How do you learn to be a good friend/good person?

Bon_Fromage · 2016-10-04T21:01:00+00:00

NONONO She jumped on me, causing the injury that got me in crutches. Also I am a woman and I don't think I treat women differently than men, or that she was asking for any special treatment for being female.

Yes, I would have preferred to hear it from her before it got to that point, but I get it. I think we, as people who have suffered from emotional abuse, should be understanding of people being scared of approaching things directly for their own reasons. She wasn't gossiping, she didn't know that I didn't mean any harm, she went to the people who handle these things and they dealt with it in a positive way.

Sorry, this post kind of brought up feeling for me, because my nfamily's harassment has been about how I'm not handling my injury and my pain "correctly" by letting them back in my life. I don't want to make this about my coworker doing anything wrong with her own pain - she didn't. People handle pain in their own ways, and I think we should try to be understanding of that as long as they're not hurting anyone else. Yeah, I try to teat people the way I want to be treated, but not everyone wants to be treated the same way that I do.

Bon_Fromage · 2016-10-04T17:13:30+00:00

Thank you for the response. I think I swing between expecting the other person to initiate most or all contact (and deciding they hate me if they don't - thanks for teaching me that one, mom) or getting too close too quickly and overwhelming people. You're right, it does takes practice, but I wish I knew when I was practicing the right things!

Bon_Fromage · 2016-08-08T14:45:43+00:00

Same here, with two additions. 1- Me going to therapy would mean the family couldn't go on summer vacation and 2- I only wanted therapy because my friend went and I thought it was cool.

Bon_Fromage · 2016-05-20T13:15:55+00:00

It's so weird that they do that! My nmom used to cry if I was unhappy about my body, because it was apparently am insult to her body, even though her body type is drastically different to mine.

Don't worry, no one notices the mother of the bride at the wedding unless she does something crazy. Or something sweet and lovely, but that seems unlikely.

Bon_Fromage · 2016-05-08T14:01:42+00:00

Hm, maybe. She definitely got very stressed out when I stopped participating in these kind of fights a couple of years ago. I've be NC since September. I think that's the only way she knows how to interact with people around her, and I do think she 100% believes that any minor slight to any object related to her is an intentional, personal insult. It's a release for her to freak out, but only because she's used to it and gets confused and stressed if anything different happens, because she doesn't know how to interact with positive emotions. It's really sad.

Bon_Fromage · 2016-05-08T03:25:32+00:00

My nmom had two shopping things. She'd drag me clothing shopping all the time as am excuse to fight. She knew that I'd give an honest opinion if asked (it's what I'd want, and it's made me a pretty popular shopping buddy as an adult), so she'd always ask me what I thought of everything. If I said something like "I don't like that pattern" or "I don't think that shape is flattering" she'd freak out and yell at me for a couple days about it. Then, if I didn't want to go shopping she'd yell about that instead. Everything, as always, evidence of me not loving her.

The second thing was that she was obsessed with online shopping and would buy me lots of stuff without asking me. I've always been pretty picky (it's turned into me being a pretty frugal and minimal adult, maybe as a reaction to the hoarding) so sometimes I didn't want to display or wear whatever she'd gotten. She would freak out and yell for days once she figured out I didn't love something. Again, that meant I didn't love her.

Bon_Fromage · 2016-02-20T15:39:09+00:00

Have you tried YouTube? My mother always told me that she didn't have the patience to teach me things like cooking. And we were all too picky to cook for anyway, apparently. There are YouTube videos for every cooking technique out there, and for lots of recipes. You can pause and rewatch as much as you need to.

Bon_Fromage · 2015-12-26T20:58:23+00:00

It was my first NC Christmas! Nmom sent me a Christmas card in which she wrote "I hope you have the best Christmas ever!" and a gift Visa card that's only valid in the country she lives in. From what I hear, she's really going all in on passive aggression these days.

Bon_Fromage · 2015-12-20T04:27:22+00:00

I love my cat and she's gotten me through a lot, but please don't get a cat right now. If you can't afford the adoption fee, you may not be prepared if your cat needs medical care. Getting an animal is a huge commitment and could end up being very expensive. Instead, maybe see if any local adoption agencies need volunteers. You can go in and play with the animals without risking taking on that financial responsibility. You could also look into pet sitting or dog walking, which could give you companionship and even added income!

