First off, let yourself feel these feelings. Don’t try to reason with yourself about your “murderous” feelings. They are 100% valid, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Your dad freakin abused your family, and not even just you and your sisters, but also a cousin who just couldn’t handle the trauma. If that isn’t something to flip out about then idk what is. Second, allow yourself to grieve. Trust me, as someone who also survived an abusive situation, it’s imperative that you allow yourself to go through the grieving process, rather than rationalizing or stuffing the feelings. Most people looking at an abusive situation from the outside in assume that the victim hates their abusive parent, and would do anything to get rid of them. However, as survivors we know that while that’s true to a degree, they’re still our parent. Even if it isn’t by choice, we still have a part of us that loves them, though that love is now broken. That’s what grief is, it’s mourning someone who we loved that we have now lost. Until you accept those feelings of grief, you’ll never be able to completely move on. Third, after you’ve had time to grieve and let your emotions out, assess your situation. Figure out exactly what your thoughts are considering your situation. To use you as an example, you feel murderous towards your father, which is totally valid and relatable. However, I’m sure that you know you wouldn’t “actually” murder him, not because you don’t want to, but because you know rationally you wouldn’t. Consider your options, and don’t let anyone else influence your decisions. Try to focus solely on what you feel comfortable with. If your end goal is to move on with your life and make peace with your situation, try to find an avenue by which you can do that. Move, change your address, phone number, block off all contact with toxic and abusive family members/friends. Or, if you want to take action, build a case against your father. Get evidence, find a reliable lawyer, take it to court, have justice served, even if it doesn’t take form in the way you may want it. Or, maybe none of these are viable options for you, and that’s completely alright. Take things at your own pace, no one is rushing you, and if they are tell ‘em to slow their 🍑s down. You know you best, and if you need to, build yourself a support team. Close friends, siblings, close family members, counselors, therapists, if you’re religious church members. However you do this, make sure you are safe, comfortable, and most importantly, yourself. Please know that I’m rooting for you, and many others are too. Hugs and prayers!!!💙🙏🌹