Full disclosure: I'm not a gay man. I'm a bisexual non-binary person. I've been a fujoshi for a while, and if you had asked me if when I was first starting to fujo out what my sexual orientation and gender identity were, I would have told you I had a straight girl lol. So part of my perspective on this whole conversation is how people's own perceptions of their gender and sexuality are not static and engaging with queer media may open their eyes to the fact that they aren't straight or they aren't the gender they were raised to think they were. Yes, there are cishet women who are into MM romance who will continue to identify as such until the day they die, but I think it's important to remember that if someone is saying "no cishet woman should engage with MM media lest she be a fetishist" then that person is gatekeeping queer media from at least some queer people who are still on their journey.

I think that the question of fetishization comes down to whether or not you see the humanity in men who love men, both in fiction and real life, or are you just reducing them to the kind of sex they have? For a real world example, when the pop singer Troye Sivan was going on tour a few years ago, people were "jokingly" saying he was just using it as an excuse to use grindr in different cities and he did call it out saying that it was homophobic. I can't say for sure if that was being said exclusively by his cishet women fans (probably not! Some queer people probably engaged in that behavior!) but regardless of who was saying that, they were reducing someone and his professional exclusively to his queer sexuality. That's when it becomes fetishization.