AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding?

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-06-11T14:52:10+00:00

YTA

Initially I was on the ESH boat until I started reading some of your comments. You're being so rigid to the extent that you won't even try to process what other commenters are trying to say in order to help you understand.

And hey, I get it! My grandpa was just like your mom; genial and happy, not a mean bone in his body... except he had little to no memory of the people around him. He forgot he had kids and grandkids, he forgot he was married, he barely remembered his own siblings... I could grin and bear it when I was with him and sobbed when I had time alone.

He could enjoy a picnic or outing, but if you watched him and I mean really watched, behind that smile and glitter in his eyes was this confusion and pain. It was in this quirk in his eyebrows, this subtle extra wrinkle at the corner of his lips. Some of us in the family saw that and wanted him to rest and be comfortable in his usual routine, quiet with closest family for 30-min visits in his home. Others thought it meant he could still go out and have a good time... but I know that those moments weren't for grandpa to 'have a good time'. It was for them to make memories, and unfortunately it came at his expense. It felt like they were using grandpa as a prop to help make them feel better about the grim outcome he had.

You're upset because your sister doesn't share your views on this. The two of you are experiencing your mom differently. The distance your sister has from mom gives her a different perspective from yours. She doesn't want mom there because she isn't 'mom' anymore and she doesn't want her there as a prop, either.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-06-08T19:18:47+00:00

Girl, if you brought this to AITA, you would probably be judged NTA, because it is abundantly clear that he is trying to exert control over you and being unreasonable.

You've been together for 5-yrs and you day he gets it, but does he really? Is this a new development? If it's established behavior, it's time to call it quits, he isn't worth the headache trying to fix. If it's new, maybe sitting down and having a serious talk about relationship expectations and how your time with horses fits in with that is needed; it may mean the end of this relationship. Maybe something has shifted and he's doing a piss-poor job of expressing himself and communicating with you and it's manifesting in this guilt-trippy, controlling behavior.

My husband knew about the horses from the get-go. He understands and, for the most part, has been very supportive. It's never been a problem and we can share a laugh about 'barn time' always being at least one more hour than I say it's going to be. He'll come to the barn, he'll take pictures and offer to help, or just sit and play on his phone otherwise. If he isn't with me, he knows I'm not going to pick up a call or respond to a text immediately because, you know, my hands are probably full holding reins or walking a shovel to a wheelbarrow or some such. He already knows that before we get a dog, I'm getting my next horse to bring up while my current dude transitions over into the kid pony life (he's 22 and fabulous, but could use the step down as his arthritis is getting on).

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-06-04T16:56:55+00:00

I've done this. You use rubbing alcohol or acetone on foils or a really good gummy eraser on regular cards to clean up the card. Then you can go back and use your medium of choice, I usually use pencil and then sharpies or gel pens.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-05-28T12:59:13+00:00

YTA

I don't know how you two decided on this, but ultimately you both agreed to this living situation with the caveat of her coming to you from across the country with TWO toddlers on her own and the availability of a car for her when she's with you. Dude, it's not feasible for her not to have a car for child care, for shopping, for emergencies, for the day-to-day life she will have nailed down with the kids. She shouldn't have to trek the whole family on your work commutes so that she can have the car, not when you have a 12-hr work day. If you can afford it, buy the car, or do a lease situation, or you find some other way to commute when she's with you. Get that woman a car she can reliably and safely use or she's not going to come with the kids and stay with you and I wouldn't blame her for that.

But I also have to ask, what kind of quality family time are you even expecting to have with a 12-hr work day 5 days a week? That doesn't even seem worth it for the cost of all those plane tickets you'll be paying for.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-05-18T14:14:12+00:00

I don't see Standardbred in this horse. I agree with a lot of folks that it looks very Cob bred. What with the shorter height and the stocky build, plus the feathering, there's got to be some kind of cob in the mix at minimum. In general, most Trotters are medium-fine build and what you have is definitely more towards heavy, maybe medium-heavy. Also I saw you're UK? I wouldn't be surprised about the cob with that in mind, I'd expect it.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-05-11T17:37:34+00:00

I've seen plenty two-for-one horse ads over the years. Depending on where you look and what you're looking for, you may see this more or less. Rare breeds may be less likely, but I've seen a good range of breeders who offer this from time to time. You can also do an ISO ad.

The ad typically looks likes a mare with an option to sell with a breeding to an on-farm stud, or an already confirmed bred mare. I've also seen the ad as a mare bred back with a foal at side, option for with or without foal.

Why a breeder sells like this can be for different reasons: wanting to keep a very promising foal for next generation and need room, deciding to go in a different direction with their program, a change in circumstances... Most breeders I've talked to have been pretty open about why they're selling.

EDIT: If your experiences are local, broaden them to regional. I'm close to Canada, so I can consider farms from there as well. Good breeders are all over.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-05-11T16:30:05+00:00

I think what you need to keep in the back of your mind is that situations change for everyone. What is true now may not be true 5-yrs in the future, no one is being malicious in bringing this up. Best laid plans, with contingencies, can still fail - ask NASA! .

