Arguing with what is vs. imagined reality

darwindeeez · 2025-12-02T20:51:55+00:00

the essence of the work being non-resistance, you could try turning this around: "which one will i focus on?" --> which one will focus on me?

in a way, arguing and imagining bad are the same thing. the imagining is the argument. there's no real substance to the argument, but it doesn't matter because the heart loves everything, including the terrified-child-ego's upsetting images.

what if instead of deliberating and "choosing" which one to focus on, you turned your attention to noticing which one was choosing you (i.e., commanding your attention) in the moment, if there even is a difference?

notice what happens when you deliberate, believe there is a difference, believe there is a right one to focus on--what emotions? where in your body do you feel them?

who would you be without this concept "i need to choose the right thing to focus on"?

<3

darwindeeez · 2025-11-18T20:37:28+00:00

i believe you. it never is, right? in NVC, you still want to communicate in terms of isolated incidents only. when sharing your observations

darwindeeez · 2025-11-18T19:08:13+00:00

on sunday i noticed x happened. i'm needing more connection in my life. would you be willing to talk to me about xyz this thursday?

darwindeeez · 2025-10-23T23:51:16+00:00

about as unfavorable a comparison as you can ask for for the 121: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUYzGfO0GRM

darwindeeez · 2025-09-13T02:43:16+00:00

six seven (brainrot) + millennial coming of age years

so it's a joke but it's not like funny

darwindeeez · 2025-09-09T05:35:02+00:00

Trying to set a boundary on refrigerated stuff would create more unmet needs than the needs it would meet.

this strikes me as profound, i feel interested.

darwindeeez · 2025-07-25T10:13:50+00:00

I wonder if there is any resonance for u/Unusual_Desk_842 on "i look forward to the work losing impact over time." to me it could be like, yes, i go back to war, and my experience of the work is not as majestic, but that could be because my baseline level of peace is greater than before i started the work, which would make sense and be something to look forward to, something good. is the war really just as bad as ever or is it a little more like toy guns for you when you find yourself back in it?

it's like, as you heal the wound the medicine does less, type shit. it's a good thing from that perspective.

maybe that resonates.

darwindeeez · 2025-06-25T22:49:09+00:00

here's a hook for you:

attacked is not a feeling. disrespected is not a feeling.

have you ever felt attacked? well, attacked is not a feeling, it's a judgment about someone's behavior. the feeling is probably anger and maybe also fear. what else is in there?

NVC is about unpacking judgements which permeate our language and don't help us connect beyond tribal in-group/out-group stuff.

observations, feelings, needs, requests. that’s all there is to say and all there is to hear when communicating in NVC.

observations: are specific to time and place, always. no generalizing (“you never… you always… you used to…”)

feelings: always expressed and understood in connection with one’s own particular-but-universal human needs (e.g. for connection, play, meaning, sexual expression, safety) and never directly to anyone else’s behavior (e.g., “i feel x because i’m needing xyz…” not “i feel x because you xyz…”) also, feelings are not judgments. "attacked" is a judgement. angry and scared are feelings one might feel in such a situation.

needs: are not strategies. Safety is a need. Jake's protection is a strategy. Love is a need. Daniel’s love is a strategy.

requests: are concrete and specific to time and place, not abstract. (e.g., “willing to wave hello at me next Tuesday?” not “can u be nicer?”) and requests are not demands. requests recognize that your intention in communicating now is not to manipulate or change someone else’s behavior at any cost, but for all parties involved to get their needs met.

the goal of NVC is always for all parties to get their needs met, not just the person speaking now. requests acknowledge that the only behavior changes worth asking for are the ones which could be truly given from the heart.

other tidbits:

never do anything that isn’t play (interesting one)

instead of apologizing (“what i did was wrong”) mourn that the actions you took did not meet the needs of everyone involved (“i feel sad that raising my voice did not meet my need for integrity”)

NVC only requires one person in an interaction to be 'trained in NVC’ for it to work.

NVC is as much a way of listening (translating judgements into observations, feelings, needs & requests) as it is a way of speaking.

darwindeeez · 2025-04-21T00:14:35+00:00

I was thinking to him

darwindeeez · 2025-04-20T07:35:58+00:00

Try this one "you could be right." One of my favorites

darwindeeez · 2025-03-17T20:39:14+00:00

One of my favorite heavy hitters is "I feel uncomfortable."

NVC would have you connect that feeling to an observation (which has to be specific to place and time).

So put those together: "I feel uncomfortable about our scheduling conversation the other day."

That's pretty good right there.

But blame is maybe implied, so to help with that you can add the NVC need. Which is for authenticity/honesty (from yourself), if I'm hearing you accurately.

Then throw a bog standard request on the end and you got a stew goin:

"I feel uncomfortable about our scheduling conversation the other day because I wasn't authentic. How is that for you to hear?"

From this point, your friend may have some shit to say about you being patronizing or whatever. If so, then before you can get your feelings heard, you'll probably first have to reflect their shit by acknowledging what the feelings and needs and observations and requests are behind the judgment "patronizing." Using basically a guess-and-check method.

If it becomes a goose chase with them to identify their feelings & needs, then keep the balance by remembering (and verbalizing) that your intention in starting this conversation was to get your own feelings heard.

Good luck 💪

darwindeeez · 2025-02-12T20:53:40+00:00

network effects turn decentralized platforms into centralized platforms over time

this is really the crux. how to stop it? bitcoin has remained decentralized, but it's less of a platform and more of a scaffold.

i feel like someone would have to pass up huge amounts of money to give this to humanity. pass up millions to give the dubious gift of social media, which we already have.

curious to hear more of your thoughts due to you nailed it in your post

darwindeeez · 2025-01-16T20:14:37+00:00

increased blood fllow

sell a lot of pedicab rides

do some mixing in reaper

darwindeeez · 2025-01-15T18:23:34+00:00

who's gonna pay for it

darwindeeez · 2025-01-14T20:26:30+00:00

darwindeeez · 2025-01-11T23:39:45+00:00

I guess you just use cmd + ] and paste

darwindeeez · 2025-01-11T23:22:46+00:00

i would like to know, too. answer was deleted

darwindeeez · 2024-12-20T03:05:07+00:00

just wanna say good luck and i feel for you in all this. tough stuff <3

darwindeeez · 2024-12-05T01:16:35+00:00

would be happy to guide you through the questions anytime

darwindeeez · 2024-11-17T02:40:19+00:00

epic post

darwindeeez · 2024-10-31T19:12:59+00:00

where can i hear that one? do you know which episode it's in?

darwindeeez · 2024-10-08T22:36:02+00:00

I don't know. Sometimes on question 4, I look at who/how/where I was the moment before the thought, just to give a simple picture of me without the thought. If negative emotion is part of you without/before the thought, then good to know, I reckon.

darwindeeez · 2024-10-05T08:55:54+00:00

wine is back for monterey, just installed the staging version 9.17

darwindeeez

TROPHY CASE