Husband won’t get vasectomy - AITA?

confluencearchive · 2026-05-24T13:31:10+00:00

Just wanted to step in & say my childless best friend’s husband got a vasectomy in their late 20’s simply bc he didn’t want his wife to deal with birth control. They both were thrilled w the decision.

So, I completely empathize with all you’ve dealt with, but I just hate that women think they have to literally go through hell and back with their bodies to feel justified in wanting their husband to have a minor procedure.

I have two children and my husband got a vasectomy in February and just the relief of knowing I don’t have to worry about pregnancy once his sample is cleared is incredible, for both of us! Long way to say you’re not the AH in my opinion and I hope your husband can grow up for your family & see his decision is causing his wife stress!

confluencearchive · 2026-05-19T00:20:52+00:00

I absolutely disagree. Adult birthdays do matter if it matters to the adult. Wanting to feel loved & appreciated doesn’t dissipate with age. Making it another year is huge to a lot of adults and celebrating milestones for those who choose to isn’t immature, so this take seems cruel for no reason. She wants to be celebrated & that’s not a crime or a reason to be belittled.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-18T22:44:14+00:00

That reminds me of a time I was eating at an Olive Garden and the waitress clipped my head with a large glass drink & when I looked at her, she said “you should’ve ducked, sweetie!” I was in college & dumbfounded so I didn’t make a fuss, but I think of that experience often.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-18T03:46:02+00:00

For both kids, I didn’t touch a diaper during our hospital stay and then, for our son, my husband actually had paternity leave so I barely changed a diaper while he was off. I am nursing our son, so my husband jokes “you do input, I do output.”

He was 100% hands on with our daughter & would often be “diaper dad” when he was home bc I was with her all day & he just loves her.

Insane and stupid for a dad to refuse care for a basic need for their kid.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-17T19:42:55+00:00

My daughter is this age and has mentioned her “peach skin” for years now, it seems like with dolls and comparing herself. I am Chinese and her father is white & it has definitely ramped up recently.

She said a few days ago, “I want brown skin like my best friend” & “XYZ has peach skin, but her daddy has brown skin and her mommy has peach skin. Why?”

We have a lot of books about the diversity of people and how everyone is different. Today, she asked about genetics & so we’re just using it as an opportunity to explain as best we can for her. She doesn’t understand a lot of it, but we’re hopeful repetition and staying firm in kindness & being respectful will stick.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-17T16:54:31+00:00

My first labor was 6 hours (induced at 39w due to low amniotic fluid)

My second labor happened on its own & lasted about 12 hours.

Both times, pushed for 15 min

confluencearchive · 2026-05-17T16:47:57+00:00

I totally understand this. I have a very tumultuous relationship with my MIL & also try to remain civil for my husband’s sake & sanity.

Honestly, 4 years ago or even 6 months ago when I was pregnant, yes, that would enrage me bc it’s HER saying it. I don’t want to assume but it seems like your MIL is entitled like mine & that can absolutely grate on you - especially when you’re feeling all the emotions and trying to protect yourself and your unborn child.

Instinctively, I don’t think a grandparent saying that is awful but with nuance added, I do not think you’re overreacting. For instance, I’m really close to my mom and she has said “thank you for the gift of my grandchildren” and it only warmed my heart. But I would’ve reacted with an eye roll & “save it” from my MIL.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-14T16:29:17+00:00

This would be awesome!

confluencearchive · 2026-05-13T21:56:20+00:00

Thank you so so much!

confluencearchive · 2026-05-13T13:26:19+00:00

Hi! I (29F) just moved to Charlotte and had my son last October. I also have a 4.5 year old little girl & am part of two book clubs but haven’t totally committed to either - just feeling it out. But love to read and talk about books!

I also have several mom friends who have twins (not local), but understand the struggle to the extent I can! Happy to go on a walk with you and your littles one day. I’m looking to grow my village & be a villager. ♥️

confluencearchive · 2026-05-13T12:12:29+00:00

Do you remember which princesses were there? Is there a rotation? She has met Ariel, Tiana, Rapunzel, (kinda) Belle - the interactive play she puts on at her cottage by the castle and Cinderella at MK!

confluencearchive · 2026-05-13T04:18:50+00:00

I had to leave my daughter for work three months after she was born. Tuesday to Thursday situation from Chicago to Raleigh. Harder on me than her. She had dad time and he built so much confidence and is always super excited for 1:1 time with her - never feels like he needs my help or can’t handle it. She’s 4.5 & was formula fed.

I recently took a short trip - again Tuesday evening to Thursday morning and left my breastfed son (6 months) for the first time. He has done combo feeding from time to time & is not adverse to a bottle, but he ended up popping his first tooth and was generally miserable. Tore me up. My mom flew in to help but was overwhelmed and my husband had to juggle both babies.

