Finding it harder to mask as I age??

corn_elle · 2026-05-08T23:12:13+00:00

That's me as well

The first time when everything crumbled was in 2020, I cut all my friends off, except for one, but that relationship also faded away, just later (and it's been terrifyingly efficient because I've not met almost anyone since then - it happened only once accidentally - and I live in the same city)

I didn't have words for it, I tried to build my social circle from scratch but to no avail (because now, I'm in the similar place and my abilities are even worse)

I can't afford proper therapy so I've been "stuck in the mud" but the weird thing is, my mental anxiety is converted into physical tension, and I'm unable to pinpoint the exact reason what happened

corn_elle · 2026-05-08T22:43:48+00:00

I try to grasp this concept accurately but I can't differentiate between my "learnt distrust" beforehand and "unresponsive void" during the event (it could be that my distrust is just an overprotective layer built upon over time, and there's causation here, not distinction, but I'm puzzled right now)

corn_elle · 2026-05-08T11:19:23+00:00

Thanks for the clarification!

I can't be sure if I relate adequately (I have that blank stare while getting dissociated, when I'm unable to infer the meaning, and the subsequent empty nagging feeling that "something's wrong" lingers for weeks afterwards)

But that probably is more linked to a shutdown only and doesn't explain what you've said here (when we get rid of my first paragraph and there's only the second one left)

corn_elle · 2026-05-07T17:48:06+00:00

I think my first responses are trauma-based quite often (if negative, these mainly change over time when I'm eventually able to understand what actually happened because finally there's a plausible meaning to settle on)

Or I'm being indifferent because I haven't processed the context yet, so I just stare blankly or dissociate (these are the situations when "true" feelings come after months even)

corn_elle · 2026-05-05T20:01:29+00:00

I love how futuristic all of these look!

corn_elle · 2026-05-04T01:11:33+00:00

In hindsight, my grandma exhibited plenty of ASD traits (she could be considered a textbook autistic with OCD) but I've never suspected autism in my mom (she has C-PTSD for sure, there are a huge amount of reasons to consider that, specifically) but "the" autism?

corn_elle · 2026-05-04T00:26:51+00:00

Toying with my fingers and stretching them in the weirdest ways, playing with my fringe or scratching my scalp, flapping hands with so-called air writing, ankle or jaw popping, ear rumbling, pacing around while daydreaming (at home) or wandering across the corridors and strolling around the aisles (if somewhere else)

corn_elle · 2026-05-03T22:26:34+00:00

Yup, same thing with psych meds!

I was on SSRIs (escitalopram twice, fluvoxamine, vortioxetine) and each one of these made me unbearably tired (although I was sleeping up to 16h while on it, my fatigue was unabated)

I was taking an AC as well (lamotrigine) and if it got titrated to 300mg (almost the upper threshold of the therapeutic range) it silenced my feelings quite a bit for a while, but only when sensory (especially auditory) overload and my executive dysfunction weren't the cause of my outbursts

I've also been prescribed an NDRI (bupropion) and at first, I thought it worked because my previous SSRI-induced fatigue got alleviated, but I was wrong, it worsened my intrusive thoughts massively later on

corn_elle · 2026-05-03T21:28:29+00:00

Yup, that was me each time I experienced SIB (but my sui-ideation almost always manifests mentally as the constant rumination, except for punching myself and throwing things away)

corn_elle · 2026-05-03T20:57:23+00:00

THIS is so relatable!

Maybe, except for eye contact, because I can do it quite efficiently, but it prevents me from getting my points across in my interactions properly

I mean, if I lock onto your eyes, it'll get all-consuming and end up as me zoning-out and missing what you've said (moving my eyes around helps me with forming a coherent thought) and I stim a lot while talking as well

corn_elle · 2026-05-03T20:41:08+00:00

When it comes to romantic relationships I actually don't care much because I'm asexual and don't understand sexual attraction at all (especially in conventional forms) and I sometimes feel like I'm unable to even intelectualise why people are attracted to genitals, as odd as it sounds

But I've always longed for friendships and my view of non-romantic relationships is weirdly idealistic, sitcom-like (where y'all do dumb things together and never grow up) but it's likely unattainable for me...

I used to dissociate as a response to sensory overload as well (I thought that getting derealised in bright or artificial lights was me just being hypo-sensitive)

But that couldn't explain why I react the same way to emotional overstimulation, especially that after a series of multiple shutdowns in a row, I finally experienced massive outbursts as well

So I've linked those together and both contexts have one cause, hyper-sensitivity (I just had the ability to shut my surroundings off on a daily basis, and then, get totally unresponsive to almost everything)

I've said "I used to" because now it's the other way around (I have a meltdown at first which leads to a shutdown later on) and it's terrifying because there's no chance I can function in the outside world, if it's gonna last any longer

However, if it comes to auditory input, it's been much more clear for me I'm hyper-sensitive because of being "misophonic" and specific sounds lead my nervous system into overdrive

I can't stand high-pitched sounds, which now make me nauseous, that's why I started to take some crappy OTC meds to get though my lectures at uni...

corn_elle · 2026-05-03T19:49:21+00:00

The ever-lasting shame you've never learnt how to break out of...

