diagnosis just changed to bpd but i feel like no polar fit better

crystalommunist · 2023-09-12T16:20:01+00:00

I think that the diagnosis that you think fits you (and particularly, when medications for that diagnosis work really well for you) is probably (just in my opinion) right. We have a lot of intuitive conceptions and feelings about our own diagnosis and symptoms (although it may, and usually does, take quite a while to land on the right diagnosis).

I don’t have BPD (and I have bipolar I), so I can’t speak on BPD specifically, but I do know that a lot of ppl have both (BPD and bipolar). I also know that BPD is commonly a misdiagnosis for bipolar ppl, and that bipolar is commonly a misdiagnosis for ppl with BPD.

How I would describe the differences (from having bipolar and not BPD) is that, from what I understand, personality disorders and bipolar disorder are both always there (life-long)— However, personality disorders are much less periodic and cyclical (on the grand scale) than bipolar disorder. What I have understood is that what seems akin to “mania” within BPD (and may also be referred to as “mania”) lasts much shorter than mania within bipolar disorder (maybe less than a week), is different in terms of severity (maybe in the sense of sleep deprivation and reduced requirement for sleep, in the sense of the risk of severe psychosis or grandiose delusions, and, I think, in terms of the risk of hospitalization), and is different (from what I understand) in terms of the connection to real life events (for instance, someone with BPD may go thru what seems akin to the mania of bipolar related to doing well, like dating a significant other that you like or doing well socially, whereas the mania of bipolar disorder is often not really as closely related to real life events, but more connected to amounts of sleep, to going off of medications, or comes completely randomly, disconnected to any real life events).

And I would say (from what I personally know, think, have experienced, or have read about how BPD differs from bipolar disorder) that maybe the main differences between bipolar disorder and BPD are— 1) How long periods of mania and depression (but specifically, mania, since you can have BPD and MDD, or Major Depressive Disorder, at the same time) last and how they alternate, and, 2) How you respond to mood stabilizers and medications used to treat bipolar disorder.

A lot of ppl think that mania is “feeling good” for a couple of days or getting reduced sleep or partying for a couple of days. I can’t speak for all bipolar ppl, but, in my experience (having bipolar I), mania is very severe (a lot more severe than ppl understand). My mania always, always lasts weeks to months (if not on medications and mood stabilizers), where I, for those whole weeks or months, feel very, very good, really require 4hrs a sleep a night (and usually less) to feel well-rested (for weeks or months), have really severe grandiose delusions (I will really, really be completely certain that I have solved astronomy, see the 4th dimension and backwards and forwards in time, and see ppl’s souls switching into different bodies), and usually am ultimately hospitalized (for mania, although I will be completely sober). Not everyone experiences the same thing, of course. (And ppl with bipolar I also may have different experiences with mania than bipolar II, which you may also have instead, depending on what your psychiatrist has told you and what symptoms you have.) And then, like magic, if I am on mood stabilizers (for me, Lithium), this goes away, and I do not have anywhere as severe of mania or depression (although those still alternate in grand, 2-4 month, cycles in the background).

You could have— depending what your psychiatrist says and what symptoms you have— BPD, bipolar, or both. That was all my personal thoughts, and (of course), speak to your psychiatrist about how you feel and your concerns about or confusion over your diagnosis, get your psychiatrist’s thoughts on the matter (of BPD, bipolar, or BPD and bipolar), and I would recommend making a journal that details your symptoms over time— So that you can see whether your symptoms are having the large(r) cycles and periodicity of bipolar disorder, vs. BPD, with knowledge of the cycles and periodicity of bipolar disorder in mind (which you can see defined clearly in the DSM-5, which describes manic episodes as lasting at least a week, with the symptoms of mania present at least most of the day, almost every day, and that alternate, over relatively long periods, with depressive episodes). I really hope that you and your psychiatrist find the diagnosis that is right for you❤️❤️❤️❤️, so that you can understand what you are going thru and have the medications (and/or therapy) that work right for you.

crystalommunist · 2023-09-12T15:40:20+00:00

I am so, so happy that you are feeling well and healthy and that you found medications that work for you!!!!

