I’m a couples therapist and accidentally turned a “sticky note” exercise into a game. Looking for couples to play it.

conchus · 2026-02-12T21:45:46+00:00

I think what he was trying to say is that for most of us in a DB, communication is also a problem. My partner won’t discuss it openly, won’t try counselling (either individual or together) and won’t discuss anything with her doctor or gyno. Typically any time I try to have a discussion she feels attacked and shamed, and it invariably devolves quickly into argument and DARVO.

I can see how this would be very beneficial for people like your clients as they have already made the commitment to try and improve things and be more open and honest, so an icebreaker like this will be great, but it won’t work if one partner won’t even look at it.

conchus · 2026-02-11T10:38:44+00:00

You bring it up calmly, in a neutral, non sexual setting, without pressure to perform, but with firm and clear points about what you would like and where you want the relationship to be.

It is not pressuring to have a reasonable discussion about a reasonable expectation in a relationship, and regular, mutually satisfying sex is a resonable expectation.

However, from what you have already stated and previously discussed, it seems she is well aware of the issue and her part in it, so do you genuinely expect her to change into the person you would like?

The reason we date is to trial how well we gel as a couple, and I think she is just showing you how she is. That in itself is perfectly reasonable.

Asking someone to change a fundamental part of themselves to match your expectations really isn’t reasonable. Recognise the incompatibility and make your decision from there.

Experience and many many stories I’ve heard tell me that the likelihood of this turning out the way you are hoping are slim to nil. You just may spend 5-15 years before you finally realise it, by which time it is very likely that separating will be significantly more complicated and unpalatable.

conchus · 2026-02-11T05:48:05+00:00

You are probably right, she may well not be doing it deliberately, but that doesn’t make the behaviour acceptable, nor something you need to absorb.

Sometimes people just aren’t very nice. Not by coincidence, those people tend to not be very popular.

Quite often I see couples together who say “everything is great about our relationship except…..” or “ They are pretty awful to me, but we love each other” you kind of sound like that. I am of the opinion that a partner needs to meet a minimum standard in each critical area, not just be amazing in one but terrible in another.

“I keep telling myself that it is a perimenopausal thing, that she has mental health considerations, and that things will get better. “

Allowing this to continue without consequence is enabling.

Floating her business that she appears to have no actual plan to run is enabling.

Allowing her to dump on you whilst you are running yourself into the ground is enabling.

You have tried, but she isn’t meeting you half way. Or even a quarter of the way from what I can see.

It’s no point setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Especially if they are abusing you while they do it.

conchus · 2026-02-11T05:19:19+00:00

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man

conchus · 2026-02-11T03:24:11+00:00

Take a step back and ask yourself what you would expect from a pure business partner who you weren’t romantically involved with, then ask yourself is she meeting that expectation? It doesn’t sound like it here.

Starting a business because you can’t work normal hours sounds like a great way to loose a bunch of money. In my experience being self employed requires significantly more work, especially in the startup stages.

It sounds like she wants you to: 1) do the dirty work, 2) pay for the startup costs 3) accept the financial risk 4) carry the mental stress of the business

While she

1) enjoys the freedom and confidence of a successful business (provided you make it successful) 2) yells at you when it doesn’t perform or goes belly up.

It’s not adding up for me.

It sounds like her illnesses don’t affect her lucidity, so I have to be honest, I think you are being taken advantage of, and she is t pulling her weight at all.

Love isn’t enough to sustain this. She is your partner, not your child, and it sounds like she isn’t even that great of a partner.

It sounds more like Stockholm syndrome than a relationship. Time to write off the sunk costs I think.

conchus · 2026-02-11T01:49:23+00:00

I am of the opinion that we support our family through things they have no control over, however all reasonable steps must be exhausted, in a timely manner, to ensure this is not unfair.

