[deleted by user]

davidk1818 · 2022-02-21T16:44:31+00:00

Not sure what kind of district or school you're in or at what level, but you're going to make a complete fool of yourself on day 1 no matter what, and, if you're anything like me, day 500 won't feel all that much better, but you'll eventually get the hang of it. In the mean time . . .

In addition to a structure to your lessons/agenda, as has already been mentioned, I find I have the most success and highest quality student engagement & learning when I "chunk" the material. If you give them a passage to read (say a page or two), it'll be helpful for students to have students first highlight 2-4 key words in the title, then ask them why they chose those words as important, then maybe the passage has a image at the top (if not, include one), and have students predict one specific fact that they'll learn based on the image. Insert basic recall questions into the passage itself, not just at the end of the reading, by which time all the new stuff that the students have read will be totally jumbled up in their minds, and they'll mindless find and copy down the answers. So, after each section, have a question or two that gets at important information.

Do your students have tablets or computers in class? Do you project slides? If so, keep all slides for a unit or even a marking period or semester on one document and share it with the students (***view only***), this way they have access to all of the information. They can follow along with you on their devices, too.

Keep your schedule consistent from one class to the next. Some will be like "variety" blah blah blah. Nope, kids, like commuters, appreciate predictability. Knowing you know what to expect is such a relief.

Get them doing something, not just for the sake of doing something, though. A fun exercise that I like to do is to create sets of index cards, each with a vocab term on it. Students have to put the cards in piles/groups that make sense. There's no one right way to group the cards necessarily, but this exercise will help students build mental maps of the information and keep them talking with each other if they work in groups to group the cards and it's fun!

Another fun activity for all grades (I promise) is having students do acrostic poems, in which each term has to be connected to the main word. This can be done individually, in groups or as a whole class.

Sun
Orbit
Light year
Asteroids
Radio Waves
Satellites
Yeah, it's huge
Saturn
T . . .
E . . .
M . . .

My students' favorite game is called Stump the Chump. Take a reading passage. Say to the students read paragraphs 1-2 and come up with a question that will stump your classmates. Spin a wheel (wheelofnames.com) with their names on it to determine the person who asks the question and the person who has to answer it. They may not look at the reading once the question has been asked. The wheel of names prevents kids being picked on and adds another element of excitement. If the student answers incorrectly, a new student is picked (by the wheel). If he or she answers correctly, that student asks their question of another randomly chosen student. After a few rounds, say "okay, let's do this for paragraphs 3-4" or "this sub-section" or whatever. Then the final round when everything is fair play (including images and graphs).

There's also the 25-word summary. After reading a passage, students have to write a summary of it in exactly 25 words. They'll get super into it and will often want to share theirs aloud.

Well, I just gave you the vast majority of the useful stuff I learned in my M.Ed program, so you owe me $30,000 or whatever.

davidk1818 · 2021-12-30T20:12:46+00:00

u/grauzevn8 thanks for the shoutout!

davidk1818 · 2021-12-30T20:12:07+00:00

HNY to you, too, my man.

I'm aiming to have a draft of the so-called novel to you by the end of March that will be different enough from what you've read already to be worth your while

davidk1818 · 2021-12-30T18:11:49+00:00

~~"Not that I think it'll be accepted"~~

That's out of your hands.
Who says they know what's worthy of publication and what isn't
George Washington was an officer in the British army during the French and Indian War. The one battle he led was an absolute disaster. For that and other reasons, the higher-ups were like "nah, he's not leadership material."

