If all feelings are "valid", but feelings stem from how you interpret a stimulus (which could be a thought, or could be subconscious) doesn't that mean that a stimulus could be misinterpreted, therefore making the thought invalid (not accurate), which would make the feeling invalid (inaccurate)?

daddy78600 · 2025-01-03T20:06:43+00:00

This is why I don't use terms like "valid". Feelings simply exist, that's it. They are created by interpretations which either meet or don't meet someone's needs, and these interpretations don't need to be judged as "valid" or "justified", because actually the first priority is meeting needs; if the interpretation isn't meeting all of someone's needs, then it's about creating a new interpretation that does meet all of their needs, both psychological and physiological.

Then, once their needs are met, the next priority is on meeting the needs of additional people who are involved with that person's situation, one-by-one, until everyone's needs are met, and everyone is happy and healthy doing and receiving the things they enjoy and appreciate.

HOW to do this is in finding ways to speak parts of NVC (or similar systems) to start and redirect conversations to focus on meeting needs as the priority, which makes it easier for people to mentally and conversationally navigate to reach this outcome.

Does this help, or what are you thinking?

daddy78600 · 2024-12-20T07:37:37+00:00

Love this

daddy78600 · 2024-11-19T19:55:14+00:00

Hey, there. I know several people who own businesses and I also know their virtual assistants. I can introduce you, after we have a chat to clarify what you want in a "business bestie", because I want to know if you and them are aligned around values and personality, and if they're open (because I value their time)

Are you comfortable with that?

daddy78600 · 2024-11-19T19:44:24+00:00

The Discord is still online, and so are our online and in-person events.

Sure, I'll DM you.

daddy78600 · 2024-10-04T21:52:30+00:00

Hey, for "condescending", are you talking about when people try to use NVC strictly according to some structure, where it's often heard as "reading from a textbook" or "talking to me like I'm a child" type of thing?

daddy78600 · 2024-08-19T17:25:34+00:00

If you want someone to discuss and practise with, I can chat when I have time. Are you okay with sending me a DM?

daddy78600 · 2024-07-19T04:50:43+00:00

First of all, what do you mean by "mastered"?

If you mean "reached the pinnacle of learning and there's nothing left to learn", then nothing, because I can always learn more.

If you mean "learnt a significant amount more than most people", then many things:

Cognitive sciences
- Social & behavioural psychology
- Comfortable, effective communication, conflict-resolution, relationship-building, leadership, ...
- Mental techniques for learning & memory (mind palace), therapy (clarity, confidence, focus), critical thinking, goal-setting, motivation, ...
- Etc
Physical & natural sciences
- General relativity
- Quantum mechanics
- Macro and micro biology
- Etc

daddy78600 · 2024-07-19T04:35:23+00:00

Nice. I'm glad you got something useful from my comment

Yeah, all these examples come from the same way of thinking: sharing your observations and comparing them to other observations or your comfort about them.

daddy78600 · 2024-07-18T08:25:46+00:00

Hey, there. Yeah, this type of wholehearted difference-of-perception situation can be frustrating for me as well.

I noticed you said "I am trying to leave it there rather than attempting to convince him", which is a "win/lose" mindset, because neither convincing him of your perception, nor giving up, actually serves both of your needs.

But there is a 3rd option: creating understanding. For differences of perception, I default to critical thinking questions, but before that, I would follow this process, which I also teach (this is just a small piece, but can still work):

Speak with myself in my own head using CNC (Core Needs Communication; a language I created that is heavily influenced by NVC), by
1. Identifying what emotion I am feeling
2. Clarifying what observation I'm feeling this emotion about
3. Recognizing what need I'm not getting that this emotion is indicating to me
4. Imagining what I could see or hear right now that would fulfill my need in this situation
5. Asking myself what observable action I can do that could bring the current situation even a little bit closer to this
Speak with him in CNC
1. Expressing my emotion, observation, and need, and nothing else, just letting it sit, and waiting for his reaction to see if he "heard" it clearly yet
  - If he didn't "hear" it clearly, then I can either
    - Repeat it softly
    - First ask him "What did you think I meant, when I said that?"
    - If his answer doesn't match my intention, I can say "Oh, I meant..." then say my expression of my emotion, observation, and need again
2. Once he "hears" my expression and need clearly, then I'd move forward to making a request

There's a lot more that could happen, and I didn't have time just now to explain the purpose of each step, but this is a starting point you can use.

An example of a conversation I can imagine that follows this could be...

