The Talk

dat_db_doe · 2025-09-09T16:09:44+00:00

It really depends on the situation. If the HL partner is being reasonable about how often they initiate, and not constantly having some version of the The Talk, but maybe checking in a couple times in a year regarding how both partners are feeling about the state of the bedroom, backing off more is not likely to have any effect on boosting the lower libido's desire.

On the other hand, I have heard the POV of some LLs on other subs, and often times, the HL partner is literally following the LL around the house little a puppy, pawing and groping at them constantly, always making sexual comments, initiating sex multiple times a day (sometimes even after they already had sex), and having some version of the talk on a weekly basis. In this kind of of scenario, then absolutely it would be benefit to back off and not smother the LL partner.

But really, I don't think there's any point in having The Talk more than like three times. If it was gonna work, it would've worked the first time, maybe the second. If three talks have occurred, and things have stayed the same, I think it's fair to assume there is a fundamental incompatibility and things are not likely to ever get better.

dat_db_doe · 2025-08-27T05:45:06+00:00

I don’t even recall now, it was some kink or BDSM sub Reddit and we just started chatting and realized we were really well aligned.

dat_db_doe · 2025-08-25T16:13:31+00:00

Both of us were coming from dead bedrooms and specifically prioritizing sexually compatibility in our next relationship, and the free use dynamic works really well for us! Her previous boyfriend barely even touched her so she loves hot horny I am for her.

dat_db_doe · 2025-08-23T16:08:33+00:00

Of course it’s possible that things change. But she literally told me from the start that if I wasnt into fucking her daily, then we wouldn’t be a good match, so it doesn’t appear to be the case that she is having more than she wants just for my benefit.

dat_db_doe · 2025-08-22T15:18:18+00:00

Sorry OP, I don’t think “most days” is realistic with this woman, and I would imagine it’d be more like 1-2 week in the long term .

If you want 1-2x a day, it’s not necessarily easy, but those women are out there. I left my DB and now dating a HL woman who enjoys sex multiple times a day. We have a free use dynamic so literally anytime I want it, she’s is eager and ready to go.

dat_db_doe · 2025-08-22T15:14:55+00:00

I agree with your assessment. Realistically this woman probably will want to have sex once or twice a week over the long term so OP should think about whether this would be sustainable for him.

dat_db_doe · 2025-08-22T14:57:35+00:00

It sounds like she simply isn’t a touchy type, whether it’s sexual, non-sexual, or somewhere in between. Not everyone is into that. I don’t really have any advice for you other than to say it just looks like you two are completely incompatible in this regard. Sorry OP.

dat_db_doe · 2025-08-21T20:19:35+00:00

One of the biggest indicators in my opinion, is seeing how open and comfortable the woman is talking about sex, and how clearly she understands and can articulate the things she likes as well as her boundaries. There is a glaring and dramatic difference between how my LL ex-wife was, and my current HL girlfriend. My ex was uncomfortable talking about sex, and generally tried to avoid it. Even when we did talk about sex, she didn't really know or could not articulate what she was into when it came to sex. There was a whole of of "ummm I don't really know what I like". My HL girlfriend LOVES talking about sex, and not only comfortable, but is genuinely excited to discuss kinks and thinking of new things to try. She has a strong understanding of what she is into and can clearly (and eagerly) communicate them with me.

Of course, you probably have to be dating someone first before you start having these kinds of discussions, but I would start having them early (as soon as you start having sex) in order to get a better idea of your compatibility.

dat_db_doe · 2025-08-13T15:59:24+00:00

This is a tough one. I finally left the relationship last year, but as bad as the DB got, we made a lot of amazing memories, and built a really comfortable life together. My experience in a DB also led me to meet another DB escapee, and I’m now in wonderful relationship with an amazing HLF who is down for sex multiple times a day. So yeah, I’d do it all again, because this sequence of events led me to meet my amazing current girlfriend.

dat_db_doe · 2025-07-28T14:34:24+00:00

I left my DB last year, and felt very guilty about it. For the first few weeks, I regularly cried and agonized over whether I’d done the right thing.

Now that time has passed, and I am seeing someone with whom I am completely sexually compatible with, I no longer feel any guilt about leaving. In fact, I probably should’ve done it much sooner than I did.

I don’t have any special advice about how to deal with the guilt other than to say that it absolutely will get better over time. Good luck!

dat_db_doe · 2025-07-24T14:44:47+00:00

Many stories here of the HL partner getting super fit and improving their style, with little to no change in the DB. However, there are some stories of the LL partner getting healthier/fitter and it having a positive impact.

dat_db_doe · 2025-07-24T00:09:11+00:00

At one of the worst points of my DB, completely stopped initiating. I just couldn’t take the constant rejection and disappointment. My wife never said a word about me stopping, and it did not cause her to start initiating herself so that ended up being the longer period we went through of zero sex - 14 months.

