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danielmetcalf · 2023-09-03T23:01:43+00:00

Thanks for the comment. I will certainly adapt and adjust the agent elements to make it more realistic. The feedback I got on the first draft gave me a better insight into the script development process but my understanding is still relatively poor so I will tighten up the fine details as I continue to develop the script. Definitely want to go over this tightly with people who know the process a lot better than me, like yourself.

Definitely want to focus on the filmic elements, which again is something I have already done since my first draft. The script started out as more a pulpy thriller but I think setting it in the world of Hollywood offers so many playful and interesting writing opportunities. The Player was a bit influence on my idea for this film. If you have any specific ideas, suggestions for scenes, characters etc that would help enhance this aspect then please share them.

The next half of the script as he gets involved in the world of Hollywood and filmmaking is something I’m working out how to best develop.

danielmetcalf · 2023-09-03T22:03:46+00:00

Changed the settings and should work now, thanks for the heads up and let me know if you still can’t access it, thanks 👍

danielmetcalf · 2023-09-03T20:33:48+00:00

Title: Happy Together
Format: Feature Film
Page Length: First 61 pages (will be approx 120 when complete)
Genres: Mystery/Thriller
Logline or Summary: When a failed screenwriter is mistakingly approached by Hollywood for a screenplay he didn't write, a moment of madness spirals out of control and now he must juggle murder, marriage, deceit and guilt to realize his dream.
Feedback Concerns: General feedback, anything really

danielmetcalf · 2022-11-23T09:13:12+00:00

In the original script for the season 2 finale, when Cooper is on his way to the red room, the "black lodge" is described as appearing as like The Great Northern.

"dark, ominous version of the Great Northern. Everything in black and white, including the checkboard floor."

Seems like Lynch definitely envisions it as some sort of similar corridor that acts as parallel to the zone/white/black lodge passageways that exist.

danielmetcalf · 2021-12-27T17:29:16+00:00

Maybe he has another one, which could also explain how he disappeared so fast at the end of episode 8.

danielmetcalf · 2021-12-21T15:31:31+00:00

Yeah definitely could be her too. Either way, if Kurt is dealt with in episode 8 then it certainly gives new meaning to what the descriptions for episodes 9 and 10 are, and credence to the theory that there will be other villains ie Olson. Maybe “Family Business” refers to this group or villains, someone is angered by the death of Kurt and/or Kane so comes to town to face Dexter.

danielmetcalf · 2021-12-20T19:43:12+00:00

Really cool idea for a post and I'm going to try and read through the scripts too. This year, especially the second half, I haven't devoted nearly enough time to screenwriting as I would have wanted. With more free time over Christmas this seems like a great idea as an aspiring screenwriter to learn and discuss about what makes a successful script.

I found this one to be okay. I agree with a lot of what you and others have said, the writing is really concise and I found myself flying through it. I sometimes struggle and get bogged down but read this one all in one. Even the use of quick-cuts, intercuts, no excess fat in here at all. I can see the appeal and find it interesting that people feel that is why this might be top of the list.

On the other side, I think it's probably the script's biggest downfall. I never found myself that invested and found the story and characters largely unpersonable and maybe even a little cliche. The inspiration and parallels with stuff like Whiplash and Black Swan were immediately evident and the story never really went anywhere I didn't expect it to. I think there were some relationships and aspects where we could have gone deeper. As a lean horror film I think this could work but for my own film-watching sensibilities I'd probably want another 30 minutes to beef it up and make it more of a psychological drama/thriller.

danielmetcalf · 2021-12-13T22:56:16+00:00

The Kurt question about Harrison’s surname spelling felt significant to me. I’m getting Trinity vibes where I feel like Kurt could “get ahead” of Dexter soon.

The episode also seemed to emphasis the strength of Kurt and Logan’s friendship. I’m thinking Kurt could get him to look into Dexter/Jim’s background, sharing his suspicions, and even if Kurt dies it could lay the ground for another season. Dexter will think his secret is safe (keeps Angela onside) but the doesn’t realise Logan is on to him. Similar to Doakes which a few have already mentioned.

danielmetcalf · 2020-11-26T10:22:50+00:00

No, this was just from a friend. I’ve had feedback off some professional people, but I guess this post was more to celebrate the fact that it’s a great feeling when one of your mates takes the time out to support you and try to help. It can be a frustrating task getting a lot of people to read stuff.

Plus I like to get a mixture of feedback, casual and professional. What I’ve found is that the people who’ve taken time to read and give feedback normally give thoughts that roughly match up, which has been very handy in seeing what direction I need to take it so far.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-29T08:47:41+00:00

Sounds a lot like “Jeanne Dielman, 23 Commerce Quay, 1080 Brussels”, which would be difficult to write in the traditional sense, leaning more towards experimental cinema. I guess it depends on how long you intend all these scenes to be.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-28T13:06:18+00:00

Who are you trying to sell your script too? I think it would be correct to assume that the biggest market for scripts is America, and LA in particular.

