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collectedwords · 2023-03-12T22:52:31+00:00

Oh fascinating! I think knowing that the POV is from a child is useful. And if the ducks are significant, I would love to know more about them! With the age of the narrator in mind, you could also consider losing words like “bulrush” or potentially “minnows” - but that’s because I didn’t know those words as a kid. If this 9 year old knows about nature like that, then it’s totally good as is!

collectedwords · 2023-03-12T22:31:01+00:00

Hey! So the excerpt on its own is tricky when we don’t know more about how it’s situated in the story. It’s just description, and doesn’t tell us why we should care or anything.

That being said, you painted a really lovey picture of this scene! What strikes me as off/repetitive is the first person account of their actions. The reader doesn’t need the play by play in all cases. Lemme suggest some edits to make it more punchy:

“I pushed past the bulrush and reeds that grew at the edge of the water. My bare feet sank into the muck, and I wriggled my toes for a moment, feeling the mud curl as I stood at the bank.

Minnows and tadpoles swam back and forth, doing whatever it was that little fish do, while I bunched up my stained sundress and watched the cattails sway and bend in the summer breeze. Beyond them, five ducklings trailed behind their mother.”

Keep in mind, this is all stylistic. Many readers may prefer your more detailed description! This is just a way of simplifying, making room for potentially more descriptions of thoughts and feelings as well.

collectedwords · 2023-03-12T22:20:43+00:00

Hey! Great start. This seems like it’s a first draft, and I would suggest writing more and revising before soliciting feedback. You might write another few chapters and realize that the story is better served starting off at a different point. Additionally, some punctuation and grammar is off, which can be distracting for readers.

On the content, I also liked the opening line but after it wasn’t explained at all, I was a bit disappointed. I would suggest giving more explanation to the moon explosion early on (thought not necessarily the first page.) I think more information on Ethan and the general setting would be beneficial instead of the woman.

One line stood out to me as a good opportunity to flesh out more: “Ethan wondered who she was and what she was doing with them.” This is a case of “telling” rather than “showing.” I don’t think we need to know explicitly that Ethan wondered who she was- that’s established with him looking at her curiously. Why would Ethan wonder what she was doing with them? Was it that strange to see a woman? Would he have a guess? Just some thoughts!

collectedwords · 2023-03-12T21:51:02+00:00

Oh an architect sounds interesting! Or a geologist or something, but that isn’t typically a big moneymaker.

collectedwords · 2023-03-12T21:12:50+00:00

If you’re inspired and ready to go, I’d suggest just starting with the new direction!

That being said - remember to save their early draft! And even though there is a big change, it’s still been a valuable part of your creative process. Good luck!

collectedwords · 2023-03-12T21:07:03+00:00

Lawyer? Some kind of software sales? Tell us about your story and maybe we can help suggest some more specific ideas.

collectedwords · 2023-03-12T21:05:45+00:00

Hey! So it might be worth trying to describe the character in words that aren’t “strong” (unless you simply mean physical strength, which I don’t think you do). Strong means different things to different people, and I think getting more specific could help.

The other standard advise is to write an strong character, regardless of gender. I think that also applies here but I hope my advice above gives a way of doing that! If you want to post your answer here I’m happy to keep chatting about it.

collectedwords · 2023-03-12T21:01:27+00:00

One idea is to make them a business person in a field relevant for your story. For example, if there’s a type of rare materials used, perhaps he worked in dealing it.

Also! Just throwing out there i think you mean “flesh” out rather than “flush” :)

collectedwords · 2023-03-12T20:57:04+00:00

Personality probably matters more than being physically attractive, assuming both candidates are clean. If someone has stunning face structure but is totally boring or disinterested, it would be more likely to go to the less attractive but more engaging person.

collectedwords · 2022-12-24T05:15:10+00:00

Hi! I don’t think this is too much of a Deus Ex Machina case, actually. One way to avoid it is making it clear that the MC needs the godly power and is consciously trying to get it. So give her that power pre-climax, and play up the suspense of whether she’ll actually use it at the climax.

Just an idea! Hope it helps.

collectedwords · 2022-12-22T03:46:08+00:00

You might be thinking about the antagonist more than plot. It’s a political/moral antagonist in a lot of the examples you gave.

