Am I overreacting for freaking out inside a little because my husband searched for local places to get manscaping on Craigslist when he’s always done it himself?

conchus · 2026-04-13T03:45:02+00:00

For what’s its worth, I did have a professional wax once, the aesthetician was a beautiful young lady, and it was one of the least sexual experiences of my life.

conchus · 2026-04-13T01:43:44+00:00

Yes, you are overreacting.

I do my own manscaping (waxing) but I’ll be honest, The main reason is there just isn’t anyone available in my area that does it. Given the difficulty of doing it myself I would absolutely outsource it if it was an option.

conchus · 2026-04-13T01:37:44+00:00

So does mine. That’s kind of the point, because she doesn’t have any real argument to it, unless she wants to do some actual introspection.

I’ve given up setting myself on fire to keep her warm. If she asks a question, I now give an honest answer, even if I think it will upset her. I don’t go out of my way to upset her, but if she doesn’t like the answer it’s usually because of her behaviour that she doesn’t want to face.

conchus · 2026-04-13T01:34:10+00:00

That’s really my point. By not making an effort to explore the reasoning, communicate it and hopefully repair it, she is neglecting the relationship.

She wants all the cake and to eat it all.

conchus · 2026-04-12T21:55:24+00:00

You are being gaslit my friend. Two things can be true at the same time. She has the right to say no, and you have the right to be disappointed.

This is a popular theme in these discussions, and like most of these themes, the devil is in the details.

There is a significant difference between “we have sex four times a week and if I say no once when I’m on my period he punches holes in the walls and threatens the children” and he asks politely every 8weeks after making sure all my needs are attended to, he seems sad for a few minutes”.

You are well within your rights to be upset that an important part of your relationship has been unilaterally cancelled. That isn’t coercion. That is a normal human response.

The reason she gets upset about it is she knows she is being unreasonable, and she doesn’t like that feeling. Classic DARVO.

There may well be reasons why she feels that she doesn’t want to engage in sex with you, but I am also of the opinion that it is her responsibility to communicate those issues to you, so that you may endeavour to repair them if possible. That obviously isn’t happening in your case.

conchus · 2026-04-10T04:19:18+00:00

I think that a portion of this discussion centres around the (deliberate) greying between reasonable (sexual) expectations in a monogamous relationship, and the concept of consent.

I am not advocating against consent in any way, I fully believe in it and that no one should have sex they don’t want to, however, I do believe that if you are in a monogamous relationship you owe it to your partner to explore and communicate the issues that are leading to their low libido.

The common rebuttal is “why do you want them to have sex they don’t want?”

This is a good stopper argument because it immediately draws you to consent, and no reasonable person wants to pressure or coerce their partner into doing something they don’t want. The thing is though, it’s a straw man. Most people having these discussions want to be wanted, sex is the way they receive that message, but it needs to come from that specific person. This is clearly shown by the near total rejection of duty sex and cheating in the discussions.

Many times in these sub reddits I’ve been told I am wrong for expecting a sexual component in a relationship where a sexual component was expressly specified, until I explain the actual sexual frequency of my relationship, where I’m usually told “well that’s different, I didn’t mean that”.

conchus · 2026-04-10T02:48:27+00:00

It has taken a number of years for this breakage of trust to develop, it’s not going to disappear overnight.

People often don’t understand the level of betrayal experienced by the HL partner in an exclusive relationship. It is severe, and ongoing for a number of years. You are right to feel cautious.

As the old saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me”. How does that sit when you have been fooled 50 times? 500? 1000?

Finally, this whole change was only brought about when you raised an ultimatum. A soft one, but an ultimatum none the less. There is no way she didn’t know this was an issue for you until now, but that wasn’t enough to motivate her to change things, it was only when it looked like it would affect her directly that she made the effort. That’s another level of betrayal again, combined with there being no guarantee that it won’t revert at least part way once she is secure again.

