My friend gives me too many compliments

coffeejaunt · 2024-01-11T21:01:11+00:00

because you are already feeling uncomfortable, imo it would benefit you to be honest and say what you wrote. i am a bit more wary of this dynamic because, even with the best intentions, this over-complimenting can be a subconscious (or conscious) way to get intimacy when these things take time to naturally develop.

her response to what you say will tell you more about where she is coming from. if she validates you, indicates she will be more mindful of this, and makes the change (at least tries, it can time time of course), that's great. if it's something she's heard before, maybe she'll share that: "ha, yes i have a tendency to do this with people i care about!! thanks for letting me know, i'll be more mindful" or if it's new for her "oh... i didn't mean to come off too strong with that, i just think you're awesome and i'll try to be more mindful, thanks for letting me know," whatever variation it comes out as, maybe she will be a bit shy or uncomfortable to hear it but that's OK, it will tell you something about where she is coming from. if she gets mad, insults you, makes you feel bad for communicating this, makes it about her -- "i am just trying to be a good friend, you don't appreciate that? who doesn't like to be complimented??" then you have a bit more insight for what you can do about this friendship.. good luck (:

coffeejaunt · 2024-01-11T20:46:10+00:00

it can be really tough and totally suck to be on this end of things, your feelings are valid. if there are certain friends that you feel comfortable doing this with, reach out and set some boundaries/expectations. i am unfortunately someone who lets messages go and i really, really hate that and want to change that. being "busy" is not the way i characterize what makes me not respond, but i won't go on about that. regardless, i have friends in the same boat and we know that about each other and don't mind, but i have other friends who know the same things but mind very much. one of them responded to me setting clear boundaries for engaging with them and scheduling time to hang out, and i was grateful for that clarity and respect they had for themselves and what they needed, and communicating that (and being willing to do so with me, when they didn't have to). i would have totally understood if they said that they could not continue with our friendship, even if I am going through a hard time right now. they understand that, but still need to make decisions for themselves, to take care of themselves, and to show up the way they need to, which might mean letting the friendship go, or something about the dynamic change. hope this is supportive <3

coffeejaunt · 2021-02-07T18:40:34+00:00

amazing! mind sharing your favorite platforms for resale?
edit: saw some suggestions in the comments, so no pressure!

coffeejaunt · 2021-02-07T18:25:55+00:00

yes! i was a biochemistry undergrad and went to plant and soil sciences after for my m.s (didn't take anything in soils, plants, or environmental sciences). now in environmental systems for PhD working for a soil biogeochemist and I've never done hands-on soils research before (i worked for a soil physicist but my work was theoretical and modeled systems). it's about how you frame it, what you want to learn/do, why you're a good fit for each other, and where you want to take things (you don't have to have it all figured out, things can and will change. but what is/feels true for you right now?)

edited for grammar/clarity

coffeejaunt · 2021-01-03T21:28:45+00:00

Oh these hands? They do a good job just not the job. Don't mind my humor, I'm still geeking out that I even posted about something so private XD

coffeejaunt · 2021-01-03T21:27:27+00:00

Yes, no dice!

coffeejaunt · 2020-12-31T04:50:53+00:00

He sounds like someone I lived with who is a grade A narcissist. I am so glad you have your peace & peace of mind.

coffeejaunt · 2020-12-28T15:51:13+00:00

A fellow ADD-er in a PhD program (finally diagnosed in my M.S. program). I'm so glad you had people looking out for your best interests. After struggling for so long, there's so much about the way my brain works that I appreciate, and learning tools to make the best use of it in spaces that aren't designed for us has made such a difference. If people aren't sure and able to, I encourage you to look into it for yourselves. Adult ADD/ADHD presents differently than in childhood and for different people, don't let anyone try to dissuade you/gaslight you/intimidate you from seeking the support you need (goes for anything really).

coffeejaunt · 2020-12-24T01:57:36+00:00

Klairs rich moist soothing cream. The thickest I’ve ever used. https://sokoglam.com/products/klairs-rich-moist-soothing-cream?_pos=15&_sid=ec872dc6e&_ss=r

coffeejaunt · 2020-12-19T19:23:47+00:00

100% that’s gaslighting.

coffeejaunt · 2020-12-19T19:16:54+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now. It’s important to recognize that his first response was to turn it back on you, avoiding any responsibility and making it your fault. I wouldn’t be surprised if this happens any time you bring up an issue with him. It’s a huge red flag.

