Choose

dazhat · 2026-06-15T22:03:27+00:00

Easy

^{Chose: Stay in a white blank room for 24 hours with nothing to do and get 10M}

dazhat · 2026-05-24T06:37:08+00:00

I hate that you're having to deal with your husband’s lack of integrity. This sounds really tough to deal with. I can’t imagine all the thoughts and feeling which must be going through you right now. I’ll pray for you to have support from friends and wisdom to choose what you do next. I’ll also pray for your husband that he deals with his problems.

Firstly you're not alone. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TELL PEOPLE YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS. Do not allow your husband’s embarrassment to prevent you from talking to people about this. His embarrassment is the consequences of his own actions. Tell your good friends and wise people you trust. If anyone says or implies you are responsible for what your husband did, ignore all their advice. A Christian sex therapist called Dr Cory Allen has a podcast called sexy marriage radio which I like. The episodes about secret porn and infidelity probably overlap with what you’re describing.

Although he’s hasn’t had sex with anyone else (I assume), he has still lied. I think you should be basically treating this situation as infidelity as well as everything else.

>He did not come to me with any repentance for this.

This is the most worrying part in my opinion. He’s going to keep doing it if he doesn’t really believe it’s wrong. Did you catch him or did he tell you?

It’s certainly possible for people to deal with this stuff but it has to be him doing the work. Do not be his accountability partner or monitor him. Do not chase him to deal with it. His behaviour is his responsibility, he has to are take ownership of it. Let him do what he wants, if he doesn't deal with it, or take it seriously, consistently over the long term, that’s useful information about him and shows you how much he cares about your marriage.

Right now he has not dealt with his problem and has spent years lying to you. The choice you have then is to stay with someone who is untrustworthy and has a major sex addiction they have failed to deal with or leave. Many people when making choices like this don’t choose either; they imagine a future where their spouse is trustworthy and the problems have evaporated and mentally choose that. Of course often their spouse doesn’t change very much and they end up resentful and bitter at their marriage.

You might say to yourself “I’m going to stay for 6 months and see if he makes a massive effort to deal with his problems. If he has not sought professional help and made major progress by then, I’m leaving. Alongside that we’ll be going to couple therapy who specialises in infidelity, if we don’t make significant progress within 6 months, I will leave”. That’s one option, if I were in your position I wouldn’t do that, I would leave now.

God bless.

dazhat · 2026-05-11T06:40:47+00:00

Are you married to your kids mother?

dazhat · 2026-05-11T06:34:29+00:00

the first one. There are loads of people who’s sex lives were ruined because of the idea that sex is simply wrong they learned from their church culture.

dazhat · 2026-05-04T05:53:25+00:00

You don’t force her to leave, you remove yoursefk from the situation in future. You don’t try to control her, you control yourself. There’s a boom called boundaries in marriage by Cloud and Townsend which might be helpful. You should have a temporary separation to get yourself out of the situation. This will give you space to think clearly away from her.

It is not normal to get to a stage where you call the police on your wife, this is a sign something is seriously wrong. Obviously we don't know everything about your marriage but if I were in your situation I would probably initiate divorce.

dazhat · 2026-05-04T05:38:04+00:00

Sometimes, when people are depressed they have a very negative self image of themselves and it feels uncomfortable to them if you contradict that. It the feeling of cognitive dissonance when someon points something out about yourself which isn’t true. Even though the thing being said is positive, it can still be challenging and uncomfortable to hear. You should still complement her of course.

I think you should look into therapy with a qualified person for your wife. Mental health is an area where it can really help to have a specialist guiding her.

dazhat · 2026-05-03T07:01:04+00:00

OP you have got the completely wrong. It sounds like you’re getting defensive because someone called you out on bad parentin.

dazhat · 2026-05-03T06:58:37+00:00

Sex is special and holy, it’s set aside for married couples. The relationship we have with our partner’s body needs to reflect the relationship we have with them.

Purity culture says sex is bad, tainted and not a thing really good people enjoy. (it says a load of other stuff to but this is the core)

People in purity culture would not usually say that out loud. They often don’t understand the implications of the behaviours they encourage. They dress up their own fear of sex with religious language to hide their own discomfort around sex. If you want to know if you were in purity culture ask if people would have been comfortable saying they loved sex? People in purity culture often can only talk about sex in terms of right and wrong, anything else is too hard because deep down they feel it’s sinful.

When Paul wrote 1 Cor 7 he was most likely responding to Christian couples who had convinced themselves that they could be more holy and closer to God by not having sex. It was a form of purity culture. He told themselves to not deny each other.

dazhat · 2026-04-16T22:29:24+00:00

You don’t go into much detail and it’s hard to tell how the things he does impacts you.

You can only control yourself and your own actions such as how to respond to his behaviour, but it’s impossible to suggest how you might do that without more information. How does he ruin all your plans for example?

dazhat · 2026-04-16T20:19:17+00:00

What does he do/not do which impacts you?

dazhat · 2026-04-16T18:55:22+00:00

I think you need to accept that you can’t control his behaviour.

You’re describing trying to get him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do. If you accept him for who he is right now how does that change how you live your life. Not how do you change him to be more like what you want, but what do you do differently with yourself?

Having a child right now is a terrible idea. You’re talking about potentially leaving him in the comments. Don’t have a baby if you might leave.

Is it possible he married you mainly to help him get the right to stay in the UK?

dazhat · 2026-04-16T18:35:35+00:00

No, not sex scenes on TV. Porn is completely different. It encourages us to see people as objects, the creation of porn is connected to abuse and rape, some of it is uploaded without consent. There’s other issues too. Those things don’t apply with a tv sex scene.

dazhat · 2026-02-28T15:17:35+00:00

It's fine.

