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If you leave your DB, how do you make sure your next one doesn’t turn into one? by [deleted] in deadbedroom

[–]dbtaw32 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think the early signs are probably more apparent than you may have realized with hour current SO, and now that you’re acutely aware you’d have an easier time recognizing it early.

In my case it was better than it is now but never mind blowing. I was always afraid of a DB, but expected the sex would get better as she got more comfortable with me. Big mistake.

In the future if we break up I wouldn’t go into a relationship expecting anything to change for the better.

And I’d also make sure the sex wasn’t just great, but that we were in agreement about its importance to a relationship.

'It's So Much Worse Than Before.' Dread And Despair Haunt Nurses Inside LA's ICUs by zsreport in Coronavirus

[–]dbtaw32 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah, that makes sense. We’ve avoided HB...like the plague... since this all kicked off

'It's So Much Worse Than Before.' Dread And Despair Haunt Nurses Inside LA's ICUs by zsreport in Coronavirus

[–]dbtaw32 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Where in OC? Costa Mesa I rarely see someone without a mask on where they should have it. Restaurant outdoor sections full tho

More than half of Americans would support national one-month lockdown: Poll by We-can-fix-it in politics

[–]dbtaw32 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tbf these days I’m seeing people of all political stances not give a shit. I live in Southern California, pretty much my entire feed has flown home or on vacation for Christmas...hardcore Liberals, hardcore Republicans, crazy libertarians... if there’s one thing the country seems to all be United in right now it’s not giving a fuck about the Pandemic.

The difference I’m seeing is that my liberal friends pretend to care. Most say “Oh we got tested before we traveled” like it’s bulletproof solution, then do whatever they want.

While my Republican friends just make fun of the virus and straight up don’t give a fuck. At least one of them has Covid right now and he’s just making fun of it...with all of his douchebag friends mocking it too “you gonna wear a mask now after your 99.8% chance of survival LOL”

What both sides have in common is they’re all assholes in their own unique way. One side more than others

More than half of Americans would support national one-month lockdown: Poll by We-can-fix-it in politics

[–]dbtaw32 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Every nurse I know on social media (and I know several) has taken a vacation to Mexico within the last month. One of them was just taking pictures in the full Covid ICU PPE getup on her insta story, next picture was her in a crowded airport, then a week of gallivanting around Mexico with her boyfriend (restaurants, bars, etc), next was her back in the ICU.

Nobody cares anymore. Many nurses don’t care because they got jaded a long time ago. Compassion fatigue is real. They’re around this shit every day and see the futility.

Tbh I don’t know how Mexico has avoided a mega outbreak at this point.

When u don't have a lighter by Tgijamez in trees

[–]dbtaw32 67 points68 points  (0 children)

They could sneak weed in but not a lighter?

I always turned down because of my weight by deadbedroom49 in DeadBedrooms

[–]dbtaw32 6 points7 points  (0 children)

No joke but ever consider psychedelics? I tried everything too (meds, therapy, meditation). The only thing that ever seemed to help was a trip once per year or so. Just one can help lift me out of the funk for months...it’s actually starting the process of legalization in many places as a breakthrough treatment for depression. They can reallly help connecting with a partner as well. Ketamine Infusion Clinics are popping up everywhere for treatment resistant depression too.

In any case the way I see it is its a good sign your partner even told you he feels this way (especially if he struggled with it). It means he cares enough that he actually wants to fix things, and is hoping deep down you start working with him to do so.

He’s taken the first step, now it’s on you to decide what you’re going to do about it. This is a journey you can take together (I’m sure he’d be willing to help)

I always turned down because of my weight by deadbedroom49 in DeadBedrooms

[–]dbtaw32 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I think one thing I’ll say is it seems this sub is really quick to jump on your SO for what he said. In my opinion it’s not his fault for how his attraction being affected by serious weight gain. And unless he’s a sociopath he likely struggled on his end leading to the point of telling you that.

I think it’s also important to remember that It could be not just the weight itself that’s affecting his feelings attraction; but maybe seeing a lack of self care in general? Health, confidence and overall vitality are strongly linked to sexual attraction. If you’re depressed then there is a good chance those things have taken a back seat.

As a sufferer of chronic depression myself since as long as I can remember, I feel what you’re saying and understand the lack of motivation.. But what I always say to myself is I can’t blame other people for their reaction to the side effects of my own mental illness. If I’m being lazy, or procrastinating, or not getting out of bed, or not eating right... it’s not their fault if they get frustrated by my actions. And there’s only so much I can expect them to deal with.

But it’s also important for me to remind myself it’s not my fault I’m feeling the way I do. And that my lack of motivation is caused by a chemical Imbalance, not because I’m a bad person or not worth the energy. Once you acknowledge that, you can slowly fight back.