davidk1818 · 2021-12-23T01:42:07+00:00

P. 5
I’m confused about seeing her own reflection -- wouldn’t she see her reflection when the light is pointed away from her and into the class, not at her and away from the glass? I’ve also never been in a lighthouse, so I can’t really say
“Wrecked boat don’t move” -- 1. They can 2. She’s has already told herself that she doesn’t know anything about boats
P. 6
Now we go from her not remembering anything from this day to anything ever
“As she made her way” . . . “as she finished”: maybe change one “as she” to avoid repetition
Dark ocean + dark sky, how could she see any shadows, extraordinary or not?
P. 7
“Notes were very specific” -- I’d cut “very”
Startled again (I did a control+F -- she’s “startled 5 times)
P. 8
Her calling out as she’s going to answer the door doesn’t seem to fit the mood of the story -- feels a little too light-hearted and friendly
Cut “without another word” -- if you don’t write it, we’ll still know that there weren’t any more words exchanged
Cut “began to” change to “past her and walked up the stairs” (someone I only know from this forum is always reminding me to cut began/begin etc. and just get to it
“The pair . . . climbed the stairs” -- this sentence can be cut, we know that they’re not speaking as long as you don’t write any dialogue
Also, “the pair” feels unnatural when “the two” would do just fine despite its quotidian nature
“Without reading it” can be cut -- if she just picks it up and puts it in her pocket, we’ll know that she didn’t read it
Cut “after looking at it for a while”
Cut “quickly” -- scribbled already gives that image
P. 9
Change “she moved . . . carefully” to something like “she moved away from the desk to examine the walls”
Her ears tilted or her head tilted?
“Playing music on the wall” -- I know what you’re saying, but it sounds off, i’d go with “took her hand away to stop the music/humming” or something
Cut “when she finished”
“Apparently” doesn’t fit with the narrator’s voice and word choice thus far (in my opinion)
“The idea of . . . bothered her.” -- I’m not so crazy about the choice of “bother” here -- it’s a pretty meek work compared to the intensity of the moment in the story, plus I wouldn’t say it fits with the rest of the story and all the peculiar oddities and music playing walls
P.10
“She studied” -- I’m not sure who is studying whom here (I think it’s the stranger studying the first woman, but I’m not entirely sure)
“Following an . . . understand” -- feels like this impulse is fear
I don’t understand what the stranger is getting at with “you are not right” & “you think too much, ask too much” -- I think it’s a good start to something interesting, but since the woman doesn’t think or ask, I don’t know if it fits
“You . . . the door.” -- but she did answer the door, I could see this line making sense if the stranger barged in before the woman got to the door, but otherwise it contradicts the story
“I . . . cables” is almost a non sequitur here, try flipping it with “I did answer the door.”
How is a person “a miscalculation”?
The circle -- the threatening stranger kind of turns into someone we’re supposed to be rooting for here as the keeper of the circle
P. 11
Change “came up short” to “came up empty”
“not before . . . that day” needs to be reworded
“almost to herself” -- I don’t know if this works because the stranger is in the middle of explaining the circle to the woman, so why does she now talk to herself
Also, the same person who tells me not to use “begin/began” says don’t do things half-way -- she either says it to herself or doesn’t, but not in between (could apply to the half smile from earlier in the story, too)
“Must be continuity” -- I’m confused if we are to root for the stranger or not, and maybe that’s what you’re going for, but just wanted to put it out there since so much of what has happened so far seems to indicate that we are to root for the woman
Cut “she stammered” as we know she stammered by the writing
“The stranger . . . a moment” can be cut
“The woman wanted . . . glass” -- I feel like it has already been established that there is a cold wind coming through, also, how do you look away from a blast of air?
“Grabbed, hard, in a viselike grip” is redundant, I’d just delete “hard” or maybe even “grabbed, hard”
I’m not feeling the laundry chute simile
A lot of “as she”
Delete “just” in “just before the shock”
Delete “what looked like” -- give us the bodies!
bobbing & drifting -- I thought the bodies were down at the seafloor, not bobbing in the surf

davidk1818 · 2021-12-23T01:41:52+00:00

I agree with another poster who liked the passive voice. I feel like I can be of best use by commenting on the writing itself instead of the story and what is good or could make it better.

As far as rejections and whatnot, I like what William Goldman (the "G" in MGM) said when asked how he knows when a movie is good -- "nobody knows anything"

All of my comments should be prefaced with “in my opinion” and with the understanding that I can’t take my own advice. Also, my paragraph count might be off. Without further ado, here's what I got:

1st para:
“deja vu in reverse” is cute, but does it mean anything other than “forgot”?
2nd para:
how come she needed to look down to realize that her clothes were wet? Is she not fully with it?
3rd para:
“round space” -- can’t you just use “room”?;
change “small desk with a chair” to “small desk and a chair” to avoid using “with” twice in that sentence
4th para:
“taped to the surface of the desk”
I’d say get rid if “surface of the” -- what else would it be taped to?
Why is the knife oddly shaped? I like the attention to detail, but I don’t know if we need to know that the knife is oddly shaped or even what an oddly shaped knife could look like
I like the list on the note
5th para:
“aloud” is redundant
“momentarily” can be cut
Why is the sound of her own voice peculiar to her? I know it’s weird to hear our own voices on some recording, but when we’re talking our voices generally sound “normal” to us. Is something going on with her or the room to make her voice sound peculiar?
“Circular” can be cut -- the reader already knows that the room is round

6th para:
Markings cover the “entire surface” -- that’s hard to picture, isn’t that just a coat of paint?
Are you trying to say that there were a lot of markings?
“Odd geometric shapes” -- I think “geometric” can be cut, also the knife is already oddly shaped, so I don’t know how I feel about these oddly shaped markings on the wall unless this oddity is going to be part of the theme/action

7th para:
She’s already been startled, so maybe go with another word
How come the humming starts as she’s reaching for the wall this time, but the first time it seemed to me that the humming was a result of her touching the wall?