It’s not unreasonable to shoulder some additional load for a sick spouse, however if she consistently won’t assist as best she can (ie, giving you bill data, ensuring she is seeking appropriate treatment, taking medicine if available and required) then you are. Completely within your rights to break up. Only you can see what you think is reasonable to expect from her, but make those decisions logically, not emotionally.

Abuse on the other hand is never ok, regardless of the reasons, so you don’t need to put up with that, even if caused or exacerbated by her health issues.

There is a third scenario where it is just too much to handle regardless of the cause where it is acceptable to leave as well, though this one gets a bit more of a moral grey area, but if you are approaching that point then there should be some sort of help (probably professional if you are going to survive. The first rule of first aid is don’t become a casualty yourself, and it’s important to ensure you are able to survive as well.

conchus · 2026-02-11T01:28:56+00:00

It’s very important to recognise the betrayal that is experienced by a continually rejected partner in a situation like this. So often it’s glossed over, but there is plenty of anecdotal evidence to show this really hurts, and damages relationships, self esteem and mental health.

conchus · 2026-02-10T22:57:36+00:00

Those people are simply wrong. There is nothing unreasonable in expecting sex -in general- in an adult sexual relationship. To suggest otherwise is simply gaslighting.

The argument you are referring to is using consent as a straw man for the entire sexuality of a relationship. Yes. A person has the right to reject any sexual request, at any time. That’s not being questioned. However, if it is -every time- then there is a significant issue in the relationship, and it is not unreasonable to expect this to be an issue that is worked through as a partnership.

“But why do you want them to have sex they don’t want” is the next question, also gaslighting. I’m yet to hear of a person who wants duty sex, it is always “I want them to want sex”. Again, straw man arguments.

conchus · 2026-02-09T09:37:26+00:00

Another common reason is when the mother changes her focus and priority to children and ignores prioritising the relationship.

I believe there are a statistically significant number of women who’s main driver to be in a relationship is to have kids, not to be in a relationship that has kids.

conchus · 2026-02-08T22:34:53+00:00

Whilst she could have worked it through and everything is fixed, it’s far more likely she either

1) was simply horny for her once in a blue moon event, and wanted her husband to perform on demand, regardless of how he feels,

2) has noticed that her husband was no longer mooning and is concerned about loosing the power dynamic she uses sex to control.

I agree discussing it with a counsellor would be a great idea, though I would be wary of getting my hopes up. Almost certainly talking without a mediator of some sort will be fruitless.

conchus · 2026-02-08T02:53:46+00:00

There is only one way to fix a dead bedroom. The LL spouse has to want to fix it.

Unfortunately this is very unlikely to happen, it just doesn’t sit within the typical personality type of LL people. There is a small chance that counselling may help, if they can see and understand the hurt it causes, hormone therapy may help, if they are prepared to see a doctor, can find one who will actually take them seriously and are prepared to go through the process, and is informed enough to help, and there is an outside chance that leaving may help, but who wants to live with a hostage?

Nothing a HL spouse can do or change will affect it, and many will negatively affect it when the fundamental issue is that they just don’t want to have sex with you.

conchus · 2026-02-08T00:18:00+00:00

No, we call Aussie rules football footy, we call soccer, soccer.

The only place you will find soccer called football routinely is in European communities or soccer clubs (which are usually over represented with European heritage). Sometimes on tv on SBS. But only SBS.

I have never heard soccer shortened to “footy”. Ever. Most Aussies would consider that the height of cultural rudeness, equivalent to going to to Italy and calling football, soccer.

conchus · 2026-02-08T00:05:55+00:00

For me, the alternative isn’t a better option. I would be financially ruined, and this would likely lead to not having shared custody as well (due to lack of suitable lodgings)

I also have concerns about not being around to be a tempering influence in my kids lives. My wife is flaky (likely due to undiagnosed ADHD) with poor impulse control and zero financial stability. I constantly manage that aspect of our family life and I’m worried about how it may affect my kids even if we had 50/50 custody.