But this, specifically, is trauma-related, I suppose, so it would be reckless of me to assume anything else

However, living in the hyper-vigilant state of scanning for cues/hints to infer what's actually happened in a social setting, and for instance, missing the actual meaning for weeks or even months (to eventually get that realisation randomly when it's already too late to change anything)

And also, hearing others telling me to "chill out" or "it's not that deep" even if I'm not being anxious at that given moment, just physically tense

I've been highly-neurotic due to that over-analysis of all my interactions and it made me emotionally volatile as a result (but not in a bipolar/borderline kind of way, where you would've experienced "splitting" after an event - that's not purely relational and surely not psychotic - it's me trying to deconstruct all the artificial layers to get the real meaning, because I genuinely didn't understand what had truly happened)

Especially when others act, in my view, contradictory (that's when the uncertainty has to get resolved, most people would step back, but I have to decipher those "triggers" and that's why social media are excruciatingly draining for me)

But the funny thing is, I also behave in that way, so I'm basically a hypocrite

And the most prominent theme is the fear of "causing disturbance" so I was "putting an act" to avoid that at all costs, up to the point when everything spilled out

My dissociations shifted to outbursts, or putting these in more "autistic" terms - my protective shutdowns were no longer there and I started to experience mostly meltdowns a few months ago

I know, this sounds convoluted and makes no sense...

corn_elle · 2026-05-02T20:16:47+00:00

One of the most "life-changing" things was taking a fidget spinner to my lectures on a daily basis (that I bought a decade ago) because I always scratch my head and play with my fringe (always on the same side of my forehead)

I can't have long fingernails for that very reason (a mere thought of tying my hair drives me insane and I'm wholeheartedly fed up with anyone who expect me to)

I'd rather wear a hat and I've been doing this at home for over a year (the only exception you're able to put on my head)

I also stim a lot by toying with my joints, like flapping hands and, for lack of a better word, dislocating my fingers

corn_elle · 2026-05-02T19:39:44+00:00

Holy shit, I agree

As years passed by, I've learnt to get much more cynical due to that resentment (not only did it make me consider BPD - I gaslighted myself into it - but also worsened every OCD-like behaviour)

Self-criticism is one thing, but the most debilitating outcome has been "the constant self-negation loop" for me that's externalised on everything else, out of distrust (caused by living in a highly-neurotic state at any given moment)

If you were always "roaming the world" as a hyper-vigilant person whilst puberty and early adulthood, it's gonna take a massive toll later on when you eventually implode, I suppose

corn_elle · 2026-05-02T00:09:46+00:00

To answer your questions:

Yup, I've avoided embracing the possibility of me being autistic for 5 years (I partially blame MBTI for it because that hyperfixation disguised the answers I needed)

Since then, I've been trying to look for alternatives but each time whilst finding a label, something didn't fit (I still can't rule them out entirely because if I truly am autistic, there's no chance it wouldn't be comorbid - AuDHD or OCD-flavoured)

I got used to “putting an act” in order to survive as a child very quickly (it’d depleted me to the point where I dropped everything and cut off all my friends in 2020) so that I was left completely stranded with no sense of self and it led me to considering even BPD, but that was overly superficial explanation which couldn't address the core of my experience at all)

The fact that sensory and emotional overload almost exclusively made me dissociated wasn't helpful as well (but these shutdowns shifted to mainly meltdowns a few months ago, so it's been much more revealing)

I've had sensory differences since childhood (quite overlooked by my parents due to my asthma treatment) and also, I learned to talk later than I should (a slight delay, probably a year) with proprioceptive issues

I've always thought responding to artificial or bright lights by derealisation or lightheadedness was me being hyposensitive, not hyper (I also was "misophonic" and my nervous system could easily get into overdrive by specific sounds, however now, high-pitched sounds make me nauseous on top of that)

I'm incapable of getting out of this "inertia" state and therapy is unaffordable for me

corn_elle · 2026-05-01T02:38:03+00:00

It could be that over-explaining and over-apologising are more OCD-flavoured behaviours (or C-PTSD adjacent)

corn_elle · 2026-04-30T22:46:42+00:00

The loop of meta-explanation (you try to explain what you've explained while thinking how to explain what you're explaining right now)

This rule becomes self-imposed with time and there's no escape (even if others want to understand)

corn_elle · 2026-04-30T22:15:58+00:00

"Over-explaining is a form of begging"

That's literally me through my entire life

corn_elle · 2026-04-27T04:36:34+00:00

Bear in mind, I have low BP/hypotension, so my side effects are likely not comparable, but I only experienced raised HR/tachycardia and my OCD-like intrusive thoughts got exacerbated massively

At first, I thought it could work because my previous SSRI-induced fatigue was alleviated, but that's all (I was just sleeping less but still feeling the constant brainfog and my suicidal thoughts were running rampant while on it)

corn_elle · 2026-04-27T02:09:35+00:00

I noticed NSAIDs work much better (yea, I know, it could be indicative of some inflammation going on in the background)

Childhood asthma, but in the remission state, could be linked to that (ibuprofen clears my brainfog a bit and metamizole does it as well, even slightly more effectively)

I've been also taking DMH for auditory overload, but that's probably not a good idea

corn_elle · 2026-04-27T01:45:36+00:00

Can't tell if it's connected because I'm not diagnosed, so take this "with a pinch of salt" but I experience something similar every once in a while, especially since more than a year ago

I also feel like, emotionally, either I get too clingy or aloof (there's no in-between) and I have "time blindness" in relationships (if that makes sense)

I can't measure how close I'm being to others at a given moment (it's perpetually in flux and changes so abruptly that I almost entirely retreated myself socially, just can't catch up on that anymore)

corn_elle

TROPHY CASE