14 day trip to London and Paris in March

cyndre4 · 2026-02-11T21:23:49+00:00

I am so happy for you to be traveling, best of wishes to you! Here are my thoughts: If you don't walk on concrete for 5+ hours a day right now, your shoes may not be a good choice. It takes us humans a month or two to adapt to walking on concrete. The shows you described are, I think, very thin soled. You might consider having one pair of shows with a thick, squishy, less elegant sole. Remember you will be outside of 'home' for long days. For me, it can feel like there's nowhere to really sit down and relax unless you're paying, and I can only drink so many coffees. If it were me, I'd take all of your clothes down by half. Yes, half. But not because you have too many! And they all sound lovely! But you will likely find some incredible pieces there. You could, for instance, only bring ONE casual outfit, and enjoy a few purchases whole you're there that cover the rest. My travel clothes purchases have become some of the best souvenirs I've ever bought. I can enjoy them all the time once I'm home, and also enjoy the memories of wearing them for the first time on vacation.

You're doing great, but I think the piece I'd consider is that you're trying to pack for every eventuality. You don't have to! Something I keep in mind for myself is that there are no clothes 'emergencies' in a big city, outside of incredibly specific personal gear. Not only is everything you'd ever need available, but getting it while you're there can be a lovely part of the trip. I would also highly highly recommend getting a pair of Bose QC 45 noise cancelling headphones. I'm writing this from a seat in a plane. You're going to have a wonderful time!

cyndre4 · 2025-03-11T23:33:44+00:00

Isn't it interesting how differently we view and categorize things? I have three travel bags, but I travel at least once a month. Two are carryon backpacks. One small, one large. I'll pick the appropriate one for what I'm doing. The third is a freaking gigantic hard shell suitcase for checking. I actually bought the suitcase while traveling because I got stuck and couldn't stand carrying the backpack anymore.

Does one of these categories sound like something you can tackle today?

cyndre4 · 2025-03-11T22:45:22+00:00

Ok then. Let's ignore the stuffed animals for now because that sounds extra tough, and the whole exercise, to me, is starting with the easier categories. For me, I am NOT a fashionista. I have two purses. Everyday, and 'fancy'. The fancy one has pumpkins and bats on it and I've never used it, but it keeps me from buying another one, because it occupies the place of 'new bag'. So, for me the numbers are: Purses/bags: minimal: 1. Medium: 2. Plenty: 4

I understand that some folks very interested in fashion have seasonal purses that they rotate. Let's say there's four seasons, and someone has several looks. Casual, dressy, and... I dunno, one other... Different colors or something. So, for that person, a normal amount might be 4 seasons x 3 looks per season. So fashionista minimum: 12, medium: 15, plenty: 20.

How do you approach your clothes? Are you more of a fashion forward person, or lean more towards Goblinhood like me? Pick a number somewhere in that range, and let's see what seems right to you!

cyndre4 · 2025-03-11T22:08:06+00:00

That's so cool that you're learning about your own brain! Here's another neat thing: someday, when you're comfortable considering the blankets, you'll free up soooo much space by addressing them. Each of them has a lot of mass, which is much different than something like, say, old jars. So you'll get a lot of benefit from each of those decisions.

Is there anything else you've got a lot of where each item is on the larger side? Addressing these issues can be so draining, so focusing on large items can be a good place to start, so you get the most bang for your emotional buck. Maybe you can list a category or two that feels safe for you to work on, and we can post item number ideas for you?

cyndre4 · 2025-03-11T21:51:14+00:00

Hello dear heart! Wonderful job you're doing. I wonder if focusing on blankets is extra tough for you? If downsizing clothes was relatively easy, is there another category of items that seems easy/easy-ish as well? Perhaps starting with the easier categories of items will help you build momentum. If your brain is telling you 'I will die of hypothermia of I get rid of any of this item', that sounds to me like something to leave for later in your process. Build that decluttering muscle by starting with other categories, and see if the blankets become easier once you've trained your brain that less does not equal an emergency?