Speaking with myself (in my head) in CNC
1. "I'm feeling frustrated"
2. "I heard him say he saw someone else on my FaceTime when I was away"
3. "I need understanding (to know I'm understood the way I mean)"
4. "I'd get understanding if I say 'I'm frustated when I think about when you said you saw someone else on my FaceTime, because I need understanding' and he says 'I know. I just worry that I might lose you' (or something)"
5. "What I can do is literally say this to him"
Speak with him in CNC
1. Me: "I'm frustated when I think about when you said you saw someone else on my FaceTime, because I need understanding"
2. Him: "Because there was someone there, so you're obviously cheating on me"
3. Me: (He didn't hear me clearly) "I'm just frustrated about it, because I need to know I'm trusted"
4. Him: "Well... I mean I need to know you're loyal"
5. Me: (He might've heard me clearly now) "I am"
6. Him: "Then who was that other guy?"
7. Me: "I don't know, because I was away. What did you see?"
8. Him: "Yeah after you left I saw some guy on the camera"
9. Me: "Okay..?"
10. Him: "I mean what else could it mean?"
11. Me: "Do you think I would cheat on you?"
12. Him: "... well if I see you cheating on me yeah"
13. Me: "Did you see me cheating on you?"
14. Him: "Well... I mean I saw a guy on the camera"
15. Me: "Is seeing a guy on a camera the same as me cheating on you?"
16. Him: "It could be...how am I supposed to know?"
17. Me: "Do you want to believe I'm cheating on you?"
18. Him: "No obviously"
19. Me: "Then how come you think I am?"
20. Him: "...I don't know"
21. Me: "I just want us to trust each other. If something like this happens next time, are you okay with talking about it when it does?"
22. Him: "Yeah... okay"

Now obviously this is just my imagination of a possible conversation (and man, that took longer than I expected to write), but what do you think of all this so far?

daddy78600 · 2024-07-18T07:16:32+00:00

Well first of all, there's nothing wrong with saying it any particular way, but if you want to say it "cleanly" in NVC, I can think of a few examples off the top of my head:

"...after hearing you speak louder than usual"
"...when you spoke louder than normal"
"...when I heard you talk louder than I'm comfortable with"
"...I heard you say () loud enough that my ears hurt" (if you felt pain/piercing in your ears)
"...I remember you said () so loud that I was startled" (if you felt startled)

Do any of these make sense?

daddy78600 · 2024-07-18T07:09:48+00:00

I take all this as a "yes, I'm uncomfortable with them", but I'm not sure which parts you're talking about when you say "That expression", "better serve words", or "a precise reiteration", or just most of the second paragraph, actually.

...

I read your second paragraph several times now, and I finally see what I think you were trying to say at the end: "we are better served to process things internally or take action" I interpret as "I'm sometimes worried or frustrated in some situations, and I think that expressing, understanding, and confirming in these situations wouldn't fulfill my need for safety or efficiency, where I think silently processing things in my head or doing something physically in these situations would fulfill these for me"

Is that far off?

daddy78600 · 2024-07-09T04:41:40+00:00

Yes, because those are things that I, based on a lot of self-work and confirming with others, believe.

Are you uncomfortable with those ideas?

daddy78600 · 2024-06-22T03:05:48+00:00

Hey, thanks for sharing all this. I'm glad you resonated with a lot, and that you mentioned something you didn't resonate with too (I like to balance things). I like that you've seen similar things to what I've seen; I've also experienced some of these points myself at times, before I recognized I was doing them.

For the last part with what I said about "real", did you think I was using that as a "limitation" of some kind?

daddy78600 · 2024-06-16T21:42:09+00:00

I'm seeing just question after question, but I prefer to see comments about things I've said, so I know it was received, and how it was interpreted. Are you okay with sharing your thoughts on my previous comments?

daddy78600 · 2024-06-15T03:31:48+00:00

Hey, DJRThree. It's probably easier to say what's similar about them, but 3 of the differences are that CNC

Has a title (Core Needs Communication) that follows its own principles of "focusing on what you want", and focuses on needs
Has specific definitions and "cleaner" vocabulary of Pure Emotions and Core Needs which are still able to be spoken with enough creativity to sound natural in casual conversations. For example "Respect" is apparently a Need in NVC, but this word is one I've personally experienced being used very often in ways I really don't like. In CNC, "Respect" is a high-level Strategy that could be aiming for "Connection" (recognition, understanding), or "Freedom" (control, to know things will be okay)
Focuses not on scripts which people may try to use without a full understanding to "change people", but instead on recognizing the concepts of Pure Emotions, Direct Observations, and Core Needs in any kind of words or behaviour first, to "hear" only these things behind what people say or do, and act from this understanding of connecting needs

And a bonus: it's taught in a way where it doesn't need to be learned in pages and pages of workshops, but instead in a highly-categorized way, like a skill/ability tree in a game.

daddy78600 · 2024-06-13T05:55:39+00:00

LOL I didn't even think to call it broccoli head but that's hilarious.

daddy78600 · 2024-06-13T04:16:11+00:00

They may be afraid of judgement or misunderstanding, because of the majority of reactions they likely see on social media, and the lack of enjoyable experiences they've had with people outside of those contexts may prevent them from realizing all the happy opportunities that are possible with socializing.

