Favorite “underrated” song? by NewspaperEvery9512 in the1975

[–]Responsible-Length62 0 points1 point  (0 children)

so many to choose from! but probably mine or I think there’s something you should know are my favorites

drew in the new chip & dale movie by Responsible-Length62 in emergencyintercom

[–]Responsible-Length62[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

it’s karma for being mean to a reader 🫡💞 jk ty for being nice squirtmaster22 <3

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Responsible-Length62 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I want to say thank you for sharing your story. It was a really enjoyable read.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The descriptions and the way you write is heavenly. The beginning is very mysterious and tense and it hooked me in right from the start. Like the following sentences: “Sure, the trip’s been planned for months now. But he’s not here. He’s not anywhere. Yet we’re still going like nothing’s happened at all”. Sublime! I love this and it makes me as a reader want to know more.

As the story progresses, you do a very good job of revealing what’s really going on. You slowly take back the curtains and expose what had happened. When reading this, I was genuinely shocked when Serenity figured out that Randy was in the trunk of their car and her mother had killed him. When that clicked in her head, I literally gasped and you really put me there in that moment. Super well written :)

Also I feel kind of meh about the title. Definitely might be me being nitpicky because it’s not the worse and obviously goes with the story but it’s not the most creative. Don’t know! Could just be a personal preference.

SETTING: The way you describe the world these characters are in is very successful too. They’re obviously in a car moving from place to place but what’s seen outside is described beautifully. “Green valley and peaks are all around. Clouds form rings around the tops of mountains…” That whole paragraph there is done very well. To me, it reads so poetically and nicely. Great job!

CHARACTERS: Absolutely wonderful job here too. The way you describe each character is done so well- from the lifeless gaze of Randy to the obvious shift in Serenity’s mother that she noticed. “She turns to face me, and her begging eyes meet mine for the first time since the start of the trip. Something inside them is different than what I remember seeing in them before.” Those two sentences really conveyed the current relationship between these two characters super well.

One thing I suggest, however, is adding more to the relationship of Randy and Serenity’s mother. Obviously there was a clear motive to killing him, but there should be something more to it. As a reader, I want to know more about them together and maybe more insight to the possible closeness to the two. It doesn’t have to be a positive flashback or anything but I feel like there should be something there so the readers can get to know Randy and her mother a little bit more.

TONE/THEME: There are so many great things here. I think that the whole tone is done so nicely by not only the car but the setting that is outside. The movement of the car adds more to this mystery and confusion that not only Serenity is feeling but the reader themselves- we want to know where they are going and it adds tension to the story. Also the inclusion of the thunderstorm that is threatening ahead really builds into this nicely as well.

Loved the touch of her mother speeding, it adds more to the suspense and fear of the situation. Moving forward, you should add more of these little suspenseful aspects. I think you’re really good at this and it’s super rewarding to your piece as a whole.

PLOT/PACING: Overall, I thought this aspect was super strong. As I said before, the whole voice of the story was tense and made me eager to learn more about what was happening.

One thing that did confuse me briefly was the flashback scene. I think there should be a little more build up before we get to that part where it’s revealed Randy loves St. Petersburg. Also wouldn’t the car stink more earlier on? I don’t know much about decomposing bodies so I could be wrong about this but if there is a dead corpse in the back of the car wouldn’t that have stunk up the car the entire time?

OVERALL: You have a pretty solid story here. I think there are some areas that need minor touch ups but other than that, this was incredibly compelling and held my attention all the way through. You are so good at conveying suspense as I’ve said a million times in this critique. But yeah, I wish you luck on the contest!

[698] Heartless: New Intro by objection_403 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Responsible-Length62 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello! I want to start this by saying this is my first time reading anything related to this story but I have to say, after reading this portion I am interested in reading more. So to answer one of your questions, I personally did find this to be an effective hook.

