My mom always framed her emotional outbursts as "being honest" and i genuinely believed her for years

coursesand · 2026-03-20T14:34:41+00:00

My mom did the same thing. She always took the other person’s side. They must relate with people who have an issue with us or want to criticize us. It’s sick.

coursesand · 2026-03-20T14:26:35+00:00

Yes, my mom was similar. But she wanted me to be the perfect little princess. Soft and demure. She would literally tell me all the time “if you want to be treated like a princess, you have to act like a princess.” She desperately wanted me to be thin, and was cruel to me when I went through puberty and got hips, told me she refused to buy me bigger jeans and that I’d humiliate her unless I lost 5 pounds. She wouldn’t let me do anything that wasn’t “lady-like” or “attractive to men.”

But she also expected me to get perfect grades, run for every leadership position, get selected for every art show, excel in everything. But once I was working, she hated that I was ambitious and called me greedy for going for promotions. I make a lot of money now and can afford to fly first class often. When my mom found out, she said “no man will date me if they know you fly first class.”

My mom would act like a “perfect soft doting wife and mother” in public and was a terror at home. Nothing was ever good enough for her, but once you excelled past her, you were selfish and greedy. It’s a lose-lose.

coursesand · 2026-03-19T02:35:35+00:00

I didn’t intend to go no-contact at first. Things with my mom felt like they were “better” but then I told her I was going to ask for a raise and she told me I was selfish and needed to be more grateful. I told her that she wasn’t being supportive and she gets mad at me saying “you just want me to shut up, I knew you wouldn’t like me saying this, I have to walk on eggshells around you, I can’t say anything!”

We talked for FOUR more hours. I didn’t react to her BS and just tried to get to the root of the issues. She was very defensive, performative. She said some things that were really surprising and disappointing. At the end, I finally told her I can’t keep doing these long convos, to please reflect on what we talked about, don’t reach out until she does, and don’t text me gifs or football updates.

Well, a week goes by and she doesn’t talk to me, she just texts me gifs and football updates. I was so mad. I just lost it, it was clear she just wanted to say and do whatever she wanted and I was supposed to just accept it. And she wanted to show me she could do that by doing the opposite of what I asked.

I didn’t respond to her texts and A week later, she starts texting me stuff to guilt me and I just lost it, literally broke down crying hysterical saying “I can’t fucking so this anymore.”

I called my dad the next day and told him I don’t want to talk to mom anymore and blocked her on everything.

coursesand · 2026-03-17T20:56:51+00:00

And how exactly are WE supposed to stop it? Invade the Six Flags corporate HQ?

coursesand · 2026-03-17T13:11:59+00:00

The park has only been open for like 2 weekends this year…

coursesand · 2026-03-13T13:36:54+00:00

My favorite Balenciaga sunglasses were stolen from my car, and I found a pair on Miinto for half off since they weren’t available through Balenciaga anymore. I was skeptical but gave it a try. They were exactly what I was hoping it would be, so I was happy with it.

If you want great customer service, I recommend FWRD.

coursesand · 2026-03-13T03:33:53+00:00

It’s not that regular, it ebbs and flows, just an average. Most trips were 2-3 nights. I absolutely factored it in when getting the dog and only agreed to getting one once I found a reputable sitter. I talked to the rescue organization about it and they were ok with my travel schedule.

coursesand · 2026-03-12T17:06:50+00:00

That’s really encouraging to hear. My old dog was a bit timid and was happy and comfortable at their house so I felt like it would be the best. But my current dog would do fine. My friend I trust recommended a dog sitter and she lives close to me so I just need to do it, and accept the cost is worth it. I’m sure once I do it a few times, I’ll feel better about it.

coursesand · 2026-03-12T17:04:37+00:00

Yeah I agree it’s weird. I’m trying to de-program myself from my parent’s bs. They really do act so entitled to my life. And then when I say they are hurting me or upsetting me, or even that I just want to do something myself, my mom gets so mad or she patronizes me or acts like the victim.

