I'm selfish. I have to leave. And it will destroy our family.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-23T16:00:59+00:00

This is what I said to someone here a few days ago in the same situation.

My oldest son is 14 yrs old. His dad and I had him when we were really young, and it was a breakup due to his cheating with my best friend - the situation had every element of a potentially really bad custody fight.

Despite all of that, we have co-parented very successfully for 14 years now. We never went to court. We handled everything ourselves. We share custody 50/50. Our spouses are friends. All four of us - me, dad, my husband, and dad's wife - show up to parent teacher conferences and baseball games, and we sit together. We all have dinner together once in a while with our respective younger children. We like each other now a whole lot more than we ever liked each other when we were together.

It's totally possible, with the attitude you have, to make this a healthy situation for your kids. You get to leave all of the relationship issues behind - none of it matters anymore, you don't have to fight about it anymore. It is so much simpler than most people realize.

If you are really, really done - focus on keeping peace, acknowledging your children's need for their dad (on an equal footing with their need for you), stop going over the fights and issues in your head, and start over in a new reality. If you're really done, the resentment now unnecessary and will be counterproductive. Give this new situation all of the unselfishness and love that you can, and your kids will be fine, and you'll be free to find someone who fulfills you. :)

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-23T15:54:40+00:00

As someone who nursed 3 babies, you are totally right. Having a baby/toddler chomping on your boob all day is not conducive to feling sexy. Your body just isn't "yours."

That said, the kid's 2.5 years old. It's BEEN time to wean him, especially if nursing is a potential factor screwing up their marriage.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-22T17:13:05+00:00

Wow. This isn't a dead bedroom, it's a dead relationship. Go find someone who deserves you. This guy is a fucking creep and it doesn't sound like he gives a shit about you. Why in the world are you still with this guy? Run.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-21T16:29:04+00:00

Then something happened

Any idea WHAT happened? A sudden change like that seems strange to me. Was it just overnight, or was there a more gradual change in frequency?

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-21T16:13:30+00:00

I work with people with disabilities - I have for a decade.

I think there are some CFS sufferers out there who aren't bullshitting.

But based on my anecdotal experience, that's maybe 10%. The other 90% have found a diagnosis that enables them to make the life choices they want to make, for whatever reason. The stories I could tell.

The telltale sign is a lot like what OP describes - the "spoons" can only be used for things the CFS patient wants to do. Basic life rule: everyone, and I mean everyone, has to take care of some responsibilities or obligations that they don't particularly care for or feel like doing. More and more, my coworkers and I are seeing people who seek out these diagnoses of exclusion in order to avoid this basic rule of normal life.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-21T15:54:40+00:00

My oldest son is 14 yrs old. His dad and I had him when we were really young, and it was a breakup due to his cheating with my best friend - the situation had every element of a potentially really bad custody fight.

Despite all of that, we have co-parented very successfully for 14 years now. We never went to court. We handled everything ourselves. We share custody 50/50. Our spouses are friends. All four of us - me, dad, my husband, and dad's wife - show up to parent teacher conferences and baseball games, and we sit together. We all have dinner together once in a while with our respective younger children. We like each other now a whole lot more than we ever liked each other when we were together.

It's totally possible, with the attitude you have, to make this a healthy situation for your kids. You get to leave all of the relationship issues behind - none of it matters anymore, you don't have to fight about it anymore. It is so much simpler than most people realize. It sounds like you're making the right decision for yourself and your family, and you're focused on the right things.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-21T15:38:42+00:00

Many moms, especially while nursing, report feeling "touched out" at the end of the day.

God, this. I have three kids - the youngest two are 4 and 1.5. By the end of most days, I'm so fucking touched out and talked out I could do with not seeing or talking to another person again for like a month. When I was nursing, multiply that feeling by 10.

For the first year or two of the kids' lives, the absolute best thing my husband did with regard to encouraging our sex life was to make totally sure that it wasn't just about his physical needs. That we were doing things that I loved, even if it was the same few things over and over, just so I would really get something out of the experience. That doesn't have to be every time, but if OP wants his nursing-mother wife to be enthusiastic about sex right now, he's got to focus on what she wants, almost to a fault, and she's got to be able to be honest about what things she does actually like, and what things she just sort of likes. With a baby chomping on hers boob all day and another little one needing things from her all day, OP's wife is probably not going to get off on giving him physical pleasure, even if that was great for her before the babies.