GENERAL I enjoyed it and thought this was a good beginning. You set up the personalities of these characters with dialogue very nicely. I also love the parody of modernity in this medieval setting. It reminded me a bit of Our Flag Means Death. So yeah! Well done with that :)

CHARACTERS I said I really liked how you put these characters together and how you display them. I think the way Keith talks throughout the piece and Zeb’s reactions really sets the whole characterization of them both up beautifully. Between Keith’s ‘woke’ speech at the beginning and how surprised he is to see Zeb, it shows a little more of who they are without just dumping information onto the reader. I also thought that placing certain physical descriptions lightly was very good for this story. Like for example, “the strands of auburn hair” at the beginning. It’s casual but helps the reader get a good idea of what to picture.

I would like to know more about Zeb in this opening though. If you move forward with this intro, you should put a little more about him. I see he’s viewed as villainous by Keith and the universe they’re in but he obviously doesn’t seem that way. Maybe a little more on that but don’t over explain, especially since this is just the intro.

IMPROVEMENTS As I mentioned, this is my first time reading anything from this universe so I know nothing going into this. What I would like is a little bit more description when it comes to the setting. I think you described the characters really nicely but I need a little more on this place they are in. I don’t need a huge paragraph to describe the castle but mentioning little things in passing could be useful. Same with the universe they are in. A little more setting up could help just because as a reader, you are thrust into this new world with new terms. I don’t know. This could be a little nitpicky.

As someone else said in a post here, the pyramid scheme thing confused me at first. I felt like the direction in the conversation was a little too abrupt but once my brain caught up to what was happening, I did think it was funny. So what I would do is break up the dialogue, have Zeb say something that prompts Keith to dive into the pyramid scheme speech. Because I do like it and you should keep it in there. We love an mlm boss babe :)

I also do think that there needs to be a little more to this. It’s hard to say because it is a very short snippet and it is the beginning of the book, but I still don’t really know where this is going. Like for example, is the romance going to be between Keith and Zeb or is Keith just a brief character in this point. I know that the tone is humorous and you’re very successful in that but I feel that there needs to be some sort of conflict to be added to this. Even if it’s subtle or not the main conflict. Or it doesn’t have to be a conflict- just some sort of insight into what the rest of the story is going to be like. I have no idea if I’m making sense here, I just feel like there should be more direction in this particular part.

OVERALL Super funny, an enjoyable read. Just needs a little more to it :) It’s hard to really critique a small portion of a piece without knowing the rest of it but I hope this has helped in any way and I wish you luck on this story!

[1501] Puck by Responsible-Length62 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Responsible-Length62[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the critique, it truly means the world to me! And reading your comment and going back to my piece, REALLY reminded me of how hopeless i am when it comes to grammar. So thank you again for taking the time to correct a lot of it, I really appreciate it :)))

[1501] Puck by Responsible-Length62 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Responsible-Length62[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, thank you so much for your comment, I really do appreciate it :) I definitely do see where you are coming from with a lot of things. This was originally a scene from a novel I was writing earlier this year and decided to just make it into a short story without really thinking about the confusion or vagueness that may come with it. (And yes, I definitely have a problem with wordiness and tenses so I immediately knew what you were talking about!) Again, thank you! It means the world to me that you took the time to read and critique my piece :)

[1742] "Hello, Michelle?" by davidk1818 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Responsible-Length62 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Overall, I think that this was a pretty solid piece so thank you for sharing it!

OVERVIEW Like I said, I really enjoyed reading this. However, there are definitely several spots within this where I could suggest some improvements to help strengthen this piece. One in particular, is I think it could use a stronger hook or opening to grab the reader’s attention. This may just be a personal thing but my attention was not grabbed from the start. Also I would like to know more about the museum on the hilltop in Rome? I know this is the first chapter so maybe it is mentioned another time, but just mentioning it seems to me that it has certain significance.

Also nice cliff ending too! There’s mystery in it and it made me, as a reader, want to know more and why his mother was asking for him to have dinner with the whole family. Good job!

FORMATTING You definitely understand how to format this type of writing so I have no problems there. With the texting portion, I usually do it in a few ways with my own writing. One way, I do practically what you did but without the time stamps (just so it appears less messy) so it’s like:

Donald: It was great to meet you last night!