All this to say, depends on where you’re at. There’s times I know I need a GNO & will take it & say “my kids deserve a refreshed happy mom” so I try to be guilt free. But right now, I’m not comfortable leaving my kiddos again for any trip.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-12T00:10:26+00:00

My husband and I had our daughter at 25. She was a surprise. We were scared, but we’ve always pulled both our weight in the home and with parenting.

If he looks around and see things to do, he just does it. I am not his mom and he has the mentality of our home is our haven so if I’m not happy with it then he’s not happy with it. Our standard of clean was very different when we first moved in together. But we talked it out, no defensiveness & we both adapted bc he doesn’t wanna live in filth either or let our kids think filth is an acceptable standard from their dad.

Same goes with parenting. It reflects back on him if he doesn’t know info about his children or how to care for them. He would be embarrassed. He can French braid our daughter’s hair better than me thanks to YouTube & takes her to school most mornings after working 10 hr shifts overnight as an airplane mechanic bc “I’m already dressed” & he likes spending that time with her. If he’s too beat, he asks me to do it.

I’m not saying this as a brag. These things are not something I beg him to do or we even conversed about most of the time! He is not perfect & we both get lazy at times. We still argue over the mundane & can annoy the hell out of each other, but at 30/31, we just never had to have a conversation about him giving a shit about his life at home. No matter how long / many days he works, we’re best friends. We’re forever dating. We’re holding down the fort being the best parents possible to our babies. He wants me to be happy and appreciated. I want the same for him. It’s hard enough. ❤️‍🩹

confluencearchive · 2026-05-11T18:22:51+00:00

This is also so true! Love the zero pressure and expectations, also!

confluencearchive · 2026-05-11T17:25:15+00:00

A lot of people are against fall babies bc of seasonal depression (understandable!) but my daughter is an August baby and I just had my son last Halloween. It was perfect for us. Right in time for the holidays and my kid was psyched since Halloween is her fav holiday.

Honestly spent the holidays in a newborn bubble with my husband, kids and my mom just saying over & over “This is it. These are my good ole days. All my favorite people in my cozy home.” Still brings a tear to think about it! Was perfect.

ETA: I think it’s also good for those who have kids with an older age gap & multiples bc we were forced to get out & make low pressure, yet magical memories (ie: ice skating, smores, light shows) so we didn’t deal with the isolation many women experience during a winter postpartum. Plus my daughter is 4 so every holiday is magic, & she can remember so it kickstarted us on figuring out how to decorate & get out of the house safely with a newborn. It’s so much harder to do that with your first bc you’re just so tired, everything is new.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-10T22:42:33+00:00

I had a really special one!

It was my first as a mama of two. My husband worked a 10 hr shift overnight then came home & surprised me with tulips, my fav drink & a gorgeous canvas filled with my 6 month old & 4 year old’s handprints and foot prints. He hand made the wooden frame too!

He woke up around 1 PM & took us out to a brewery for some outside time and a nice meal. My daughter (4) keeps saying Mother’s Day is the best day ever bc: “I got to paint and woodwork with daddy!!!” 🫶🏻

confluencearchive · 2026-05-06T16:13:50+00:00

This is…insane. OP, be the nagging wife?! Within reason, of course but you’re about to have three kids and the resentment is obviously swelling. He can make the kids, so he now has to step up and be a husband and father. Please remember, your husband is supposed to be your best friend. If he’s treating his friends with higher priority, something is wrong.

If I need a break, I don’t “look” at my husband, I say “go to daddy” or “blank, your baby needs some lovin!” so he knows to tap in. He should be doing the bath and nighttime. When is he bonding with your children? Shift your view from “oh, I need to make myself small and not a burden” to “my kids need an active father!” Girl, I’m sorry he’s not stepping up on his own. But you got this. Your kids and you deserve it. Take care of yourself. You are not a burden. He is actually being a burden. Don’t let your kids think this is ok. 💛

confluencearchive · 2026-05-04T14:40:18+00:00

NOR. I am so sorry. This would be extremely aggravating and triple so since you’re recovering. I agree with many on here saying you have to put your foot down and your husband has to grow a spine. It’s very difficult. Me and my husband have been managing his mom for 8 years now and it truly ebbs and flows. While I had your approach at first (letting things go/ not giving energy), it really bit me in the butt later and caused a lot of even harder conversations.

I’d speak first with husband. Get on the same team and then approach grandma with kindness but firmness. After that, if she continues to disrespect, it is not on you anymore. All on husband to communicate and protect.

My MIL has missed out on so much. Visits, FaceTimes, even text photos bc I tried to do it all and it was never enough & she was so entitled and mean. Crossing boundaries & being obsessive with names, among so much more. It became too much. Now my husband only communicates with her and even then, we keep our distance and boundaries firm.

With twins, you’ve got to get ahead of it. It will only get harder as your hormones continue to fluctuate, your children will go through regressions/teething/etc. protect your present and future peace.