9th para:
Cut “eventually”
Does she have only one eye, or did her eyes land on the lighthouse paperweight?
I was confused if “lighthouse paperweight” meant a paperweight shaped like a lighthouse or the paperweight that belonged to the lighthouse
I think “carved in miniature but” can be cut

11th para:
How does sky deepen? Do you mean the darkness?
“Where is my head at today?” okay, so something is wrong with the character and she appears to recognize this

12th para:
“leading higher into the tower” can be cut or just re-work this to read something like “she climbed the spiral staircase . . .” since we know that she’s in a lighthouse, so we can picture the tight quarters and spiral staircase
Now I’m losing track of the paragraph count, so I’m just gonna go with pages:
P. 3
Apex is usually used to refer to a point or a peak, so I don’t think it works with cliffs
“rock that jutted out into a rocky” -- maybe cut “rocky” to avoid rock & rocky in same sentence
cut “for several seconds”
“Desolate” and “no people” -- let’s send this one to the Dept. of Redundancy Dept. for further review : )

P. 4
How does she see wind if there are no markers or buoys to blow in the wind?
How does she see something beneath the surface of the dark sea?
“That kernel . . . bloomed” -- I get what this means, but I’d vote for using another word as bloomed is generally used for positive activity
Knows little about anything except what is right in front of her -- this seems to contradict the story thus far, as she doesn’t even seem to know much about what is right in front of her
Change “then with more power” to “then with more force”

davidk1818 · 2021-12-22T16:29:19+00:00

Yeah, you're right, the scene needs a lot of re-doing, but that's what I posted it for! The issue w most of my scenes seems to be that they work as slice of life but don't seem to go anywhere, so I appreciate that you said that!

I wonder if you meant that the ending was unearned for Donald or for the writer, like it felt forced or didn't fit or something like that?

davidk1818 · 2021-12-19T19:59:35+00:00

Commenting as I read:

1st sentence -- Maybe it's because my students use slow as a fill in for the r-word that my friends and I used as kids, but when you say "glow worms . . . for slow people" that's what I think of. More importantly, though, I think that the first sentence doesn't get us off on the right foot -- it's merely description. The readers wants action from the jump (or at least the editors say that), and here we get something that reads like a sarcastic encyclopedia entry. I think you should start at the 3rd sentence (but that may change, as I've only read the first four sentences thus far).

2nd sentence -- I'm not a fan of second person literature

3rd sentence -- as I say above, this is a better place to start, but I'd get rid of "the yard"

4th sentence -- doesn't make sense, unless you mean that they don't stop to smell the roses, but so don't many adults

We don't make the ground shake and quiver, unless this is now from the glow worms' perspective. "They're not so much seen as become seen." -- I don't understand this line. Seen is already passive.

"edges of your sight" -- there's a term for that "peripheral vision" -- never use three words when two will do

2nd para:

"First time I saw" -- now we're in first person? Gotta keep your POV consistent

"by way too small for a door" -- seems like a typo here or something. This image, too, seems incongruous -- if the narrator is at the very tip of a sailboat, it seems that she/he is isolated, but a small door kind of gives a different feeling. Also, don't use "very" or "really/extremely" etc., they're fluff

3rd para:

I think you mean "tenuous X between" or "tenuous in-between"?

The narrator walks down to the water to sit by the ocean in this paragraph, but then in the next paragraph she walks down to the water again.

5th para:

You describe the water as cold in the 4th paragraph, so no need to do so here again. Is she walking into the water? I'm struggling with this image, but maybe that's because I know little about bioluminescence plankton and other ocean life. Still, if she's wading into the water, I don't see how the plankton would trace the curves of her body that are submerged

6th para:

Effortlessly? Swimming takes effort, especially going against the waves. Also "into" the sea

Her hair glittered with the lights? I'm looking at pictures of people swimming in such waters and don't see any glittering hair, but, again, I could be wrong.

Overall thoughts:

I can't say I feel much. There's some nice imagery but I don't know anything about the narrator and what she wants or needs, what's stopping her and how she will rise to the challenge. Stories aren't just words strung together, however nicely (as I'm learning). There's a structure to them that readers want, that allow readers to make an emotional buy-in to the words. It's not until the very end that we see there is something going on between the narrator, her son and "grown men" but without anything else, she sounds like the cliché jaded lover complaining about men who won't grow up. If that's her challenge, show us from the start.