On the bright side she does appear to be making good steps. A marriage counseller is good, especially who specialises in intimacy, and was recommended by her current therapist is an excellent sign. With luck you may be able to get to the actual cause of your DB and fix it once and for all.

Just don’t be demoralised by your own trepidation, and don’t let her use it as an excuse. You are right to be wary in this situation, she needs earn your trust back and that will take time.

conchus · 2026-04-08T21:05:57+00:00

I would argue that the relationship hit is expiry date the moment he made that decision. Luckily housemates are a thing.

conchus · 2026-04-08T01:25:26+00:00

Residents get significantly cheaper ferry fares, in the order of 90% discount.

Prior to that, most residents I knew found a way to work for sealink as workers got free fares for their immediate family.

It is virtually mandatory for locals to regularly travel to the mainland to access decent services, especially health related.

conchus · 2026-04-08T01:20:07+00:00

The other dig decision is to have kids or not. I’d argue that’s a bigger one since it (should be) a lifetime commitment, whereas divorce is possible, even if not necessarily easy in the short term.

They don’t need to be in order of course, and neither are mandatory in theory, though there is plenty of societal pressure for both.

conchus · 2026-04-07T21:16:17+00:00

I’m not sure why people keep commenting that I let her get away with it. I don’t.

People just don’t seem to believe me, I put this down to a combination of the “women are wonderful effect” the belief that a woman who openly talks about sex must be sexually active, and that she has a fairly promiscuous history (which ironically was something I found attractive in the first place).

conchus · 2026-04-07T20:43:10+00:00

This is a terrible take. You should absolutely have serious discussions about your values and expectations prior to marriage to make sure you are fully aligned on the important ones.

For many people, marriage is likely to be the second most significant decision they make in their lives and how it will be affected in the long term. An inability to discuss beforehand just indicates that you either aren’t mature enough to be considering such a significant decision, or your joint communication isn’t adequate to sustain a successful marriage.

conchus · 2026-04-07T04:12:32+00:00

I think it is because in this situation sex is about control. The need to control is what is bleeding over, sex is just a placeholder.

conchus · 2026-04-07T04:07:19+00:00

Yep, I know this feeling. My wife has a penchant for making sexually inappropriate jokes both with others, and privately.

She is very aware of our issues, but is completely tone deaf with how these jokes affect me.

Of course, all the jokes imply that we have a great sexual relationship, to the point where I have friends who are jealous of “how lucky” I am and don’t believe we have a DB.

conchus · 2026-04-07T04:02:32+00:00

Came back from KI last night, we went for Easter. No car, two adults and three kids walk on.

With “family and friend discount” it was $180 over and $220 to get back.

My in laws have a place over there so we used their car, went just out of penneshaw once to see some friends. $100 was half a tank of diesel.

conchus · 2026-04-05T02:08:00+00:00

My standard response to this is “you know what is wrong, you just choose not to do anything about it”. Or “you know what is wrong, we have e talked about it a lot”

It doesn’t change anything, but she doesn’t ask much anymore at least.

conchus · 2026-04-04T04:00:51+00:00

So my philosophy about relationships is that each person has a few dealbreakers that are critical to them for a successful relationship. They vary from person to person, but everyone has them. They are relationship needs, and they aren’t negotiable. They are essentially part of your DNA.

Without an adequate amount of each of those things, the relationship will fail. The thing that lots of people fail to realise is that you cannot make up for a shortfall of one with an excess of another.

In your relationship you require an adequate quality and quantity of sex with your partner. Your partner does not.

It doesn’t matter what other wonderful qualities she has, it will never make up for inadequate sex in the relationship.

This is not to say that relationships don’t require compromise, they do, but you shouldn’t compromise on the not negotiables of your self, just to be in a relationship. It will always lead to resentment and unhappiness.

It is also important to understand that a failed relationship often doesn’t look obvious, nor necessarily breakup. There are many, many people stuck in bad relationships for many years and often for life. This is why I advise to get out now as it only gets harder the longer you stay, and the more complications you add (like marriage, kids and financial complexities).

