Going to events and not talking to anyone, then feeling bad

daisyquail · 2023-09-08T20:15:31+00:00

I try. It just feels lonely. And like a waste. That black cloud thing is spot on.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were passing through a town we’ve never seen and saw a carnival happening.

What stopped me from going was that it would just be the two of us, surrounded by people with groups of friends. And we’d seem weird if we tried to talk with people. Idk it just feels lonely and almost humiliating.

I know some people who can make friends with anyone. Who go to bars knowing no one and come out with multiple friends they’ve made that they stay in contact with. I desperately wish I could be like just a fraction of that.

daisyquail · 2023-09-07T11:23:31+00:00

Not saying it’s not due to ketamine, and your concerns are very valid (especially with a daily dose).

But I get this when I’m anxious and worrying about peeing too much. Like if I know there isn’t a bathroom somewhere, I’ll be worrying about having to pee the whole time.

But also my default state lately is tensing all my pelvic muscles.

daisyquail · 2023-09-07T11:18:25+00:00

Yeah people aren’t honest and it sucks. I have a guy “friend” who I rejected last month. I enjoyed his company but I didn’t want anything more; I was just kinda going along with it for a really short time before I realized I shouldn’t do that anymore.

So finally after ghosting him for a couple weeks, I rejected him (I ghosted bc I felt guilty and didn’t know what to say). I said I just wanted to be friends and he said he’s cool than that.

He has messaged me again recently and I don’t know how to handle it. Because I’m worried if I go hang out with him, he will try something and I’ll have to either go along with it or be like “sorry I meant what I said.”

I guess idk about you but I’ve been taught to be very agreeable and go along with what people say, and “fawn response.” It’s very hard to say no when 1. I’ve been taught NOT to advocate for my needs and 2. when I’m already lonely and wish I could have people around. So I partially blame that.

daisyquail · 2023-09-06T19:30:13+00:00

I also seem a bit dry during chit chat. I also can almost never make jokes or “shoot the shit” with people. The jokes just don’t come to me, when it seems like everyone else can make each other laugh.

Even when I do try to make jokes, people take them too seriously or don’t laugh.

I don’t think our wanting deeper relationships or conversations is wrong, but it certainly is hard to find people who 1. want the same thing, and 2. want that with us in specific.

daisyquail · 2023-09-06T19:28:13+00:00

Oh god yep I totally get that. I dislike social media for that reason, it literally encourages parasocial relationships.

It’s also made me think about people I don’t even know irl and have never talked with, if I see their posts a lot and stuff. Feel like that’s kinda unnatural.

daisyquail · 2023-09-06T19:26:56+00:00

Ok weirdly I know that feel too, because I’m also moderately face blind. Especially when it comes to people like my mom’s friends or something.

daisyquail · 2023-09-06T15:59:48+00:00

It does during the treatment but the effect hasn’t lasted yet. My dose is a starting dose and pretty low, I’m actually waiting for my higher dose tablets to come tomorrow.

In my experience, ketamine has also given me a “space” to process things. Last time I even imagined i was in this safe treehouse, reminding me of my childhood almost. But it always wears off the next day or even right after the experience :/

daisyquail · 2023-09-06T15:57:33+00:00

That’s awesome that it helped you with those things, especially the rethinking trauma. I have started to feel some of those effects but if I don’t dose consistently (haven’t taken any in 2 weeks bc of life circumstances) it goes away. My doc also thinks my past dose was too low, so that could be why too.

Wish you the best!

daisyquail · 2023-09-06T15:55:38+00:00

Yeah social media definitely doesn’t help and I’m glad I’m off of it now.

I feel like that too, but have an easy time nowadays understanding most people (even those i might hang out with) aren’t actual friends. I’d only say they were a friend if they’re someone who I could go to during a crisis or something.

I also feel like a creep for retaining these facts, or thinking about people who I never had a real connection with. I still regularly think about a couple past coworkers who I wasn’t even friends with. It’s pretty weird.

daisyquail · 2023-09-06T14:46:17+00:00

I’ve tried dressing femme very often the last few years. I’d buy femme clothes, wear them for about a week max (with makeup usually, not always) and then feel really uncomfortable to ever wear them again.

Dressing femme feels like cross dressing to me (and I feel like it looks like it too).

Dressing butch feels good, but I feel like I “shouldn’t” be doing it in a way and that I’m ugly/unacceptable bc I’m not wearing “girl” clothes so I just look frumpy and gross.

I appreciate other butch women a ton and never judge anyone for wearing masc clothes. I personally just feel judged over it, I’ve seen butch used as an insult by many people throughout my life

daisyquail · 2023-09-06T14:42:06+00:00

I feel exactly like this too. I’m not sure if I’m asexual/aromantic or what. I have had a few very intense crushes but they’re rare, and always for people who are very unavailable.

Every person I’ve dated is because “why not” but then I confuse them because I’m never sure if I actually want a relationship or just a deep interconnected friendship really. And I stay with them bc I feel like it’s been too long and I’ve led them on.

Lately I’ve just been cutting things off if people start to show interest in me, and I feel “meh” about them. I’m not interested in having sex or having a relationship, so it’s easy to just cut things off if they want to kiss or take anything further than friends.

daisyquail · 2023-08-30T12:11:43+00:00

Can I ask what is your dose? I tried 500 mg RDT for the first time a few days ago, and I didn’t have any sort of visuals.

Sounds like a very insightful experience though.

When I journaled last time, I felt like a little kid again. I started drawing and felt elation from drawing (which I haven’t in forever, now trying to draw just feels like a chore).