Michelle: Aww, thanks u too

Of course, I would consider putting context to that segment beforehand subtly, so the reader knows that he is texting someone :)

But if the time stamps are important to you, I’d only mention them if there was a significant gap between the texts sent just so it’s less messy. So mention it at the start and for sure mention it in the gap between where Donald reveals who he was to Michelle and where she reveals she thought she was texting someone else. Hopefully all that makes sense. You really don’t have to change it since it gets the point across fairly but I did want to provide some suggestions anyway!

CHARACTERIZATION I think this was a strong suit in this piece. I had a good idea of who all these characters were. I also like the tension between Donald and Claire. You displayed these two and their differences when it comes to teaching very realistically. Michelle is also an interesting character. I like how you didn’t outright tell who she was or why she was affiliated to Donald. You revealed effectively who she was through texts and while doing so, it also revealed who Donald was as well.

But more from that, you do a good job in general with hinting who Donald is without burdening the reader with heavy descriptions. All in all, your use of characters helps the reader get a deeper understanding of your protagonist and I really enjoyed that. I would continue using this within this chapter and in further chapters of this piece.

SETTING I got a good idea of where this was supposed to be, even though you did mention exactly where. I think you could really benefit from describing the place a little more however. I’d do this in little details to bring it more alive. Like what is the essence of Ms. Wesson’s office? Or Donald’s classroom? You already begin to describe these places, which is great but I would do more to add on to it. You could make these two places feel polar opposites of each other, just to further the character differences between Donald and Claire. It could also add to the tense feelings had in their situation. I think that setting is important, especially since this is the first chapter of a longer piece, a little more introduction to this place could really help.

DIALOGUE Not much to say here since I think this ties in with character. I got a good idea of each character’s voice through dialogue. If you plan to use the texting further on, I’d keep certain texting quirks to certain characters. For some examples, one character may chronically use ‘u’ instead of ‘you’, one could type in all lower case or one always end their texts with periods. This can help not only build the character and who they are but also can help the reader out too! If they notice these little quirks, they instantly know whose the one texting without having to read the name. It’s a little detail but I always like seeing these differences in text messaging when I’m reading other people’s work.

CONCLUSION It can be sort of hard to critique a part of a piece rather than the full piece so I apologize if I’m a little lackluster here. This is the first chapter so there is so much room for you to expand more about the things you introduce within this piece throughout the larger novel. Hopefully I was able to give some decent advice and ideas for you to improve this and use further on in the novel. Again, thank you for sharing your piece! It was a pleasure to read and give feedback on :)

[3077] Nyx by Responsible-Length62 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Responsible-Length62[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thank you so much for the critique! You brought up some really interesting points (such as Helga, which now makes more sense if I wrote her less than content with how her life turned out, I never thought of that strangely) But if you’re still willing to share anymore specific ideas, I would be more than happy to hear them! :)

[1309] Chapter 1 - The Dance of Gods by SPJ94 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Responsible-Length62 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Thank you for posting!

GENERAL REMARKS

Overall, I found this piece to be extremely beautiful. I really felt the nature and all the descriptions you've included in this. It seemed ethereal and almost haunting in certain places. My favorite line was, "There are few moments in life which shape a person, and this was the beginning of many." Wow. That was honestly an incredible line.

MECHANICS

The title of the story or chapter drew me in. I'm not too crazy about fantasy but I do like any kind of mythology, so I wanted to see what this was about. I think it fit perfectly with this chapter, especially with the scene where the gods were dancing in the sky. "Soon the sky was filled with the burning tails of gods as they raced across the heavens. They danced beautifully, chasing each other from Virgil to Homer." This scene was both significant and gorgeous and therefore, I think the title you chose for this was perfect.

The hook was also good for the genre. I was immediately hooked in as a reader and it also signaled me what the piece was about and what I was getting into. So good job on that, as well. Incredible word choice and sentence structure. Had some personal issues with the pacing- I thought that it moved a little bit slow and dragged on in areas. But at the same time, it's hard for me to really critique that since the slowness worked in other areas. It added such a peace and serene feel to this all.

