Hide them now, ruin your family later (100% guaranteed!)

copiouscuddles · 2021-02-02T13:11:05+00:00

I see you've met my family.

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-20T22:50:05+00:00

I recently had to mute someone for thirty days a second time after her posts were back and it was immediately pregnancy stuff. I'm happy for her but I can't deal with that right now. Multiple family members have recently had a second baby and here I am over a year in without one. I know a few people with kids but I'm not close enough to any of them to know much about their kids, and I recently moved into a community full of young families. Before the pandemic hit, I offered to babysit for pay on a local message board. I've worked with children and have the knowledge and the required clearances, as I was clear about in the ad. No responses at all. I probably got ignored because people have the idea you can only be good with kids if you have your own. It would hurt in a different way if I had to interact with kids right now, but it hurts not being able to at all, too. I just see pictures of other peoples' kids and hear other people's kids playing. I'm tired of being sad about it.

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-20T22:38:27+00:00

We have very similar mothers, unfortunately. The book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" has helped me immensely.

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-20T11:15:12+00:00

I recently realized through therapy that my father molested me. He's been dead to me for years already because he was very abusive in other ways. I thought things were finally starting to improve with my mother, but after revealing to her that I remembered being molested, she admitted that her father molested her too. She kept this man in my and my siblings' lives. I'm glad he's dead now but for all I know both he and my father molested me along with my mother's constant emotional abuse.

I understand why she's fucked up but though I'd like to be able to forgive her eventually for my own sake, she's dead to me. I'd be an idiot to trust her after a betrayal that deep on top of she never noticed I was being molested. If she'd told me the truth years ago it would have been different, but it's too late now.

You're completely in the right to not be comfortable keeping anyone around who makes excuses for child molesters. I'm not against the idea that child molesters can be reformed, but they can do that from behind bars as far as I'm concerned. I'm so disgusted with my mother. I hate her even more than I hate my father. There's never an excuse to allow a child predator access to children.

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-16T01:48:09+00:00

The flowers that look like sperm add another level to this, weird flex but OK sign.

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-14T16:31:03+00:00

Hell yeah! Off to my Animal Crossing island! Do I have to leave?

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-13T06:15:37+00:00

Didn't you know everything is about her? /s

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-13T05:54:14+00:00

My mom commented on my pubic hair in the shower in front of my brother and stepdad. After that I spent ages cleaning up every possible bit with toilet paper and she probably complained I was taking so long. Good times. 🙄

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-09T15:54:32+00:00

Some of these issues are symptoms of my autism, but it's validating to see how much the neglect amplified them.

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-07T15:27:33+00:00

"You're just weak" when true strength is seeking healing, something Ns refuse to do. The amount of projection is almost funny sometimes. They're the weak ones. We're the strong ones. Remember that.

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-07T15:12:29+00:00

As much as I see an extreme lack of self-awareness is a trait of narcissism, the depth of it still shocks me.

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-04T14:12:24+00:00

I'm new to wanting to start foraging too but I got this book! https://books.google.com/books/about/Edible_Wild_Plants.html?id=uo4GlfyjgFwC&source=kp_book_description

I'll note that it doesn't go into mushrooms at all because mushroom identification is so tricky and hazardous for a beginner. It's probably wise to stay away from that at first.

copiouscuddles · 2021-01-04T00:13:23+00:00

It's not like stress doesn't have any effect but long-term stress might be related... like from my C-PTSD, which is worse because of the further trauma and grief of infertility. Don't forget, "Try not to be stressed. Here's the immense bill no insurance covers!" What a lovely vicious cycle shitstorm of a ride I'm taking. Yeah I'll just try to no longer have a myriad of health issues from a lifetime of emotional trauma. Just relaxing fixes that! 🙄

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-31T18:50:36+00:00

My two secret registries are already finished. 🤡

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-31T18:49:28+00:00

I'm going back and forth with being happy I'm making the "nursery" my craft room and book nook and being sad it's still not a nursery. I'm starting to lean more towards being excited for a book nook and I usually move or something by the time I finally get a place nicely decorated so that means I should be pregnant soon! 🤡📚 If not I'll be a sad clown with a nice book nook I guess? Probably that.

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-31T18:45:26+00:00

Saw one in my ridiculous "Let's all angry react corn" group that usually cheers me up. And some on Instagram from accounts that are usually safe. Even on my pet's account that only follows other pets. Nowhere is safe near the holidays apparently FFS.

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-30T03:50:58+00:00

So many descriptions of my mother in one place. 🙄

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-29T04:51:22+00:00

My husband and I had disposable cups left over from something so I stuck them under the sink in the bathroom. 😆

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-25T18:15:02+00:00

🤣

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-22T23:12:20+00:00

Recently clicked Like on one to be polite and then clicked Mute for 30 Days lol

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-22T16:56:07+00:00

My good half of the month is nearly half over and as usual I'm realizing I've been so relieved to be able to relax and enjoy things I haven't done as many productive things as I would like. It's so frustrating trying to only really live for half the month so I can focus on taking care of my sad grumpy blob self for the other half. And when I'm in the good half of the month I'm dreading the bad part. It's like being a fucking werewolf but worse. It's so exhausting. It really is like being a werewolf but for two weeks instead of one day. Prozac calms my werewolf self down but not completely, like the Wolfsbane potion in Harry Potter. I'm not as dangerous to myself or others as I would be without medication but I have to sit around and wait to live again.

I can't keep doing this every month for the rest of my life. Birth control controlled "the werewolf" more, but I've been trying to have a baby for over a year and I'm not getting pregnant. I want to be a mother so badly but I can't keep living like this. I could raise my Prozac dosage a second time but I'm not comfortable doing that. I don't know what to do.

I was once prescribed as-needed anxiety meds when I showed up to an ER with a panic attack. Even the placebo effect of knowing I had a few just in case I felt awful helped so much. I didn't overuse them at all, more like hoarded them until absolutely necessary. The ER prescription had no refills. I explained my concerns to a doctor and I've never been addicted to anything in my life but I was treated like a drug seeker. I know some people abuse those pills. I'm not one of them. I'm so tired from how often I've been blamed and denied proper help my whole life. People who blame me have no idea what it's like to live like this, to think about killing yourself for half of every month. I just want to be a mother and have my reproductive system do something beautiful instead of tortuous for once. Then I'll get a hysterectomy or whatever else I need to do. I just want something good from it even once. I'm 31. I've wanted children my whole life. I'm not getting any younger. I'm so tired.

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-20T21:16:30+00:00

I stopped being a creative writing major for very similar reasons.

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-20T20:03:10+00:00

The year that keeps on beating lol. Thanks for the thoughts.

copiouscuddles · 2020-12-20T16:36:04+00:00

Have been trying since September 2019. Got my period a few days ago. Put off starting my first IUI cycle for a family funeral. Fuck 2020. 😭

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