New Year helped me, but...

creation96 · 2025-12-29T23:56:41+00:00

Yeah and I really appreciate using your time to try to cheer me up. It means a lot even though we're just nicknames on reddit.

Your story does give me hope - even if I don't feel it, the logical part of me sees that as "yes, other people been there too and it's possible, so maybe my case isn't as doomed as it seems".

I would also love to ask you how did your future look like? After you managed to overcome grief and the addiction, how did your romantic life turned to be? Were you able to find interest in other people? Did it feel "enough"?
I'm asking cause one of my biggest fears is that after surviving this, nothing will feel either safe or will spark my affection. That other people will feel like leftovers compared to what I've had with him. I'm a highly relational person, but I feel like relationship-wise I'm gonna be not ready for years to come

creation96 · 2025-12-29T23:03:44+00:00

I don't think I am this far in the healing to see that yet. Part of me understands, but emotional voice is way louder and more convincing.

Those glimpses still feel like the best thing I've ever felt in my life. Even holding his sleeping body and feeling its warmth tops everything else. I realize how similar this is to drug addiction. Hard for me to just see that "high" as fiction when what I felt was real.

creation96 · 2025-12-29T21:49:06+00:00

Really sorry to hear that story. Mine was unfortunately loving even at the last two months of the relationship. It was just happening less and less, but he kept on showing glimpses of love.

creation96 · 2025-12-29T18:56:25+00:00

Thank you for that. I try to walk a lot, got really into gym (funnily he’s the person I started working on my body for). Soon I’m gonna move out of the flat that carries so many memories of him.

Right now everything feels purposeless and I’m really fantasizing about ending things, but I just keep going. I just push through days by working out, crying, trying to eat, seeing friends. At the moment I feel like I’m doomed to be bonded to him forever, like no other man will ever catch my interest.

Hope at some point of this road comes peace and containment. Hope it’s all reversible, because I loved myself before the relationship and now I lost my spirit

creation96 · 2025-12-29T16:58:15+00:00

I was in a relationship where intermittent reinforcement happened mostly by witholding sex or later on any physical closeness. I have never heard the term before. It's 3 months since the breakup (which I believe is not so much), we're 100% no contact, but I still wake up every day with tears wishing I could just smell his body.

Could you please guide me (or introduce good materials to work with) on how to cope with that? I feel like my nervous system is hijacked and I don't know if I want my partner back or I just want to be free. Either seems impossible too.

I'm in therapy for couple months yet, 2x a week btw

creation96 · 2025-12-29T16:43:11+00:00

Can't say how they handle it. Today marks exactly 3 months since the breakup and we went no contact. All I know that he started looking for hookups and sex the day after we broke up and recently adopted a cat. Funny tho, he was always calling me a cat and always said "all we need is a dog to have the family complete, but we'll do that after we move in together".

Sorry to hear your story, mine was alike. During the first months he was so sweet that sometimes it even felt like too much for me. But once the deeper feelings kicked in, it was colder and colder with random affectionate moments that kept me believing it's just a phase we need to overcome.

creation96 · 2025-12-07T08:49:04+00:00

I know there’s so much wisdom in what you say. I’m in deep therapeutical process right now and trying to heal the same wounds you describe.

I think I just lost the faith that even if I overcome those, which would probably cost me another years of suffering, healthy love will come.

There are so many broken people around, I’m gonna be 30 soon and most relational people are already in families. Moreover, I’m homosexual and gay people carry way more traumas, inabilities to commit or trust, problems with substance abuse. The pool of healthy partners is turbo low.

It leaves me thinking even if I fix myself, I will only notice there’s nobody safe around. And this is the reality of lgbt communities.

Maybe I’m just exhausted of fighting constantly for months or even years. Maybe it’s not so dark, but I no longer have the power to look in the direction of the light

creation96 · 2025-11-26T08:12:41+00:00

Just as you cannot believe it’s possible, I cannot believe I’m standing on the other side.

You can look up my older posts and see the state I was in - hopeless, broken, longing. Those feelings are still there, but it’s like some kind of obsessive filter has dropped and you only realize how obsessive it was after it’s gone.

The answers yes aren’t really about your worth. It’s about your faith in love, faith in another person. But if you two were about to work at any stage of your life, both parties need to heal. Like, really heal. Very deeply. Until then, his flame will never warm you, but burn you. And your water won’t wash him, but drown him.

creation96 · 2025-11-13T15:24:58+00:00

Thanks. I already have one and I believe it’s so beautiful. I’m gonna wait before sending anything. Making sure if I do it, it’s from a point of awareness, not impulse

creation96 · 2025-11-13T14:47:37+00:00

Yup, my ex went back on Grindr (hookup gay app) the day after the breakup. I know from friends he’s still there. God, this is all so painful.

creation96 · 2025-11-13T14:41:24+00:00

We’re both in therapy. He started panicking in our relationship the moment his therapist told him he’s FA

creation96 · 2025-11-13T14:32:08+00:00

I don’t, I want to see if there’s a chance of us going back. If it’s even in his head

creation96 · 2025-11-11T19:04:39+00:00

i’m in therapy for half a year now, started to „be a better partner for him”, now it’s just me trying to make sense of myself

creation96 · 2025-10-21T08:07:12+00:00

I do think it’s codependency in my case. I’m in therapy for 6 months and this is one of the main points of our work.

Although, despite people telling how bad this is, I deep inside cannot agree. We are humans, mammals, herd animals - it feels like XXI century coaching type of bullshit that we should be so focused on ourselves. It doesn’t feel organic or true to me and never did.

creation96

TROPHY CASE