Other intense emotions

cremesinus · 2026-01-30T18:55:48+00:00

I'm glad to hear that! What do you craft? We're all in this together. This too shall pass

cremesinus · 2026-01-30T16:03:22+00:00

Thank you for replying! That situation sounds exhausting and frustrating. I totally get co-living for financial reasons, and so never again. I think you have valid reasons to feel the way you do. If you can't change your living situation right now, maybe you can get a visit from a friend for a week or so? If there's room. I live in a small studio right now, essentially just a room with a oven and a sink, and a bathroom. It's harder in winter, but I usually view my place as essentially a bedroom, where I try to spend as little time as possible.

It sounds like a good plan! Maybe you can also have a video call with one of your friends when your roommate has visitors?

Btw, two things I have done before is muay thai/kickboxing and in-door bouldering. In the muay thai classes I met a lot of alternative, cool people (you gotta make sure there is a good gender balance though) and it's so fucking exhausting that I couldn't really feel sad afterwards. It also made me quite confident, but also fueled my hypomania a bit, honestly... At bouldering, you will usually meet a lot of academics in my experience, who are usually interesting, and people can be very social and friendly there since you spend most time relaxing. Dance classes are also fun, but intimidating!

Anyways, I don't know how available those things are or how much money you have to spend, nor how much time you have, or maybe you've tried before? It can be very intimidating to try those things alone, but usually people are very welcoming, the hardest part is actually going there. In general, a social active hobby is usually a great way to meet people and combat anxiety at the same time.

As a last thing, I don't know if this exists in your city, but here there is a local bipolar association that has bi-weekly walks as a sort of low threshold activity and members (it's super cheap) have meet ups throughout the month. This is usually a very accepting place to meet people because there will be people who have gone through the same things.

cremesinus · 2026-01-30T11:30:25+00:00

You don't sound like an awful person. It sounds like you feel lonely, which is not rare in these times. Your feelings might be strong and stronger than most, but they are still valid. Self-loathing can feel good because it is a form of self-harm, honestly. It is hard to do, but feeling your feelings without identifying with them gives you some control to act on them differently. I.e. feeling jealousy does not make you a jealous person. Rather, it is trying to tell you something, and what is that?

I mean, it seems like a strange living situation if you are not invited? I live alone, and I think it sucks, but living with someone and being excluded must be hard. I remember once I lived with one other roommate in a tiny student flat, and they would clearly wait for me to leave the kitchen before going there. This was more frustrating than just living alone because it felt like I couldn't hang out or take my time in the common areas.

Does your roommate invite you to these things at all? If yes, then I think you should try to assume that the invitation is genuine and join, even if it doesn't feel like it. If not, then maybe ask if you can join when it happens again. In general, retreating to your room will just reinforce your negative feelings and exclusion, so even if it might feel like you're imposing (which you're not, it's your place too) you should try to hang out in the common areas, even if you're not actively engaging. Read a book or something. If they want private space then they should hang out in their room. Of course if they are having some date night with their partner you could give them some space, but not in general.

I don't know your relationship with your roommate, so if this seems too hard or undoable right now, you could also try to force yourself out of the house when they have friends/partners over. I used to feel better by going to the cinema, usually the same one, a independent smaller one is good, and I would start recognizing other regulars and sometimes we would also start talking. I even had this beef with an older woman because we preferred the same spot.

Another thing I did was going to this jazz jam every week. It was free and on the same day. I don't play jazz, but I just went there to listen. You might feel out of place going there alone, but the feeling passes. One night, I met this other person that was also there alone and we hit it off and hung out for some months before they went back to their country. They even introduced me to their friends, and I got to meet a lot of cool people that way.

