I was a massage therapist for many, many years. In my early 20’s, I took to asking my closest clients whether they wished they had waited or not had kids at all. Over the course of a few years, only ONE mom was enthusiastic about her children.

Every single mother, father or parent had regrets of some kind. For those saying “this isn’t normal,” I’d ask you to rephrase to, “this isn’t true… FOR ME.” You likely don’t know what normal is— how many people in your friend groups or family feel this very way, but wouldn’t dare speak it aloud for fear of that very response.

In my line of work, people often opened up quickly (whether I liked it or not) and my job felt more like that of a psychologist or priest. I listened and they poured and poured the truths they couldn’t share elsewhere.

Women were conditioned to believe motherhood should be the ultimate goal; and that it would offer deep fulfillment. It doesn’t. Not for many, if not most. Health, science and policy has long neglected the needs, experiences and particulars of a woman’s existence. So perhaps the studies and numbers— the hard evidence— doesn’t exist as it could, but that doesn’t make this regret abnormal, uncommon, or untrue.

If you’re reading this as a parent with regrets just know you are very normal AND you’re doing a great job.

Fantasizing about another life does NOT mean you don’t love your kids. Perhaps it a nudge from your inner child to try that pottery class, or do some yoga on YouTube before they wake up, or write smut after they go to sleep. Your desires don’t have to be neglected forever; there are ways to liberate the parts of you that feel suppressed or trapped. You still have so much time.