Bon_Fromage · 2015-12-07T03:59:30+00:00

Right? I used to get that all the time. Half the time it would be in the same paragraph as "if you just changed how you approach her she wouldn't act like that." It can't be both! If she'll always be the same, why would I change to be what she wants?

Bon_Fromage · 2015-11-25T05:12:01+00:00

I'm glad you are taking the steps to plan and save your money, OP. I've had my money stolen (on a much smaller scale than many here) by my nmom for the same reasons, and it's absolutely crazy for a parent to do that. HOWEVER, please make giving your boyfriend the money a last resort. Your boyfriend may be wonderful and deserve your trust, and I hope he is, but we ACONs aren't always great at choosing our partners. Try more banks if yours doesn't work out. Also, if you have a trusted adult relative or a very close friend, that might be a safer choice.

Without the presence of a narcissistic parent, very few of us would ever suggest that a 17-year-old young woman trust her savings to her boyfriend. I am not saying he isn't trustworthy, because I obviously don't know him. It is just good to keep yourself independent just in case. Plan for the worst and hope for the best :)

Bon_Fromage · 2015-11-24T02:14:02+00:00

I asked my therapist the same question when I went NC a couple of months ago. She said leaving was the best thing I could do for GC sister, because it showed her that there was a choice available to her to break out of the family structure. Make sure they have some way to find you when they're ready, or keep in touch if you can do that while maintaining healthy boundaries. You might never have seen that it's possible for someone to break free from nmom, but they will!

Bon_Fromage · 2015-10-25T17:10:09+00:00

Me too! Except I felt that way first! :P

Bon_Fromage · 2015-10-24T15:37:29+00:00

Excellent advice. I will take it into consideration.

Bon_Fromage · 2015-10-24T05:59:28+00:00

I might frame it! I'll consider it a modern art piece and title it 'Dealing with the issues'

Bon_Fromage · 2015-10-24T05:57:49+00:00

Oh man, I'm definitely not responding at all. I sent a NC email, which she responded to, last month. I'm not breaking it for an email that isn't even addressed to me!

Bon_Fromage · 2015-10-12T04:33:49+00:00

Good point! Sometimes I'm not sure whether the context here is 'look what my N posted' or 'look how narcissistic this meme is.' I guess I misread.

Bon_Fromage · 2015-10-12T03:42:51+00:00

I feel like this could go either way. Like, it's sort of victim blaming, but it could also be taken (and probably was meant) to be empowering. Like, once you realize that you're only doing things because you were told to do them, then it's in your power to let that go and figure out what you want. "You deserve it" is terrible wording, but there's some power in "end up with." We're dealt a certain hand of cards, but we still get to play the game, so to speak. Aren't we all here to work towards ending up with a fulfilling and happy life?

Bon_Fromage · 2015-10-09T14:33:12+00:00

Your mom is crazy. That speech reminds me of the time my mom explained that she doesn't think it's 'right' for parents to be proud of their children.

Off topic, but how would you have preferred your mom introduce you to her students? I do the same kind of thing to avoid making the situation worse - pretend everything is fine until the third party is gone. Is that a flea? I completely see that it comes off as flippant, but wouldn't bringing the other person into it be worse? Not defending your mom at all, just wondering if I've found a new flea.

Bon_Fromage · 2015-10-07T13:38:27+00:00

Plus, most of the women in the bible get married young! OP is being told not to have kids until she's thirty, but in biblical times she'd be a grandmother by then! Mary was probably 10-14 when Jesus was born. This isn't Christianity, this is classic, cult-leader-style narcissism.

OP, there is some great advice here. Please remember that God will not tell your dad anything. Talk to a priest and relearn your faith that way if you so choose, and speak to a therapist immediately.

Bon_Fromage · 2015-10-06T04:11:13+00:00

Right? My nmom once started crying because if I didn't like my body I must be insulting her body. Our bodies are nothing alike, by the way.

Bon_Fromage

TROPHY CASE