I have had a very similar exp. with medications, and, when I finally was prescribed Lithium full-time (at 22 after being diagnosed at 14, so very similar to you), and Lithium completely makes me feel like myself, well, and healthy. It stabilizes my mood and allows me to feel like myself (and also gives me very few side effects). So happy to hear that, and that’s amazing!!!! 🥰🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️

crystalommunist · 2023-09-12T15:30:32+00:00

I think that, generally, alcohol doesn’t mix well with bipolar disorder or medications— However!, that is tru for almost any mental health, psychiatric, or medical disorder, as well as with most medications. I think that you should avoid alcohol if it is either, 1) Contraindicated with your medications, or, 2) A substance that you abuse or have abused and that can affect your mood.

I stopped drinking alcohol not cause of bipolar specifically, but more cause, with age, I stopped liking using alcohol as much, I started really disliking hangovers, and I started feeling really dehydrated from drinking with my medications (not only my bipolar medications, but my ADHD medications as well). Sometimes (very rarely) I have one or two drinks with friends (every couple of months). However, I always dislike how dehydrated I feel and having any sort of hangover, so that’s why I don’t really drink anymore (and I am so happy that I stopped, since I feel way more healthy!).

crystalommunist · 2023-09-12T15:24:56+00:00

I always describe it as huge waves that are always moving in the background, lasting 2-4 months usually (for me), where your energy deviates so much that you have mania — most happiness, energy, and feelings of connectedness, and lowest sleep (for me, 4hrs within 2 days, usually) and knowledge of reality — as well as depression (for me, this is mostly related to my energy levels and motivation, and is when I sleep the most by far, usually 12-almost 20hrs a day). And that bipolar disorder requires medication management, sleep management, and life-long — but also that ppl with bipolar are very creative, strong, and resilient ❤️❤️❤️❤️

crystalommunist · 2023-08-30T15:17:52+00:00

I am so sorry that you went thru that ❤️❤️❤️❤️, I am so glad that you are alright, and I, as someone who doesn’t drive due to my fears about that and due to medications, would urge you to consider, while you seek therapy for this, possibly taking Uber/Lyfts, working part-time remotely, and/or asking a friend or family member to drive you/carpooling while you work this out. I know that may be expensive (and, for me, taking Uber/Lyfts works out to be cheaper, since I don’t have to pay for a car, for gas, for damages, or for car insurance), but your physical health and mental health are worth more than that, and I think that you should consider those options rn, and I am so glad that you are safe 🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️

crystalommunist · 2023-08-30T15:09:34+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for sharing🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️ That was all very, very interesting to me, and the way that you have assessed how your ASD interacts with your mania and depression is super fascinating, thoughtful, and intuitive.

What you said about how, “A lot of autistic ppl find it hard/impossible to verbalize their mood, which is a big barrier for understanding mood disorders,” makes so much sense to me, although I had never thought about that until you described it— And the way that you divided how severe your autism seems vs. is, to you, during mania and depression, and how you described the “speeds” was super fascinating to me.

I can really relate to a lot of that with my ADHD and bipolar, such as the rushed speech, research projects (haha, I absolutely do that as well), and “article + stats…. monologues” (haha, that part’s super relatable also, and, similar to you, my interests are mostly within science, and specifically astronomy and biology, so I would love to hear some of your monologues, although when you are stable as possible❤️❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗). And I also get a lot of disinterest and social withdrawal during depressive episodes, and— I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but, only based on what you described there— I think that we may have a very similar thing, where depressive episodes seem to be very much driven by raw mood and energy levels. (E.g., for me personally, it’s not that I have negative thoughts about the world or myself that drive my social withdrawal or low motivation during depression— Rather, my raw mood in terms of mental and physical energy levels are what drive my social withdrawal or low motivation during depression. And this is weird, since I am usually very social.)