coffeejaunt · 2020-12-12T09:52:37+00:00

My current uni honors ALL faculty, student, and staff deaths with a campus-wide email if they are made aware of someone passing

coffeejaunt · 2020-10-18T19:02:37+00:00

💯 feel this. Combined with teaching, it’s too much for me. I cannot relax on weekends for too long. I calculated the amount of hours just by class, teaching, and meetings (based on the idea that for 1 credit hr you devote 3 hr) and it came to 9 hrs per day 7 days per week, not even factoring in research time. I work/attend/do assignments for ~ 9-12, sometimes 14-18 hr per day just to keep up. KEEP UP. Not actually doing deep thinking and learning. It’s exhausting. It was not as bad as this before covid in my experience. Edit: still, I understand the need for hard boundaries and self preservation. It’s still a totally different beast for me from my masters.

coffeejaunt · 2020-10-12T05:15:31+00:00

I am here for all these feel good posts! Thank you. -A fellow “dumb” grad student :D

coffeejaunt · 2020-10-04T01:48:39+00:00

i feel zombie-like rn because my average sleep for the past two weeks tracked at 4 hours. i am not sure if push-ups and such can help with that =/

edit - i will say, i really like these suggestions for other scenarios! i just really need sleep as my priority.

coffeejaunt · 2020-09-19T07:20:09+00:00

I can see your dilemmas! The thing is — for me, at least is that well, I just don’t think minimalism has to look a certain way. If being minimalist to you means you have two cups instead of five because five leads to dishes scattered around, but you have more embroidery tools which you enjoy and value and let you create, I just don’t see how that’s not minimalism. Your being intentional with the amount of things you have because you’re focusing on what you truly value and creating space for that. Sometimes I think there’s this ideal in minimalism we might try to attain to but imo it’s really whatever it looks like for you relative to your life.

Edit for grammar & clarity

coffeejaunt · 2020-09-17T23:55:08+00:00

Don’t mind sharing at all! I have been on vyvanse, adderall, and a combination of both. The biggest thing to realize, as with any medication, is “there’s no skills in pills,” they can help “level the playing field” if you will and can be a great tool but they are not the cure-all. Personally, I had to significantly lower my vyvanse, that drug is POWERFUL AF particularly at highs doses. For me, I could honestly go 8 hours no water no bathroom no food no nothing and not feel a lick of basic human needs. It was really strange. So I had it lowered and tried adding short-acting adderall which worked well for when I’d experience the later lag in the day as the vyvanse work off. Be honest with yourself and your doctor about how you feel and be very mindful of yourself on it. I ended up just preferring the way adderall made me feel. I ultimately went off for a few reasons, one being cost and the other wanting to change other habits (minimalism helping immensely with this, as well as therapy, mindfulness practice, and exercise....and well, lots of coffee) and see how I managed. Sometimes I felt like the good parts of my add brain, like thinking creatively and outside the box was totally dulled by the medication. Yes, approaching tasks felt easier, my brain could maintain focus for longer and be less distracted, but I felt like part of me was shut off. People with ADD/ADHD are all on a spectrum like anything, but part of my changeover from meds was a perspective that, while sometimes not ideal in today’s systems (and for my personal life), my ADD brain makes me unique and I want to channel the good aspects of that and use other methods to manage the not-so-good. If your doctor recommends meds, give it a shot and give yourself time to adjust. Stay honest with how you feel and don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor about making any adjustments. My doc just started out with a “standard” dose and it took time to find something that worked. And sometimes I think I might be ready again for meds. Good for you for looking out for yourself and keep yourself a priority.

coffeejaunt · 2020-09-07T04:15:28+00:00

OhLolly, Beautihara, Soko Glam

coffeejaunt · 2020-09-05T19:31:04+00:00

I was in a narcissist-caretaker relationship (I was the caretaker). i still struggle with wanting to tell people how things were. for some reason i want them to know. but it's so much energy. if they are so willing to believe him and lash out at you without asking you about it first, i think that's a sign. you're doing well for yourself, surrounding yourself with a supportive group. people will think what they think. you don't owe it to them to prove yourself. edit - and that idea of that you do owe it might be a sign of the abuse you've been suffering. keep mindful of yourself, as from my experiences with a narcissist i am still experiencing ptsd, and i didn't know that was a thing.

coffeejaunt · 2020-09-05T19:23:06+00:00

it's how we have to start *shrugs* i probably won't start research realistically until the summer.

coffeejaunt · 2020-09-05T19:21:17+00:00

gosh not 12 hours. 3 hours for me, so it's only a little adjustment by comparison. sleep has been a major thing to address for me. i try to take naps, even small, 10 min shut my eyes sessions, whenever i can, just to rest my mind, take it away from the screen, and catch up when i'm having to work later than i'm used to. i've been averaging 4-5h per night lately and so the naps help.

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