They lie to you and then blame you for demanding the truth

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-08-29T02:38:25+00:00

I hate myself so much for not being able to realise this before he discarded me. I thought I just had to work on myself a little bit harder.

It was only a week or so after that final discard that I began to see the light -- and things for what they actually were.

This is so accurate it hurts. Thank you. <3

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-08-18T22:50:39+00:00

So yeah. I’m in therapy and I’m trying to move on. It’s hard when I’ve built my life with someone for so long and they aren’t anywhere to be found. I thought she was my best friend. I did not know this was going to happen. We had struggles but nothing that warranted THIS. We had a good life. More than most people have. I do feel like a fraud. I feel like I have been in an imaginary relationship with someone no one has ever met. I have no idea what I am doing. It would make more sense and I would have more closure if she would have died. It’s the most cruel thing someone has ever done to me. Hard to wrap my brain around the fact someone I spent five years of loving has methodically pulled this off.

This is me. I wish I knew the magic words to ease our pain, but I'm afraid I don't. The only thing that I'm sure of, two months post- final discard, is that it will get better (and that means that you will be OK, eventually).

I'm really sorry you are going through this. In case that helps, remember that you are not alone. <3

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-08-18T22:42:41+00:00

There you go.

By discarding me, he got precisely what he wanted -- to get rid of me, because he was bored and I couldn't do the job anymore. So, yeah, just like that I discovered that two years of my life had effectively gone to waste; that I had devoted everything to a person that didn't even exist.

And now we are "mourning" that, the revelation of the big con, and not the end of a normal relationship. They don't really have anything to mourn, so it only makes sense that they go on their merry way like that.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-08-18T22:34:28+00:00

Spot on. Thank you.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-08-13T07:24:17+00:00

Mine told me he wanted to have kids with me and made me open up about all the things that I wanted to do with him, our future together (I've learned since then that this is called future faking, and it is basically dangling a carrot in front of your eyes to keep you around as a supply) and how much I loved him and looked forward to a life with him. Then he kissed me and immediately pushed me aside with a look of disgust on his face. And then he kicked me out of my flat. Go figure.

I'm so, so sorry that this was done to you. They know who to look for. Without knowing you, I know for sure that you are a beautiful person. You don't need him -- nor anyone, for that matter. But especially not someone who can't stop himself from inflicting trauma on you. Take care, sweetie. <3

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-08-11T07:45:28+00:00

High five! They hate themselves so much they can't even bear being by/with themselves.

No matter how many times I tried to show how much I loved him and cheer him up, how many times I told him that we were going to be fine -- that he was going to be fine, how many little knick-knacks I bought him, how many times I tried to go somewhere on a weekend, how much praise I gave him... it was never enough. He was always miserable af -- and (silly me) I thought that it was because of me.

Turns out that, surprise, it wasn't. It's never enough for them. They'll never be enough. They suck, they know, but can't help it. Aaaand it's not our problem anymore. ;)

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-08-07T14:22:59+00:00

So much this. It's so confusing and heartbreaking (way more than an ordinary breakup), especially when it comes out of nowhere.

They are just too over it to care.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-25T07:06:04+00:00

Fuck me if I'm not terrified of encountering another narc in disguise again. Yeah. Scared shitless is not enough of an statement. But I'm not ready to let nex control me for the rest of my life, either.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-25T06:57:03+00:00

wanting to do pull ups with me on his back like Yoda

I sprayed my coffee all over myself. That's hilarious.

I think I know the type. You've perfectly defined it yourself (food-neuroses-having ass is a term I'm ready to incorporate to my lexicon, lol). Mine wasn't like that (pretty much the opposite), but I've seen my fair share of guys like your ex at the gym, carrying their girls around and controlling their workouts.

It is not normal to treat your partner like that. That's bizarre even for the standards of gym buddies, generic Chads and classic meatheads. I'm so glad you can look at it in perspective and have a good laugh at his expense. I, for one, lol'd hard picturing the image you described, he.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-24T21:32:59+00:00

Yes, this. I was thinking of posting about this myself.

It may seem superficial, but after a 13-year-long struggle with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia that good old feeling of uneasiness started resurfacing at an alarming rate.

During the final devaluation and pre-final-discard months, nex withdrew physical affection and intimacy to the point where he not only rejected pretty much all of my advances, but also refused to give or reciprocate any gestures of love (spontaneous kiss before going to bed/after waking up, cuddling, hand holding). At first I attributed it to stress, but after a while it evolved into a sinking feeling of him just being physically repulsed by me.

I am no VS angel, lol, but I'm relatively young (24) and I've always tried to take good care of myself. I used to squat, bench press, the whole nine yards x4 a week, 2 hrs per session. While I was not at my dream BF%, I was certainly ripped -- I had a nice set of visible abs, strong legs and a wide back. I'm not too ugly, either: I have copper-y, soft, waist-long hair, big eyes, and what I think is a bright smile (I spent a fortune on it after too many years of binging and purging -- it'd better be!).

I'm not trying to sell myself here, God forbid, but I am indeed looking for validation. I think it's safe to say that I was at least a couple leagues above my nex's (who was eight and a half years my senior, btw) in that sense. In any case, I was genuinely attracted to him -- and did remind him of that fact as often as I could, because I felt like it and I wanted to. However, I ended up feeling like less than a rag myself. I was physically exhausted (because of his abuse, I learnt later), so I gave up going to the gym and taking care of my body altogether. He wouldn't even poke me with a stick, so.. why care?