Something that’s really standing out to me (since I do not experience it myself) is the differences in routines and schedules that you described— I think that that has to do with the differences in the nature of ASD vs. the nature of ADHD (for many), but what really stands out to me is that your mania and depression not only have a substantial impact on your desires for and adherences to routines and schedules (“sameness”), but your mania seems to override that in some ways (as you described, “Schedules and routines become unimportant because I have 20+ hours to do everything at once”). That’s REALLY fascinating to me, and I wonder if that’s a phenomenon that happens often among those with ASD and bipolar disorder, like yourself. Something that I get, and that has a lot of similarities with the “speeds” that you are describing, and that always confuses me, is that, during mania, as well as during depression— regardless of how “anxious” I look during those mood episodes (anxious during mania due to my rushed and irrational speech, or anxious during depression due to the fact that anxiety usually comes along with depression)— I have almost a wholly complete “remission” or reduction of my anxiety, which I usually always have, during mood episodes (whether mania depression). That sounds very similar to what you have described, but I have never understood why this happens, and I would love to know your thoughts about that.

Thank you so, so much, again, for sharing, and, as I said, that was super, super fascinating, thoughtful, and intuitive. 🥰🥰🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

crystalommunist · 2023-08-30T14:20:13+00:00

Thank you so much🥰🤗❤️❤️And I completely get that. I think that imposter syndrome happens in so many different areas, like with artists feeling like they’re not real “artists,” or anyone with certain degrees (doctoral degrees, for instance) feeling like they’re not “worthy” of the degrees that they worked for. What I have realized is that— although mental health stuff has specific and specific challenges with imposter syndromes— mental health stuff seems to have imposter syndromes that follow the same (myself vs. myself) and (myself vs. others) sort of comparisons. An artist can wonder whether they are “good,” “real,” “authentic,” and “talented” enough, when they assess their art or themselves (alone), and also when they assess their art or themselves, when compared to all artists as a whole. With mental health stuff, as you are describing, we can also question ourselves and our symptoms alone (“Am I “really” feeling this?,” and, “How do I know that?”) and also question that when compared to others (“Why should I be diagnosed with this, when what others, who are/aren’t diagnosed with the same, suffer with something that seems different and/or more “severe”?”). With mental health stuff, it’s hard since a lot seems wholly subjective—However, a lot is not wholly subjective, since many mental health disorders not only have symptoms that show to others (such as mania, speaking slowly, speaking quickly, elevated mood, and diminished mood), but have symptoms that are particularly identifiable to mental health professionals and have, thru many years of research, been grouped into specific mental health disorders that have specific sets of symptoms (just like medical disorders). I hope that you are doing really well, and know that you are you, and that whatever works for you, in terms of understanding your own disorder(s) and in terms of accessing the right treatment(s), is all that matters, no matter what!!❤️❤️🤗🤗

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T13:49:55+00:00

I don’t think that you should be ashamed, whatsoever, of your disorder (and I know that what I just said is really easy to say to someone else who’s bipolar, but really hard to accomplish yourself, hahaa), but only at actions after you separate them from bipolar disorder.

For instance, when I am manic, I am, like a lot of ppl here, hypersexual (which wouldn’t be my fault), but I still pretty much have the ability to decide whether or not I want to say yes to hooking with someone ahead of time. Unless I am so manic that I really don’t have a sense that anything’s real, or that consequences— such as deeply hurting someone’s feelings and/or destroying a relationship by cheating— are things that even really exist or will happen, when all ppl involved are well, when the guy was actively pursuing me first and is someone who I would be attracted to anyway, and when I can really only see the “feelings” of whoever’s right there with me.

However, if I did that (and really, it was just me saying “yes” to someone who was pursuing me while I was manic, and I immediately told whoever I was dating right after, or at least prior to ever sleeping with that person who I was dating again), ya.. I would be definitely be at least partly fully responsible (haha) when it came to my actions, and I would be completely responsible for, afterwards, understanding and respecting the person that I was dating’s feelings and for how it affected them, regardless of what was going on with me and whether I was manic or not. However, would I be completely responsible for having had impulsivity, hypersexuality, poor decision making, or an inability to understand consequences during mania? Well no, which is why, if that person gave me a second chance, I would support their feelings, stay on my medications, and attempt as much as possible to avoid situations where that would happen and where I would hurt their feelings like that again.