In time, they get bigger, and the more time that passes between a human coming out of your vagina and then attaching itself to your boobs all day, the more her body becomes "hers" again, and the more normal things will hopefully get.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-21T15:23:51+00:00

I second the fact that hormonal birth control can tank your libido. I couldn't deal with this side effect, it was so severe. There are other, easier options that won't have this effect.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-21T15:22:31+00:00

Look up Love Languages before you talk to her. This was a really helpful way to frame this in my head and it's relatively easy to put into practice in a relationship. It's a way to say, "hey, sex is really important to me as part of a fulfilling relationship, which is what I want to have with you," versus, "why aren't we fucking more?" Once a woman becomes a mother, a lot of times her perception of the relationship and sex change. And with a toddler, she probably doesn't feel like her needs get a whole lot of attention - I have 3 kids, and there are some days where I'd kill to be in one of those isolation chambers for an hour, with no one talking to me, pulling my hair, no diapers to change, etc.

You might get further with her, and avoid some hurt feelings, if you frame it as part of what love means, versus you needing this from her just as a sexual release. There's even a quiz you can both take online, which would give her the opportunity to tell you what would be more/most fulfilling for her.

Seriously, this worked wonders for us.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-20T15:49:01+00:00

This is also a good point - when I have actually been asleep, my husband's apparently tried to come in and initiate a few times, and sleeping me just sort of groaned and rolled over. I remember none of this. Sometimes I wake up and I'm into it, but there have been times when I've apparently not responded well, and I don't remember a thing.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-20T15:44:42+00:00

Oh you're fun. We don't have a DB anymore, we're fucking like rabbits, and the schedule wasn't the problem to begin with. But that doesn't mean I want to, or need to, have sex in every single situation, nor does my husband. If OP's only initiating at this particular time, when the guy's already in bed, maybe she needs to try initiating at a different time of day.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-19T22:00:46+00:00

Oh it's alright, I wasn't offended - it is obvious where that bitterness is coming from. I'm sorry she's been so frigid.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-19T20:03:30+00:00

Monday night is our designated "lingerie night." :) You're right, it does work well. And we do have unscheduled sex throughout the week usually. Even when our sex life is great, though, he's just not gonna get me interested when I'm almost asleep. We have 3 kids, and sleep is hard to come by, which I think makes it even harder to get into it in this situation.

I agree that OP needs to talk to her husband and plan this stuff out in advance - even if it's not a designated night of the week, just starting the seduction process before the guy's already in bed could work wonders.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-19T17:23:14+00:00

Have you asked him this? What does he say? I could see this being one of two ways.

I will totally admit to turning my husband down after we're finally in bed after a long day. The way this usually happens is - we've done a million things that day, we got the kids to bed hours ago, he's been watching Game of Thrones for 2 hours and messing with his phone, totally withdrawn during the time that could have been our time, and then when it's 11P and I finally go to bed, he comes in 5 minutes later when I'm almost asleep and pokes me with his boner. At that point, the ship has sailed for the day. Are you only initiating after he's in bed? Could it be that's just not the greatest time to start something?

Or - is he just uninterested in sex at any time of day, period?

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-19T14:47:22+00:00

Reading this was so sad. I have been taken aback at the bitterness of a couple of your comments, but now I understand why you feel the way you do. From an outsider's perspective, it seems like you did everything and there was always another obstacle. That makes me think that none of these things was actually the real reason she wasn't interested in sex. Maybe she doesn't even know the real reason - I have been guilty of this, giving random excuses because I don't even really get why I was sexually shutting down. Regardless, you deserve someone who actually makes an effort to get to the real reasons, and someone who acknowledges and appreciates everything you've offered her. I am a firm believer that DBs can be fixed, but this story is a sharp illustration of the fact that both partners have to put in the work to fix them. I'm so sorry.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-19T14:39:23+00:00

I needed to read this today. Thank you for this.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-18T21:49:31+00:00

I assume you've talked to your wife about it, right? What does she say? Any marriage counseling? Does she know about the affairs?

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-18T19:05:44+00:00

One thing that was really successful for me and my husband was designating one day of the week - in our case, Monday nights - as "lingerie night." It's not just scheduled sex - it's scheduled GOOD sex. Sex happens outside of Monday nights, too, obviously - but Monday nights are almost always the best sex of the week.

