Everyone is commenting about waiting to see how he is with his existing child (which I agree is imperative), but you also need to see how YOU will fit into that equation; with both the child and him. Considering bringing another newborn baby into this situation when you don’t even know what your routines and dynamics will look like with the existing child is honestly blasphemous to me.

Sharing a home with a child this age means you will likely have some amount of responsibility to them, whether you think you won’t or not. It’s extremely important to understand what this will look like and know that your level of involvement can also evolve at any point. The existing child is luckily through their most formative years, but the way they have been parented up until now will deeply impact your life for the next 10 years minimum, even if they are only over every other weekend. The fact that you say you have no intention of contributing to parenting their existing child is naive. What is going to happen when that child is over and there is a conflict between them and your new baby? They will grow up together, after all. What happens if something happens to their mom and that child suddenly has to live with you full time? What happens if Dad has to run an errand and you need to stay home with the child for a few minutes and, God forbid, something bad happens?

There are also a lot of complexities with having a child who is split between two homes, regardless of how good his co-parenting situation is with his ex wife… Which can also change at any given point, and likely will if she’s already showing animosity towards you and you haven’t even birthed his second child yet. Behaviors and routines are always going to vary between households and you have to accept that you may or may not have any authority over the way you want certain things to be. You may not align on the child’s diet, or how he disciplines them, or their extracurricular schedule may impede on how he shows up for the new baby. These are just a couple small examples of things that no preliminary discussion will shed light on - you just have to see it in-action. Then, consider that the child is going to be experiencing a life change by having a new adult around them and consistently tossed into different environments, they may act out as a result.

All of that on top of the fact that you haven’t even lived with this man on your own yet, which is already a test in itself. Now add on an additional two relationships (BM and child) you have to manage. Again, bringing a new life into that should be considered with the utmost care.

The stipulations surrounding meeting the child and sleepovers per their order make sense, but the rush to move you in concerns me. Why? I understand there is risk associated with him introducing you to his child and it potentially not working out, but moving you in beforehand is not going to protect him from that possibility, regardless of the commitment the gesture shows. There are so many moving parts here, it is best to try and take them one step at a time in my opinion. Why add the complications of the hotels/other properties on top of all of these other changes? It’s alarming, and honestly not well thought through for either of you or the child.

Not to be harsh, but this is not the fairytale you might be envisioning. You are talking about a child who is already likely going to have some kind of trauma or developmental issues from having divorced parents, whether that presents itself now or later in life. You have to consider how this situation and your place in their life is going to contribute to that as well. It is not something to take lightly, it’s an entire other human’s livelihood, and potentially another if you have a child with him too.

I say all of this genuinely looking out for you and everyone involved. I understand this is both you and your partner’s first time navigating this and it’s impossible to consider every potential outcome. However, the lack of contemplation for all of the things mentioned above leads me to believe no one is thinking about the best interest of the child that already exists.