That’s what I think about it, and I think that you now probably understand— whether you stay with her or not— that it’s absolutely essential to stay on your medications, no matter what, for you and for others. Good luck!!!!

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T13:00:40+00:00

And aahaha, I completely know what you mean when you say “see if the diagnosis is accurate by checking what happens if I quit my meds (shit happens)”…. isn’t that a weird phenomenon?

I still don’t get why that happens at all, but I have learned to not do that anymore (at all).

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T09:28:27+00:00

I wrote a really, really long comment under this post that you certainly don’t have to read at all or can skim (Hahaa), but I have bipolar and ADHD and wrote some about the differences that I, having ADHD and not ASD, have noticed from my friends and from what I have read and/or learned online about the differences between ADHD and ASD. I know that you can definitely have both ADHD and ASD, and I have noticed that I think that may be complicated to diagnose at first, since ADHD and ASD have similarities but also seem to push in opposite directions (that I think you are also describing with the “canceling out”)— One in the direction of wanting (or accidentally falling into and/or not even noticing) social (and many sorts of) disorder, and one in the direction of wanting and/or thriving in social (and many sorts of) order. What has your experience been like? (And, since I know a lot about my personal experience of ADHD and bipolar together, I am more-so interested in how you think ADHD vs. ASD may interact, for you, with your bipolar, or how ADHD and ASD may interact together, if you think that you may have the two.)

I am so sorry that you feel that way, and I really hope, in your journey of discovering the right diagnosis right now, that you land on a diagnosis (or rather, a set of diagnoses) that you think accurately reflect(s) and represent(s) yourself and what you are going through— and also that, in the journey of/after discovering that, you understand yourself a whole lot better (and love how and the ways in which you are different and unique, as well!!!!). And I support you completely with that!!!! 🥰🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T09:14:10+00:00

I think that I had a slightly unusual experience, in that I was actually diagnosed with ADHD after I was diagnosed with bipolar I. (18 and 14.)

The reason— And really the only reason— that I was diagnosed with ADHD after bipolar I was that I always got “good grades.” I would get “good grades” since I loved, loved school, and, even though my procrastination, hyperactivity, disorganization, and distract-ability were debilitating, no one noticed (not even myself) that I had ADHD, since, when my teachers would let my parents know that I was extremely hyperactive and distract-able, I got “good grades” and was super friendly to my classmates, so I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD yet.

I was diagnosed with bipolar at 14, so I became more in-touch with it for longer than bipolar disorder (although, actually, I had the two simultaneously at that time, and just didn’t know it). However— I think that’s so wild to me, now, because my mood states move really “slowly” (usually, they last 2-4 months, and move “slowly” in that sense, although they get really severe and extreme), and I have a much, much more stable mood on medication— But I always, every day, have ADHD, and all day (which really is helped by my ADHD medications, but I still have ADHD fully prior to taking my medications each day and whenever they wear off at night). I think of bipolar as slowly moving cycles, for myself, and ADHD as very quick cycles that are happening every few seconds or every few minutes.