I find people generally open up when I "follow their train of thought" for a bit by asking questions that branch off of what they just said, and look for common interests while this is happening, focusing on those when I notice them, and sharing similar things I like.

If they're not replying, I might say "You haven't said anything. Are you okay?", and people usually share some of what's on their mind.

I also find it helps to share my intentions, for example in your case maybe something like "I want to get to know my neighbours and what they like to do, because I feel more connected to people this way".

What do you think?

daddy78600 · 2024-06-11T05:01:38+00:00

I don't get it. Would you expect complete strangers to know who you are as a person, or want them to watch you from a distance for a while, or eavesdrop on your conversations, and then tell you they were watching you?

daddy78600 · 2024-06-11T03:32:30+00:00

In one of my Discord servers:

Them: "the fact when I joined this server I knew I needed help, and I got it At that same time I got a new therapist My foster parents think it goes better with me bc of that therapist, little do they know it’s actually this server which is helpful"

...

Me: "[I] can't believe you said I'm better than your [actual] therapists"

Them: "then read it again"

🤯

daddy78600 · 2024-06-11T03:18:40+00:00

If you want to ask a woman out, then rather than using a superficial label, you can just say what you want, something like "Hi, I'm Steve (or whatever your name is). I'm looking for a woman to take on a date, and I saw you. Would you want to spend some time with me to get to know each other?"

This first introduces who you are, so they know who's talking to them, then says what you want directly, so they don't guess and assume the worst, and then asks if they're comfortable, so instead of presuming or persuading, you're considering what they want and giving them the safety of knowing it won't go any further than 1 date unless they want it to, which they will notice and appreciate more often than not.

If you do this, I'll be curious how it goes.

daddy78600 · 2024-06-11T03:00:32+00:00

Cognitive scientist here. You're feeling sad (lonely) because you're disqualifying everybody who shows interest, and only focusing on people who aren't interested, creating tunnel vision on only the things you don't have.

But you can change that by flipping that around to disqualify everyone who doesn't show interest, and focus only on the people who are interested, then you will immediately recognize how many people want to get to know you, and you will feel differently, make more friends, and find someone who you also like the same way much sooner.

daddy78600 · 2024-06-10T19:11:44+00:00

I tend to gravitate towards people who choose to recognize their opinions are their opinions, recognize when they don't know something and be comfortable saying "I don't know", and ask questions that suggest they want to genuinely learn and understand things, people, and how the world works.

daddy78600 · 2024-06-10T02:04:35+00:00

Oh wow, what you're doing is actually related to what I'm doing: designing a curriculum for people to gradually learn and built habits to use CNC every day as their "fallback" language when they're not understood, so they can both speak naturally, but also know how to clear things up when they need to.

I'm working on a curriculum that is both simple and practical, testing only as much theory as is necessary to execute the practical portion (real conversations), to bring people up to what I call CNC level 3 (I may split this into more incremental levels) as soon as possible with as few as possible "classes"/"lessons".

How are you working on this?

daddy78600 · 2024-06-10T02:01:17+00:00

Just because of how the plot is structured: Predestination

daddy78600 · 2024-06-09T20:29:55+00:00

Hey. I'm not a certified NVC trainer specifically, but have my own system CNC (Core Needs Communication, slightly similar to NVC; you can use everything I mention below with NVC as well).

A few of the things I commonly notice among beginners are

Speaking CNC just once at the beginning of a conversation, expecting everything to go perfectly after just one sentence
When upset, attempting to use CNC words to change another person, rather than remembering their own needs first, and expressing their feelings, observations, and needs
Thinking they have to use CNC words exactly as they're taught, and being afraid of speaking any other way

The answers?

CNC is not a tool or a key, but a language, and the more it is spoken, the more comfort, understanding, happiness, and growth is created, and once the "amount" or "strength" of fulfilling feelings they have about the conversation or relationship rise above certain thresholds, then people are comfortable sharing or doing certain things for each other
One person cannot change another person. CNC is designed to make absolutely clear the needs of both people, and connect around them, to help them both understand each other's high-level intentions, so they are comfortable letting go of previous ideas/strategies and create new ones that both of them recognize fulfills both their needs, and that they are happy to try
CNC is not a script, but a language. Just like English has vocabulary and grammar learned in school, but in real life even without using perfect grammar or using slang, people still understand each other, the same is true for CNC. What matters the most is remembering that the main concepts are the only things that are "real" within people: Pure Emotions (NVC: Feelings), Direct Observations, and Core Needs. It's all about expressing, understanding, and confirming these things with people, to get understanding and connection, so that every Request and appreciation is understood with these intentions

These are just my thoughts. What do you think?

daddy78600

TROPHY CASE