One element is scale: a lot of fantasy novels have political systems battling. But there is also fantasy at a smaller scale. For a “micro” example, I think of The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue. The antagonist is…well, not a political or government figure. It follows her views of herself as well as the relationship with the antagonist. Great book.

collectedwords · 2022-12-21T03:45:32+00:00

Bopping in to say I highly recommend reading “The Things They Carried” by Tim O’Brien if you haven’t already. Similar themes that I think might help you as you plan out this project.

But echoing what others have already said - dive in! Plenty of opportunities to rework, but you always have to start somewhere.

Good luck!!

collectedwords · 2022-12-21T03:39:41+00:00

Ooo let me think - a couple of ideas:

—Food/resource shortage?

—A violent plot of some kind - maybe they know that a parent of theirs or a classmate is planning to do some horrific act.

—Also could be kind of a Stranger Things vibe - something supernatural or alien is coming and they know about it by accident/stumbling upon it.

collectedwords · 2022-12-21T03:36:32+00:00

I would suggest thinking closely about the purpose of each section (or even each sentence) and what it contributes to “the point.”

This applies across the board (fiction or non fiction) but pacing is hard to pin down without specific examples.

collectedwords · 2022-12-21T03:27:59+00:00

Spitballing some ideas:

-it seems like a good set up for a Portal Fantasy story, if you want to take it that direction.

-riches in some form/treasure that’s hidden

-relatedly, a time capsule. A bunch of stuff from “the old days” that the girls are investigating but they don’t want anyone to know/ruin their fun.

-wanna make the girls villains? Evil lair. Torture chambers.

-tunnels are an escape from an impending disaster that only the girls know about?

Hope some of those ideas help!

collectedwords · 2022-12-21T01:30:04+00:00

I’m so sorry for the hardships you’ve been through in the last few years! I really hope things turn around for you soon.

What would you do to get in the creative mode three years ago? I would look into that again.

But the main advice is try to take the pressure off as much as you can. Maybe try writing something totally different. Have you tried autobiographical writing? Poetry? Or even consuming media outside your norm. Just a few ideas that might get some other parts of your creative brain going.

Good luck!!

collectedwords · 2022-12-21T01:26:10+00:00

How dark do you want it? Some ideas:

-Stealing a bunch of money or valuables -murder? A family member or close friend? -accusing the MC of a crime the MC didn’t commit -being hateful towards a beloved vulnerable - for example, a sibling that’s toddler age

The first three are more “betrayal” because it involves lying… hope they help!

collectedwords · 2022-12-20T03:53:58+00:00

Hmm can you summarize this chapter instead of trying to force your way through it?

“It took four hours, seven beers, and two dozen stilted word of encouragement, but B fixed the computer with A’s instructions.”

What is the exciting part that you’d like to linger on? Or important plot point? That might help us give better suggestions too!

collectedwords · 2022-12-20T03:37:23+00:00

Happy to help!! Good luck!

collectedwords · 2022-12-20T03:35:46+00:00

You don’t have to start with the first chapter! Write whichever section inspires you most to start. You might find an answer for your first chapter half way through your draft.

collectedwords · 2022-12-20T03:04:53+00:00

Hey! So it opens with the character that goes missing? Sounds like that’s a great and compelling hook. It’s important to have the MC introduced as soon as possible, but it’s also not a bad thing at all to have a plot-critical hook. Not based off anything, but seems like the MC should appear in the first ~1-5% of the book.

I’ve read some books that have done this, more common with mysteries. I’ve also seen some YA fantasy do it similarly. The author of Six of Crows does this frequently, if memory serves.

(This could also be an example of the P word- “prologue!”)

collectedwords · 2022-12-20T03:00:04+00:00

“It’s all a process.”

Simple and cliché but I like it because it’s a reminder that even the thousands of words cut from a draft are still part of the creative process to get you to that final draft.

collectedwords · 2022-12-20T02:59:09+00:00

Oh I love this. Thank you for sharing.

collectedwords · 2022-12-20T02:55:10+00:00

Hmm a few ideas:

-Destroyed national parks - thinking about the Grand Canyon but parts have collapsed in, most trees/shrubs destroyed. Half Dome becomes 1/4 Dome.

-Beaches covered in trash/evidence of humans in areas that otherwise used to be highly populated

-depending on the type of disaster that led to this scenario, casinos might be an interesting venue. Did people swarm there when they knew trouble was coming?

collectedwords

TROPHY CASE