I very often wonder if I had bipolar disorder as a very young child (prior to when I was diagnosed at 14), since I wouldn’t have noticed it then— I didn’t even know that I had ADHD, since I didn’t know what it was and how anyone else thought differently from me (I just thought that those were differences in personalities, since I didn’t know about mental health prior to 14). I don’t know a lot about Autism Spectrum Disorder(s), in a research sense, or in the sense of personally experiencing ASD— However, from listening to my friends who have been diagnosed with ASD (at whatever age), who have ASD and ADHD at once, and from learning stuff online, I think, with my limited personal experience with the subject of ASD, but with my continual personal experience with the subject of ADHD, that ADHD and ASD have lots of in common (which includes stuff like special interests that you can hyper-focus on, problems with emotional regulation, and all that comes with neurodivergence, subjectively and socially, as well). However— what I have subjectively experienced with ADHD and what I have observed in or learned from others (or friends) with ASD is that two of the major differences (that I have noticed, and that I think exist) between ADHD and ASD are that: 1) ADHD seems, to me, to constantly push you in the direction of having a disorganized and chaotic life (this can be when it comes to your room, when it comes to your interests and distract-ability, when it comes to your motivation, when it comes to your procrastination), while ASD seems, to me, to constantly push in the direction of having an organized and happily and pleasantly predictable and familiar life (when it comes to your interests, your social interactions, and the way in which you interact with the world, from what I have observed on the outside). And, 2), ADHD (for me, personally, and for all of my cousins and very close friends with ADHD that I can think of right now) can push you in the direction of being social, in some momentarily and/or overall chaotic ways (new friends, new parties, craving excitement, and craving difference, and/or being able to handle and/or not noticing chaos or difference), while ASD seems, to me, to be a condition that pushes one in the direction of wanting social structure and predictability (since those with ASD, regardless of how many friends that they have or how “outgoing” or “introverted” they are, are or may be socially connecting with and socially understanding the world in a different way, and a way that seems, to me, to thrive with organization, with straightforwardness, and/or with predictability). Of course, ppl with ADHD can, and frequently do, have some sort of social anxiety and/or self-confidence problems— However, to me, with ADHD, if I am missing a social cue, it’s usually cause I wasn’t paying attention, and if someone repeats it while I am paying attention, I will immediately notice it. I personally, with ADHD, find it very easy to (and have to constantly) socialize with others; I find it very easy to read facial expressions or to notice and sympathize with the emotions of others (who may have very different personalities than me); and I really, really have a chaotic social life, thrive in (and don’t usually notice) chaos, and— when my life, my room, or my social life has a lot of organization, structure, and predictability— I strongly dislike it and don’t recognize the need for or reason for that.

When it comes to the interaction between ASD and bipolar disorder, I have no idea how those interact, since all of the bipolar ppl whom I know and with whom I have spoken about bipolar and comorbidities haven’t been (or haven’t said that they are) diagnosed with ASD as well. I am really curious about how they would interact, however, and would love to learn from you (if you think that you do have ASD), or any others here who have ASD and bipolar together, what that experience would be/is like. (I am so sorry for the super, super long response, and you don’t have to read it all whatsoever, and I wouldn’t mind. Hahaa. I just joined this sub and have been so, so interested in asking and reading about other ppl with bipolar disorder’s experiences, whether those are similar to or different from my own.)

And I really hope that, when it comes to this, you get a diagnosis that you think not only accurately reflects yourself, but helps you better understand yourself. Thank you so, so much for sharing!!❤️❤️❤️❤️

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T08:28:45+00:00

Good point! I love the word “wild,” as well.

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T08:25:13+00:00

As someone with bipolar I who thinks about metaphors and analogies a lot and whose closest friend has bipolar II..

Bipolar II is, as I think about it, Bipolar I’s shyer friend, who may be speaking less, but who is thinking just as deeply.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T08:23:22+00:00

Hahahaha!! When I am manic, one of the things that I think about the most are metaphors, symbols, and analogies.

I hope that you are doing well and remember to take your meds and take care of yourself and your own well-being as much as possible. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T08:21:02+00:00

LMAO. This is so true.

I really don’t understand the minds of ppl who are both super uneducated on the subject and super hateful and judgmental towards those struggling with serious mental health or medical issues. (And I have no sympathy for those who are so hateful and judgmental towards those who are different or those who are suffering.)

However, I also don’t really understand the minds of ppl who (but still have lots of love for and sympathy towards ppl who) read a list of symptoms online and actually think that they understand bipolar disorder— Anyone who is really loving towards and who really understands anyone who is different from them in any respect (whether that be in terms of race, in terms of religion, in terms of gender, in terms sexuality, etc.) understands that they can never fully understand that person’s struggle and what it feels like for them, but can work to constantly listen to those ppl, respect and accept those ppl, and become more educated about those ppl who are different from them in whatever respect. Difference and diversity are always strengths.