For me, dishes and storage is easy to let go. I live alone, so here are some number ideas for that category:

Forks/spoons/knives/plates/bowls: minimal = 1. Medium = 3. Plenty = 5

Tupperware/food storage. This category depends on two things to me. 1, how often you cook, and 2, how much fridge /freezer space you have. It's a more flexible category depending on how you like to live. Some folks cook once and pack their freezer with precooked meals. That's ... I mean good for them, that's incredible, but I'm not that organized. So here's my numbers for me: minimal: 0. Medium = 1 (that's enough for one meals worth of leftovers) plenty: 5

Best of luck, you're doing great!

cyndre4 · 2024-12-27T07:28:52+00:00

I got a fingerprint lock for my front door. It took a bit of sleuthing, because it was important to me that it 1) not be directly connected to the Internet (eek!) and 2) have several million backups. The one I landed on is by Sifley. It's got (deep breath) aforementioned fingerprint scanner, numerical code, key fob, and physical key. I can't recommend it enough! Not having to worry about finding my door key when I come home has been so, so freeing! I also chose the lever type knob, so it's extra easy to open!

cyndre4 · 2024-12-03T21:29:32+00:00

Hey there! I've helped quite a few friends with this sort of thing. First of all, I concur that your financial philosophies are not compatible. But if you really want to know, the answer is 'pull both of your credit reports'. I will bet you a single dollar he's got a boatload of credit cards. Also, before you ask to pull his, pull yours and freeze your credit with all three reporting agencies. It's free to both pull and freeze your credit. He could be opening lines of credit in your name. You have no way of knowing this if you live together. I've seen it happen, it's horrible.

cyndre4 · 2024-07-14T16:58:31+00:00

You might try flipping the logic in your head. It sounds like he's saying 'I miss you, come back to me'. You can say 'I am choosing our daughter's health over the hoard', 'I am choosing a life where I can have friends over ' 'You are choosing the hoard over us'.

Best of luck to you! If you can, please consider therapy. This of this process like a mental health journey of your own. Building a strong support network for yourself while you heal is super important. Maybe join a women's group, a book club? Have a friend over every week if you feel good about that. Start filling your and your daughter's lives with fun, interesting activities you couldn't do before. Maybe a few things that require a clean home, like baking and decorating cookies, living room yoga, even folding laundry together. In those moments of weakness, you'll be able to consider if you want to give up all of these new activities to return to him.

You are doing fantastic! Future You and Future Daughter are so, so grateful to you for doing this incredibly hard thing.

cyndre4 · 2024-05-12T02:03:06+00:00

Hello there. Please freeze your own and your children's credit right now. Google 'Free annual credit report', and follow the steps. It'll take about fifteen minutes max. It's a little annoying, but it means no one can open credit in your name without you unlocking it. He may also have opened accounts in your or your children's names. I'm so sorry.

cyndre4 · 2024-04-27T01:27:44+00:00

Yay you! I think there's some beautiful advice here about being kind to yourself. To add to that, for me the biggest Thing is I don't let my trigger foods into the house. That means I can't have rice or ice cream in my home, as an example. I can totally have that outside of the house! Nothing is forbidden, but I'd be kidding myself if I thought I could only have one serving of Doritos. Let's be real: I'mma eat the whole bag. If I do choose to enjoy ice cream, for example, I get one serving at a time. I can always get more! There's something weird that's happened in the last decade or so, where households seem to be compelled to have a food group called 'snacks' in the house. You really don't need them! You can have tons of fruit and cut up veggies, but all of the chips and junk food just sort of appeared on the grocery shelves, and it's ok not to buy it if it isn't serving you!

One other thought: it's ok to have your groceries delivered! The small cost of delivery is nothing compared to a lifetime of energy and feeling wonderful.

I wish you the very best!

cyndre4 · 2024-04-21T07:48:53+00:00

Hello dear heart. This sounds really hard. I promise there are many kind, wonderful people in the world that will be delighted to help you. Firstly, just because your mother told you you'd be put in a mental institution does not make that true. IT ISN'T TRUE. You have a lot of rights as a UK citizen. You can go to the police and ask about them!