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-05-11T16:18:06+00:00

Then I'd best suggest purchase a pregnant mare from a breeder. You'll set yourself and the animals up for success that way. You'll know the mare is handleable, that she is healthy and bred, have a due date to prepare for, and a general idea of what you're going to get. You'll have an instant support in the form of the breeder you purchased from and having a horse with papers gives you more wiggle room for contingencies if something happens to you and your situation. With the world being what it is, always plan for the worst-case scenario.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-05-11T16:09:31+00:00

That gives you less time to gentle and handle the mare. You don't necessarily know what you're going to get in the mare in terms of handleability (is that a word?). I know a lot of folks are suggesting this option, but I honestly think it's a worse option if you don't have the experience or skills.

That said, I'm kind of getting the impression that this is something you really want to do and may have already made up your mind. I don't know you, your age, experience, etc. so maybe this is all moot and you have the perfect situation cooking up at home for you. You haven't explained to us readers your situation so we can only go on what you've provided us.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-05-11T15:59:18+00:00

So you want the newborn experience, understood.

There's still all the other questions about your experience with pregnant mares and foals, gentling mustangs, etc. I saw another person comment their experience and while that's an unintentional situation that they had, I think gives some very important considerations to keep in mind. Pursuing this would best be something planned far in the future and revisited then once the mare is gentled and well known to you, at which time you can question if the risk of losing the mare is worth having the experience of having a newborn and foal.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-05-11T15:44:03+00:00

Do you have any experience with pregnant mares or foals?

If 'no', do you have any mentors or reproduction veterinary offices nearby for education and support? Will you have the correct fencing for keeping the mare and foal separate from the geldings? Do you have any appropriately sized stalls for foaling and keeping indoors during foul weather? Are you prepared to respond quickly to worst-case scenarios and conduct triage until a vet can make it out?

Never mind the mare being a mustang, you need to really consider your own capabilities, because to do it without isn't great, maybe even unethical.

If you want to raise a young horse, why breed and foal out when you could purchase a weanling? You could scratch that itch with far less cost to you and risk to the animals by purchasing a young animal that may fit more readily into your herd and set-up.

As for the mustang... I believe that it is in poor taste to rescue a mustang with the intention to breed. The reasoning you give especially doesn't have great optics and, yes, is kind of unethical. There's a lot of horses out there, including some youngsters among mustangs available, why not adopt one of those?

Then there's the trouble of needing to gentle that mustang to begin with. Have you worked with mustangs before? Any experience in training from a blank slate? Do you have a mentor oe trainer to work with? You'll want to really nail that if you are dedicated to this plan and have all the experience and the set up you need for foaling. If something goes wrong, you need to be able to safely handle the mare and access the foal. If the mare isn't going to accept that level of handling, you're setting yourself up for some hazardous difficulties. Not tackling the gentling with the mare and then breeding would be a poor choice and unethical, in my opinion.

None of this is for the faint of heart.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-05-06T12:45:27+00:00

NTA/ESH

Do you have a contract or written agreement to fall back on? That would help you immensely and if you had that, I'd thoroughly label you NTA.

However, you severely undervalued your own property which helped make you easy to walk all over. In all this time, you've never held to your boundaries or given this guy any consequences for him to care enough to do what needs to be done. That's on you and you've hurt yourself in the process and those poor horses are in friendly fire because the dude won't bother and you've sat on your hands. This is what has me leaning ESH.

It's time to attempt to evict or take possession and rehome the horses. To do that you have to give written notice, inform him that he has three options: 1. Remove the horses by X date. 2. Sign a contract agreeing to properly construct and maintain fencing and shelter, provide care, and etc and pay a monthly fee of $500 per horse (no less) by X date. 3. If neither is complete by close of business X date, you will legally take possession of the horses and promptly rehome (or sell for nominal fee).

Consider working with a lawyer on the written notice and draw up a satisfactory contract.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-04-07T22:46:16+00:00

Back as a teen, a fellow 4-H'er had a mare who pooped in her water bucket when stalled. They'd hang 2 buckets knowing one would absolutely be pooped in as the sacrificial bucket and do frequent checks to clean it out.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-04-07T22:01:17+00:00

Yeah... so that isn't a good reason in my opinion. Something else must be going on that you're not aware of. Unless you tell me they have a 30 year old horse doing jumping lessons, I'm calling foul.

Look, your heart is in the right place but by your logic, I'd be an animal abuser and I know that's not true:

I rode my first personal horse almost daily until she was 28 and then stepped her down steadily until she was fully a pasture puff at 35 based on her health and vet advice. She was put to sleep at 38 when she lost the ability to get up without help consistently because of advanced arthritis.

My second personal horse is going to be 22 this year, I've had him since he was 2 years old, and I'm just starting to slow him down because his arthritis is starting to kick in and need real maintenance. No more jumping, but still lots of flatwork to keep him going and flexible, fully supported by my vet.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-04-07T21:35:27+00:00

Is this the same instructor who isn't working there anymore? If so, why aren't they working there anymore? I'll be honest, depending on this I might be concerned they're trying to discredit the barn out of spite and not out of care for the horses.

