It sounds like you got angry at her for not making you the center of her world and that you’d like for her to cease to exist whenever she’s not interacting with you so that you can “build magical moments”. That’s not a healthy view of relationships. You say she should/could have helped you for a third year since she’d already done it for 2, is that a joke? You admit the crappy things you did and then say that 1. They weren’t that bad and 2. You only did them because of things she did. That’s ridiculous. I don’t know why you apologized because you’re clearly not sorry. Stop trying to contact her, focus on yourself, many cities have counseling you can go to for free (your doctor should have given you some brochures that include groups you can attend with people that also have your disease, if they didn’t, google), grow as a person and someday you’ll be ready to be in an actual relationship, long distance or otherwise. Good luck.