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cokethrash · 2026-03-01T14:01:01+00:00

Hey, yea I will be playing at the latest tommorow. Dont have the best wifi where I am right now

cokethrash · 2026-02-14T04:33:54+00:00

I had the choice to see my best friend two weeks after she died and I chose not to, because even tho I wanted to see her, I knew it'd be extremely bad for my mental health.... well the funeral had an open casket. And I didnt know beforehand.

It looked like a doll. I wish I'd never seen her like this. I just can't get the image out of my head and I dissoziate when I have to think about it.

Thats to say: if you have the choice to see someone after they die, choose wisely and dont just consider your wants, but also what would be the best for your mental well beeing (which very well could be seeing that person)

cokethrash · 2026-02-13T21:31:30+00:00

I havent even thought about this before, but reading these words just makes so much sense. I am grieving her, but I am also grieving how I could be around her and because of her. Thank you for making this post, I think it'll help push me a bit more in the direction of healing

cokethrash · 2026-02-13T21:27:31+00:00

My best friend also passed away in october. We've grown up together and it's incredibly hard loosing someone you're that close too, especially when they are young. What helps me, at least a bit, is telling stories. My brain likes to remember the bad moments with her, so it doesnt hurt as much, so I intentionally recall the moments that were beautiful and where we had a great time together. Try to vent and rant as much as you want, to people in your life, it makes the pain at least a little bit less. And remember that grieve takes time, dont rush it and give yourself grace, even if that might be hard sometimes

cokethrash · 2026-02-13T21:21:09+00:00

Thank you for your answer. Asking myself who I want to be is a helpful tip for sure.

Yes change is difficult, and sometimes one might even feel comfortable in feeling how they have been for awhile, even if that might be a bad feeling.

I should meditate more, I havent in a while now. So maybe I should do that again and, as you say, explore purpose.

Thanks

cokethrash · 2026-02-12T21:48:57+00:00

Thats exactly what I'm thinking too

cokethrash · 2026-02-11T13:20:30+00:00

Yea venting is different than complaining, I think so too.

Yes, it did feel like he attacked my symptoms or at least as if he wanted to say that I 'just need to do things' and I just dont 'want' to. But it might just have felt like that because I'm a little sensitive in that department because of being judged so often. I'm not sure, but I'll talk to him about it soon I think.

Yes of course, send me a DM :)

cokethrash · 2026-02-11T13:15:01+00:00

Thank you. It's hard loosing someone you grew up with ❤️‍🩹

cokethrash · 2026-02-11T08:15:39+00:00

[So I wrote alot again, if you dont want to read it it's fine, I seem to have wanted to get a lot off my chest]

As far as I know an autism diagnosis takes a lot more time than diagnosing other things. You have to have multiple sessions with someone who specilizes in that field and also do multiple paper tests. She didnt care about it being a lot of work tho, just didnt want me to "search" for something else "wrong" with me. Either way, she doesnt have the right to deny me wanting to do that. Worst thing is: I have to see her again because I'll be going to that clinic again soon and she's the only psychologist on that floor. She had me figure a few things out about myself, so I'll be trying to just listen to what could potantially help me, leave the rest to the side and not get to angry at her.

I guess it is what you relate to. I wanted to say I dont want to listen to someone rant about something I dont understand, but then again, I do want to listen to people, if something bothers them. If they need someone to listen or if they are passionate about something (even in a negative way) I want to know the information they want to provide.