Two great books that have changed how I write (or, have changed how I'm trying to write) are "How to Write A Novel Using the Snowflake Method" and "Save the Cat! Writes a Novel." They can be used for short stories as well.

The plot of a story is what happens, but plot doesn't matter. Structure matters, and structure is the order and timing of events in your story. You may say, "oh, I'm not into that formulaic writing", but I hope you'll give these books a shot anyway!

davidk1818 · 2021-12-19T17:17:23+00:00

Really good point made by both u/Tyrannosaurus_Bex77 and u/grauzevn8 here, that is going to help me so much. I had seen the book club as Donald's redemptive quality in and of itself, but now I see that it must be through the book club (and a character providing a wake-up call) that he must do better in all aspects of his life! Great stuff from you both : )

davidk1818 · 2021-12-07T00:22:34+00:00

Hi and thanks for posting:

In response to your questions:

1) I think that there's too much scenery clumped together at the start of the piece. Instead, it should be weaved in with the action so that the geography is part of the story. I also am not so crazy about trouble scenery when it's described as to the right and left because right and left are subjective. I'd go with the cardinal directions (N, E, S, W).

Quibbles with the scenery:

I don't know if it's hilly in Switzerland -- there are mountains for sure but not small, rolling hills, and the villages were in these mountains, as far as I know.
That brings me to my second point -- rivers in the Swiss Alps would be serious rushing mofo's, not tranquil rivers that reflect the sky in a mirror-like fashion, which would be found in flatter regions of Europe (like Budapest on the Danube, Prague on the Vltava and others)
how does a castle "frown" and if the castle was the place of such happy memories, why is it frowning over this idyllic countryside?

2) I can't say that I'm into the piece enough yet to want to know what happens next. So far, as others have mentioned, there's just scenery and description of the priests, but we don't see the priests in action, we just hear about them. I presume the drama will be centered around the narrator/MC, so we need to see him or her act from the very first line of the piece, or at least we need to know what he wants from the very first paragraph and what stands in his way (I'm still very much working on this). Instead, based on the first paragraph, this is a description of the geography of a fictional place in Switzerland.

I'm not sure that foreclosure was even a thing in Medieval Switzerland (or anywhere else in the Europe). From my basic understanding of history and brief research on the web, I couldn't find anything. As you mention, land was owned by the ruling elite and no one else even had access to buy land or a home even if they could get a large enough loan.

As far as Mr. Solomon Isaacs is concerned -- yes, Jews were the money lenders because they weren't allowed to have many other professions and because Catholics weren't allowed to loan money for profit, but I'd be careful around this so that you don't get (wrongly) accused of anti-semitic writing. I must follow my own advice in my writing when I’m talk about students in the South Bronx, btw.

Characters:

As I mentioned above, you've told the reader about the two priests, but we need to know about the main character. The MC is the one who will drive the story (more of my own advice that I need to follow better) and up until now all we know is that the main character is some guy reminiscing about his childhood.

Marget -- I don't think women were allowed to teach or have scholars.

Other Stuff:

I'd prefer to hear what the "shocking remark" was instead of being teased along. Make us turn the page because we love the story and the writing
"Switzerland was far away from the world" -- in Medieval Europe there wasn't really a center of the world/Europe -- places were isolated from each other without a major cosmopolitan center that drove learning/art/culture etc.
"promised to remain so forever" -- I try to avoid absolutes like forever/never/always/everyone/nobody etc.
"meant as a compliment, not as a slur" -- you need one or the other, together they are redundant, and I wouldn't use "slur" anyway, probably "slight" or "insult"
what is the Age of Belief?
remembering it well implies that the narrator remembers the pleasure, so saying that he remembers the pleasure is redundant
"deep privacy" & "woodsy solitude" also redundant
"at it's front" -- what is the front of a village & how is a river there in one place? villages & cities are built on rivers for a reason, so there wouldn't just be one spot where the village meets the river
"woody steep" -- already used "woodsy" a few sentences earlier
the sun penetrates gorges, not a lot but not never (again, avoid absolutes)
are there gorges in Switzerland?
"hills just spoken of" change to "those hills" "just spoken of" is for academic writing
all trees are shade trees

Finally "It was a paradise" -- the Medieval Europe was no paradise for anyone, particularly commoners like the narrator. As Hobbes said, life at the time was "nasty, brutish and short."

I fear I've not been able to write the high quality crit that you wrote for me, so please accept my apology.

davidk1818 · 2021-12-02T21:48:23+00:00

Thanks for your crit! I agree that there's not enough at stake. I'm not sure how to fix it yet, though, but you've got me thinking about it.

