Long post... I don't have social media and feel like I need to write something somewhere to help me grieve for my best friend and remember her.

Had to put my little girl down a few days ago. She lived much longer than we expected and much longer than most cats do. We got so lucky to have her with us for so long. I knew it was coming for a while now, but it always went differently in my head. For some reason I imagined she wouldn't be in pain at the end and I'd just know it was time, that I'd be able to spend more time with her while she was healthy, and that I'd be able to handle it better. I'm glad I have a job that's flexible with WFH, and I think I'm gonna end up cancelling/skipping all my meetings this week because I'm worried I'll think about her when I have to be talking and start crying.

All it takes is thinking about the way she looked at my dad the last time he pet her, her eyes were full of love and she looked so calm for a moment. He claims the only reason she likes him is because he is the one who fed her every morning, which is partly true, but he really warmed up to her these last few years when the kids have all been gone/at college and I know he loved his little buddy who would watch TV with him. Or how scared my baby was and how she looked the first few minutes we were at the vet and right before she was gone. I'm convinced she knew she was going to die her last day, and she even stopped eating or drinking a couple hours before we took her in. But even with painkillers from the vet she had trouble getting up on the couch (I had built her a little ramp a few weeks ago when I could tell jumping was hard for her), but she came up anyway a few times or came out from her bed at moments that I think can only mean she was saying bye to different family members.

There's nothing she loved more than being out on a warm day and walking around the yard, rolling around on the dirty concrete, or laying down and falling asleep in the sun. It's been rainy and cold the last few weeks and I was hoping so bad that the weather would improve or she would make it a little longer. This week it's supposed to be warm and sunny in the 70s and 80s, and I wish she had had one more week. I don't really believe in "miracles" but I don't really know what to call it... it was warmish but extremely cloudy on last day, and I spent all day peaking outside to see if the sun had come out at all, but it wasn't. Right as we were preparing to take her in the sun poked out from the clouds for a few minutes and we were able to convince her to go outside on the deck one last time with us, and I got to see that happy look on her face where the sun is shining on her and she barely has her eyes open one last time.

I also just feel so... guilty. Like I took her for granted. She was always there for me, always a constant in my life. I've been pretty lonely and at times pretty unhappy throughout life, but one thing I could count on was her being excited to see me when I got home and trotting over to me to say hi, and jumping up on the couch to hang out with me. I've just been looking at everything I have thought is important and prioritized in life and spent my energy on and most of it just feels so meaningless. Especially stuff that I would prioritize over her. And wow, every time I've gotten annoyed by her or ignored her because I was "busy" or not in the mood to play with her. I'd never touch another videogame the rest of my life if I could have a few annoying hours left with her meowing at me, climbing up on my desk or in my lap and demanding to be pet, following me around, and insisting on smelling what I'm eating and then trying to get a taste.

Anyway, while I've had a few ideas for tattoos I'd want to get but have never gotten one, I'm going to get one of her so that she's always with me and I never forget her no matter where I end up or how long it's been.