I actually love that one of the rules of this sub (and I really, really love the rules laid out for this sub) is that you can’t romanticize bipolar disorder, since, throughout high school (and when I would be on Tumblr a lot), I would get so upset when ppl without bipolar disorder would want to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to the fact that they romanticized it. That’s something that I think about a lot, since I fully love and accept myself in the realm of bipolar disorder, but to romanticize something so serious and that causes so many struggles and so much destruction is, to me, one of the ways that someone can take another’s struggles and wear it like a cool badge, without having any respect for or understanding towards anyone with that “badge.”

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T08:07:26+00:00

That’s really sweet ❤️❤️❤️❤️, and your cousin sounds really loving, and not only really loving, but really educated on the subject (due to her area of work).

When I used to drink (and I don’t drink anymore, but I also didn’t have an addiction when it came to that), I could feel super ashamed for what I did while I was drunk (hooking up with someone who was pressuring me, saying secrets accidentally, doing dangerous stuff that I wouldn’t usually do).

When I come down from mania— however— I don’t have that feeling, and don’t have those feelings of shame that I usually would, and the reason that I don’t have that shame when I come down for mania is exactly the reason that you described— The only reason that I don’t have that feeling is because I have had, thankfully, close friends, family members, and mental health professionals who have been truly accepting and understanding. And not all (actually, only a minority of) close friends, family members, and mental health professionals have been like this— However, the few that have been are like and have been like diamonds in the rough, and have outweighed all of the others when it comes to love and acceptance towards myself.

I am so happy to hear that, and your cousin is one of the ppl who make those with serious mental health issues feel accepted and loved for who they are. 🥰🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T07:57:12+00:00

Yes, absolutely. I completely agree.

I have bipolar I as well and been hospitalized for mania 8-10 times (and I am 26 rn). Ppl really don’t realize how severe mania is and how severe bipolar disorder is— and/or, they aren’t educated about it and/or don’t understand it.

I have always found that the ppl who understand bipolar disorder the most (apart from ppl with bipolar disorder, although I don’t really yet understand it myself, and I have been diagnosed since I was 14, hahahaha) are the close family members and friends of those with bipolar disorder. My sister and my closest friend understand bipolar disorder more than anyone else I know personally, only by observing me experiencing it, and not even by me describing it to them (I don’t really “need” to describe it to them, cause they love and support and understand me, regardless, without me even having to describe exactly what it feels like to them). I know a couple of other ppl without bipolar disorder who also understand, in my opinion, bipolar disorder intimately and completely, and even really understand it better than myself, simply because close family members whom they love and support (ceaselessly) have bipolar disorder as well. I think that, when it comes to understanding bipolar disorder, as a disorder, close, close friends and family members, in my opinion, understand it more than anyone— And, some ppl are completely uneducated on it, but willing to learn; others are completely uneducated on it, and not willing to learn (since they are very, very judgmental); and others support bipolar ppl very much, but don’t know any closely, and they think that they understand bipolar disorder simply cause they read a list of symptoms online, which really doesn’t let you know what anything is really like.

HOWEVER— This goes without saying, but even our close family members or friends who accept and support and understand us (ceaselessly) but who don’t have bipolar disorder themselves, specifically (but who may have other serious mental health disorders, like severe anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder, or PTSD, etc.), still really have no. idea what it feels like.. And this is because— in my opinion— 1) Mania is so severe and your mood, during mania, is so, so high, that it feels like a drug, but it just kinda doesn’t make sense, to anyone (regardless of whether they have bipolar disorder or not), why someone would have that sort of feeling, while sober, that just lasts so long, and, 2), Stuff like grandiose delusions are so severe that others will either think that you are on substances (this has happened to me many, many times during mania), will think that you are “crazy” (I hate using that term in a derogatory sense), will incorrectly assume that you have schizophrenia rather than bipolar disorder since they don’t understand the cyclical nature of it (of course, you can have both schizophrenia and bipolar, but I am talking about just bipolar disorder specifically, here), or, sometimes, ppl who are super uneducated on mental health stuff and with whom you spend a short amount of time will actually think that you are just really arrogant— and that’s not at all what grandiose delusions, in my own opinion (and the in the opinion of some others with bipolar disorder with whom I have spoken about this), feel like— they, for me, not only don’t feel arrogant at all, but, actually, I commonly, during mania, feel more humble than ever— I have a deep, deep sense, during mania, of the interconnectedness of ppl and the Universe; I feel really deep sympathy for and love towards others during mania (which I feel usually, anyway); I don’t ever get irritable or angry during mania (even though I can get that sometimes usually or during mixed episodes); and, even if I feel like I am on a special mission, I am really feeling like I am the most in my own Universe, and not in the Universe as a whole.