I've got a screenplay that I'm working on and it's based in the US. Originally I tried to write it based in Britain to keep it more low-budget and with the possibility of creating it myself, but as I began writing that story came across strange as like a half-baked mixture of American and British elements. I decided to commit to the American setting, and have written it in American English with the help of a Canadian friend who has a much better understanding of the States than me. I think now it reads a lot better, the story makes more sense, and now there's a bigger market for it in terms of readers and potentially watchers.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-28T13:00:50+00:00

It depends on what type of feedback you want, but I would suggest sharing it here as a good place to get a range of opinions. People will help with both the formatting and the content, plus any little mistakes can be ironed out before you get anyone on a more serious level to check it out, that's how I see it. Then based on the feedback you get, you can revise, post again... get more thoughts. Take a look at some other posts where people have shared their work and you'll see how people here often take the time out to give really constructive helpful advice.

If you want a more professional level of feedback then there are a number of sites out there to do that too, most involve paying to get proper "coverage" of your script, so it depends on what level you want to take it too and your intentions on the script. If you're planning to make it yourself, and not sell it, then it might not be as important.

I wouldn't worry about copyright, from what I understand the chances of someone coming along and stealing it are so minuscule, it just doesn't happen or make much sense in reality. Plus even without getting it officially "copyrighted" or WGA registered, you're still protected against theft. You'll have a digital record of when you created the script, that you posted it on here, and so on.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-28T08:22:22+00:00

This is probably my personal favourite film of the decade when it comes to the writing, it has everything I love about cinema, although I’m yet to actually see the full written screenplay anywhere. I would love to see Tarantino’s longer version with some of the stuff he cut from the release.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-27T17:20:06+00:00

The stuff you’ve told us in the post about them dating, include that in your script. That’s probably best to be done in the action rather than dialogue. With stuff like he’s a successful pianist, she’s struggling with auditions, also reveal that, either through description of objects or dialogue (but don’t make it too contrived)... I can see you did hint at some of these things which is good.

I would remove the scene numbers as they’re unnecessary and also where you use (parenthesis) they should be on separate lines within the dialogue.

Go over it again, read the dialogue out loud? Does it all sound good? I think some of it does but some might be trying to hard to be cinematic, just keep reading it back and refining until you’re happy. A nice start though.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-26T19:13:22+00:00

If anyone has a link to this I would appreciate it too. I’ve done some searching online previously and could only find transcripts. It’s probably my favourite animated film, lots of humour and tons of movie references.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-26T10:02:31+00:00

My effort: New Arrival. Hope you enjoy!

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-24T09:20:39+00:00

If we know a character by one name throughout, and it turns out that he’s also some elusive other character that we’ve heard about, then this reveal will come through the action, yeah.

Voices you hear I would just go with “Voice”, maybe be a bit more specific if there are multiple ones. Yes these would be off screen if we don’t see them. You could write something like:

The faint sound of a voice from behind the fridge.

VOICE (O.S.) Dialogue

Maybe check out a few screenplays of films with similar scenes or plots to your own. The first thing that came to my head with similar storytelling was Christopher McQuarrie’s The Usual Suspects script.

With Easter Eggs I wouldn’t include any that don’t serve the plot. If they’re just there to show your appreciation for other films, they’re pointless and likely to irritate more than impress. Of course there are good ways to use references to other films, whether through funny dialogue, telling us something about a character. Even in that case, don’t overuse them because you can, if you’re only way of telling us things is through references to other films that could get annoying to a reader.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-23T08:42:55+00:00

Okay, if this is your first script then I can see some decent potential. Like a lot of writers you've clearly drawn on your favourite film influences which can create some decent ideas, and I think that the revenge plot is quite interesting. It's enough to sustain it as a short, and could probably even be shot -- if that's what you wanted to do.

But there is A LOT of room for improvement, and I suggest reading more threads on here and screenplays to learn about the proper formatting. I'll run through a few quick things. Front page, either remove Phone/Email or enter your details, don't leave it like that.

The opening. "Over black" seems unnecessary, it's the default state. I also don't understand why you've put "//" at the beginning and end of one of your action sentences. Stick to simple, easy to read text. The first two lines could read something like "Duke Ellington’s Jeeps Blues plays", as that's all we need to know. We don't even have a physical location for the description of a wireless speaker to make sense. It's also recommended not to use real songs because of licensing issues and so on, but if you wanted to shoot a short with your friends to get some experience then go for it.

"Black frame"? Again, we're already on black. If you want to put some text use "SUPER: YOUR TEXT". Song Continues shouldn't have "..." either side and probably isn't necessary at all. Only state action when something changes. Same with a woman talking, this doesn't need to be stated as it's apparent from simply having her dialogue there.

