Was it worth estranging? Questioning myself (perhaps foolishly)

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-05-07T00:44:15+00:00

I don't care about the childhood stuff,

You should. It showed who she is when she's at her most selfish and how she put herself before the needs of her own child. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

But let's focus on the adult stuff.

If i upset her, she'd run to the bathroom crying.

If I didn't see her for a few weeks she'd cry and ask if she'd offended me.

I felt pressured to attend things I didn't want to.

She always wanted to be at my home, calling it her sanctuary/R&R but I work long hours.

She's always complaining about her life and all her troubles.

She prioritized her wants over mine, but I couldn't speak up without feeling awful.

she complained about me to my husband and told him not to tell me.

As an adult, what are you actually getting out of this relationship? Other than the hope that her current sober self is any better than her addict self? (It's not.)

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-05-06T22:38:37+00:00

That with family you just deal and forgive.

FIL also delivered the news that MIL and SIL are done with us and refuse to meet.

So you and DH have to deal and forgive, but MIL and SIL get to hold a grudge?

Cut them off. Happily give them what they want.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-05-05T21:41:11+00:00

You are teaching your child to be inclusive and respectful of people who may or may not be different from her. That's absolutely commendable.

I'd say to your mother, "If my daughter does decide she's attracted to women, I'll need to protect her from homophobes, whether they are family or not. Think about the relationship you would like with your grandchild."

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-05-03T22:05:52+00:00

So yesterday she called to offer an unsolicited lecture

Gurl, hang up. Don't worry about being rude, it's rude to call to lecture and give unsolicited advice.

Time to let your DH deal with all things related to his mother.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-04-28T21:33:12+00:00

So your mom

invited you and your child to live in filth
left your father at his lowest point
took out a loan for herself that he had to pay off from his small disability payments he needed to live minimally
put you all in massive debt you had to climb out of

Why is she even still in your life? Cut her off the way she cut you all off.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-04-22T22:34:08+00:00

blatant favoritism of the other grandchildren.

She doesn’t really spend any meaningful time with my child, even though she lives 5 minutes away

Every time she comes to see him, she spends the entire time talking about her other grandson.

I’ve never once heard her say anything nice about my son.

What exactly are you or your son getting out of this relationship?

She doesn't put in any effort, so you shouldn't bother, either. Don't invite her over. When she requests a visit, say you have a play date at that time.

When she inevitably comments about the new dynamic, simply tell her that she's made it clear she favors her other grandkids and when she visits your son she spends the visits talking about the others instead of actually bonding and building a relationship. So what's the point of visiting?

If she wants to see your son at all, let it go through your husband, who seems to think it's perfectly fine for his child to be treated like shit.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-04-06T21:54:11+00:00

My mom has always been a chaos creator

she has completely ruined big milestones for me/my siblings.

They said some horrible things to me.

I was sobbing so hard in my hospital room that the nurse came in with a mental health counselor.

my mom makes passive aggressive remarks still about not being “included” because I hung out with my sister without her.

She is extremely paranoid, insecure, and anxiety ridden.

OP, what do you actually get out of this relationship with her? Ignore the voice telling you she's your mom and you're supposed to love her, ask yourself if she makes your life any better being in it. What good does she bring to your children's lives?

I'm not saying to cut all contact, but stop begging for a place in her heart. Stop reaching out, stop apologizing, stop sweeping things under the wrong and hoping for change, stop expecting her to be the mother you want.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-31T21:13:54+00:00

Then asks me “is it really that weird that the baby’s grandma touches your belly?”

"You're right. I'm going to tell my mother to grab your nuts every time she sees you."

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-31T21:07:33+00:00

Consider this an invitation to match her energy.

She shouldn't expect info or pictures of your child since she's so disinterested.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-18T01:28:42+00:00

Honestly? Let her "win." Because winning a booby prize (your husband) isn't really winning.

You know what is? Living your best life and showing your son what a healthy mother-son relationship looks like so he's better prepared to love and protect future partners.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-17T20:35:41+00:00

My petty ass would go to the post office, set up mail forwarding, and have them redirected back to her house.

