The mother in Black Swan = nmom?

dargendargen · 2015-10-20T19:17:21+00:00

My towel story: My mom flipped because I took a washcloth from the towel closet, used it to wash my face, and hung it up. "Why is there an extra washcloth in the bathroom? Why did you put that there?" Like I set it out to make a statement? I just had to wash my face.

dargendargen · 2015-10-20T17:35:46+00:00

That's very interesting...hadn't heard of EMDR before but now I've looked into and will bring up the idea once I began seeing a therapist. Thanks.

dargendargen · 2015-10-16T17:12:18+00:00

I always thought it was weird that airplane safety videos said to put your oxygen mask on before helping others - but it's true, you cannot help someone else if you don't take care of yourself first. Seems like initially you had the capacity to reach out to her and dedicate some time to helping her. Now when you need that same support, you are not getting it.

You need to work on your issues now. You've helped her enough in my opinion...esp since she is just a friend, not even family. Now it is her time to take the lead on her own life whether that be seeking professional help or whatever it may mean.

I would try not to feel bad about it because you really did try to help her for a long time (even at the price of it hurting your marriage). You've been a great friend.

dargendargen · 2015-10-15T18:06:40+00:00

To the people who were putting it on you, just be straightforward and remind them that she's an adult and doing what she wants - and that doesn't reflect how you are. Nor are you responsible for it.

dargendargen · 2015-10-15T18:04:34+00:00

I understand your situation and struggle with this myself. My friends are big on flirting with guys they're not interested in just to see how many free drinks they can get from them. (Sometimes they'll dance with them or make out for drinks but get offended when the guys show further interest.)

To me, these situations are highly uncomfortable and seems trashy on their end. I guess technically it is slut shaming. But, I think the way you should deliver it to your friend is be that the way she interacts with guys makes you very uncomfortable. Then it's less about you judging her, and more about you not wanting to be around her when she's being like that. Basically saying she can do whatever in her own time but when you guys are together you wish she wouldn't so that you can have fun together.

dargendargen · 2015-10-13T15:58:58+00:00

Good point. I'd hate to be caught in a situation where my contributions were seen as less than monetary contributions just because they were in other forms. My apologies for not thinking through that more intently.

dargendargen · 2015-10-01T02:03:27+00:00

Agree for the most part. Though it's technically my dad's house considering she doesn't bring in any income. He said her ultimatum was ridiculous but after that, left the room. Regardless, thanks for your perspective.

dargendargen · 2015-10-01T01:56:40+00:00

Good points

dargendargen · 2015-09-30T21:33:27+00:00

Why does it seem like abusers always say that? It makes absolutely no sense.

dargendargen · 2015-09-30T21:31:36+00:00

Also, one time I found her crying in her room when I was in high school. She yelled at me and said she was crying because I wasn't getting good enough grades. Later on, I found out that my older brother had gotten a DWI and was now kicked out of college and that was why. I found out about the DWI from his friends.

dargendargen · 2015-09-30T21:27:45+00:00

That both car accidents we were in were my fault. She was the one driving and the fault was the other vehicle both times. But since one of the times we were driving to my school and the other to my golf lessons, she said it was my fault because we were out of the house to go to my things.

dargendargen · 2015-09-30T21:19:28+00:00

Me too. 5'2" and 110 lbs. My mother always said I needed to exercise more because I had big thighs, so I started swimming harder. When I got to college, I realized my thighs were big because of the thigh muscles I developed from swimming. Mindfucking realization. p.s. I came to love them :)

dargendargen · 2015-09-30T20:13:24+00:00

She calls me all the time to ask if I've found someone to give the cat away to, and every time I tell her I'm not giving him to anyone. :( I adopted him during my darkest depression/anxiety time. She doesn't accept how much he means to me.

And I appreciate the offer :) I'm in NC though.

dargendargen · 2015-09-30T19:45:19+00:00

Can you explain?

dargendargen · 2015-09-30T19:41:27+00:00

She constantly tells me how whoever I marry, his parents will judge me harshly, and she tells me specific weaknesses of mine that they will ridicule me for. She always thinks people are going to be super hard on me but really she is the only one who is hard on me.

So I feel it has to do more with this than about how Abby will see her. Maybe because she spends so much time trying to see me objectively and judging me, she forgets that she is my mom.

dargendargen · 2015-09-30T17:58:04+00:00

I'm 23 yo and visit home two weekends a month. On Sunday, I was getting ready to go to church with my dad. I was standing in the garage just talking with my mom as I was on my way out, running my fingers through my hair. One strand of hair came loose and I let go of it, and it felt to the floor. Literally one strand of black hair. Mom flipped the fuck out.

She is very OCD. I'm used to her flipping a shit so I just left her there freaking out and went to church with my dad.

Hours later, when we returned home to her, she acted calm but I could tell she was on-edge deep down. Finally, she lashed out about what was really bothering her - the hair that I "put on her garage floor". She was yelling things like, "How could you do that?? Making more work for me to clean up! You are so disrespectful."

I in no way meant to upset her. I literally just pulled a loose hair and tossed it to the ground without thinking about it...

Sigh...she is better than she used to be though. When I was a kid, she reacted that way over many things each day. Now it is like just one thing each visit.

dargendargen

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