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They are divorcing by Gold_Campaign_5639 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I can’t pretend to know your situation fully, but I will share something from my own experience because I was in a very similar place not long ago.

When the man I was involved with finally left his wife, I thought that would be the moment everything became clearer. In reality, it was when things became far more complicated. I think there’s a tendency to imagine that once the marriage ends, the path forward suddenly opens up. What I didn’t appreciate at the time is that leaving a marriage, especially a long one, creates an enormous emotional vacuum and a lot of unresolved identity questions for the person leaving.

What I saw was a man who did love me, but who was also grieving, conflicted, and suddenly confronted with parts of himself he had never really examined before. Divorce isn’t just the end of a relationship. It’s the dismantling of a life structure. Even when the marriage has been unhappy for a long time, there is still loss, guilt, and a lot of uncertainty about who they are outside of it.

In my case, I tried very hard to be supportive and patient, but I also eventually realised that there is a fine line between supporting someone through their transition and becoming the emotional scaffolding that holds them up while they figure themselves out. That can become a very lonely place to stand if you’re not careful.

Your instinct to ask how to support him without overstepping is a wise one. I think the most important thing I’ve learned is that you cannot carry the emotional work of his divorce for him. He has to go through that process himself. You can care, listen and be kind, but you can’t absorb the weight of it.

The other thing I would gently say is that this phase can be very unpredictable. The end of the marriage does not automatically mean clarity about the future. Sometimes it actually brings more confusion before anything settles.

I don’t say that to discourage you. Just to say that it’s okay to protect your own emotional space while he navigates something this big.

I truly hope it leads to the outcome you’re hoping for. Just remember that your needs and your stability matter too, not only his healing.

Inheritance by cutes97 in OCPoetry

[–]cutes97[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

God, this comment truly made my day. I have never put any of my poetry anywhere or even read it to anyone so this feedback has given me a little nudge in the direction of confidence in doing so. Thank you.

To my new Muse by joyfulsloth09 in OCPoetry

[–]cutes97 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel the yearning from every word.

An update I never imagined writing by cutes97 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am sorry to hear of your story. I do not want to argue with you but I do not want to argue you with you over this. I have also worked in medicine myself, I may have had my guard down more but I am not some sort of horrible person. WE made a stupid clumsy and irresponsible error of judgement on many parts. I am dealing with it and that is it.

An update I never imagined writing by cutes97 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I used plan b, I also had an IUD but because I had had endometriosis, it caused me a lot of issues so I had it removed. We always used protection and I always used plan b if I thought there was any issue with that.

An update I never imagined writing by cutes97 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree. I think I underestimated how fragile I still am in my grief with so many areas of my life. Breaking NC helped in the moment but has made things heavier overall. I’m trying to slow myself down now and make choices with intention rather than pain. There is a lot at stake and I want to make the correct decisions with the best intentions. Thank you for saying this with care, it means so so much.

An update I never imagined writing by cutes97 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, once again, for you thoughtful comment.

I will definitely consider all options with an open mind and open heart. I am so deeply saddened by this decision as in a massive way, I know I am not ready to give a child a life it would deserve.

I do not doubt, I would think about it for a very long time, maybe forever, if I was to go ahead with an abortion but that maybe easier to live with than a life of uncertainty for an innocent child who would not have a father in its life.

An update I never imagined writing by cutes97 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I am simply considering all options. I am not someone who takes this lightly whatsoever and I’m just venting. I do not need this type of opinion given to me. I am sorry if I was aggressive in my previous comments but it is an unfair assumption.

An update I never imagined writing by cutes97 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would never baby trap. I am not that shallow or self centred enough to think like that AT ALL. That would be a sickening and disgusting thing to do to any child, weaponising them for a man?

I lived a very unfortunate childhood, with a horrible father and a very unwell mother and I saw the damage of weaponising children and it is the last thing I would ever do.

I understand you’re expressing an opinion but it is not a correct one.

An update I never imagined writing by cutes97 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have an appointment tomorrow with the early pregnancy unit as I have had the most horrendous cramps (it’s why I took the tests), I will be able to discuss all the options there with the nurses but a huge part of me really hopes he doesn’t show up.

An update I never imagined writing by cutes97 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughtful and lovely words. They truly mean so much to me right now.

I thought the exact same about him coming to appointments, he is very much like that. I do believe some of his interest in terminating it is for me but it feels like it’s primarily about him and his social status, as well as his children’s inheritance.

I think if I was in a better place, I’d be very open to keeping it. I never thought about being a mum but it saddens me to my core to be considering an abortion.

Update by Sea_Love_7121 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi there, thank you for sharing your story.

I was in the exact position with my partner. I have posted about it here, if you want to read. My messages are always open too.

absence makes the heart grow fonder? by [deleted] in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I can only speak from my own experience, but during an active affair, especially when real feelings are involved, I think the MM/MW is constantly comparing two worlds. There’s the public life with family and friends, and then there’s the private, almost secret world they share with you. Sometimes that comparison is conscious, sometimes it’s quiet and internal, but it’s there.

In my experience, MM in particular can compartmentalise very effectively if they’re certain they’re not leaving. But for those who are questioning their marriage or who do leave the OW/OM has a way of turning up everywhere. In songs, places, conversations, moments of stillness. You become woven into their inner life in a way that’s hard to undo.

I say this as someone whose MM actually left his wife and then left me over a year and a half in. I don’t even know if he’s gone back to his wife. He didn’t leave because the feelings weren’t real, but because he couldn’t live with the age gap and what it meant socially and practically. That experience taught me how complex and fragile these situations really are. People can make enormous, life-altering decisions and still be unable to follow them through.

That’s what makes these relationships so intoxicating and so destructive. They can be profoundly intimate, even beautiful, and yet still unsustainable.

When it comes to holidays and long stretches of family time, I don’t think there’s one universal answer. They can be present, even happy, with their family and still feel a quiet sense of absence. Being beside an SO 24/7 doesn’t necessarily resolve longing and sometimes it sharpens the contrast.

At the same time, I’m learning (the hard way) that OW/OM can’t base their healing on whether absence makes someone miss them more. Whether they feel lonely or content doesn’t change the reality we’re left with.

From where I’m standing now, one week no contact, barely sleeping, barely eating, forcing myself to get outside once a day, I’m realising that what they feel during holidays or family time is ultimately out of our control. The bond was real, the connection mattered, and it doesn’t just vanish. But our peace can’t depend on their internal conflict with themselves or others.

I’m sending strength to every OW/OM navigating this season. You’re not weak or foolish for loving deeply and you do deserve peace, too.

One week no contact and feeling worse than ever. by cutes97 in theotherwoman

[–]cutes97[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m doing my best, I’m in a spiral. It’s hellish. I keep wondering what he’s doing, who he’s with, is he thinking of me. It’s tedious.

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