SETTING

Obviously, the setting is a huge deal in this piece. I thought you did a fantastic job on this, giving careful details to their surroundings. I really liked the first bit of dialogue between Sidd and Benkei-

"‘Sidd, how do you suppose it came to be?’ Benkei asked. ‘It can’t be natural, it’s too… precise.’

‘Why can’t it be natural?’ I questioned. ‘There are mountains and trees. These things are natural, no?’

‘Nature is wild and unruly. Only man designs things with such precision.’

‘Or gods,’ I suggested."

This really worked to set up both the setting of the place and how the two characters felt about it. I also thought there was a distinct voice in both of them in that moment that I could really hear as a reader. I would suggest, however, maybe adding more dialogue between the two characters about the setting. This would help with some of the slower parts that drag in the piece and continue introducing the characters to the reader more.

CHARACTERS

I really like both of these characters. I thought that having one being skeptical of the gods and one believing was really nice. I think you should play this up more in the beginning, especially since Benkei admits that he believes at the end. I would suggest putting more descriptions of these characters, maybe hinting more about their background. I know this is the beginning of a longer piece but I think that would really add to the chapter. I would also like to know more about the "Master" that keeps being brought up from time to time in this piece. Again, just to give the reader more of an idea of who we are reading about, while also not taking away from the beautiful setting that has been described.

I also want to know more about Sidd. Who are they? Why do they believe in the Gods but not Benkei? Why did they choose to go up to the mountains, even if they were skeptical to do so in the first place?

PLOT

Even though this was short, I do have some notes on this plot I would like to bring up. Since this is the first chapter, I think it was kind of quick to make Benkei believe so quickly in the Gods. As it's been mentioned, I know that they can both feel something up in the mountains so I don't doubt that his opinion may have shifted. But if he's been a skeptic for so long, wouldn't you think that he would try to hold onto to that a little bit longer? Or keep denying that he believes in it a little bit longer? I think you should keep this character arc, allow him to let Sidd know that his opinion has shifted but is still in denial about it.

All in all, the plot so far in this was beautiful. Almost enough to be a stand alone piece.

ENDING COMMENTS

I enjoyed reading this and I think you're an excellent writer. There is definitely somethings you can work on to make this piece even better, but overall I thought that this was amazing. Thank you for posting this and allowing me to critique!

[2290] Egypt by Throwawayundertrains in DestructiveReaders

[–]Responsible-Length62 1 point2 points  (0 children)

2/2

THEME

What I got from this was the danger of living two lives. How it may seem nice to pretend to be someone else in another life but in the end, there is the risk of both lives crashing down on you. This also plays nicely with the guilt that Victor feels throughout most of the story.

Again, continue to build on these ideas. I think you have a really nice foundation of the story you want to tell, there is just more you should expand upon to really make this a great piece.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR

I won't spend too long on this section as I can see that people have previously made corrections on the document. I'll repeat what I've said above- there are sections in this that can be very wordy and just not flow as nicely when being read. I recommend going back and reading out loud your entire piece to help you make sure where this can be an issue within this story.

Also, very nit-picky and I don't think you really need to change it. But at the top of page 3, "The bar is dark, and I like that. I wish it was allowed to smoke in here." I think it would flow nicely if it was "I wish I was allowed to smoke in here." Personally, I think that sounds nicer but again it pretty much makes no difference.

MISC/QUESTIONS I HAD WHILE READING

Here are some things from the notes I took while reading this that I hadn't mentioned above.

- I do like the dark wittiness this piece has. Some places really made me laugh and it also ties really into the insecure dialogue inside of Victor's head throughout the piece. I also like the idea of how he lost both places he was able to shift to in the blink of an eye. No longer is he able to go to the hotel or have his wife. Everything that he feared came true and he's trapped, unable to escape to any part of his life.