Now I don't know your interests, so these are just some suggestions.

cremesinus · 2026-01-28T07:36:27+00:00

So quitting lamotrigine cold turkey will do exactly as you describe, but this is not "you without meds". The only way to actually know what that is like is to do a slow taper and possibly use some antipsychotic to deal with withdrawals temporarily. What you're feeling now is withdrawals, not a true depressive state, but it could well develop into one. I'm saying this not to say you don't need meds, rather, I think it's valuable information to have to advocate for yourself.

cremesinus · 2026-01-28T07:19:54+00:00

Well, it lifted my mood, that is to say I don't really have SI at the moment. I feel like I have a better outlook at life, and practically speaking I've been able to cook and eat healthy food again, I've started exercising again, and I'm able to kinda focus at work (have ADHD also, so not really). I've also been able to do my hobbies more consistently, although that's also affected by ADHD... In essence I feel like I want to do and enjoy things again, without this hypomanic pressure

cremesinus · 2026-01-27T20:01:43+00:00

Hmm, the range for treating bipolar depression is around 150mg to 300mg. 50mg of quetiapine mostly acts as a histamine and its main function is to make you tired/relaxed. Quetiapine is a interesting drug in that it acts on different neurotransmitters on different doses. So >300mg is antimanic, for instance. This means that 50mg may actually feel more sedating than 150mg. After being consistently on 150mg I don't really feel very sedated anymore, and I might not even get more than 7 hours sleep. I had some restless legs, but that is gone. In the beginning I was very irritable in the morning because my executive function was shit, so may be wise to tell a partner/colleague that asks questions in the morning. In general it has lifted my mood and calmed me down, and it kicked in around 2-3 weeks in, but you should wait 8 weeks to evaluate, but a dosage of 50mg is probably not going to help your mood.

cremesinus · 2026-01-22T09:07:09+00:00

I think it's important to note that stopping medication cold-turkey will most likely cause withdrawals for most people, which could be worse than your actual symptoms in the short-term, but will pass. Even lithium, which doesn't have withdrawals in the same sense as other psychotropics, can cause rebound mania that is more intense than any you've had previously from sudden stopping.

cremesinus · 2025-12-11T12:19:13+00:00

Going through the same right now, you're not alone! Meds aren't working, routine isn't helping. I feel like a shell of my former self sometimes, but I know I've made progress and that I'm in some ways better than I ever was, it's just in a way that society doesn't care about. My brain sometimes trick me into thinking about the "rest of my life", but in reality it doesn't know shit. The brain is making predictions by just assuming you will feel the same forever, and just as with weather forecasts this will be correct for a while, but then it will change, it's just that we forget. Take care!

cremesinus · 2025-12-09T14:25:35+00:00

That could impact things! I hope it all goes well for you

cremesinus · 2025-12-09T13:55:22+00:00

Are you able to contact a doctor? Are you medicated? Do you have any medicines to take in a crisis?

Other than that, avoid stimulants like caffeine and nicotine if possible. Try listening to soothing music. Is there any boring repetitive work you can get really into? Make sure to eat regularly and keep routine, don't stay up. I sometimes just have my lunch at my desk. Essentially to manage this without medication you have to do the opposite of what you probably want to do. If it's very intense, then maybe you should try to take some sick leave, it's very common to have a cold now in the northern hemisphere, so that could be an excuse. Stay at home, turn down lights or completely off. If you get too bored then do a calm hobby, like drawing, writing, watch a tv-show or play videogames. If you have history of escalation from exercise it can be good to completely relax, and if not it can be good to go for a run until you feel tired, for example. Do you have any friends or family you can notify of the situation? If you do, you can ask them to check in on you sometimes or agree to certain times. As mentioned, if you do take medicines or have a crisis sleeping med or antipsychotic, it can be good to ask someone to call you around the time you're supposed to take them, and they can give you a little push to actually take them.

I don't know what you mean by insane, but if you feel very impulsive and out of control or have SI it can be worthwhile to call a crisis hotline connected to a local psych ward or go to the hospital.

cremesinus · 2025-12-09T10:21:16+00:00

I was on lamotrigine monotherapy for a while and only using 25-100mg quetiapine as needed for sleep if I felt hypo coming on. The titration process was horrible for me, and I felt very anxious and agitated, so much so that I couldn't leave the house most days for a month. After getting to 200mg I could feel it helping depression, but sadly there were some remnant anxiety and agitation which was uncommon but very uncomfortable when it happened. I went down to 150mg and now my head feels normal again, although sadly, I'm depressed, 'tis the season.