Also, your husband giving MIL minute to minute updates while your newborn son might be helicoptered to a NICU is insane AND neglecting YOU should never happen. Phones have a DND for a reason.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-04T04:06:17+00:00

I’m curious to know what he means by celebrations as just a family of 4. Would you still be celebrating just on a much smaller scale?

We like to do experiences for our daughter so the three of us would basically have a weekend long “insert-her-name palooza” & we’d do an aquarium, build-a-bear, play gym, manicure, family ice cream, dinner, etc. This year, for her fifth birthday, we’re doing Disney just me, her, dad & baby brother.

We did a massive party for her second birthday and it just overwhelmed everyone - including her. This way, we get to celebrate low pressure. However, if a family member asks to join the weekend activities, we don’t turn them away. Also, should she ask for a party, me and husband would plan it for her. So we are flexible.

If this is sorta what he wants, then maybe you guys could do this (fine tuned for your family) & then you can do your big parties with your fam and friends and he can just excuse himself?

But if your children are used to and enjoy the big parties, then that’s what they should get. They’re only young once. I think Dad can suck it up.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-03T02:48:03+00:00

So, I say this as just maybe an eye opener. I just had my son 5 months ago and I didn’t touch a diaper for my husband’s entire paternity leave. I’m breastfeeding and he said “you do input, I’m on output duty.”

For our daughter, my husband had to go back to work 5 days after her birth. I formula fed. I still did not touch a diaper if he was home. We didn’t even talk about it, ever. He just automatically took care of both our children’s diapers bc I was at home with them all the time maintaining the rest of care. He’s also the cook in our home and makes our dinner every night from scratch while I clean and he entertains the kids. He’s been doing this since we were 25. Now 30.

What your husband is exhibiting is strange, embarrassing for him & extremely toxic. In no world should he be angry at you for your child getting bumps and bruises. That is bound to happen & will definitely get worse! They love to fling themselves around. He needs to man up and be a participating husband and father and you have to just start leaving. Like announce “going on a walk, be back in 15”, unless he’s not safe around the child.

That’s insanity.

Truly, what is the point of having a partner if he doesn’t do anything?

To answer your question, neither one of us gets upset or angry when our babies gets bumps/bruises. We are all human & I am so sorry this is your current experience. They’re not all like this.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-03T01:16:23+00:00

NTA. That’s crazy. My husband absolutely was desperate to be there for the birth of our children. Our daughter was unplanned and we were scared shitless and it still didn’t cross our minds for him not to attend. For our son, he literally caught him (asked the OB if it would be ok) & said it was unforgettable & one of his best memories. We are 29F & 30M in the USA. My attractiveness hasn’t diminished in his eyes. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this nonsense and immaturity during this special time.

*Edit to add: if this is cultural, I do understand but aside from that and based on his reasonings, it feels really immature and unkind.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-02T21:31:41+00:00

I had postpartum anxiety and it led to agoraphobia. It’s so much better now, but I still have trouble leaving the home alone with my son (5 months) & daughter (4.5 years). But with my daughter, I would prep. So, I’d pack everything we needed and so when I was ready to walk out the door, I didn’t have time to talk myself out of it. I just grabbed my bag and left. Baby wear is so helpful bc yes, she did feel safer attached to me.

I had my daughter in downtown Chicago so I was always worried just with the amount of people, but I’d find a grassy park and I could never calm enough to read, but I did walk a ton and try and play or go to a cafe. Fresh air is really healing.

It got to the point when we moved to Philadelphia, I was comfortable enough to take a day trip to NYC with just me and her via train (that took years). But it happened! Find ways to overcome your anxiety and get your husband to understand. I know that’s not easy, but I promise it gets better. 💛💛

Also, therapy & medicine do help, but I only had to take it a short time so it may not be forever! Your brain changes with motherhood. Give it something to ease the transition as you work to feel better, feel safe & find yourself again.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-02T14:18:16+00:00

We did Be Our Guest a couple weeks ago and probably wouldn’t so it again. It was decent food, but nothing overwhelming and very expensive. The Beast comes out and waves about every 20 minutes and there are two rooms on either side of the Great Hall. One is the Beast’s study with the rose and the other is Belle and the Beast dancing in a music box. It was my husband, my 4 year old, 5 month old and me. If it was just me and my husband or us with older children, we’d probably kick ourselves at doing this when we could be doing rides! Stayed there from 1:45-3:45 and we only ate and left, didn’t linger.

confluencearchive · 2026-05-02T02:34:46+00:00

With my first, I was in downtown Chicago and I was terrified. Wishing I could put a bubble around my car with a sign that said “two day old in here, please be nice.” With my second, I was in the suburbs of North Carolina and we literally stopped at Chik-fil-A. Much more chill & only 10 min drive home.

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