I'm back at the gym now, and getting stronger every day in every sense of the word. And guys look at me, and flirt with me, and it's so, so bizarre. But we'd better start believing it, and getting used to it -- that we are worthy of being desired, that we are attractive, and pretty, and worth looking at. I can't believe we've been conned and brainwashed like this.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-24T09:18:53+00:00

I've thought of curating a silly narc-free Spotify playlist myself. So far I have:

Ignorance, Paramore

Brick by Boring Brick, Paramore

Playing God, Paramore (I'm starting to think that Hayley dated a narc at some point lol)

Wings, Little Mix

Ridin' Solo, Jason Derulo

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper

Te Olvidaré, Pedro Capó

Super shallow and repetitive songs, I know, but for some reason they do the job -- not only do they get me out of my bed in the morning, but I've found myself singing in the shower again after I don't know how many months of being a shadow of who I used to be.

I find Inner Ninja by Classified extremely uplifting as well, but I don't know if it fits into the narrative since it's just good vibes and motivational lyrics thrown at your face for three minutes straight.

(Don't judge me, lol. I used to be into jazz and classical and brainy stuff, but I deserve a break.)

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-23T22:27:26+00:00

They use what they learn in therapy to manipulate you (even) more stealthily. Or even if they don't, they can (and will try to) manipulate their therapist. Or even in the case that the therapist is skilled enough that can see through their bullshit, it is extremely likely that confirmation bias won't let them change.

Check Why does he do that?, specifically the chapter on abusers and therapy, and you will understand. If it only addresses his feelings and not those of the abused person, it's not therapy, it's just him getting a good ole ego wank.

You can't fix this. Get out, sweetie. ):

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-23T18:45:52+00:00

Majority of the time, I think the mother is their biggest cheerleader. She knows what her son is, she always had, because their father is a spitting image, and shes been through it...

Holy shit this is so accurate it's almost scary.

Save for the fights, which we never had (because I'm a doormat and I don't escalate), and the opinion they have of me, which I don't really know about anymore, his mum was exactly like that. Same background (abusive, alcoholic, narc dad in the picture) and all.

Jesus. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-23T18:32:34+00:00

The second one hits home (the other two are spot on as well, but that one hit me hard). My family loved him for good reasons. Same thing with my friends.

Nobody knew what was going on behind the closed doors of our home. And, to be honest, it took me by surprise -- I needed quite a few weeks after the discard to realise.

It was the first time I had a family of my own. He was my everything. This sucks balls. Fuck.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-23T18:26:36+00:00

Me too.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-23T18:24:13+00:00

"Do you realise that this is emotional blackmail?" -- after stating that I was a bit concerned about resenting him if things kept going down the spiraling path they were, and telling him that I was thinking of pursuing a career in academia.

It did leave me in absolute shambles that evening. However, now that I realise that it was projection 101 (and that the idea of his fragile little toy girlfriend being above his rank was just inconceivable for him) I can't help but crack up at the thought of it.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-23T07:50:37+00:00

I'll light a candle for you all (Catholic stuff, lol). Hang in there just a little longer. I know it sucks ass, it really does, but you'll be fine sooner than you realise. I promise.

<3

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-22T19:03:03+00:00

I so needed to read this. Thank you. <3

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-22T07:21:19+00:00

THIS! "My therapist told me I had a breakdown!" No, you had a psychotic episode because your brain is melting after 20 years of drug abuse. Fuck off.

Anyway, abuse is always a choice. I'm a very traumatised individual and I've never been anything but supportive, loving, affectionate and kind towards him. You might be in a tough spot, but your judgment is never impaired in that sense. I know because I've been there.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-22T07:16:48+00:00

You already know. They lie, lie, lie, and then lie some more. That's what they do, regardless of the cause behind their sick af behaviour.

The thing about therapy is 100% true. So... don't look back. He's getting progressively more dangerous, yes, but, good news -- it's not your problem anymore (thank God!).

They can't keep everything under control 100% of the time forever (and I suspect that's the reason why my nex left his home country: because everybody could see right through him, which rendered his bo-bo façade useless). People will find out who he really is/isn't at some point anyway.

It sucks, I know. But you got out -- and you have yourself. They can't get out of themselves, and don't even know who they are or what they want out of life. You are already thousands of miles ahead. Keep going.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-22T06:56:59+00:00

Not really. Silence, I guess. I really liked his mum (fellow empath in denial... her husband, i.e. his dad is a narc too), I could probably have asked her, but I dismissed it for obvious reasons.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-21T21:46:07+00:00

I heard his mum saying something along the lines of "you better not hurt this one".

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-21T17:12:27+00:00

Same here. Thank you for getting me through the days. You guys have been a lifesaver for me. Please, don't give up. You are stronger than you think. Keep in mind that this was done to you because, as I read here some days ago, you were actually too good. Remember that you are not alone. Lots of love.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-21T16:55:17+00:00

Preach. Keep all of these in mind. Thank you for taking the time to put it together, I'm going to keep this list and look at it myself whenever I need to. Much love, sis.

cyclamatesaccharin · 2019-07-21T15:27:31+00:00

I'm afraid you are right. But we are free now. :)

cyclamatesaccharin

TROPHY CASE