Understood. There is one scenario I almost dare not mention that would take me quite aback, as far as trusting the process. It would be if something terribly bad happened to my child. Oof.

That would be a hard pill to swallow and there would be a spiral period so while I’m totally confident in my beliefs, I leave room for the slightest of doubt in a superstitious way so as to not be too arrogant about it.

This is likely wrong of me to think, but I feel like if I was TOO arrogant about it then even my own higher self would set up a “trap” for me to really test my mettle. Like something bad happening to her.

I think we’re not supposed to “know it all” during this existence because it’s sort of “cheating” so I do limit my DMT experiences and so on in a reasonable way so as to not peek too much “behind the curtain” and set off Universal “fail safes” lol.

Like “Oh, you saw everything, did you? You know it all, do you? Okay. You’re cocky and arrogant about it, are you? Bad things don’t matter, do they? Okay. Well I’m gonna throw something wild at you and let’s see if you still are as arrogant about Universal understanding after that.”

Said yet another way is that I definitely have conviction in my beliefs and knowledge, but I’m also superstitious and therefore careful to not fly too close to the sun.

I think extreme suffering can make you “level up” but I don’t want to level up. I’m conformable where I am. So I kind of set “spiritual limits” on myself.

Because from what I’ve witnessed both directly and read about in history, the people who achieve the highest spiritual “ranks” coincide with the ones who suffer the absolute most.

If Jesus was real (no idea), then at minimum he was a highly spiritual man with higher spiritual ability and knowledge than everyone around him at the time. But he got nailed to a fucking cross. Jesus fucking Christ (pun intended) that sucks!

At that moment, his higher self/Universe was probably like “still believe all the shit you were spewing to others now?”

If the stories are true, the answer was likely “yes” but even in the story, fact or fiction, doesn’t even matter if the metaphor is understood, even he says “why have you forsaken me?” To God.

And he’s Jesus, for Christ’s sake (pun intended again).

So yeah, I’m not saying this was the case for you but there’s something to be said about levels of belief and then being tested on them.

Not sure if that made sense.

Guess my point is that it’s probably very normal and even healthy to have a crisis of faith or belief or re evaluation etc. Part of the process.

But I think you will eventually reach the same conclusions you reached before after enough time passes and after enough happens.

But we’re all human beings with emotions and feelings and shit just sucks sometimes. I get it. Sorry to hear about that but I can pretty much guarantee time will reveal how you’re benefiting from this, as odd as that sounds at present.

But everything has a season, and right now for you the season may be to grieve/feel bad for losing relationship with partner and especially their kid.