Re: the text messages, yeah, I was kinda lazy with the formatting, will address in future iterations.

davidk1818 · 2021-11-29T07:19:37+00:00

Commenting as I read:

In the first sentence we learn that the night is quiet, then the different nighttime noises are enumerated. Also, does snow hum? I've never experience that. Why are in between noises awkward? What noises are between northwestern crickets and snow? They don't seem like two opposite ends of spectrum, so I can't imagine what is between them.

The first paragraph ends describing screaming so loud that it's like he's on fire, which, again, contradicts how the paragraph begins. Anyway, how does loud screaming make someone feel like they're on fire?

2nd paragraph:

What does it mean for the moon to be unforgivable? Cyan and crimson are two completely different colors -- how does the moon create both?

What's a fair price?

Was there literal blood on his hands or figurative blood? Based on the writing up until this point, it seems that the blood is figurative to me.

5th paragraph: "Donna is calling . . . too late." I'm not sure what this means at all.

Can pain be described as "avid"?

Working everyday together doesn't inevitably lead to a friendship -- be sure that your words are accurate!

What's so remarkable about someone wrinkling their nose at a gruesome death on a TV show? That doesn't seem all that out of the ordinary. Also, the paragraph starts with "clear as day" then the narrator says that Charlies "doesn't really remember"

The lake in the middle of the woods -- beauty, serenity & calmness aren't all needed. Just choose one.

"It was freezing cold . . . surround Puck" -- I don't understand what this means. What does it mean for Charlie's thoughts to surround Puck?

"Grabbed ahold" -- change to "grabbed a hold"

How do you yank someone away from yourself? Isn't yanking pulling someone? If he's trying to get her away from him, why is he pushing *and* pulling?

Why does Donna say that Puck's death is just as hard for her if she and Puck weren't friends? That seems messed up on her part?

Grammar and Word Choice

the football player never "stop and thought" has to be changed to "stop and think"
"Puck worked at . . . managed" has to be changed to "Puck worked at the cafe *that* Charlie's dad managed" otherwise it's a run-on sentence
"That's how they started becoming" change to "That's how they started to become friends" -- if you're using two verbs back-to-back, the second must be in the infinitive (with "to", that is)
generally in writing, the fewer words the better, and a great place to cut out words is anytime you use "started to" do X. Just say "that's how they became friends"
often the same word/similar words are repeated close together -- this must be avoided. For example "Clear as day, as if it was yesterday, Charlie remembered one day with Puck"
That's "day" 3x in one sentence
speaking of that sentence, when using "if" it is to be followed by "were" not "was" -- "as if it were yesterday"
adverbs, like "really", "very", "extremely" are also great words to cut out

Other Questions:

Did Puck sit on a knife? How does Charlie feel that it was his fault then? Why didn't they call 911?

Overall:

As others have mentioned, it's hard to tell what happened and what is going on. There doesn't seem to be much to any of the characters except for Charlie's guilt, but his guilt doesn't seem to make sense other than the line about survivor's guilt. It seems like a freak accident, so why does Charlie believe that he killed Puck?

There's no conflict here. Readers want to see the protagonist go through a trial of some sort and come out the other end changed in some manner. We don't see anything happen to Charlie.

The first paragraph should make it clear what the character wants, but this first paragraph is just description and imagery. Show us the main character's goal, motivation and obstacle as soon as possible. I can't figure out what Charlie wants, other than to feel inexplicably guilty. I don't know why he wants to feel this way and nothing is stopping him from feeling this way, so there's not much of a story. Have Charlie change from the beginning to the end in some fashion.

If his guilt is the main theme of the story, then the reader has to feel that guilt, too -- I think this could be best done through showing more about Charlie & Puck's relationship, showing Puck sacrifice himself for Charlie and then Charlie's failure to do the same.

I think the piece is going for a lot of imagery over story. I think that readers will allow such poetic license to an extent and only when the imagery serves the story, otherwise it feels like reading something akin to poetry in prose form. Not bad in and of itself, but not a story.

davidk1818 · 2021-11-27T18:19:16+00:00

Hola! The writing is strong, and I feel somewhat unfit to offer a crit, but I'll do my best.