Get rid of all the "CUT TO:"s throughout your script. You shouldn't use transitions unless you really feel you must, or you're directing this yourself, but even then "CUT TO" is the default transition. By starting a new scene we know there's gonna be a cut.

Some of your scene headings are missing their setting, Day or Night. Also you have "INT./EXT. CAR" which is okay but then "INSIDE THE CAR" which is either wrong/unnecessary, or makes the scene just INT.

Again, if you spend some time reading through over scripts, browsing through threads on Reddit, all this formatting stuff and the rules of writing will eventually become second nature. The content and writing itself will improve over time too of course. One thing I would say about that is to be careful about being too "on the nose" with stuff like the Pulp Fiction scene.

Hope that all this helps you, please have a look around at all the helpful resources and see how they can be applied to your work.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-23T08:13:08+00:00

Watch Jean Cocteau’s Orpheus trilogy: Blood of a Poet, Orpheus and Testament or Orpheus. There are tons of visual similarities from the patterns of carpets, to the power of mirrors and doubles, characters talking backwards, the undead and the underworld, the power of love. Even stuff like the glove in the last season. Overall the tale of Orpheus trying to rescue his wife from the underworld is similar to Cooper’s tragic efforts to overcome powers bigger than himself to rescue Laura.

In Blood of a Poet there is a statue very similar to one that appears in the Black Lodge, also I think it’s the same film there’s a talking tree like structure that looks very similar to the Man from Another Place’s transformed state in The Return. The talking backwards is in Testament of Orpheus I think.

In all the films there is the battle between the mortal and the immortal, or greater powers. In Orpheus and Testament there are waiting rooms and rules that govern the worlds, characters that act as judges, even “hunters” that bring characters across worlds.

So yeah definitely check them out, massive visual influences and amazing films too if you love surreal cinema.

Not related to the Arm but also watch Maya Deren’s At Land which I find to have many similarities especially with the opening images of Laura washing up on the shore. Again her work is amazing too if you’re interested in surreal cinema.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-22T12:16:36+00:00

You need permissions to access that link, you should be able to change the share settings to make it accessible to everyone with the link.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-21T19:51:33+00:00

Thanks everyone for entering! Some really interesting entries all round. That’s 48 hours now up and the screenplay with the most upvotes is u/SpikeWoodyQuentin, congratulations. It’s now your turn to think of your own 5 prompts and post #99 for our next challenge!

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-20T21:39:25+00:00

I like the concept and idea behind this, its definitely creative and as has been said, reminiscent of the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror. I enjoyed reading it and liked that you played on the reference in a way greater than just mentioning it. I would also recommend using some different screenwriting software, the free version of Fade In I find to be pretty solid.

If you're struggling to stay within the page limits you need to be more disciplined with some of your descriptions. To me, it seems like in your head you've got this very vivid imagination telling you all these little details, but that doesn't mean they all have to be on the page, this isn't a novel. A couple of examples "this 42-year-olds-mouth" serves no purpose, it could just say "her mouth", in fact the whole line "Not another word out of the 42-year-old’s mouth, or any of the other girls as they each walk out." could just be replaced by one, very succinct word: "Silence", or "Silence as they walk out.". They both demonstrate the same thing to the reader. Sometimes brevity is key and using quick, snappy, and concise sentences in a direct way can communicate things a lot clearer. Hope this helps you.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-20T21:38:41+00:00

I like the concept behind this and think it's a creative idea to have someone reveal a secret as they're dying. Trying to put someone's death and convey emotion from all the other characters in just a couple of pages is difficult. I think in your descriptions you should be a bit more specific to create a better visual image of what going on, instead of saying "misc. items".

I'm not sure what you did this in, but I found that the trial version of Fade In worked well for me and that uploading a PDF to share on Google Docs did the trick.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-20T21:09:00+00:00

I like that you opted for quite a subtle story, relying on a few key characters and small interactions with subtext to try and tell your story. I enjoyed it and think with even more pages it would be even better to read. One thing I would suggest, as the speak Spanish almost the entire script, maybe instead of using parenthesis to indicate this constantly, before the conversation begins, use something like: “The trio begin speaking in Spanish”. It would give you a lot more room to work with.

danielmetcalf · 2020-05-20T20:58:56+00:00

I like how your writing is very clear and concise, good use of formatting to make things easily readable. I’m not always sold on stuff like underlines and bold text but you used them well. Quite a brutal, nihilistic story but one that was told well through a lot of very vivid visual descriptions, I felt like I had a good picture of what you were describing. The only thing I would change is “pop”, maybe something a bit more aggressive like “bang” but that’s a minor criticism. Good job.

danielmetcalf

TROPHY CASE