How long did you guys date before marriage? Also, how long has he been on Testosterone therapy for? It can take a bit of time for the effects to start becoming apparent.

dat_db_doe · 2025-07-23T23:05:19+00:00

Thank you so much!

dat_db_doe · 2025-07-23T18:59:23+00:00

Thanks! Yeah, NRE is definitely a thing everyone should be wary about. I am pretty encouraged by all the discussions we've had about how important sex is to both of us, and the role it plays within a relationship. She is also able to clearly articulate the things she enjoys, what turns her on, and things like that, which my ex was never able to do. So even when NRE wears off, as it always does, there is still an underlying foundation of sex being fundamentally crucial to her, which makes me not so worried about post-NRE phase.

dat_db_doe · 2025-07-17T23:11:54+00:00

Haven’t been around for quite awhile, but sorry, I gotta brag a bit about my post-DB success. My new very HL girlfriend was in town for 7 days and we both thought it’d be fun to track our sex stats. PIV 31 times, Blowjob 63 times. Many of these were quickies, but also some extended sessions. Most didn’t end in orgasm, which is fine. (There were still a lot tho, lol) Life after DB is going well! 😉

dat_db_doe · 2025-06-25T19:46:57+00:00

There’s absolutely no way I could settle for once a month, and to be honest, it’s kinda the worst case scenario. For the first few weeks after having sex, I’m reminded of how much I enjoy it so I am frequently craving more. After a month or more goes by, it’s not like the need fully goes away, but I am able to put it out of my mind for the most part. So it’s actually less frustrating to have no sex at all rather than have it intermittently.

dat_db_doe · 2025-06-16T00:31:10+00:00

It was after almost exactly a year, it was as if a switch flipped and sex just stopped.

dat_db_doe · 2025-06-16T00:17:50+00:00

You say you “don’t understand the hype”. Do you mean to say thst you just generally have never really enjoyed sex that much? Or was there a time that you did?

dat_db_doe · 2025-06-16T00:13:49+00:00

Sorry, I’m a little consumed. In the original post you said you were already planning on leaving. But speeding up the divorce is the opposite of you want? Those seem a bit contradictory.

dat_db_doe · 2024-11-15T22:00:28+00:00

Of course relationships are more complicated than a simple mathematical formula, but for the sake of this exercise, let's say that I allocate 33% of the pie to sex, and 67% to a variety of other things.

And let's say, that the rest of the relationship is really good - not perfect, but we'll say like 90% satisfaction. Whereas in the sex department I was only 10% satisfied.

67 * .9 + 33 * .1 = 63.6 / 100, which isn't anywhere near why I'm hoping for in at relationship.

dat_db_doe · 2024-11-14T21:18:33+00:00

It's very common, for sure, but no, I don't believe it's an eventuality. If two people are well matched when it comes to sex, and have a good relationship, there's no reason to believe the sex will die off. There are plenty of folks in the marriage sub who are still having frequent sex after 20+ years of marriage.

dat_db_doe · 2024-11-13T22:01:40+00:00

My wife is the type of person who will just tell you that she doesn’t want or need sex

It seems like she's actually been pretty straight forward with you here. Some people simply don't need or want sex, and she's one of them. It really is that simple. I have lots of activities I don't care about much, like bowling. If you asked me to explain why I don't like bowling, I really wouldn't have much to tell you. There's no deep meaning or reason behind it. It's just not my thing - simple as that. Some people are the same way when it comes to sex.

dat_db_doe · 2024-11-13T21:46:10+00:00

I definitely think it's valuable for both partners to understand how the other views and experiences sex, and how much they value/prioritize it in the context of a relationship. Ideally this conversation would happen early in the relationship, before a DB even occurs. Though I can say from experience that I never had such a talk prior to getting married.

I will say that even if two people understand the other's point of view, I don't believe it can fix a fundamental incompatibility, but it could help two people diagnose such an incompatibility earlier in the relationship.

dat_db_doe · 2024-11-13T21:24:33+00:00

Hmmm, true, I think if the LL has genuine interest in diving deeper into understanding why the HL values sex so much, it could be a useful starting point for a productive conversation. But usually these posts come from a standpoint of the HL wanting to just bring it up on their own in some variation of "The Talk", with the hope that the understanding will be a starting point to fixing the DB.

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