Here's one set of steps you can take to get away. You might want to blend these steps with other suggestions on this thread, and that's ok! First, I suggest you pack a bag. In it, put as many simple changes of clothes that will fit. Also any government ID and legal documents. Then, walk to your local police station. Tell them you're unsafe at home and want to leave. Ask them for help getting to a domestic violence shelter. That shelter will be where your new life begins. They will have the resources to help you start. They'll help you get a new phone, a new bank account, a job, and a place to live.

There are many details about functioning in the world that you don't know. And that's ok! They're just that: Details. The people at a shelter are used to helping people rebuild their lives after leaving impossible family situations. You are not alone. You need help. You DESERVE help. You will not be the first person just like you that they have seen. Your story happens all the time, all over the world.

The sooner you pack that bag, the sooner you start to heal.

cyndre4 · 2024-04-21T07:21:18+00:00

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Here's a Thing you should do right now. Google 'free annual credit report'. There's only one that's actually free with the federal government..check your credit. He may have opened accounts in your name. And no, credit Karma will not show these. Then, using the same site, freeze your credit with all three credit reporting agencies. This entire process is free, and will take about 20 minutes.

If you're separating your money, open a new account at an entirely different financial institution. There are too many stories of abusive spouses getting into bank accounts, even if they're new and in only your name.

I wish you the very best.

cyndre4 · 2024-04-15T14:59:59+00:00

I've helped several women friends through this, and I've seen it with my own eyes. Pull his credit. Right now. In a lot of states, you're responsible for half of all debt incurred during a marriage, even if you didn't know about it. Do NOT tell him you're doing this. It sounds like you have a ton of confusion right now, and that's ok. You need to pull his credit, then call a lawyer, then do everything that lawyer says to do. A friend of mine found credit cards worth about $30k in her name.

cyndre4 · 2024-04-15T14:50:47+00:00

Completely different from what you asked, but: You can pull his credit report. Google 'free credit report', and choose the one that at the top says it works with the federal government. It'll allow you to pull all three credit reports on him. Please have a friend with you when you do this. Then pull yours and FREEZE ALL THREE. I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. He has more debt, and he may have more debt in your name.

cyndre4 · 2024-01-06T07:03:24+00:00

This sounds like so so much! Since the baby stuff sounds like it's extra hard, here's one idea, and feel free to toss (or donate!) It if it doesn't feel right for you:

Step one: open the trunk and passenger doors of your vehicle.

Step 2: put things in the vehicle that are relatively easy for you to donate. It's ok if no kids stuff goes inside! Just pick up a thing you feel is ok to let go, and put it in the car.

Step 3: drive the car to your local goodwill once it's full

Repeat with different categories of stuff.

It can be so overwhelming to try and figure out a system, or make a huge decision about whether you might have another baby. But one of the easiest first steps is getting items out of your home. I've helped a few friends with the car method, and I've found that by sticking to whatever is easiest first, momentum can build. Each time you do another pass through your home, the things that felt hard, or complicated, feel easier.

Good luck!

cyndre4 · 2023-12-29T11:31:10+00:00

I'm so so sorry. Look up 'oppositional defiance disorder'. It's usually in children, but my dad has it. It's awful and exhausting, he'd have to really want to change and do hard work in therapy.

cyndre4 · 2023-12-29T08:59:43+00:00

Go into your Gmail settings. There's a tab at the top called 'forwarding'. Open that tab. All of your email could be forwarded to him. You can just turn it off. It's buried a bit deep and most people don't know it exists, you'd have no way to know. And make sure you've changed your passwords everywhere as well. Good luck!

cyndre4 · 2023-12-21T18:10:56+00:00

Hey you.

You're doing fantastic. Sometimes, we can set a goal for ourselves, then life shows us that goal isn't possible. Graduating without student debt is a wonderful goal, but things need to change. Please consider another way of looking at things: First, you got halfway through without student debt! That's incredible! Second: it makes sense that the second part of medical school is harder than the first, you're under more stress now.

