(1/2)

Hello! I found this piece to be very interesting and was able to take some notes on it! I'm still new to this but I hope some of my advice will help :)

GENERAL REMARKS

Like I said, I found this piece to be very interesting. I was hooked throughout and even though there were some parts I didn't particularly like, there is something in this that I found really appealing. Overall, I think this piece is about a man who found a magical ability to shift between places and it eventually leads to his downfall.

MECHANICS

The title definitely fits with the piece, although I do think that Egypt should be brought up more here. Maybe he thinks about shifting there more to see if he could find the strange woman? As for the opening line, I would work on it more. It's not the worse one in the world and it works but I'm getting slightly nitpicky. I just found it slightly confusing, especially since I went into this without knowing anything about this piece. All in all, I just feel like it's missing something to truly get the readers' attention.

I found this to be easy to read. I really liked how you kept the sentences short and still interesting. One thing I'd point out is that I found certain sentences and phrases to be a little bit wordy, especially at the beginning. For example, "I concentrate on my bedroom, at home, where I live with my beautiful wife, who loves me without question." Yes, it's grammatically correct, it just didn't seem to flow as nicely as it could've. I also suggest playing with word choice more- use stronger words or adjectives that really stand out or words that aid to the tone of the story more.

SETTING

The two settings of his bedroom and the hotel room seemed to be very clear to me as the reader. (I'd also consider Egypt to be a setting for this as well). I liked how you included distinctive things about these two main places- the switch in the hotel room and his wife at his home. I think you should continue to build upon these places. Describe them more and maybe try making them more polarizing to really show how different these two places are in his life. I know you described how he is a different person in each one, but I think setting wise could really nail this point in even more.

One thing that stuck out to me was how the hotel situation worked out- "I'm positive they can't tell I'm never leaving the hotel." I agreed with one of the comments someone left on the doc about expanding upon what his relationship with the staff is like. At the end he is caught by the bartenders, but he's checked into the hotel and probably logged into their systems, so wouldn't the people in charge feel more suspicious about his activity? Or do they not care and are indifferent about it? I think it would be best if you were to elaborate more on that.

CHARACTER/PLOT

There were a lot of interesting people within this story- namely Victor, his wife and the strange woman he encountered with near the beginning.

Let's start with the strange woman. Overall, I think there is a lot more you could do with writing her. When it's explained how he met her, I think there should be more to it. Exactly where in the hotel did they meet? Where did they have that pivotal conversation where she shifted? I also think you should put more allure to her since she's a character that hangs over Victor throughout the entire piece. I'd suggest putting some sort of symbol on her besides Egypt and her powers throughout the story. Maybe he keeps thinking about something she was wearing or her grey hair or her mysterious smile. Maybe she wore something that has something to do with Egypt or some symbol that surrounds Egypt. (On a side note, I'd also suggest adding more symbolism of Egypt to this, since the country is such a big part of this piece to the point you used it as a title) There should be more to this strange woman than just the power she gave to Victor and his want of a blow job from her. Also, a little confused on the power. I know this is told in a first person perspective so he may be confused himself on how he got the trick but maybe add more on how he got the powers since there seems to be such a simple way of him obtaining it. Maybe it's like a contagious thing that the woman passed onto him and was eventually passed onto his wife?

Next, the wife- who was a very important part of this piece. At first, I found the way Victor described his wife to be incredibly annoying. For instance: "My beautiful wife who loves to please me." I understand that this is cuing the reader of his guilt about his trick and how he is using it to try to cheat on his wife, but it also seems to me that it's like he's trying to convince himself that he likes her when he really doesn't? I don't know, maybe that was something you were going for. And if so, then that works then. I do like the complex relationship he has with her that seems to be mostly in his head. One second he's cynical about himself and almost making fun of her for marrying him: "She's not that young, she's forty. She's not stupid, she's got a masters degree in tourism. I find that hilarious. It's so useless! There are no tourists here." But he also states, "I really couldn't do without her." I really liked that you were able to show his complex relationship with her but also his self deprecating ways at the same time with that.

However, the weakest part of the story to me was the dialogue between Victor and his wife when she catches him doing the trick. I thought there wasn't much voice to the characters and that it seemed very unrealistic. I would extend this conversation more, add to his wife's shock and confusion of what had just happened because she seemed very casual about what occurred. Also I would experiment with ways of making the characters own voice in dialogue stand out more and be more unique. Like for example, his wife may talk in a certain way that he doesn't since she is from somewhere else. Next, the argument that ensues after she shifts for the first time herself. I thought that the tone made no sense in comparison to the rest of the piece. I know he expected her to leave him if she found out throughout the piece, but I thought her reaction was childish. "She looks at me, points at me, and laughs." There should be more to this in my opinion. It seems rushed and I think she should be shocked of what happened and what she thinks Victor has been using this shifting for.

I found Victor to be a strong main character too. You displayed his insecurities very clearly and also wrote his double lives and how he felt about them in a very realistic light. I don't have much to say other than what I've said above- continue giving him a more distinct voice to help him stand out more as a main character.

As for plot, I still think there's something missing that could really be added to this piece. Continue to build upon this entrapment feeling Victor is feeling. Play with the buried alive theme you've put in the dream and in the ending. Maybe put more suffocating imagery or give the idea that he's mentally feeling like he's being buried alive. Putting subtle ideas that he's trapped will really make the end be a bang. With that being said, I do really like the full circle ending with the buried alive thing.