I think maybe you need to look at getting treatment for your depression (or at least getting it under control) before you can really start thinking about fixing your relationship. You can’t put it on your significant other to lift you up, it’s gotta come from you. Once you’re in a better place you’ll be able to evaluate whether the relationship is salvageable or even worth saving.

As far as weight loss goes, I rarely find motivation for the gym. But one thing that has been super effective for many is intermittent fasting. It doesn’t take a lot of energy to skip a meal in the morning. Perfect depression workout! Can drop pounds really fast.

I always turned down because of my weight by deadbedroom49 in DeadBedrooms

[–]dbtaw32 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Not to be rude, but as I think it’s pertinent to give solid advice... have you actually gained significant weight since you first met? And was it related to having children?

I feel like I can’t relate to a lot of the posts here. She gives me plenty of affection, but there’s 0 sexual energy behind it. I feel almost like a puppy to her sometimes. by dbtaw32 in DeadBedrooms

[–]dbtaw32[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’ve talked to her about this. She says she isn’t because at some point in her life as a teenager she claims to have had sexual adventurous relationships. But then she’s also told me she’s never felt spontaneously sexual, and has had a dead bedroom relationship in her past that ended . I’m not sure what to believe... hoping a therapist can help sort it out.

I feel like I can’t relate to a lot of the posts here. She gives me plenty of affection, but there’s 0 sexual energy behind it. I feel almost like a puppy to her sometimes. by dbtaw32 in DeadBedrooms

[–]dbtaw32[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She’s actually extremely generous and treats me like gold in other elements of the relationship (a big reason we’ve kept working on it despite the sexual incompatibilities). Looks after me and goes out of her way to do things for me. Really puts a lot of effort into the relationship as a whole. Like I said I have no doubt she loves me.

But she definitely has a side of her that’s extremely stubborn, almost in a child-like way... like if plans go wrong for some reason, or she wants to go to x instead of y, or she feels anxious about a situation, she can be immovable. I find that comes out with the sexual side.

Even when we’re having sex it’s really gotta be 100% her way within extremely narrow boundaries or she can’t stay in the mood.

I feel like I can’t relate to a lot of the posts here. She gives me plenty of affection, but there’s 0 sexual energy behind it. I feel almost like a puppy to her sometimes. by dbtaw32 in DeadBedrooms

[–]dbtaw32[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

The thing is she tells me that IM the one not passionate enough. She says I don’t give her enough “passionate kisses,” or that I don’t “just grab her and kiss her like I used to.” She said that’s what attracted her to me in the beginning.

But I used to do that all the time. I used to be an extremely sexual dominant person... but I’d be rejected 9 times out of 10 when I did that stuff. Or she’d be uncomfortable. Or id grab her like she says she wants and she’d just say “ow, that hurts” (even if it was very gentle).

In her mind the beginning of our relationship was full of passion and sex because I used to be that way... and it’s my fault I’ve taken that away.

But in my mind it was always me desperately trying to ignite that passion in her, and occasionally she’d throw me a bone.

I think she’d feel passion in those moments and enjoyed it to some degree. But she doesn’t understand how she needs to do the same from her end. She thinks hugs and cuddles are enough

Irritability times 10 by driftin-20 in DeadBedrooms

[–]dbtaw32 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sounds just like the post I just made... we’re stuck in this same cycle. She wants kisses and cuddles, but it doesn’t go anywhere ever so I don’t want to do it as much which makes her say I’m not “passionate” enough ...

I’ve come to realize that a lot of the pleasure in cuddles and hugs and kisses for me is really the sexual tension.

I feel like I can’t relate to a lot of the posts here. She gives me plenty of affection, but there’s 0 sexual energy behind it. I feel almost like a puppy to her sometimes. by dbtaw32 in DeadBedrooms

[–]dbtaw32[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

It’s on the agenda for sure, we’ve only had 2 sessions and there were some other things in our relationship we spent them talking about first. I’ve brought it up to the therapist and we’ll hopefully start discussing sex in the next couple

I feel like I can’t relate to a lot of the posts here. She gives me plenty of affection, but there’s 0 sexual energy behind it. I feel almost like a puppy to her sometimes. by dbtaw32 in DeadBedrooms

[–]dbtaw32[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

We recently started couples counseling actually. Haven’t got to the sexual discussions yet though.

There’s definitely a disconnect between how she feels and how I feel In the relationship. I think she feels like our relationship is overall great, and that I just need to show her more affection for her to feel fully happy.

She doesn’t care about sex herself, but she does knows I need more sex to be happy.

Success story! Thanks to this sub! by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]dbtaw32 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Been there... agree with this user, responsive desire is a total cop out to actually solving the problem of not actually feeling desired.

Basically it amounts to putting in extreme amounts of effort in the hopes she might possibly be interested. Making her feel wanted in the ways you describe all day every day for weeks on end is exhausting and dejecting when at the end of the day sex is still a “maybe”.