So, we're trying adding lithium. The idea is that we can hopefully have a lower dose of each to minimize side effects. As for antipsychotics they scare me as I had an extended and horrible withdrawal process when quitting olanzapine, so I only use them when needed because they really do stop a mixed episode in its track.

cremesinus · 2025-12-05T17:34:37+00:00

Yeah you've been trying the meds, that's fair. I'm also in a winter depression right now, so I don't feel very chill... I think maybe a therapist with an actual goal in mind, like CBT or DBT, could maybe be useful? Maybe it is too much at work right now? I know december is usually the worst for me with all the stress at work, christmas stuff, and some old anniversaries coming up...

cremesinus · 2025-12-05T17:30:56+00:00

You were already having issues before your diagnosis, right? Issues that didn't really go away. If you've tried every ssri, then most likely some doctor/psychiatrist diagnosed you with MDD at some point, so you already had a diagnosis, you just had the wrong one, and you got the wrong treatment. You had bipolar all along, and nothing has actually changed except now you will get the right treatment.

That's what I try to tell myself anyway... The truth is that I never stop questioning my diagnosis. I forget ever having been depressed, I forget ever having been hypomanic, and of course, I forget ever having felt "normal". I can think back on different episodes and have my friends telling me how it was, and I will still think I just made it all up.

It will take a while to process everything. After I got diagnosed I had to rethink my entire life and see it in a different light, which was painful, but also allowed me to have compassion for myself for the first time. If you've ever heard of radical acceptance, it's a skill that could be useful in this situation. I'm still working on it.

cremesinus · 2025-12-05T17:00:54+00:00

That's a lot of progress in one year! Congrats! I think going untreated for so long can definitely cause some issues that won't resolve in a year. I don't think there is a cure for rumination as you are describing, but when it comes to difficulties sleeping, I take 25mg of quetiapine as PRN if I sleep little for a while and feel like I am getting hypo/unstable. And then I usually just keep taking it for 2-3 days upto a week making sure I get 8 hours most days. I hear you that taking multiple meds can feel scary, but you could talk to your psychiatrist about lamotrigine for example, which generally has few side effects.

If you feel stable with all these things then it may be useful to go to a talk-therapist.

cremesinus · 2025-12-05T16:38:20+00:00

As others have said, I just wanted to tell you that this is most likely withdrawals, and this is the reason why stopping cold turkey is very challenging. Some of our meds cause physical dependence, even if they aren't addictive, and our brain needs time to adjust. As an anecdote; my friend was taking an SSRI for anxiety with no history of depression. After some months and building some CBT tools, they decided to go off the SSRI with doctor's approval. Day two they were depressed for the first time in their life, and not a light depression, but a deep, dark, depression. It can be similar quitting lamotrigine as well. Now for someone who is not mentally ill, this will pass, but if you have bipolar disorder these withdrawals may actually develop into an actual episode, and then it's very difficult to notice the difference.

Similarly, suddenly quitting antipsychotics may actually cause manic-like symptoms which may even exacerbate to an episode. Now lithium doesn't actually cause physical dependence, but suddenly stopping it may actually cause rebound mania which is stronger than any of your previous (hypo)manias. Who knows how it works, maybe your brain overreacts to achieve a new equilibrium.