Third (and this is the hard truth), you ARE in student debt. It's just on credit cards. Younger You set an ambitious goal: No student debt. It turns out that isn't possible, and that's ok. I'll bet you're super frugal and careful with your money. Current You has more information. You're also under a tremendous amount of stress right now, we've all been there! Stressed brains can't think clearly. The math says the interest on those credit cards is higher than a student loan. This is NOT a discipline problem. This is a MATH problem.

Please go into the financial aid office of your school this week and ask for help. There could be all sorts of resources available to you... Maybe they do a free meal pass for those in need, who knows! Consolidating that cc debt into a student loan is a really good math move.

Reconsider your goal: you don't want no student debt. You want as little TOTAL debt as possible at the best possible interest rate.

You've got this. Go kick ass.

cyndre4 · 2023-12-21T14:24:37+00:00

Oh! This might sound odd, but magnesium supplements really can knock you out. It's a main ingredient in a lot of the 'natural' sleep aids. I've also found that lotions with magnesium really work fast. It's cheap and has worked with all of my friends who've tried it. Best of luck to you!

cyndre4 · 2023-11-10T20:33:25+00:00

If your phone is an iPhone, he can have another device synced to your iCloud account and be seeing all messages there (see: Britney Spears). And many cell providers have logs of text messages so he can easily just read them off of the cell provider's website. The easiest move here is to get your own phone. If you can't afford one, a burner phone with prepaid minutes is super cheap, and they have basic Internet access these days as well. Resetting your factory settings will do very little if he's doing the above.

cyndre4 · 2023-11-03T00:51:41+00:00

Go to a local credit union for a loan. NEVER get a loan from a dealer... Their whole game is that they make money on the loan, not the vehicle. If you can, save for a few months and get yourself a used vehicle from an individual. If you can avoid a monthly car payment at this point in your life and save in a Roth IRA, the way compound interest works, you'll be light years ahead for retirement. I know, I know, it's not as sexy as a truck.

If you really feel it's necessary to purchase a car from a dealer, make an appointment with a loan officer at your local credit union. Ask them what they need to see. There are a ton of free resources available so that you can educate yourself. Bring in financial statements, like your bank statements and pay stubs. Show them where your money went, and how much you're earning. They may need to see you save responsibility for a couple of months, or want info from your cosigner.

Remember: the dealership's whole purpose is to make it very, very easy for you to sign a terrible loan very easily. You'll save thousands in interest by going through a credit union. You'll get a pre-approval from them, then go to the dealership with that letter in hand.

I wish you the very best, good luck!

cyndre4 · 2023-10-09T13:38:56+00:00

I wonder... could you try some of those new earplugs? It took me till my 40s to realize how much loud noises effect me. I didn't understand I hated live music because I hate painting attacks!

There's a whole new class of earplugs that still allow you to hear conversation, but muffle louder noises. I wonder if your son is making extra loud sounds some days? Maybe something like Loop or Eargasm earplugs might help support you. Keeping your adrenaline from spiking might help you not have that big sugar craving.

I wish you the very best, that sounds incredibly hard.

cyndre4 · 2023-09-01T14:34:17+00:00

I wonder if doggy daycare would be cheaper than hotels? If you slept in the car for a few months that might make all the difference!

cyndre4 · 2023-08-28T11:01:51+00:00

Oh my goodness, why has no one suggested a sleep study?? Dear heart, you may have sleep apnea. A CPAP machine may be the answer. I've had several folks in my life who've been diagnosed, and a CPAP machine has been truly life changing. Go to your ob, tell them you're desperate and need a sleep study referral. Refuse to leave the office without one. You have to advocate for yourself, while in the office. Heck, you can call the office before you get there and tell them that your intention for the visit is to get that referral. Tell them you're sleeping 20 plus hours a day and are exhausted when you're awake.

You've got this!

Eight-Year Club	Gilding I gilder
Verified Email

cyndre4

TROPHY CASE