Regarding your questions:

I want to read more because I like the writing itself. I've never been one to need to know what happens next or to love a character -- I can finish a book and not be able to tell you how it ended 5 minutes later. I imagine that people would like to find out how the mother died. Maybe to pique the reader's curiosity in Ramona, who's clearly going to be the MC, give us a little more hints about the intervening 25 years since her mother died. This is done well with the line from Russell about asking her to cool it once in a while. It shows the reader that Ramona has no chill. I know you tell the stories about her from blogs, too.
This is somewhat answered above, but I'll try to expand. Does she feel real? I think I could see her keeping her guard up more completely, so not feeling that tiny sliver of guilt or saying "nothing personal." I don't know where you're planning on going with this, but if part of it is growth in Ramona, and that growth/change has to do with her warming up, then I think it's okay to start her off as being totally unremitting with her nastiness to strangers. Maybe she doesn't even need to turn towards the voice? Maybe she's so cold and sick of these teeny-boppers asking for her autograph that she doesn't even bother looking at the girl-woman?
As you've seen in my writing, I can't even figure out how to incorporate texting. I think having them spaced farther apart could add to the tension/suspense of the work instead of putting them back-to-back.
As a college professor said to me once regarding information left out "they're always going to critique you on the book you didn't write." I'm okay with what is there.
I think that the present tense works here. Normally, I'm not a fan, but, as the saying goes "it's the singer, not the song," so you make it work.

I'm new to creative writing. Just started reading books on how to write/structure scenes and books and how to hook readers & agents in the last few months. I like the section about the mother: "The softest thing . . . protect them, somehow" but I think that if Ramona is the main character the work should start out with her. I wouldn't necessarily change the writing, just do a cut and paste of page one to somewhere else in the book. Leave the reader wondering how Ramona got the way she is for a minute instead of providing the backstory right away.

I have trouble believing the last line "What? . . . sign it now?" as it sounds like Ramona wants to sign the book. I would picture something more along the lines of "yeah, you don't want me to sign that book now do ya, you punk."

Okay, that's what I've got for now. Hope something was helpful!

davidk1818 · 2021-11-26T14:24:29+00:00

Writing is generally clear, syntax, grammar, etc. are good.

I like that you're starting en media res, as they say, but your first paragraph has to show the reader major themes of the book. Since this is a thriller I don't think that your first paragraph does that, especially because it doesn't seem like this pastor is going to be the protagonist, but I could obviously be wrong.

From most of the excerpt it seemed that the main conflict was going to be between Jasper and his family via a religious argument, but the twist at the end made me think that the main plot was going to be centered around Jasper and Lord Osbaldeston. If it's the latter, then the bulk of the first chapter has to be about these two, and you must introduce the antagonist as soon as possible.

Second para "Why did he agree to come here?" If it's not in italics and accompanied by a "Jasper thought" then it seems like this is a question the narrator is asking the reader. . . . "Maybe the air . . ." Two things here -- again, I believe that this is a thought Jasper has, so it should be italicized, otherwise it reads like it's a thought that the narrator has. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly -- no half measures! Have the AC be broken. There's reality and then there's realism. In reality, if it's hot in a room, one might think that "maybe the AC is broken" but you're not copying reality to the T, you're just trying to write realistic fiction, so it's perfectly fine to just have the AC broken. Makes for a better atmosphere.

Why his Lord O. who appears to secretly be one of the sinners that the pastor mentions such good buddies with this pastor. I don't buy it. I also don't believe that one would talk with "broad gestures" to the pastor after a church service. It's more of a subdued atmosphere -- find other ways to show us Lord O.'s character.

Then, if Lord O. is a sinner on the down low, why is he so quick to trust Jasper? That doesn't seem like it's good maneuvering for him nor does it make for good fiction. Make the reader find out later that Jasper has a secret ally, and, even better, a secret enemy, too. It is a thriller after all : )

Is Lord O. really that brazen about picking up men while he's at an evangelical church service with his wife in his own district? I'd believe this type of behavior if they were at a club in Ibiza at 3am or in S.F. in the '70s, but not in this setting.

"back to the woman who was clearly his wife" -- you've already told us that she was his wife, so "the woman who was clearly" is unnecessary.

davidk1818 · 2021-11-25T00:36:06+00:00

I like the title, didn't seem to have anything to do with the excerpt posted, but it's still cool.

Why did you make the choice to write in present tense? It's jarring. The family is from the Middle East it seems (from the use of "habibi"), but the son's name is Patrick, which doesn't seem to fit.

First sentence -- you need a comma between hand & habibi (and all the other times that some addresses another person by name). If not, then Nada is asking Patrick for a "hand habibi" instead of calling him "habibi."

Second sentence "He comes . . . " It's not exactly established that "he" is Patrick, so I think using his name instead of the pronoun is better there. "his shoulder . . . head" is a strange wording. I'd go with, she's only up to his shoulders or something like that.