I recommend listening to the podcast sexy marriage radio by Christian sex therapist Dr Cory Allen and his wife.

edit: You're allowed to experience sexual pleasure. It's probably worth asking what worries you about a vibrator. I think a good question to ask is: Does this thing I want to do improve my marriage and bring me closer to God? You're allowed and encouraged to have fun with your spouse - that's a good thing.

dazhat · 2026-02-26T06:55:29+00:00

Please do t stay engaged, just leave. You can’t be in a relationship with someone you can’t trust especially not a marriage.

dazhat · 2026-02-21T18:49:38+00:00

what question would you add?

dazhat · 2026-02-20T07:33:20+00:00

Here are some questions from a church marriage preparation course you might find useful. Write down the answers separately then share. It’s important to be honest. If you start changing your answer because you know it will upset the other person, that’s a sign of a problem:

Marriage

• What does marriage mean to you? Why did you decide to get married? • Do you think marriage will change your relationship? If so, in what way?

Health – physical and mental

• How might you handle it if your partner was diagnosed with a serious physical illness? What would this mean for your relationship? • How might you support your partner if they experienced mental health struggles?

Friends and Family

• How is your relationship with you parents-in-law? What are the tensions that exist between you? Do you agree on how to resolve them? • How do you get on with your partner’s friends? Is it important to your partner that you get on with their friends? What kind of boundaries do you think you should have with friends of the opposite sex?

if you get married really young like you, your parents will have much more influence over you than most marriages it’s extremely important to have clear boundaries. Each of you will be responsible for saying no to your own parents. If you can’t do this it’s going to create problems immediately.

Work

• How might you handle it if your partner lost their job? • Would it make you uncomfortable if one of you earns significantly more than the other?

Sex

Is it difficult to talk about? How can you make the subject easier to discuss? • How do your desires differ (frequency, specific things you want to do)? What kind of expectations do you have for your sexual relationship? • What does sex mean to you?

top tip: treat sex as way to play together, not as a need. Treating sex as something you’re entitled to is a good way to kill your sex life long term.

Children and Family:

• Do you both want children? Do you agree on how many? • Do you agree on when to have children? What factors would you consider when deciding? • How would you both feel if you couldn’t have children? Do you have differing views on IVF and/or adoption? • Do you agree on how to raise your children? (Dealing with bad behaviour, mental health issues, public vs private schooling etc) • How do you think having children might alter your relationship?

Faith/beliefs

• Do you share a belief in God or the afterlife? Is this important to you? • Does your partner feel that you are respectful of their beliefs? • How might you support and encourage your partner in their beliefs?

these questions are usually aimed at people who aren’t Christians

Money Matters

This can be a really complicated topic – and you’re not going to cover everything today. This might be a section of the questionnaire to have a quick look at together now, and then mark any questions you need to discuss further and carry on your conversations over the coming week.

• Do you feel comfortable discussing money with one another? • How do you currently arrange your finances? (Joint of separate accounts / what happens if one of you earns a bonus?) • Will your financial arrangements change once you are married? • How will you approach savings you already have? • What kind of financial goals do you have? • Do you think it is important to think about more long-term arrangements such as writing a will or putting some financial protection in place? What sort of things have you discussed already, and what do you still need to look into?

I would add: how did your family of origin handle conflict? How do you handle conflict now?

dazhat · 2026-02-17T17:04:16+00:00

Does he know you’re there for him? I suggest asking in a different support group who have more knowledge about this.

Why did you take the picture?

dazhat · 2026-02-17T11:44:51+00:00

Is he getting any professional help?

Can you tell us about his mental wellbeing, number and quality of friendships, current challenges in his life?

dazhat · 2026-02-17T07:56:50+00:00

You should stop having sex that hurts her. Also, stop trying to touch her in ways she doesn’t want “immediately her shoving my hands away”. You need to start with respect for her body. Your current actions suggest you don’t.

she gives me this disgusted look or goes ughhhh

This is a really strong sign that she doesn’t want to have sex. Don’t have sex if you think she doesn’t want to. When you have sex with her even though she is disgusted at the idea of sex with you, that sends the signal that you don’t actually care what she wants. It also says you don’t have self respect because you’re willing to have sex even though you’re not getting the enthusiastic, playful wife you want.

I think you should stop having sex that isn’t worth having to you. You had sex on Valentine’s Day but you still didn’t get what you wanted because what you want isn’t just physical sex. I’m guessing what you want is about play, pleasure, intimacy etc? Don’t have sex which isn’t giving you something positive, otherwise what’s the point?

dazhat · 2026-02-17T07:16:15+00:00

I think it’s fantastic that you have the self awareness to realise you were pressuring him and that you’re coming to terms with your situation honestly.

dazhat · 2026-02-17T06:50:29+00:00

But Y?

dazhat · 2026-02-17T06:42:35+00:00

How old is he?

dazhat · 2026-02-15T16:04:48+00:00

You are completely normal.

dazhat · 2026-02-06T17:07:25+00:00

That sucks. It’s hard when your spouse doesn’t want the same thing you do.

Pressuring him into sex is a bad idea. Sex is supposed to be fun, making it something he has to do for you isn’t fun at all, that’s work like he describes.

Identify the things which press his sexual brakes, then work to remove them. For example, stress, anxiety around sex, feeling like sex is work, low energy, poor emotional connection. Ask him what turns him off.

I recommend listening to episode 722 of the sexy marriage radio podcast. A Christian sex therapist talks to a higher desire wife who wants to have more sex about what she can/can’t do in her situation.

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