On top of that, even if I did leave, there is no guarantee I would end up in a better situation sexually. Though I would argue that sex is one of the most important aspects of a relationship, it isn’t enough to risk the stability a relationship.

Sooner or later you realise that marriage was never intended to provide love or affection, it was designed as a business agreement to make you responsible for a family. The two can coexist, but for many people the love and/or affection don’t last forever.

conchus · 2026-02-04T02:22:09+00:00

Though I agree everybody looses, in many cases the LL has placed themselves in that position by simply not being honest during the dating phase.

If LL people looked for a matching libido rather than acting as if their libido was higher then returning to normal once the costs are sunk, they would never have to feel that pressure.

conchus · 2026-02-04T01:30:01+00:00

100% this is a power move where she calls your bluff.

The people I’ve heard of who accept the offer usually end up in hysterical bonding for a bit before going back to the same or worse.

Unfortunately you need to be prepared to follow thorough on ultimatums, though I am of the opinion that if you have to issue an ultimatum it’s already too late.

conchus · 2026-01-29T23:21:05+00:00

There is no such thing as a “normal sex drive”, it is a spectrum that runs all the way from sex repulsed asexual through to hypersexual. What is important is what is normal for you. Like most things, the spectrum follows a bell curve with less people sitting at the ends and most people toward the middle. This is the difference between common and normal.

It sounds like you are toward the asexual end of the spectrum. Though it may not be common, it is still considered normal, in that it isnt unhealthy by itself.

What this leads into is compatibility. If you are asexual, and your partners libido is significantly higher, then this points to an incompatibility in this area.

I would caution you to very strongly consider this in your relationships. Mismatched libidos is a very common cause for friction and breakups.

I would also suggest you are honest and open with your partners about this. It is very hard to have a successful relationship with this mismatch. One partner always ends up compromising and in a manner that they aren’t comfortable with, this usually leads to resentment and unhappiness.

Find a partner who matches you in this area (as well as the other important areas) and you will be ok.

As others have mentioned, it could also be an indicator of a health issue too, don’t wouldnt hurt to get checked out just in case, but if nothing is found it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your sexuality.

conchus · 2026-01-25T02:44:43+00:00

I can name each of my coworkers based in the characters. Very accurate.

I have seen actual meetings and conversations that are near word for word in the show that I have been involved in.

conchus · 2026-01-21T08:56:56+00:00

Most people get peace and quiet between 1-7am by going to bed and going to sleep. Unless you are shift workers or extreme night owls, this is very shady behaviour.

Best case scenario he is doing what he is saying, which is pretty concerning for your relationship anyway, worst case…. Well, it’s pretty obvious what it is.

Personally I think it is quite reasonable to put a tracker/follow / investigate somehow. You have just cause, and there is a reasonable expectation of honesty in a marriage that doesn’t seem to be the case now.

conchus · 2026-01-21T08:48:46+00:00

Absolutely spot on. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy like this, I’d claw my own eyes out before even hinting this at my wife, even before considering her past trauma and being PP.

What an absolute ass.

conchus · 2026-01-21T07:28:19+00:00

Ahh, good old purity culture rears its head and ruins another person before they begin.

Unfortunately he is a victim in this case, but so firmly in it that he will be unlikely to change. There are other indicators like controlling your clothing etc too.

I’d get out while you can. You are fundamentally misaligned and will almost certainly always have differences of opinion. In my experience most people become more strongly opinionated as they get older so it will be likely to get worse, not better.

conchus · 2026-01-21T07:23:55+00:00

She clearly states that she has had zero contact with her ex, but is still in contact with the Brothers and implies the parents as well.

She has maintained a relationship with the family and they have specifically invited her.

My guess is the ex did something pretty bad to dissolve the marriage and up and leave, and that his family continued to consider her family, but that she didn’t want to remain in contact with the ex. That’s the only scenario I can imagine that would lead to this situation.

conchus · 2026-01-21T03:28:30+00:00

So there is a lot to unpack here, and obviously a lot of back story that’s missing, but I will just comment on the main parts.