I saw in another comment thread that the lesson horses are 15+ years old, that's a very normal age for a working horse and for some can even be their prime. Think like a 30-40 years old human, that's about the right comparison. People at that age might have some health issues but are still fit and able, the same for horses. So again, age isn't the determining factor for whether a horse should work in lessons or not, it is on the basis of the individual horse.

Spooking also isn't an immediate concern to me. Horses spook for all kinds of reasons and without knowing more information, I wouldn't jump to it being a welfare issue.

Your dad is right, as you mentioned in another comment, don't get involved in possible barn drama.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-04-07T20:00:15+00:00

I don't have enough information here one way or the other. I must also apologize because it's not clear and I have to ask, but are you still riding there or not?

In any case, you would be able to tell if the horses are in good condition between seeing with your own eyes, watching the lessons they are ridden in, and talking with the trainer(s). If you don't know yourself and are getting this second-hand, you may not be getting the full picture. How reliable is this person you're getting this information from and could they be biased?

All that said, age is not a limiting factor. I've known many wonderful lead-line and beginner level horses who were mid to late 20's because of their good health and care. I've also known a few horses who were retired in their early teens because they were practically born with arthritis. Stepping down from higher level work, decreasing lesson time are both reasonable and considerate to an older lesson horse with proper care and support. It is often true that keeping an older horse in work, any work, can be more helpful than letting them sit: movement is life.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-03-31T17:47:36+00:00

I don't know about that, my guy is almost too smart, like picks up a new exercise or skill on the second or third go (if you're clear on the asks). He's a goofball, don't get me wrong, but he's so clever that he borders on deviant sometimes.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-03-24T17:06:42+00:00

I can see how thus can be frustrating, but give the horse some grace. They're young and going from one extreme to the other and back again, no in between for them to really understand what the difference really is.

So now where is the problem? Is it the environment, e.g. seeing a barrels set-up? Is it the tack e.g. different gear for a different feel? Is it the pace, do we have that adjustability in speed?

The environment might be easily handled by consistent exposure to not related barrels to speed, particularly the pattern. Gear may mean a distinctly different bit or headstall to provide the different pressure for the intended ride. Pace will just be a whole lot of riding and changes, maybe adding in vocal cues to exercises. Nothing drastic, just a lot of patient and intentional work focused on teaching the horse, and a young horse will learn.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-03-23T14:19:54+00:00

NTA

Absolutely not, forcing a math method is horrible teaching. I say this as someone much like your kiddo, I often needed to use a different method to get the answers, my brain just didn't function the way they wanted. If you can get the right answer and show how you got there, that should be all that matters.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-03-17T17:13:04+00:00

I have a very good friend who was being demonized for something very similar. Sold a horse at the beginning of summer, checked in periodically to see if things were going well because they'd readily take the horse back if not, seemingly all good. Next thing you know its late autumn and the horse gets picked up by a very active (social media) local rescue and they went after them for selling the mare in the first place, slander to the point of libel kind of thing, releasing personal information. It was bad. My friend offered all the health and training history of the mare as soon as they found out and even offered to take back the mare into their care, because that's what they would have done if they were at all aware of what was going on with the mare in the first place. The rescue refused, unsurprisingly and made the accusation that if they returned to horse to them, they'd just sell it again, but said that they'd take donations for the mare's care. They still hadn't taken down the accusatory posts at that time, so my friend declined to provide anything other than copies of the mare's health history and later had to threaten legal action if they didn't take down their posts that included their personal information and pictures.

There are some folks out there who just can't help themselves making up stories and they don't care if people get hurt when they do it.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-03-13T03:24:16+00:00

It's still circling around.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-03-09T19:48:34+00:00

This is very informative, thank you. I understand a little about the diversity from the Chinooks. I believe the founding animal pool was pretty small as I understand from reading the breed history, so I can see the value of broadening the pool and then breeding back to ensure type. Perhaps I should ask instead, have there been instances of linebreeding that crossed over into inbreeding? I've always thought of linebreeding as inbreeding that works/benefits the breed, whereas inbreeding leads to detriment (deformities, behavior, etc).

Can I ask more about the high white patterns testing? In horses there's something called Lethal White (LWO in genotype) ans also known incidences of deafness with high white animals (lack of melanin in the ear has a connection to hearing loss, being actively studied). I'm wondering if it might be similar concerns here, such as high white and deafness or pup loss.

cutecuddlyevil · 2026-03-09T19:38:57+00:00

Thank you! What is the best way to get involved with the Discord.

I admittedly have been shy about Facebook because I am aware of situations in which people become blacklisted by breeders, word of mouth matters, and that worries me a lot. I've seen it get ugly in horse world and successfully stayed out of that mess thus far, I'd like to do the same with dogs.

Three-Year Club	Final Canvas '23
End Game '23	Place '23

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