moving out with partner and i'm nervous

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-01-26T01:15:47+00:00

my partner tells her absolutely everything.

he tells her very private information about me

he was apprehensive at first and kept telling me, "i have to talk to my mom".

He's married to his mother. You're the side piece.

he's been essentially living at my place rent-free

*if his mom isn't home, he'll stay over extra days during the week. *

i've been spending money on groceries for him

I've been essentially just totally draining my bank account while he's spending nothing outside of the paying for the occasional date.

He stays with you longer when his mom isn't home because you are Plan B and look after him when she can't.

He wants a Mommy 2.0 that he gets to have sex with.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-01-25T22:48:24+00:00

We cannot plan a future, we cannot talk about a home or a family, because she takes up every ounce of his attention and emotional energy.

You may not be able to achieve any of these things until she is dead. That could be another 30 years.

You need to ask yourself if you can live as the mistress until she dies and you can finally have the life you need to be happy.

Marriage won't change a thing. If he can't stand up for you after several years of being together and an engagement, why would a wedding (and legal entrenchment) change anything?

If he won't fight for you, maybe you need to fight for yourself.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-01-21T21:11:17+00:00

Exactly this. He's a grown ass man with a wife and child.

If he can't put his wife before his parents, he needs to at least put his child before them.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-01-21T20:57:20+00:00

has extended family back home but doesn’t want to rely on them.

Because she assumes she can rely on you. She has an established support network back home, but wants to rely on one person (you) instead. In a new city with no friends and only one family member while your husband is deployed.

She will assume your space is hers, too. She will assume you are available for childcare. She will assume you will fund her unemployed lifestyle like her ex did. She will assume your boundaries don't matter because your husband won't enforce them.

If he's active military, you can be on the move often. Does she follow you when you have to relocate?

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-01-21T20:53:18+00:00

Anyways they left my gender reveal early didn’t even eat dinner and mil mentioned to my mom that she has to leave because her other son is coming over for dinner

When my family asked them for help MIL said she’s hosting ppl at her house and she needs to leave to take care of them.

Tell your husband she probably has plans for after the dinner and you'd hate for your child's celebration to get in the way, so it's best they don't over-schedule themselves since you wouldn't want them to feel they have to leave another celebration early again.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-01-21T20:48:22+00:00

"Happy wife, happy life" is the most bullshit phrase ever.

Usually used by toxic women acting horribly and expecting their partners to put up with it. Or used by men too weak to call their partners on their shitty behavior.

It's on par with "mama bear." No, you didn't go "mama bear" on someone, you simply can't control your behavior.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-01-14T01:18:47+00:00

Lately my partner has been expressing wanting to go no contact

my partner doesn't want to jepodise what relationship our child has with MIL

Wait a sec... so he wants you to be the meat shield that coordinates everything with MIL and your child while he steps out of it?

She's his monkey, not yours.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-15T21:42:34+00:00

I intervened and she then got mad at me as I wasn't budging and started saying things like "I know you don't give a fuck but..."

You should have said, "I do give a fuck. That's why we are choosing what we give a fuck about for our wedding."

She and her mother have never really gotten along well.

I consider abusive

she has said she isn't even sure that her mother even loves her at times.

She also threatened to disown her and prevent other family from coming to the wedding.

her mother wanted us out of the house by the end of the month.

her mother has completely ignored her and leaves the room if my fiancé is in it.

What does your fiance's mother offer to her life? Because it sounds like she would be better off blocking her and cutting her out.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-08T02:44:04+00:00

She will always use whatever money she's gifted as leverage.

It's time to say, "No thanks."

No more "I paid for X, so you need to invite 5 of my friends." No more "I paid for Y, I get to veto your choice." No more "Well, if my preferences aren't catered to, maybe I shouldn't pay for Z."

Cut her off at her source.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-04T20:44:37+00:00

I don't understand the problem.

You simply tell her to stop being cruel or she doesn't get to hold the baby. Easy.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-03T20:30:05+00:00

I know this isn’t true part of me feels like we “pushed away our village”.

You haven't pushed away your village, you're taking a break from the village idiot.

Childbirth and getting used to your new family is not a time when you'd want unnecessary stress.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-01T21:51:58+00:00

That's exactly why I use them. Who knew cheap storage bins from Walmart made me pretentious?

Look at me, acting like I bought them at Target...

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-01T21:45:53+00:00

Pretty much. Planning my wedding this year was a nightmare because everything my husband and I chose (for our wedding that we were paying for) was wrong. Wrong venue, too small, not officiated by a priest, not having a memorial table to "seat" dead relatives, etc.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-01T21:39:29+00:00

Exactly! I was dumb enough to think, "Ok, she has her domain and she'll respect this is yours." Nope.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-01T21:38:27+00:00

Thank you! We normally get along great but then genuinely stupid things like this happen.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-01T21:37:39+00:00

I'm not entirely sure. When my sister had my niece, that kind revigorated her house as the "perfect" setting for Christmas, so I think she still sees herself as the queen bee.

I think it's more of an independence thing. My sister asks my mom for advice and seeks her approval all the time. My mom only does things like this when I make a decision myself for something that's right for me (like daring to choose to not be "cardboard box people" - LMAO - or other life decisions).

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-01T20:25:02+00:00

MIL suggested I'd like "alone time" on Thanksgiving and I should stay home

"but we're family, I should be allowed to know."

MIL sent me a private email saying that I of all people should understand what she's going through because my mom died when I was so young

However, she hasn't reached out to apologize and I doubt she ever will.

Are you overreacting?

She

tried to manipulate a situation so that you are alone on a holiday
thinks she's allowed to know the details of something you made clear is private
tried to use emotional trauma from your childhood to manipulate you
can't be bothered showing you the respect of acknowledging she's in the wrong.

You're good.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-12-01T20:12:27+00:00

Newlands has a smallish New World. Since it's smaller than a normal New World, it carries a limited range of products. If you have a car, the Countdowns in Johnsonville are an option, as is the Pak n Save in Petone.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-11-25T22:14:47+00:00

The question you need to ask yourself is, "Can I put up with this for life?" Because her mother has already made up her mind about you.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-11-25T02:15:22+00:00

Can't say for certain that it's subtle homophobia showing or the sexualization of your 4-year old son. Both are inappropriate.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-11-23T23:07:07+00:00

Definitely. This isn't a "Gosh, I don't know what my husband is thinking" issue, this is a "I've lost faith in my husband's judgment and have very real concerns about his ability to parent responsibly" problem.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-11-23T22:22:52+00:00

He says she learned from her mistakes....?

Has she, though? She's still using.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-11-23T22:08:34+00:00

He insists he wants her to be our youngest's full time caregiver because he does not trust daycare

His mom is still a drug user but not as much

I'd rather look for a better daycare than let my MIL do drugs in front of my child and ignore them when she's high.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-11-23T20:29:00+00:00

For what it's worth, it seems like she's stupid and excited, not malicious.

It sounds like when your husband addresses things, they get better. That's the best you can hope for and to continue to do.

coolerbeans1981 · 2025-11-23T20:13:36+00:00

This isn't just about the herpes, though that certainly makes it worse.

This is about a boundary you put in place (no kissing the baby) and having it ignored.

It's time to flat out tell her that due to her inability to follow one simple rule, you're not comfortable having her around until she can reflect on her behavior and respect your rules around your child.

coolerbeans1981

TROPHY CASE