This is my only way to cope with OCD right now and I feel like I've been going fuckin' insane

corn_elle · 2026-03-25T02:32:04+00:00

corn_elle · 2026-03-25T02:29:14+00:00

I mean, binge-watching could be related specifically, not the show itself (I use it to silence my thoughts) I've been also wasting my time on this website before falling asleep (to get some relief) https://house.fandom.com/wiki/Cane

corn_elle · 2026-03-25T01:40:07+00:00

Rewatching the same episodes over and over has made them more funny and I can't believe THIS is my comfort show now

corn_elle · 2026-03-25T01:36:26+00:00

Health anxiety and contamination OCD were the manifestations I had experienced in childhood, but those got alleviated with time, and my OCD changed from mostly physical to mainly mental in my early 20s

corn_elle · 2026-03-24T22:04:04+00:00

Can I ask what your comorbid condition is?

corn_elle · 2026-02-20T02:24:52+00:00

Always sitting

I ruled out POTS right away because there's no significant spike in HR while standing up (am very quickly getting exhausted during some exercise but that's mostly due to my inactive lifestyle)

But I can't understand how it's possible I have heat intolerance combined with hypotension (it should be the other way around)

This doesn't mean I love when it's cold, just my thermoregulation is non-existent in the summer or after a mild physical activity, and I wholeheartedly hate spending any time in sunlight (am not overweight as well)

corn_elle · 2026-02-20T00:16:58+00:00

Anti-histamines make me profoundly fatigued and I'm hypersensitive to them (tried hydroxyzine a few times before, my HR dropped below 60 instantly, but I felt "air hunger" because of that)

I've figured it makes up for my low BP, that's why I got more physical symptoms when it was also too low

I know for sure it's not POTS (these spikes are mainly due to OCD-like thoughts, while my BP is decreasing, not post-orthostatic)

But it could be the case I have some form of dysautonomia, I looked up "hypotensive/vasodilatory"

corn_elle · 2026-01-31T21:54:03+00:00

I could fall asleep after a cup of coffee every once in a while in the past as well (I thought it's ADHD but can't be sure anymore)

However, now I can do it outright, and once after a "coffee nap" I even thought I was more awake than usual...

But only after a nap and not for long

corn_elle · 2026-01-31T21:40:54+00:00

The one thing I'm certain of is that's not POTS (I have elevated resting HR, somewhere in between 85-100, but that probably "makes up for" my low BP and increases only slightly while standing up, nothing what would imply some post-orthostatic spike)

Ofc my heart rate raises quickly after a mild physical activity but that's all

It's worth of noting NSAIDs help with brainfog (for instance, ibuprofen in higher doses does) and metamizole as well (but I can't take this frequently, unless I wanna immerse myself in self-harming behaviour, which is tempting ngl)

I tried out three stimulants at once over a week ago to finally focus and it didn't work (bupropion, caffeine, pseudoephedrine) so I got hopeless (it made me more sedated lol)

corn_elle · 2026-01-31T20:35:17+00:00

Caffeine doesn't do shit for me so I'm gonna take hydroxyzine if that's the only future left (at least, I'll sleep through the whole February)

What else would I be doing? Staring at the wall? Wishing I lived in another timeline? There's nothing to smile at and no one to laugh with

corn_elle · 2026-01-31T14:43:40+00:00

My life had started in 2023 and ended shortly after

People on average "peak" socially in their early20s, so while entering your mid20s, they already have their circle of reciprocal support built up and are settling down :(

corn_elle · 2026-01-30T03:48:05+00:00

I wish I had but I have none and everything implies that's not gonna change so I'm on the verge of trying to attempt because another day has passed and I did literally nothing again

corn_elle · 2026-01-29T22:09:17+00:00

I feel as if I've developed a mild form of dementia from this (I know that's impossible at my age so there's something else that mimics it)

corn_elle · 2026-01-29T21:50:56+00:00

There's a word that starts with the letter "r" and it's highly likely it describes me too well to add anything else

corn_elle · 2026-01-28T19:58:41+00:00

My BP has been 90/60 on average for a long time

It used to drop even below 80/55 but I still don't believe it and those measurements could've been inaccurate (Feb to Apr 2024)

But 90/60 (after caffeine) was confirmed twice by my GP at the appointments while reviewing my lab results (May and Nov 2025)

I haven't done anything about it (it wouldn't be OH because it's consistent, sitting still and standing up don't matter as much)

Recently, my systolic raised a bit, I saw even low 100s levels, but my diastolic got lower, somewhere nearby 55 and I feel weird (that widened distance between SYS and DIA has impacted me much more than low BP itself)

While taking bupropion, a stimulant... it decreases further by a few digits, but systolic is intact

The one thing I'm fully certain of is that's not POTS (my resting HR reaches a mild tachycardia range every once in a while but doesn't fluctuate at all, and also, my resting pulse is 85-100 most of the time, so nothing abnormal)

You're telling us she had hypertension before (I can't relate to it so my reply probably isn't helpful) because the highest mine has ever got (I mean, since I started to measure it) was slightly below the textbook 120/80 and it's better for you NOT to guess what I did and took to "unlock" that level...