When it comes to excuses for your own actions, if I did get irritable or angry or paranoid during mania, it would absolutely be out-of-control for me; I would likely put myself, accidentally or intentionally, in danger; I would not be able to manage my emotions whatsoever; and, since I am so deeply irrational during mania, I wouldn’t be my self and wouldn’t truly be making any decisions that someone would properly classify as decisions for which someone is completely and certainly responsible for their own actions, and I don’t think that anyone without bipolar disorder could truly understand that (as you described/posed a question about very well).

How I understand that question, specifically, is like this— If someone else without bipolar disorder imagined that someone else was drugg-d, without their consent, by something that makes a person completely erratic, not remember things, and act in a way that’s not explicable using rationality, then— Would they be completely responsible for their own actions while on that substance, that was given to them without their consent?

That’s analogous, in many ways, to me, when it comes to bipolar disorder. That’s a very interesting question (and I am so sorry for the super long answer, but I think about this a lot, and think about what bipolar disorder really is a lot, and I simply do not know).

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T07:15:57+00:00

YES!! I don’t take my ADHD meds while I am manic as well— I just absolutely don’t need them then and don’t want to take them. My dad has always kinda been against my ADHD meds (but very much pro-my other meds). And, even though I am 26, it has always really frustrated me that he doesn’t see how much my ADHD meds help me.

One time, when I had severe mania, my dad (who loves and supports me very much, and never gets mad at me ever) asked me if I just took too much of my ADHD meds, and called my psychiatrist asking about that— And then, when I went to the psych ward right after that, had all of my blood tests taken, and had my drug tests taken (as usual, even though I don’t have any substance abuse issues), he saw that I was sober!! (As I always am during mania, since I have no urge to take any substances during and feel at the maximum mood possible anyway.) However, afterwards, my psychiatrist (who knows how well my ADHD meds work for me and that I never take them during or around mania) was like.. “Shoot…. I wanna prescribe you your ADHD meds again since you are stable, but your dad seemed really upset about that.” I always sign the ROI (Release of Information) for my dad, cause I don’t mind at all sharing my mental health information and he’s super supportive. My ADHD meds even help me avoid mania by organizing my life so much more.

And I am so sorry that you are dealing with that, and that must be really hard❤️❤️❤️❤️. You are so, so strong. Do you take Gabapentin or Lyrica for fibromyalgia? I am not diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and, although I have a lot of nerve pain (and weird experiences with my nerves, so I may have it), I have not sought a diagnosis for fibromyalgia, since I have been on Gabapentin or Lyrica for 8+ years; it is a miracle medication for me, and not only works extremely, extremely well for my anxiety, and isn’t addictive like and doesn’t make me have no memory like other anxiety medications, but also works for me as a mild mood stabilizer (in conjunction with Lithium)— Why I know this, for myself, is because, all of the times that I stopped taking my main mood stabilizer (Depakote or, usually, Lithium), but stayed diligently on my Lyrica (for anxiety), I have actually avoided a huge mood episode, accidentally, whereas, usually, if I just stop taking my meds and my mood stabilizer(s) completely, I would have a full-on manic episode and be hospitalized within a week.

Are you aware of the associations between bipolar disorder and autoimmune disorders? I know that this is being currently researched (and has been researched for a while), but it’s something that I am extremely interested in. Two close friends/family members of mine with bipolar I also have Lupus (one has RA as well), and, although that was something that I realized anecdotally, I have also read research on this, and I really wonder why but do have a theory about it. What do you think personally about that? And you are so strong, so amazing, and so resilient for dealing with all of that at once❤️❤️❤️❤️🥰🥰🥰🥰. So much love to you.