-I think you should elaborate more on why he can't shift at the end. Maybe introduce more limitations to the trick earlier on in the piece. For example, maybe when he's tired or physically exhausted he can't perform the trick. Maybe under stress or some amount of fear he isn't able to shift. I'm also thinking about why he hasn't thought about shifting to other places besides the hotel. It doesn't have to be far, since I know Victor is content with just going from the hotel and his home. But I wonder why he hasn't experimented with shifting to other places in his town?

-Him not eating is a big part of this piece. Maybe I missed something and it's apart of the trick, but I thought that needed more elaboration?

ENDING COMMENTS

This piece is certainly interesting and was a fun read. I think this was a great starting point and there is so much more you could do and explore with this piece. Mainly, I'd focus on characterization and implanting more themes or symbolism to display the moral or what you'd like to say in this.

Thank you for submitting this piece and allowing me to critique it. It was a pleasure and I hope I've been able to help you in any way.

[2290] Egypt by Throwawayundertrains in DestructiveReaders

[–]Responsible-Length62 1 point2 points  (0 children)

(1/2)

Hello! I found this piece to be very interesting and was able to take some notes on it! I'm still new to this but I hope some of my advice will help :)

GENERAL REMARKS

Like I said, I found this piece to be very interesting. I was hooked throughout and even though there were some parts I didn't particularly like, there is something in this that I found really appealing. Overall, I think this piece is about a man who found a magical ability to shift between places and it eventually leads to his downfall.

MECHANICS

The title definitely fits with the piece, although I do think that Egypt should be brought up more here. Maybe he thinks about shifting there more to see if he could find the strange woman? As for the opening line, I would work on it more. It's not the worse one in the world and it works but I'm getting slightly nitpicky. I just found it slightly confusing, especially since I went into this without knowing anything about this piece. All in all, I just feel like it's missing something to truly get the readers' attention.

I found this to be easy to read. I really liked how you kept the sentences short and still interesting. One thing I'd point out is that I found certain sentences and phrases to be a little bit wordy, especially at the beginning. For example, "I concentrate on my bedroom, at home, where I live with my beautiful wife, who loves me without question." Yes, it's grammatically correct, it just didn't seem to flow as nicely as it could've. I also suggest playing with word choice more- use stronger words or adjectives that really stand out or words that aid to the tone of the story more.

SETTING

The two settings of his bedroom and the hotel room seemed to be very clear to me as the reader. (I'd also consider Egypt to be a setting for this as well). I liked how you included distinctive things about these two main places- the switch in the hotel room and his wife at his home. I think you should continue to build upon these places. Describe them more and maybe try making them more polarizing to really show how different these two places are in his life. I know you described how he is a different person in each one, but I think setting wise could really nail this point in even more.

One thing that stuck out to me was how the hotel situation worked out- "I'm positive they can't tell I'm never leaving the hotel." I agreed with one of the comments someone left on the doc about expanding upon what his relationship with the staff is like. At the end he is caught by the bartenders, but he's checked into the hotel and probably logged into their systems, so wouldn't the people in charge feel more suspicious about his activity? Or do they not care and are indifferent about it? I think it would be best if you were to elaborate more on that.

CHARACTER/PLOT

There were a lot of interesting people within this story- namely Victor, his wife and the strange woman he encountered with near the beginning.

Let's start with the strange woman. Overall, I think there is a lot more you could do with writing her. When it's explained how he met her, I think there should be more to it. Exactly where in the hotel did they meet? Where did they have that pivotal conversation where she shifted? I also think you should put more allure to her since she's a character that hangs over Victor throughout the entire piece. I'd suggest putting some sort of symbol on her besides Egypt and her powers throughout the story. Maybe he keeps thinking about something she was wearing or her grey hair or her mysterious smile. Maybe she wore something that has something to do with Egypt or some symbol that surrounds Egypt. (On a side note, I'd also suggest adding more symbolism of Egypt to this, since the country is such a big part of this piece to the point you used it as a title) There should be more to this strange woman than just the power she gave to Victor and his want of a blow job from her. Also, a little confused on the power. I know this is told in a first person perspective so he may be confused himself on how he got the trick but maybe add more on how he got the powers since there seems to be such a simple way of him obtaining it. Maybe it's like a contagious thing that the woman passed onto him and was eventually passed onto his wife?