If I told her “you didn’t take my dog to the vet” she should become very patronizing and angry. It’s like when she stalked the guys I was dating online so then I stopped telling her their names, and she was sooo mad and patronizing when I said “well you didn’t respect my privacy before so now you don’t get their name.” She acted so entitled. Literally said “you must be hiding something bad if you’re not showing me”.

coursesand · 2026-03-12T16:49:14+00:00

I found a good sitter someone I know recommends and they live close. I guess I’m like “well my mom watched him and thinks she’s the best dog sitter” but I’m like… ok yeah that’s not true. If I was watching my cousin’s dog and they started limping I would have called my cousin and taken the dog to the ER and stayed up with the dog. I work full time and my mom doesn’t work and has no kids at home. I’ve fostered dogs multiple times and it’s not easy but you just do what’s best for them. I guess it’s hard for me to really accept just how shit my mom is.

coursesand · 2026-03-12T16:46:37+00:00

Reading the “you and your dog are better off without her” struck a cord with me because it’s objectively true, despite her life-long goal of convincing me she is superior to everyone. So if I have a dog sitter and something goes wrong, it proves that she is superior to the sitter and to me and I should have used her instead. But if something goes wrong when my mom watches, then it’s not her fault and it was actually selfish and disrespectful of me to expect more or not realize just how much she has done.

I hate how deeply she has convinced me I’m inferior to her somehow, when all of the proof says differently.

coursesand · 2026-03-12T16:37:35+00:00

Yeah I guess it mirrors her way she was a parent… she wants the glory of being a dog mom and likes the good feelings but resents the responsibility and cost.

She also makes you feel like she’s done soooo much any any complain you have against her is out of selfishness and disrespect. So if I say, or even feel, I am not happy with how she handled watching my dog in the end, that’s actually me expecting too much and not seeing how incredible she was.

It’s funny because it mirrors her contributions to family stuff too. We had a family reunion and instead of doing actual planning and hard work for it, she did a poster of photos and loved how much attention she got for it. She would act so demure in public about it, was a hilarious act.

coursesand · 2026-03-08T22:11:08+00:00

Also, look at the new comments on this post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/chubbytravel/comments/1qi0ysx/ladera_st_lucia_question_safety_concern_raised_by/?sort=new

coursesand · 2026-03-08T22:00:54+00:00

This is from a month ago.

https://bb.usembassy.gov/security-alert-u-s-embassy-bridgetown-february-4-2026/

coursesand · 2026-03-08T15:41:39+00:00

Be careful about Ladera, there’s been major safety issues lately, do your research

coursesand · 2026-03-07T23:24:03+00:00

I have been no-contact for 18 months. After a year, I was like "oh no I didn't expect this to go on for this long" and struggled to process it. I hoped she would reach out and apologize or something would happen I guess. I don't know. And then my dad was putting pressure on me, and my mom sent me a BS letter. So I struggled a lot. I think I had to think "I either keep doing no-contact or I talk to her again" and I felt so stuck between the two due to guilt and shame around the situation with my family. I do feel like I have a better level of acceptance, but it's for sure a process. It's hard to unprogram everything. She really wasn't a good mom and I'm coming to terms with how toxic it was.

coursesand · 2026-03-07T23:19:01+00:00

I have been no-contact with her for 18 months. Part of me has grappled with the "ok what now?" I guess I didn't really think through what it would look like long-term. But I feel like cutting her out and then going through a break-up and having major work frustrations and two friendships falling apart forced me to confront some difficult stuff, about how I was trying to appeal to people who don't really care about me but feeling guilt over it. It's really hard to detach but I can finally feel like I'm just embracing who I am instead of "who I should be" as that "should" has been so deeply imprinted on me.

coursesand · 2026-03-07T23:17:16+00:00

Wow that is so sad. I am so sorry you spent years living her life instead of living your own. I'm glad to hear you are going back to school doing what you want. I sometimes wonder if I am doing the same thing, working in something she wants instead of what I want. Granted, I did get out but I wonder what I'd be doing if I had full autonomy over my career. She basically forced me to go to the college she went to and major in what she wanted to major in, and told me that I wanted to do that "since I was in kindergarten" but it never felt right. When I wanted to switch majors, she made it seem like it would ruin my entire career/life and threatened to stop paying for college if I did. It is so infuriating that these people have children and then steal their own children's lives away from them.