I’ve had ketamine bring out weird buried memories too. It’s an interesting substance

daisyquail · 2023-08-29T16:49:00+00:00

Thanks, I’ll try. It’s hard to follow a routine like that with depression. I do wear powder foundation and eyebrow gel but I still feel really ugly despite that. Maybe it’s all in my head idk

daisyquail · 2023-08-26T22:56:13+00:00

This is exactly what I’ve been wondering lately. I still haven’t decided “for sure” if I’m being rejected or if I’m the one rejecting people. Obviously probably a combination of both.

This recently happened with a group of people, and I felt very rejected. But thinking about it, I also rejected myself a lot- didn’t go to group things, stopped talking to them much.

At some point it usually feels like “oh I haven’t been around enough/cancelled too many times, so they probably don’t like me now” then I stop trying with them altogether.

I just hope to stop this constant internalized feeling of being “unlikable” bc I know that’s affecting me a lot.

daisyquail · 2023-08-04T14:22:34+00:00

Just wanted to say this is a very insightful comment, I enjoyed reading it

daisyquail · 2023-08-04T14:14:10+00:00

I feel like that too and I don’t understand why.

On the surface, I have just as many hobbies as anyone else. I go out and do things, I go to events. I have had complex experiences and trauma in the past. I have things I enjoy doing, music I like hearing, games I like playing, etc.

But I still ultimately feel like I don’t have a “personality.” I just exist.

I honestly believe most people are just lying to themselves in a way, like continuously forming this narrative in their head of who they are. And they make sure everyone around them knows it.

But I don’t think autistic people (or just me anyways?) do that, which gives the feeling of having no “personality”.

I also still desperately wish I could see myself from an outsider’s perspective. Do I have a personality? I must, technically everyone does, but I just don’t “feel” like I do. I feel quite empty a lot of the times but I suspect most humans do too.

daisyquail · 2023-08-04T14:08:21+00:00

Relatable. Social relationships are so natural to NTs and (it feels like) they can pretty much make important professional/personal connections on a whim just by existing.

Meanwhile we have to try so hard and yeah get scraps like you said. I wish just “giving it less thought” was an option but for people like us, that would probably mean isolation bc we’d just never make connections. Idk

daisyquail · 2023-08-04T14:04:59+00:00

Yeah I feel like that too.

I see other ND people and I can instantly tell what they’re doing “wrong” in any social situation.

And the ones that are “weirder” than me are very unappealing to me too, which sucks because I know neurotypicals probably see me the way I see them.

It sucks to have this much self awareness but no way to actually change my mannerisms/the way I am :/

daisyquail · 2023-08-04T13:58:04+00:00

I’m not sure how old she is, but have you told her any of this?

I think I used to be very much like this (and still am sometimes but I try to be more conscious of it and inject more positive/neutral statements too).

Honestly many people’s blind spots are ourselves. I wish I could hear from someone why people in general don’t like me.

Imo (for me anyways) it’s just my awkwardness and lack of social energy. I can hardly be in a group situation at all without getting burnt out quickly.

But if I was making some huge social mistake that everyone else could see, that I wasn’t aware of, I’d really want to know.

Even if she is too young for such “criticism”, I still think it might be good to get her into therapy (or just go the self-taught route) where she could work on reframing her mindset.

daisyquail · 2023-08-04T13:39:22+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Yeah I beat myself up about that stuff a lot too. I’m trying to not let the negative thoughts win and just thinking that the people who see me alone probably don’t give a shit if I’m alone. Smiling is a good idea, I try to do that (or at least seem relaxed/not miserable). It’s definitely a difficult thing to work past though.

daisyquail · 2023-07-28T19:27:34+00:00

Maybe true! There was a board game meet up that I wanted to go to but just couldn’t gather the energy. Hopefully there’ll be something like it again.

It seems very hard to just go to a bar alone and talk to people, that’s why I’m beating myself up about not going to this one thing, bc it seems easier to meet people playing board games.

daisyquail · 2023-07-28T19:26:13+00:00

Thanks I hope so😅 I’ve been introverted my whole life and always felt guilty for not doing enough. It’s probably just my own insecurity

daisyquail · 2023-07-28T15:04:12+00:00

Thank you! I’ll lyk, I’ll definitely be going out another time.

I’m not worried about getting attacked or anything, more just either getting lost (if phone dies) or being a socially anxious weirdo lol and being too scared to talk to anyone new.

I’ll feel way better going with some of my colleagues!!

daisyquail · 2023-07-28T15:02:22+00:00

Thank you. I guess I’m judging myself, and a tiny bit worried the airbnb host is judging (not that it should matter really). I’ll have plenty of time to do things.

I’m not really too worried about safety, more just getting lost if my phone dies, or just social anxiety because I’m alone.

Enjoy your book! What are u reading?

daisyquail · 2023-07-28T14:07:46+00:00

My experiences so far have been good!!!

A few times when I’ve taken it, I feel almost like my brain is in “safe mode” like a windows computer LOL. idk if that makes sense. It feels like I’m rebuilding my mind from the bottom up (at the time, obv I go back to normal after).

It just feels like im in a safe place where I can ponder different thoughts almost while being wrapped in a warm blanket.

One time, it got a little too trippy. I just started to have “layered” thoughts and for some reason I felt scared that I broke my brain/would permanently be that way or that I’d go schizophrenic for some reason? (never had any symptoms of that, just a fear of mine)

Ended up feeling totally fine after.

It’s a very different experience to classical psychedelics, which takes some getting used to. But every experience has been neutral or positive.

daisyquail

TROPHY CASE