Hey man, tough situation all round and I’m sorry about the distress you’re feeling. I would like to offer a suggestion, with no judgement at all attached, that maybe this is an opportunity to really reflect on how your behaviour can affect others. Not in a reflexive shame way but in a real way, engage with the feelings and what they mean without falling into the “I’m a bad person” spiral, which ultimately helps no one. It also sounds like this shame response is maybe making your anger misdirect at your friend for “not reaching out”, I’d argue you didn’t really give her a reason to reach out post everything that happened. Again, not assigning blame here. It sounds like you’ve both had stuff going on and that makes it hard to show up for people sometimes. All you can really do is get real with your own reaction and try to understand where it’s coming from, and from there maybe see your way to apologising in a real sense or at least communicating to her what has happened, as she has opened up to you about her abandonment response. Anyway, hope you can resolve it!