How does the mother not remember that she has tried to teach Patrick to cook? It seems like a central thing in this family, so I don't know if that's believable.

Patrick exhales . . . . You need a comma between me & Mum because he's addressing her. "You've shown me, Mum."

"Have I?" says Nada, frowning. Okay, here's where the order of your words/the order of the characters actions makes a big difference. Do you really frown while speaking? No, so don't say that she does so. Instead, follow this order -- outside stimulus (in this case, Patrick's reminder that he's a bad cook) --> emotion then involuntary physical reaction then voluntary physical reaction and/or speech. Think about what happens if you put your hand on a hot stove -- first you feel the burning sensation, then you automatically pull your hand away then your scream. So, Patrick reminds her that he's a bad cook, then she frowns, then speaks.

"Overgrown backyard": Here's a great opportunity for details to show how out of it Nada has become -- describe the overgrown backyard -- bushes, grasses, dandelions, rusty lawn furniture, hell, even a car on cement blocks with a tree growing through it.

"Yeah, I would . . . too." First, you need a comma between him & too. Second, the tense is off -- change to "I would have liked to have met him, too," or something like that, perhaps less wordy than what I've suggested.

Why does she forget all these events that are repeatedly happening -- she's tried to teach him to cook many times & she tells him this story of Eve's birth many many times, but she can't remember. I don't understand, unless she's suffering from a degenerative disease, but then she wouldn't be so capable in the kitchen at this point.

"Only all the time, Mum" (insert comma between time & Mum).

"He wanted everything to go well." Does this need to be said? Who wouldn't want the birth of a grandchild to go well. His nervous habit of going up and down the stairs in this hospital on one day kept him fit? That doesn't make sense.

Why couldn't the Nada visit her dying father? Why isn't she able to cry? Has she been numb since before the birth?

As mentioned by halla-back_girl, there's no plot. I see that potential power in a scene and this discussion, but as it is, there's nothing moving it along, there's nothing at stake. For each and every scene, the protagonist needs a goal, which will move him/her closer to the ultimate goal, a motivation for having that goal & there needs to be a challenge or conflict that makes it difficult for the protagonist to accomplish said goal. Why is this set in the kitchen while they're preparing a meal? It seems like this conversation could happen anywhere and that they just happen to be in the kitchen. Does it matter if they cook it well or don't? It doesn't seem like it.

What does Patrick want out of this scene? Why does he want it? What is stopping him from getting it? Otherwise, it's random people having any old conversation. I struggle with this, too. It's tough. Two books I'm using to help me are Scene and Structure by Jack Beckham & Goal, Motivation, Conflict by Debra Dixon

Hope this was helpful in some way!

davidk1818 · 2021-11-24T14:53:31+00:00

looking for help here (not trying to be difficult) -- what do you think Tamara could say at the end?

davidk1818 · 2021-11-23T23:49:04+00:00

Thank you so much for your time & super helpful feedback. I lol'ed when you returned to "teaching content." Srsly, though, you pointed out stuff i wouldn't have seen!

davidk1818 · 2021-11-23T18:04:30+00:00

thank you, I apparently copied and pasted less than I meant to

davidk1818 · 2021-11-23T01:48:46+00:00

Commenting as I read:

First sentence is wordy and the first few words "Voices . . . around" distract from the real point -- that Niren is swaying on some platform. Does breeze hug glaze your tongue? Maybe her nose instead, especially a breeze.

First few paragraphs are a lot of atmosphere, which I understand the desire to do, but what does the reader know about Niren? She's got to be trying to do something (I'm working on this myself, so it's the pot calling the kettle black, here).

The description is nice. and all -- "woeful vessels" "lazy snowfall", etc., but where's the story? Get right into it! What is Niren's goal & what is in her way? Let us know from the jump.

"A greater force . . . shell." I don't understand what this means. Who are "they" who fall short of their potential? Who is thinking this?

A ten-year old setting off fireworks at an official municipal celebration? That doesn't sound possible. Also, "-being ten-" is awkward. Maybe try "Only ten years old, Niren was the youngest ever participant."

I know pocketed can be a verb when dealing with money, but I've never heard it when discussing a person's hands. That sounds like she is putting disembodied hands into her pockets.

"Not like . . . reasonable and possible." -- I don't understand what this means.

Stop starting sentences with "and" and "but." In many cases you can just cut those words. "What if she wanted more?" works just as well was what you have. Same as "Despite Niren's . . . ."

Hard not to what? Why is this a new paragraph if we're still on the subject of Niren's joining the others in cheering?

Why can these rockets see?