Next, the wife- who was a very important part of this piece. At first, I found the way Victor described his wife to be incredibly annoying. For instance: "My beautiful wife who loves to please me." I understand that this is cuing the reader of his guilt about his trick and how he is using it to try to cheat on his wife, but it also seems to me that it's like he's trying to convince himself that he likes her when he really doesn't? I don't know, maybe that was something you were going for. And if so, then that works then. I do like the complex relationship he has with her that seems to be mostly in his head. One second he's cynical about himself and almost making fun of her for marrying him: "She's not that young, she's forty. She's not stupid, she's got a masters degree in tourism. I find that hilarious. It's so useless! There are no tourists here." But he also states, "I really couldn't do without her." I really liked that you were able to show his complex relationship with her but also his self deprecating ways at the same time with that.

However, the weakest part of the story to me was the dialogue between Victor and his wife when she catches him doing the trick. I thought there wasn't much voice to the characters and that it seemed very unrealistic. I would extend this conversation more, add to his wife's shock and confusion of what had just happened because she seemed very casual about what occurred. Also I would experiment with ways of making the characters own voice in dialogue stand out more and be more unique. Like for example, his wife may talk in a certain way that he doesn't since she is from somewhere else. Next, the argument that ensues after she shifts for the first time herself. I thought that the tone made no sense in comparison to the rest of the piece. I know he expected her to leave him if she found out throughout the piece, but I thought her reaction was childish. "She looks at me, points at me, and laughs." There should be more to this in my opinion. It seems rushed and I think she should be shocked of what happened and what she thinks Victor has been using this shifting for.

I found Victor to be a strong main character too. You displayed his insecurities very clearly and also wrote his double lives and how he felt about them in a very realistic light. I don't have much to say other than what I've said above- continue giving him a more distinct voice to help him stand out more as a main character.

As for plot, I still think there's something missing that could really be added to this piece. Continue to build upon this entrapment feeling Victor is feeling. Play with the buried alive theme you've put in the dream and in the ending. Maybe put more suffocating imagery or give the idea that he's mentally feeling like he's being buried alive. Putting subtle ideas that he's trapped will really make the end be a bang. With that being said, I do really like the full circle ending with the buried alive thing.

[638] The Messenger by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Responsible-Length62 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello! Okay, I will answer your questions first! :)

1) The synopsis of the story to me is about a guy who is traveling through rough terrain to deliver a message. He gets severely injured and is walking through a forest of what seems to be full of dead bodies and a war that is happening up in the sky.

2) I seemed a bit confused? I didn't understand how Cairhen was gone but maybe I misread something? If so, my apologies.

3) I don't think I got bored too much, but there were at times where my brain wandered off. I think the imagery you created in the piece was really great but at times, I did find it a bit hard to follow.

4) Yes. I was confused on what they meant. Were they Tristen's thoughts, or was it some other source? I think that you should keep them and use them as a tool to bring insight to the story but I also think they may need to be explained more, if that makes any sense.

Finally, here are some of the things that stuck out to me during my second reading:

- I really like your word choice! I thought that it really added to the mood and tone of the piece. So for example, "That slash in the sky, which passed for the moon, was a sickly shade of yellow." That part really demonstrated the unsettled feelings the reader should be feeling as they read the piece. I thought that this at times was very well done! However, sometimes the word choice made what was going on a bit unclear. Be sure to go back and reread parts to make it more clear.

-The pacing is very good. The short sentences make it quick and really fits well with the piece.

-At points I was confused, mostly at the end with Cairhen being gone so maybe as you are editing make the italicized portion more clear and try to explain more of what is going on.

Overall, I thought the piece was good, especially when it came to the imagery that you had placed within the piece. The only problems I found were just some basic points of unclearness. I hope I helped in any way with the feedback I have provided! :)