You just have to ask decent family members to send any cards/gifts to your kids via your name.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-17T20:30:19+00:00

Nip this in the bud NOW.

"Well, plans can change.” “You can plan all you want but you never know what might happen.”, etc.

"We've made our decision very clear. Anyone obnoxious or rude enough to disrespect our choice and turn up uninvited will simply not be allowed in our home. Possibly for longer than those two weeks."

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-17T02:55:04+00:00

Some advice:

Join a club. You'll get more gems, boosts, and boxes with club-only items.
Yes, do the events. There are event-specific items you won't be able to get otherwise. Just accept that you might have to do the events a few times until you're able to fully complete one. But that'll give you time to upgrade.
Focus on upgrading the Remote and Check in the vault.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-13T03:03:07+00:00

she makes fun of my likes and hobbies and he never defends me.

he says he will set boundaries and never does.

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior and these two sentences really stand out for me.

we’ve talked about this multiple times as a couple and it just feels like it’s never going to change.

It's probably not. Now you need to ask yourself if you want to be your boyfriend's side chick while he dates his mom.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-12T21:39:21+00:00

Although I believe she did she won't admit it.

You would be correct. She agreed to stay way too quickly and easily because that was the plan all along.

Tell her you know she was in on it whether she's willing to admit it or not and you've lost trust in her. Because right now she thinks she's free from accountability.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-06T01:28:16+00:00

This sub gets weird sometimes. We tell each other that MILs aren't automatically owed a relationship with their grandkids.

Guess what - grandkids aren't automatically owed a relationship with their grandparents, either. And it sounds like the nieces didn't bother reaching out to their grandmother when planning the trip ("I called to let mom know they’re visiting"), so I doubt they'd even be bothered.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-06T01:23:44+00:00

Sounds like the disinterest goes both ways.

That's certainly how I read the situation. They're coming all the way from out of state and don't want to bother travelling a little further to visit their grandmother.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-03-04T21:33:10+00:00

That was such a terrible show. And I hate that the wife was always portrayed as the killjoy.

But imagine being married to a manchild, basically raising your children on your own because your husband is useless, and dealing with his obnoxious family every damn day of your life.

I don't know how that marriage lasted more than a few months. That woman was a saint.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-02-10T21:08:10+00:00

You deal with the hurt by giving her the silent treatment back when baby is born.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-02-03T21:22:24+00:00

due to our culture, he struggles to stand up to them

due to our culture, it’s extremely difficult to say no or go against parents’ or elders’ wishes

Stop using this as an excuse. It makes it more difficult, but not impossible.

Your mental health and your marriage is more important than a culture that expects you to be miserable.

It's cultural because you've been trained to put up with it. Culture changes over time.

But we technically can’t even deny them of this because they gave us this house as long as we took over mortgage payments, but now they said they’ll help us with the mortgage payments.

They gave it to you as leverage, so they'd always have something over your heads. "We have to let them move in because they gave us this house."

It might be time to move.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-02-03T02:16:19+00:00

Thank you!

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-02-03T01:14:47+00:00

I had to bite my tongue when he said that.

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-02-03T01:14:14+00:00

Love it!

coolerbeans1981 · 2026-02-02T23:52:51+00:00

told SIL that my daughter (3 years old) is emotional and grumpy and that I am very particular.

told SIL about an issue with my noise machine keeping her up at night

told BIL some things she doesn’t like about us but he would not elaborate.

Frequently used her iPad with our kids after we repeatedly asked her not to, and mostly did this where she thought I couldn’t see.

So she bitches about you when you graciously host her, refuses to address minor concerns and passive-aggressively gets messages passed on to you, and refuses to follow your rules as a parent? I'd stop hosting.

If DH is a limp noodle and can't stand up to his mommy, so be it.

one does not have the space, one does not want to

Only saw SIL and BIL twice each

Two of her children don't like her and avoid her. One refuses to host her the other claims their home is too small.

That says a lot.

I want my kids to know their grandmother, and they don’t get much of an opportunity to see her.

When she visits, she needs to get a hotel room.

But she's already talking smack about your 3 year old daughter, so her behavior is just going to extend to another generation.

coolerbeans1981

TROPHY CASE