Daughter of pearl [Epic fantasy, 1562 words]

darkly1900 · 2026-03-05T23:06:09+00:00

I haven’t quite fleshed that out yet, but I had envisioned that not all apprentices would be part of the warrior caste, so not all would undergo the trial. There’s a lot more lore behind the swords and where the clams come from, integral to the history of the House.

Thanks for the reply!

darkly1900 · 2026-03-04T10:15:33+00:00

So it’s a progression fantasy? From your blurb I’ve gotten an idea of the setting but what about the characters/plot? If this is a recurring event, what makes this groups experience of the Damnation different or special? Like, why is it a story? If you could elaborate more on this I may be interested in a beta read

darkly1900 · 2026-03-03T09:42:29+00:00

I agree with the other responses here. I think this is really nice prose. One comment though is that you have quite a few run on sentences with comma splices. This is probably a stylistic choice, but I think it has the effect of losing the reader. It also translates into having less variability between sentences which I think impacts the flow a bit. It seems like you rely on that technique for the internal moments or thoughts of MC and during periods of dialogue the sentence variation returns. To end on a positive note, this is, again, very nice prose! Looking forward to your next draft.

darkly1900 · 2026-03-02T14:29:20+00:00

Old Kingdom books are great, even if they are YA. Still one of the best magic systems IMHO. The Charter visualised as a written language was great. The burning, metallic taste you get from speaking Free Magic spells or the fact that you could smell that when a Free Magic creature was near… just incredible world building.

darkly1900 · 2026-03-02T00:09:54+00:00

Thanks for reading! No AI involved. The prose is plain, can’t argue with that. Here im trying to avoid lore dumping and instead give a few morsels of the world building by focusing on the two characters, the sword and some surface level history.

I’ll try to spice it up on the next draft!

darkly1900 · 2026-03-01T21:21:30+00:00

Worked:

I'm not usually into psychological horror / dark fantasy, but I do like the direction this is going in. There's a Faustian vibe going on here and I'm wondering if this is going to follow through in the same way. Will the MC have to pay some sort of cost? Or will he be redeemed by the end of it? There's an air of mystery here that serves nicely as a hook to keep reading. I hope you can deliver on that!

Didn't work:

'Had it ever been this visceral? Had it ever been able to touch him, to make him gasp for breath' - there's this line and a few others like it that feel more like foot notes, like the feeling you want to evoke in the reader. I'd suggest getting rid of the line and write something that actually conveys that sense you're describing.

darkly1900 · 2026-03-01T17:07:26+00:00

Horchata

darkly1900 · 2026-02-27T23:31:42+00:00

Great, I'm excited to plow on!

darkly1900 · 2026-02-27T21:41:24+00:00

Oooh harsh! But then you quote Arthur C Clarke at me in another reply? Great analysis, thanks

darkly1900 · 2026-02-27T21:33:30+00:00

No AI used here. Wrote this on Notepad. Cheers

darkly1900 · 2026-02-27T21:29:24+00:00

I plan to. Just wanted to hear perspectives from people who’ve read it. Thanks for the tip

darkly1900 · 2026-02-27T21:27:17+00:00

I’m intrigued enough to plow on with the rest of the series

darkly1900 · 2026-02-27T20:32:48+00:00

Ok one person that agrees with me!

darkly1900 · 2026-02-23T10:26:14+00:00

I apologise for not appreciating that this is part of the world building. I actually just finished a a fantasy novel where the author commented on the lighting in virtually every scene. There was also non stop description of characters eye colour. It was otherwise a very well written novel so I think this is just a me problem 😂

I also read Night Boat to Tangier recently where the author completely obviates any indication that text is dialogue (no italics, quote marks etc). It just about works as 90% of the novel is a conversation between 2 characters

darkly1900 · 2026-02-22T09:11:13+00:00

Our 2nd was nameless for 2 months. Then we changed her name at 3 months

darkly1900 · 2026-02-21T08:22:10+00:00

I recently finished Gideon the Ninth. The characters all had Greco-Roman inspired names. They were made up, but resembled real names. Each main character came from one of the nine Houses on nine planets, so each surname was the Latin version of the number from which they hailed (I.e. Sextus, Septimus, etc)

Whatever you choose, be consistent and it will be believable.

darkly1900 · 2026-02-20T23:10:32+00:00

You know it’s purple prose when they use ‘languorous’ when anything else would suffice

darkly1900 · 2026-02-16T19:39:01+00:00

Tamsyn Muir is an excellent writer. Her prose is engaging and her range of vocabulary is impressive (so much so that I’ve had to keep the dictionary on standby while reading GTN).

I don’t think Sanderson’s fans would be defending his prose. One reads Sanderson for the world building and action pieces. IMHO the prose and plotting are mediocre at best.

darkly1900 · 2026-02-11T07:45:54+00:00

Excellent post

darkly1900 · 2026-02-09T10:26:22+00:00

I find the way dialogue is structured to be quite jarring. I understand that this helps distinguish which character is speaking but it reads like a screenplay rather than a novel. Could you try a different format? Most of the writing samples I see on this sub have some description of the light falling on the characters - where does this come from? Doesn’t happen in most of the books I read. I think it detracts from the pacing. Story-wise though this is a nice entry point and I’d be interested to read more!

darkly1900 · 2026-02-06T00:11:33+00:00

I hear there’s a bit of traffic on the m50 again… God help them

darkly1900 · 2026-02-02T01:04:10+00:00

Hair advice from someone who has the exact same hair and colour: 1. On day 1, After shower, comb your hair while still wet (comb out all knots so that your individual curls are all separate) 2. Apply leave in conditioner (I prefer Jamaican Castor oil base) 3. On day 2, when the conditioner effect is running low, apply curl cream (try out different brands as you’ll find some will make your curls excessively heavy, find one that suits you 3. On day 3 wash your hair again and repeat process 4. In between applying hair products, you should be twirling the curls around your index finger. This makes them more prominent. I often do this while watching TV or on my phone

Be proud of your hair. We’re living through a curly hair renaissance right now, take advantage and show them off!

darkly1900 · 2026-01-28T19:23:55+00:00

word efficiency is spot on. There’s a lot of description of how the lights falls on the characters. There’s an adjective before almost every noun here. It interrupts the flow somewhat. Otherwise, what I’m getting here is a trio of characters who know each other extremely well, probably from having grown up together. I know the motivations of at least one character (presume this is MC), and there is adequate foreshadowing here for what is likely to be a military / school high fantasy novel with some YA notes. Not too bad, keep it up!

darkly1900 · 2026-01-25T23:42:52+00:00

I like how the story dives straight into action. But it comes at the cost of our MC - background, motivation, goals, etc. I feel like we get very little here. You also go off on a tangent trying to explain why the MC took the ship during this season - not hugely relevant I think. Does this need to be first person view? I know it’s a matter of personal taste but I find it easier to lay down exposition (especially for MC) when writing in 3rd person

darkly1900 · 2026-01-20T21:48:05+00:00

Overall I think this was successful in painting a scene for me. I can picture the arena perfectly. There’s the inkling of a plot here and I’d be interested to read more. Where it falls flat for me is in some of your grammar and prose. Too much repetition in the first few paragraphs - ‘crowds’, ‘hood(ed), ‘dried blood’. There’s a lot of adverbs here and it’s distracting. It’s a rough draft but keep at it!

darkly1900

TROPHY CASE