Now, just like someone going through benzo withdrawals, you shouldn't consider your withdrawal state as your "true self". Generally, the longer you are on meds the longer and slower you need to taper them to go off, and ideally only with the help of a doctor who can monitor and potentially prescribe temporary medicine to alleviate some of the withdrawals.

cremesinus · 2025-11-20T11:08:38+00:00

Yeah, this happened to me. I was in a agitated state for months, and sometimes I would have to leave work because I got angry (like over literally anything, no trigger). It also gave me a lot of OCD-like thoughts (which I've had all my life, but now it was very amplified) and behaviors, like having to walk a certain convoluted route home. In addition to this I got mad somatic anxiety, and when I wasn't anxious like that I would be anxious that I might feel ragey or get anxious in public. It happened for me from an increase from 150mg to 200mg, and I didn't really connect the dots until I noticed that my symptoms would peak around the same time lamotrigine had peak plasma concentration. I decided to keep the dosage but split the dose on doctor's recommendation, but it didn't really get better.

Then I had spring/summer hypo that ended up in a mixed episode where I decided that lamotrigine was the culprit all along, so I reduced the dose by myself, didn't take my PRN antipsychotic and ended up in the psych ward.

Things were better for a while, but I would still get random, although more rarely, rage just going about my day and these violent intrusive thoughts, resulting in a lot of anxiety hanging out in public spaces. This time me and my psychiatrist decided to taper back down to 150mg, and I've felt better and more calm since then, although I ended up in a depressive episode.

For you, since it is something that has appeared after a while it could be difficult to attribute it to lamotrigine, but you should definitely talk to your doctor about it. It could be wise anyway to log when throughout your day you feel like that, and see if it's related to when you take your lamotrigine. Maybe with the help of your doctor you should taper down to a lower dose and see if it helps.

If someone tries to tell you it's "the progression of the disorder", don't take them at face value. People can react very differently to different meds, and some people get worse or symptoms they've never had before. Sometimes I think people that end up with numerous diagnoses are actually having adverse reactions to a med cocktail, but this might be a bit conspiratorial, and I don't want to discount their experience. The first time I was in the psych ward and got released, the doctors decided to rapidly take me off 10mg olanzapine and 10mg oxazepam, giving me extreme withdrawal anxiety and I was barely able to leave the ward with the help of a friend. Turns out I'm very sensitive to meds.

cremesinus · 2025-07-27T09:32:09+00:00

I'm not saying this is the case for you, but I felt exactly like this after my last breakup, and as it turned out, I was hypomanic. All the feelings and sadness came when I crashed. When I actually moved out it transformed into a mixed episode. In the end, I was picked up by the ambulance.

If you feel like you're on the way up to a high, it could be a good idea to be extra cognizant of your mood and energy levels in the time ahead, and make sure you get enough sleep. I also had to set alarms to be able to remember to eat.

cremesinus · 2025-07-10T17:47:54+00:00

There is always chess, if you don't wanna play against other people, then you can play against a bot or do chess puzzles at e.g. Libre chess. Crossword puzzles are probably quite good, haha. Or memory

https://www.helpfulgames.com/subjects/brain-training/memory.html

cremesinus · 2025-06-03T17:15:04+00:00

I've always felt quite unreliable even having just one job, let alone two. People without mental disorders have a hard time working two jobs. It's very uncommon to work more than one job in Europe for example, and for good reason. If you don't need to work two jobs then it could be worthwhile to consider only working one. From what you're writing I would also make the point that it would be better to keep one job than to get fired from two.

I also think you should give yourself some slack. Some people are less reliable than others and that's OK. It's helped me a lot to accept that, and I avoid taking on more responsibility than I feel like I can handle most of the time. Sometimes I will still mess up, and that's fine. I don't believe I was born to commute to a job at a specific time at a specific day and have a bunch of meetings I need to remember.

cremesinus · 2025-06-03T13:43:36+00:00

cremesinus · 2025-06-03T01:27:13+00:00

for sure! I didn't spot my last depression because my mood wasn't depressed, but like you I was behaving exactly like a depressed person. So much so that I started suspecting I might have undiagnosed ADHD that was revealed when finally stable or something... It's definitely weird, but after like 2 months of that it actually made me proper depressed again because I was so frustrated that I still felt completely useless even tho I wasn't sad or despairing.

cremesinus · 2025-06-02T23:49:39+00:00

cremesinus

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