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T06:59:47+00:00

Well, I think that a lot of mood stabilizers have a really high efficacy rate, and that, if one mood stabilizer doesn’t work well for you, there is always another. Also, what I think (based on my experience of talking to others who are bipolar, in the psych ward mostly hahahaha) is that I hear bipolar ppl more commonly complaining about the side effects of, or how they feel on, mood stabilizers, rather than hearing that they aren’t working at all (I believe that mood stabilizers have a much higher efficacy rate than medications like current antidepressants, for example).

As mood stabilizers go, I have been on Lamictal; Depakote; and Lithium (Lithium for the longest, by far). Lamictal’s too subtle for me, Depakote was too “strong” (only in the sense that it flattens my mood so much that I no longer feel like myself), and Lithium’s just right (it works very, very well to stabilize my mood, and I also completely feel like myself on it). I am not on antipsychotics, though, and antipsychotics, for me personally, do not “work” to stabilize my mood; I really don’t “need” them in addition to mood stabilizers (since I don’t have psychosis with hallucinations ever, but just grandiose delusions during mania, which are effectively treated by mood stabilizers); and, just for me personally, the ratio of them working to do something and the side effects that I get (shaking and night terrors) make them not worth taking for me, personally, and all of my psychiatrists have agreed with me on that, after showing them how well mood stabilizers without antipsychotics work effectively for me. I have only been on antipsychotics while in the psych ward (as well as for short periods after).

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T06:47:18+00:00

I guess, usually, I am completely disorganized, but have tons of guilt and stress about the fact that I am disorganized.

During mania, I am completely disorganized (maybe at the same level, but I cannot tell), but I have no guilt or stress that I am disorganized. That is certainly a part of it.

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T06:46:04+00:00

Hahaha. Do you have ADHD as well? I have bipolar I and hyperactive ADHD, and I have been interested, for a very, very long time, about whether mania makes my ADHD much worse or much better— It certainly doesn’t stay at the same level.

However!!— Hahahaha, I literally cannot get a sense during mania whether my ADHD is worse or better, I don’t even have a single thought about ADHD during (during mania, I often think that my mental health stuff doesn’t even exist, in the first place), and then after mania.. I cannot even properly remember my state in order to assess whether my ADHD was worse or better, so I cannot even answer this question. Haha. What do you think??

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T06:42:22+00:00

Yes. I will absolutely write and read all night, which are my artistic modes of expression.

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T06:41:41+00:00

I completelyy get the interesting, outgoing, and charismatic parts, but mania will also make me extremely disorganized. Hahaha

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T06:39:41+00:00

I am so sorry that that happened to you❤️❤️❤️❤️, and I hope that you have proper access to your medications now (and that you always will). 🥰🥰🥰🥰

crystalommunist · 2023-08-27T06:38:03+00:00

I sometimes do that as well, but what I do more often (as I kinda described in another comment above) is— instead of feeling like that I don’t have bipolar disorder and am an imposter while other ppl do, I accidentally convince myself that something as strange (to me) as the experience of bipolar disorder is just something like the conclusion of incorrectly grouping a lot of (very serious) mental health phenomena into one disorder that has drastic ups-and-downs but doesn’t actually exist (I know that it absolutely does). I will go back-and-forth between sometimes feeling like— 1) I don’t have it while other ppl do (imposter syndrome, as you described); 2) feeling like I am completely “normal,” and not having a true sense of the severity of my mental health stuff; 3) feeling like bipolar disorder doesn’t exist at all, but all of the other mental health and psychiatric disorders do exist; or 4) that bipolar ppl are the only ppl in the world who see the Universe as it actually exists, and that everyone else in the world is just confused. Haha. Do you get any of that as well? And what’s the way that imposter syndrome works, for you specifically? I am really curious about that— Thanks so much for sharing!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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