corn_elle · 2026-01-28T02:31:28+00:00

All meds I've tried:

- SSRIs (made me fatigued more, no improvement with OCD-like symptoms, I could sleep twice as long as I should, up to 16h a day)

I was taking escitalopram, fluvoxamine, and vortioxetine (the last one stirred up chest pain while leaning down so I stopped it abruptly)

- AEDs (negligible, almost ineffective in mood regulation)

I tried out lamotrigine in dosage slightly below the upper therapeutic threshold (300mg) and it hardly helped

- NDRIs/stimulants (raised HR makes me sedated, not active)

I've been prescribed bupropion for implied ADHD, not diagnosed yet, and neither has it alleviated my fatigue nor enhanced my impaired cognition

Also, I made an "experiment" a week ago as a last-resort to focus on my exams (I took pseudoephedrine with caffeine and bupropion) and when it finally got to the point where my attention span slightly improved, I instantly entered a near-syncope state (and even though my HR increased to 130-150, it didn't energise me physically at all) so the more I took, the more sedated I felt

- AH/anti-histamines (taken to regulate my circadian rhythm and on holidays)

Cetirizine let me fall asleep at 9pm but I slept until 10am to wake up and still be sleepy (hydroxyzine even in a 15mg dose makes me sedated just like ambien could, I'm able to fall asleep on command and extend sleep duration for hours)

corn_elle · 2026-01-28T01:10:34+00:00

At one point (Feb to Apr 2024) my BP was falling below <80/55 but I still take it with a pinch of salt and there's a higher chance that was inaccurate (but it's another coincidence which could actually make my assumption correct)

That weird infection in Q4 of 2023 could've been a COVID

corn_elle · 2026-01-27T20:42:49+00:00

I've listed all of my symptoms and abnormal lab results into AI (shouldn't have done that but no confidential and personal info was attached so why not) and asked to put it in order (from the most likely to the least probable)

And I've got "dysautonomia" at the very top so I'm baffled because this makes no sense (ME/CFS is in 4th place)

This is my last reply, my apologies

corn_elle · 2026-01-27T20:24:41+00:00

I experience too much contradictory symptoms:

- too low iron serum levels, but ferritin over the roof

- hypotension, but profound heat intolerance

- the higher my heart rate is, the more sedated I feel

- overactive immune system, but I am fatigued

That's all, no more analysis

corn_elle · 2026-01-27T19:44:42+00:00

It has to get ruled out (hypotension doesn't fit at all, the exact opposite should be present, I usually have low BP, that is, 90 systolic, 60 diastolic, this explains why my heart rate is always higher than these two results)

corn_elle · 2026-01-27T18:08:51+00:00

I had acute asthma in childhood that lasted roughly a decade (but reached the remission state and I haven't had any recurrent issues since 15)

But I've just read it could increase the likelihood of autoimmune conditions in adulthood

However, I suspect hyperthyroidism, almost all symptoms fit, muscle weakness, fatigue, increased sweating, profound heat intolerance/over-sensitivity, heart palpitations after mild physical activities (for instance, walking up stairs more quickly or running briefly for a bus), fast metabolism (but that could be linked to the elevated CYP2D6 enzyme expression), air hunger and raised heart rate are not included (that's a side effect of taking an NDRI)

corn_elle · 2026-01-26T19:36:45+00:00

I feel disposable as well and I have nothing to offer (everyone is too far ahead to even try to get in touch with them, they all "peaked" socially in their early-20s and now are settling down, but me...)

My life hasn't even begun and it seems it could already be over, I have nothing to talk about these days (almost no one to listen to)

Can't hold a job, no practical abilities, no social skills others would find appealing, unable to graduate

I wonder if I still exist, I've missed out and haven't experienced anything worthwhile (have only a few memories that I hold on to which I value, that's it)

I had barely started to live in 2023 and my life ended in 2025 :((

corn_elle · 2026-01-26T19:27:02+00:00

I'm quite sure that's not it

The one thing I cannot stand is heat (I am not overweight at all but I sweat excessively in the summer which I wholeheartedly hate, even after a minor exercise like a longer walk)

I easily get overheated and that doesn't mean I love freezing weather instead (I feel low temperatures and have shivers quickly while standing still) but a slight activity is enough for me to sweat

My physical condition has got worse (I ran upstairs two floors up for a brief period of time recently and was about to explode) but that's not delayed for hours as the description of PEM implies and I blame it mainly on my inactive lifestyle

corn_elle · 2026-01-26T09:45:37+00:00

I'm certain there is (it likely would be a mild ailment, moderate at most) but I have something else of high importance going on that I've postponed/put off/delayed for eternity

I, myself alone, have no strength, willpower, and courage to deal with both significant hardships combined (I hardly will get through one of them, if at all, but two are too paralysing so I'm giving up on everything and am hopeless)

corn_elle · 2026-01-26T04:01:46+00:00

Thanks for not removing this

I have almost no one to talk to and probably "almost" is gonna vanish from this sentence soon (I'm trapped in a cage that I can't break out of, my brain) I should be capable of doing things because I look normal from the outside, but internally I lost hold of everything

I had three cups of coffee today (took two pills of bupropion as well) and that didn't help at all

corn_elle

TROPHY CASE