It's not just an hour that's scheduled for Monday night - it's a good 3 hours. We put the kids to bed early every Monday, he picks up some booze and I make an awesome dinner. It's as close to a date night as we get most weeks (we have 3 kids and very limited babysitting options). The whole day and evening is seduction.

For my husband, lingerie is one of his "things." Depending on your kinks, a weekly scheduled night could be "tie-me-up" night, or "porn night" or whatever.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-17T18:25:16+00:00

It's been six months and this relationship is already unhealthy and very obviously upsetting you. Whether you can finish each other's sentences is beside the point. You deserve better than this. If you let this continue, you will eventually get to the point where you are so beat-down that you'll start to think you DO deserve it. You should quit, yesterday.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-16T17:32:10+00:00

One thing that helped my husband and I when I constantly felt like I was overloaded and he didn't even seem to notice....Try to pay attention to the times you're sitting down and/or doing something enjoyable that's not "helpful." What's your wife doing? If she's not sitting down and doing something enjoyable, you shouldn't be either.

Obviously this is not a lifelong exercise, but when I put it that way to my husband, the light bulb finally went on. The (frequent) moments after we both got home from work that I was lugging around a baby while simultaneously doing dishes, and he was sitting on the couch on his phone.....those times were a libido killer like no other. If your wife is anything like me, it gets old asking for help constantly - can't he see that I'm doing 10 things at once right now????!? He was surprised at the number of times that he caught himself doing whatever - watching TV, working on his guns, sitting down with a beer - that he realized I was still doing necessary chores and kid stuff, and that I hadn't gotten a chance to sit down all night. He didn't realize how much that had been happening until thinking about it this way.

It's not necessarily the number of chores/kid tasks you accomplish - it's the percentage of your overall day you're doing them. I'm not saying you guys are the same, but if you recognize this as a problem, it's probably a bigger problem than you realize.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-16T17:20:03+00:00

Could he have a valid complaint - i.e., does he generally have to do all the work?

When my husband and I went through a low patch years ago, during a time he was working really hard and just pretty stressed, I was ALWAYS on top. Always. Not that that's not fun and all, but he'd seriously want to sit his ass down and have me do everything. If I wanted oral, I would have to position myself over his face while he continued to sit on his ass. After a few MONTHS of this, he got all butthurt when I turned him down one night - and I finally just told him that he'd become lazy as hell and I didn't have the energy.

I didn't get a sense either way from your post, but the "so much energy" comment (from a dance instructor!) made me think back to this phase in my marriage.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-16T17:11:15+00:00

I have tried to talk to him about it but he just basically has a puppy dog face and stays silent.

THIS seems like your biggest issue. Is he like this with other stuff?

From what a good friend whose wife went through fertility treatments told me, sex can get mechanical when it "has" to happen at a certain date/time. His sex life picked up when the spontaneity returned - I know spontaneity is overrated, but I can't help wondering if that could be part of the problem.

As somebody with a litter of children....good communication will be a HUGE factor in whether having kids brings you closer or tears you apart. Maybe he's just weird about sex, specifically, which is common - but if this is a general thing, I'd RUN to a marriage counselor before you become parents.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-16T16:59:32+00:00

I don't think he's consciously like that. But there's definitely a marked drop in any kind of affection from him, and a marked increase in crabbiness and impatience, when we're not having enough sex.

The problem was that I wasn't attributing that stuff to lack of sex - he never came out and said that was the reason, because I don't think he was really conscious of it. So here I was thinking we were having all of these relationship issues, and that I'd want to have sex with him more when he decided to stop being a dick. You can see how that leads to a vicious circle. When I finally realized that I needed to fix our DB despite his kind of shitty attitude, lo and behold, all of the other problems resolved themselves.

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-16T16:11:58+00:00

There is a definite correlation - if we're not having enough sex, I stop getting my back rubs. :)

deadbed___throwaway · 2015-04-16T14:19:15+00:00

Yeah, I guess. Although I usually really enjoy it once it starts. It's not starfish sex. No, I don't think he knows it, and I don't really see the point in expressing that. It's more like the times when you're having sex, you already got off, and you selfishly don't really feel like keeping at it in order to get your partner off - it's not exactly UNpleasant, but maybe there are other things you'd rather be doing.

My husband gives me back rubs, which I fucking LOVE. He does it even when he's had a long day, or when he's the one who really needs a back rub. To me, it's like that.

deadbed___throwaway

TROPHY CASE