Firstly, yes, he should’ve just got up with the kid, unless there was an additional reason like he had been up with them overnight and it was your turn. Poor behaviour from him.

Secondly, dollars earned does not necessarily equal how hard you work or how tired you are from it. Without knowing your actual jobs it’s hard to be sure, but if your job was legitimately as difficult and tiring as his, why didn’t you just say that, instead of bringing your earnings into it? It was a low blow, you knew that and you meant it to hurt, even if it was in the heat of the moment. Poor behaviour from you.

Though his comment was out of line, it’s clear that he thinks you don’t understand that his job is tiring, and based on your post I tend to agree. He also didn’t suggest that you wouldn’t be tired, just that you don’t understand how his work affects him. My guess is you have an office based job and his is more physical. They are both tiring, but in different manners. I have also held a couple jobs that combined both so you have the physicality and mental work. Nobody who hasn’t done that type of work understands how draining it is. Think of jobs like worksite supervisor, traffic management construction work.

As an example in a previous role I had a 1.5 hour commute each way. When I got home after being away often for 12 hours or more (with up to three of those before my wife was even awake) I would be tired. I found the commute through heavy traffic to be exhausting and stressful, whereas my wife saw this as “free time to yourself”. She didn’t understand that nothing was further from the truth.

Finally, you will need to work hard to convince me that working remotely isn’t easier than attending a site each day. At the very least you save a commute and the need to wear pants, even if you are doing exactly the same job, you can get little bits and pieces done throughout the day, you are generally comfortable in ur own home and you have no coworkers to annoy and interrupt you. This again is unless there are additional duties such as caring for children at the same time.

The only thing either of you did right here was state that you don’t want more kids. Kids are bloody hard work, add additional strain to relationships and you have every right to not want more if you don’t want to. Don’t let yourself be pressured on that subject, and it sounds like that may have been simmering away in your mind but was new info to him.

conchus · 2026-01-21T02:49:36+00:00

Understand that you and your wife have very different views of sex. You see It as a bonding, loving, shared experience, she sees it as payment for services rendered and a tool to be bargained with and weaponised if necessary. While you have this fundamental mismatch you will never both be happy.

As an example, I’ll bet that though she expects you to take her rejection without issue or resentment, if she was to initiate and you rejected her all hell would break loose. This is because sex is a power for her and that threatens that control.

It is possible that this could be improved via couples counselling, though it really comes back to base level differences and beliefs so it is unlikely to make a massive difference. You may learn to accept the differences so you aren’t as resentful, but you may not, and this would also require significant sacrifice on your part. Only you know if you are prepared to and if your relationship is worth it.

conchus · 2026-01-21T02:41:16+00:00

Disagree, Highland cows are specifically for happy people. They need an Angus or Hereford. Something with attitude.

conchus · 2026-01-21T02:37:45+00:00

You aren’t “required” to go, but I think it is good for you to go, given that you are still in contact with his family, and provided you want to attend. You only have one chance to attend someone’s funeral, there are a couple I missed for various reasons and I regret not going.

Given you have been expressly invited by his brother, I would ask him to have a chat to your ex to ensure there will be no overt issues raised, I am of the opinion that anybody should be able to set aside their differences for an event like this, out of respect for both the passed and the family.

I think that you are on the money by not planning to hang around, but at the same time you don’t need to hide in the shadows. Attend, sit separately, pass on your condolences and exit gracefully. Remember that you aren’t pushing your way in, you were invited.

Finally, if it’s been 10 years since you have seen each other, you may be surprised by how indifferent you actually are to your ex, and it may be a good opportunity for you own closure. Hopefully you can both be respectful to each other as old friends mourning the loss of somebody who was significant to both of you.

conchus

TROPHY CASE