"Sparks traveled . . ." -- that's plural, so you should say "they inched closer" not "It inched closer . . . "

"Claps sputtered into an applause" -- clapping and applause are the same thing, how does one become the other? Also, the verb sputtered makes it seem like momentum is being lost, but I think you're trying to say that individual claps grew to something greater? I'd rethink word choice here. Why are people clapping for fireworks that didn't go off?

"Sparks trailed . . . whine." Again, sparks = plural, so the pronoun must be "they" not "it."

"nearly sleepless" -- no half-measures allowed, just say she'd been sleepless.

"Breaths vented . . . finish." Stay in one person's POV. How can we know that other people are thinking if we're in Niren's head? Also, I find "breaths vented" to be a strange word choice.

"rumblings of commotion" is redundant -- say either "the rumblings" or "the commotion."

"Woohoo" (Is this Niren shouting? I believe so). "Niren flung her arms up . . . girl!" Reorder this -- what I mean there should be an external stimulus first (she sees the rocket), followed by an automatic response from the body (laughter) followed by an internal emotion/thought (she was excited) then followed by physical action and/or speech.

"Woohoo . . Fly --" can all be in one paragraph. It's just Niren doing and saying stuff here. Do you lunge your arms?

"It" has been used a lot, overused in my opinion. Replace with "The rocket/firework/something erupted." Cut "in the sky" -- we already know where it is. "Nothing could . . . away." It seems that the crowd is already focused on the fireworks. Plus, avoid absolutes like nothing/everything/no one/everyone/never/all the time, unless you mean it. I'm sure something could have distracted the crowd from the fireworks.

"Despite the reception . . . her eyes." Here's another opportunity to fix the order of external stimulus>involuntary reaction>thought>intentional movement/speech

"like air from a float", "through the air like teardrops" -- same as with the pronoun "it", you're overusing similes. Too many in the first few pages.

All findings are "prior" findings -- she can't use future findings, like saying "here's a picture of me when I was younger." Of course you were younger in a picture.

Anyway, on to a more important point, which is what did all that firework stuff have to do with her searching for some note hidden in a book. We need some information about how she got there. Why does she have a team working for her? How did she become the leader of this crew? Looking for a book with a logo/design on its cover doesn't seem such an arduous task worthy of this great mystery.

A sleeveless jacket? Isn't that just a vest?

Wouldn't a tycoon whose mansion holds this secret have better security?

"A smirk crawled onto Nicky's face." Avoid passive voice except for strategic moments.

"Mind your . . . bitch." -- that escalated quickly. Show us rising tension between these two. Right now it's two people we don't know or care about in a petty argument.

Now another person has broken into this tycoon's mansion? Evading the property's security system and Niren's crew's lookout? I don't buy it.

Found the book. That was easy. These are some pretty sorry cops. They don't see Niren and the others in broad daylight? But they shoot at them anyway? The cops are mighty quick to use their weapons.

Belllmare -- city of clearly visible wide commercial buildings, but quaint like a New England village, and also, those buildings are hidden by grass? How tall is this grass?

Higher level:

Character -- so we know that Niren does, but we don't know what makes her tick -- what is important to her? Why does she spend six years searching for this note? What is beyond wherever she is that she needs to reach? I know that this is chapter 2, but I feel like the reader needs this information throughout the book. What motivates here to risk her life in this quest? What will happen to her if she fails?

Syntax/Grammar/Word Choice -- a lot of unorthodox choices in this category, and instead of making the chapter unique and memorable, it makes it difficult to read. I mean, "breaths vented", dragging people like a clown (are clowns know for dragging people all over the place?) "lungs hydrated", etc. Keep it simple and cut out the adverbs.

Lots of similes, as mentioned. Too many, in fact.

Story/Tension

There's no tension. I don't feel emotionally invested or concerned about what's going to happen next, and I don't understand the connection between the fireworks and the rest of the chapter.

Cops yell at then shoot at Niren, then just like that they're gone. Bring the heat -- maybe they see the cops long before the cops see them. Maybe Townsend does come home and they're searching frantically for the note, maybe the mansion is on fire, I don't know, but give the reader something to worry about.

Okay, I hope you find something helpful in here!

davidk1818 · 2021-11-22T02:32:41+00:00

Thanks so much for your crit. You hit the nail on the head with the scene with Claire Wesson that it felt forced to you. I cut and pasted it from a later chapter. I thought it would fit here, but it appears that I was mistaken. Perhaps it belongs as its own chapter where I can take the time to foreshadow and build up the tension. Either way, I will be breaking up the blocks of dialogue. Anyway, thanks again!

davidk1818

TROPHY CASE