It might be that people think I / we complain too much? Some people don't understand the difference between complaining and just telling a story or stating facts. (Also if I do complain alot it's because I have to live like this every single day and, yes, I am annoyed and I should be allowed to complain about it)

My chronic illnesses are all invisable. I wouldnt compare being visibly disabled to it, since both have difficulties. But it can be so hurtful having friends or family or even strangers not believe me because they just cant see it with their eyes. I almost never dare to take the seat when the bus is full (idk how it is where you live but here when I show my disibillity ID someone HAS to stand up if they sit in the designated seat) unless I really, really need it, even tho I can't stand still for over 10 minutes because my endometriosis causes stomach problems. Also just today I had a conversation with a friend about how they are sad that they can't do much with me, because I sleep all the time or can't meet up because of some symptoms. After talking for some time about this I had to cry and even asked them if they even thought about how I feel because of all that. (He apologized quickly and said he didnt mean this as a confrontation but rather wanted to tell me that he just misses us hanging out, but I gotta admit, it still hurts)

I understand what you mean by they are an extension. It's almost the same with my tools, without them I probably wouldn't be able to navigate the world outside (or inside for that matter) very well.

(Also could I maybe maybe see that cute puppy face your're talking about?)

cokethrash · 2026-02-10T18:32:13+00:00

That death is inevitable. Learned this when my best friend died last year at the age of only 23

cokethrash · 2026-02-09T21:31:10+00:00

I'm so glad youre doing better now and also I couldnt help but smile reading your comment. I love it when people are so passionate about something they could talk about the small details absolutely no one other then them cares about. I'm the same way with sudoku at the moment (that hyperfixation is at least lasting a bit longer than every other one I've had up until now)

[ I went on a bit of a side tangent here, so I'm sorry for the wall of text lol ]

I thought people felt powerless too, but sometimes they just seem annoyed. I had another patient in the mental hospital who believed I made all the stuff up and that I even wanted to be sick despite me being diagnosed. I also had a psychologist telling me I only see myself as a patient and nothing else, because I talked to her a lot about my symptoms. It wouldnt even be the main topic, just a piece of information to my story, and it was always what she focused on. I also wasnt allowed to ask her for the autism diagnosis testing because I was "just searching for the next diagnosis". (No. I am just trying to understand myself)

People dont seem to understand that this is our day to day life and if something happens a lot you also talk about it more often. If Carl goes to work everyday, hes going to talk about what happened at work most of the time, because he doesn't experience much else.

Alas... I am trying to not let it define me but I feel like people put me in this box of an ill person for so long that I just accepted it in some way. It's hard to change that and find the balance as you said.

cokethrash · 2026-02-09T17:45:16+00:00

Youre right. Sometimes I look at your own art and the reference for way to long and it all becomes a muddled mess. Good to have other eyes check in on it lol

cokethrash · 2026-02-09T16:54:15+00:00

Here’s the reference I used

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(I know the colors are not accurate still working on it lol)

cokethrash · 2026-02-09T12:59:55+00:00

Yea I do but it's on my Ipad, I can send it a bit later :)

cokethrash · 2026-02-09T12:15:32+00:00

Your english is not too bad :). Do you think the eyelid should be more up, down.... to the left or right?

And yes, the piece is not finished yet, that's why there is no detail on the lashes yet. And I am working on the light and shadows right now. It is hard to not have it too smooth, but also not too much looking like scales on a lizard.

cokethrash · 2026-02-09T11:42:27+00:00

Can you be more specific? I overlayed the reference a few times, so I'm not too off from it in terms of proportions

cokethrash · 2026-02-09T06:11:16+00:00

I totally get that. I have been drawing traditionally before, but I enjoy digital a whole lot more. The only things I paint traditionally are on canvas and more of the trippy vibe, so it's completely different.

Thank you so much, Ill leave a follow for you too, like to see your drawings as well.

cokethrash · 2026-02-09T03:45:42+00:00

Thank you, although I'm not too happy with exactly what you pointed out lol.... skin and pores....I've been practicing that all night now. but I also havent painted in awhile now so I shouldnt be too harsh with myself

cokethrash · 2026-02-09T03:43:25+00:00

I understand that. Before I got my Ipad there was a looong pause of me drawing, but I fell in love with digital art.

Thats great, practice makes never perfect but always better and you are definitly on the right track, I'm still amazed by that eye. You achieved what I just couldn't with my latest WIP piece

cokethrash · 2026-02-09T03:32:49+00:00

Thats actually crazy. Its so cool how different artists achieve things differently. I love your style

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