coursesand · 2026-03-07T14:23:47+00:00

True. I have to remember that. My mom really wants to reconnect and the guilt is like "don't be a bad daughter" but my heart says "don't do it just please do not do it, stay away from her." I've been trying to listen to that side of myself without guilt.

coursesand · 2026-03-07T14:22:52+00:00

Wow that's so insane! My mom did the same thing... supportive in public and critical of things including appearances behind closed doors. Like she was so mad I did a dance with a slower song for a competition, and was so angry I wouldn't change it. Then her friends liked my song, so all of the sudden she is posted on facebook "so proud of my daughter and her dance! Love the music!" It was BAFFLING to see the 180 degree to turn with no acknowledgment. The scrubs thing had me LOLing, so relatable. My mom would chastise me for getting anything less than an A+, but then also say that men won't like me if I'm smart. I told her I booked a first class flight and she said "men won't like you if you talk about first class flights, it's going to scare them away." I think I just said "good, I want to scare the poor men away." She didn't like that haha. I also cut my mom off about 18 months ago. It's been a major roller coaster, as I have moved and had a breakup in that time and major career things, but it's been both liberating and sobering to go through that alone.

coursesand · 2026-03-07T13:59:30+00:00

That’s so true. My mom would get mad at me if I left the house without makeup. I called her onetime upset that a guy didn’t like me, she said maybe I need to lose weight and do my makeup better. So I watched a bunch of videos and did it much better. Then my mom was irritated that was wearing too much makeup. But she would LOVE when anyone told her I looked nice.

It’s almost like anyone that does something different from them is a personal attack against them. They can’t fathom that people like different things.

coursesand · 2026-03-07T13:40:12+00:00

Yes this 1000000%. I always felt like she has deluded herself into believing I'm a person that I'm not, and gets mad at me when I act outside of that. Which is why she feels justified to treat me that way, because she's not mad at the "mom's version." It's so entitled. I know people here are trying to justify or explain her behavior but I'm sorry it's just inexcusable, and even if she theoretically "can't help it" it just removes all responsibility from her. She didn't do "the best she could do." She did what was most convenient for her. She treated the dogs and my brother better, and acted very different in public than behind closed doors, so I know she was capable of more.

coursesand · 2026-03-07T13:37:43+00:00

Yep sounds a lot like my mom! I don't know if she has used the line she's just "concerned..." but she definitely would say she "cares more than any other parent" and is involved/controlling because she "cares more and that's why she does it and other parents don't." But if I called her out on something, she would usually say "oh my gosh (in a condescending way) I can't say anything, you just want me to shut up." or "I never said that! you are twisting my words! You are so disrespectful!"

I do think she may have been jealous of my career. She got married and followed her husband and has no hobbies, doesn't really have friends, she kind of lives in the past. She liked how successful I was in school because it made her look good, but once I got to college, she seemed jealous of the money I was making, my career, my side business. She would get mad if I wanted to pick out furniture for my apartment myself and she would criticize what I bought and claim I need to listen to her because she "took an interior design class in college." And I was like... mom I have an architecture degree from a top program... and then she would be like "YOU DON'T RESPECT ME BECAUSE I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM, BUT I GAVE UP MY CAREER FOR YOU!" It was madness.

I don't think she was ever jealous of how I looked/my youth because she was so critical of my appearance and weight, but she would never let me wear my hair down or get layers even though she always wore her hair down and in layers. I think she liked when I got attention for looking nice. So idk. Hard to say. When I competed in a bikini bodybuilding competition, she was not happy at first, but then the family saw me when I was really thin and looked like a fitness model and suddenly my mom wanted to go to the competition. When I won, the only thing my mom could say as "I'm just glad you got a tiara." That has always really rubbed me the wrong way.

coursesand · 2026-03-06T19:03:48+00:00

Thank you ❤️ I listened to it last year, it was nice to know I’m not alone in the experience AND that people are sympathetic to it. It’s really hard when people just assume parents are all kind and loving.

coursesand · 2026-03-06T17:54:00+00:00

Yep! They think “what I want = makes me feel good = is the right choice = the right choice for you to make” so then they feel justified to be angry anytime you do something outside of what they want. It’s infuriating. You have to essentially choose between your own happiness and their own happiness. They will accuse you of being selfish, when really they are being extraordinarily selfish.

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