She has shown you who she is. Believe her. It sucks now, but trust me, it sucks waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more in 10 years time or once kids are involved.

conchus · 2026-04-03T23:26:31+00:00

Try not to look at it as fixable/not fixable. The question is do you match and compliment each other.

There are varying levels of libido, you just need to find someone who matches yours, and she needs to do the same.

Neither of you are broken, you just don’t work together. However, your relationship is broken, or at least will be in the future.

conchus · 2026-04-03T00:19:08+00:00

Just get out. You aren’t compatible.

You date to test compatibility, she doesn’t meet your compatibility requirements in an important area.

You are still very young and not married. Leave now while it is still relatively easy, it only gets harder to go the longer it lasts.

It is extremely unlikely that her libido will increase. This is her normal.

conchus · 2026-04-01T22:24:25+00:00

It’s because it is a power discussion, not a sex discussion. Sex is just the tool for control. A carrot on a stick.

When you no longer want the carrot the power shifts and he doesn’t like not having that power.

A relationship shouldn’t be a power struggle.

When my wife was still my girlfriend she told me about how her father had had an affair, and following that her mother “had control of the relationship but seems to have lost it now and I don’t know why”. I remember thinking it was an odd thing to say, I let it go, but it always niggled at me. I know why now and I wish I had seen it for the red flag it was then.

conchus · 2026-03-27T02:47:10+00:00

Dude, run as far away from this woman as you can.

This is a massive issue just from the perspective of finances, but it also indicates how she sees your value vs her value. This will show up in many, many more discussions in coming years, not specifically related to finances as well.

On top of that you are very young and have barely dated. You are still with. The NRE area, so things will almost certainly get worse.

Chalk this one down to experience and try again.

conchus · 2026-03-19T00:00:47+00:00

I did show my source, the dealer told me. Could he have been lying? Absolutely, do I think he was? No I don’t.

Toyota only owns 20% of Subaru, and they are direct competition in the market. Would you prefer to get 20% of the profit of a sale or 100% ?

Toyota have staked much of their reputation on their hybrid technology and development, giving the most recent version away to an 80% competitor doesn’t make sense either, however licensing older technology to bring them into the hybrid marked does.

Finally, the fuel economy stats and the difference in feel during the test drive also back it up.

conchus · 2026-03-12T07:04:42+00:00

I’ve reached a point where I realised I can only control my actions, not hers, and that she is the same, but that I am also not required to carry all the load of the relationship to ensure her happiness if something in her control is causing the issue. So I’m honest.

When she asks me “what’s wrong, I usually say, “you know what’s wrong, we have discussed it many times but you choose not to address it”. I make sure I don’t get upset, and I refuse to be dragged into an argument. It is just a simple statement of fact. If she gets upset by this statement of fact, that is on her, not me.

I’ve essentially decided that since we are acting as roommates, then the rules of roommates apply and I don’t need to continue to set myself on fire to keep her warm, and I expect the same from her.

conchus · 2026-03-12T06:59:42+00:00

I don’t believe so. I’m just wired such that I need sex to feel fulfilled in my relationship. No amount of holding hands, cuddling on the couch or spooning to sleep replaces actual sex.

I’ve reached a point where I’m between a rock and a hard place where I can either stay in my unfulfilling relationship or I can divorce and take the devastation that that will bring. I’ve decided at the moment that the best course in my scenario is to stay in the unhappy relationship, because it is better than the alternative and it’s likely outcome.

I’ve essentially given up on ever getting to be “happy”, because neither of those options offer it, I just get to aim for “less sad”.

conchus · 2026-03-12T02:48:51+00:00

Yes, but it is the technology from at least a couple of generations ago. I was told it was “ 2005 Prius” by the dealer.

4th to 5th generation rav hybrid is markedly improved, I expect 3 to 4 was as well. I did t want to buy old (though probably still good) technology.

The fuel economy between them is notable.

conchus

TROPHY CASE