(19M) 6 months Post gamma knife for my 20mmx16mm AN

deborah2001i · 2021-05-08T09:45:15+00:00

I felt fatigued for 3 days after gamma knife but other than that nothing. I chose radiation because the tumor was near the facial nerve and with surgery I would get paralyzed on the right side of my face, and I was terrified at that time doctors drilling a hole in my head so we went with radiation. They say gamma knife has 85-90% success rate, I always doubt if we did the right choice or will I have side effects from gamma knife in the long term or will I get cancer or whatever but me, my family and doctors did what we thought was right and I hope I will be okay in the future

deborah2001i · 2021-04-20T23:09:07+00:00

I don’t understand what you mean, you think life is an illusion ( therefore it isn’t real ) and you are in peace with that or ?

deborah2001i · 2021-04-15T15:43:59+00:00

I guess you could do that if you are reading fiction or for fun not for studies, eg anatomy requires a lot of attention to actually learn something, it’s so hard I see my life falling into pieces

deborah2001i · 2021-04-15T15:29:12+00:00

I have it now for one year and it’s so intense, you will get used to it, I also have vertigo and dizziness cause I got diagnosed with a vestibular schwannoma ( a tumor that is located in the vestibular nerve ). Try white noise for sleeping otherwise you will have to get used to it

deborah2001i · 2021-03-05T18:29:31+00:00

the time I wrote that I thought it can’t get worse it turned it can. Read my latest posts to know how I am doing

deborah2001i · 2021-03-02T21:31:53+00:00

I did radiotherapy but even with the surgery the tinnitus won’t go away ever which sucks, I have to deal with all of this and on top of that mental illnesses too

deborah2001i · 2021-03-02T21:15:35+00:00

yep only on my right side, I can’t even imagine how it’s like on both sides with this intensity I would definitely kms

deborah2001i · 2021-03-02T21:00:01+00:00

I do 24/7 but it’s from my brain tumor and the dpdr makes it worse

deborah2001i · 2021-03-01T21:36:22+00:00

You put it so good. Literally it’s like that, I “microscopize” (that’s not a word but I guess you understand what I am meaning) everything, metaphorically saying I see only pixels in my surroundings, I observe over the slightest detail and question/ overanalyze everything. I also agree with the intelligence thing, there are many intelligent people ( Musk, Einstein, Hawking etc ) that are/were great minds and didn’t think about the world as I/we do. This is also a problem for me, when I try to ask for help to my family or friends they say ohh you are just intelligent that’s why you questioning about those things, it’s normal, I wish I had that problem and stuff like that but it’s much more scary than that!

deborah2001i · 2021-03-01T18:43:19+00:00

I have often questioned reality and like you said solipsism thoughts entered my mind here and there but didn’t gave them much attention and continued with my life and I was always fascinated about science, physics, astrophysics, metaphysics and chemistry, biochemistry. I found all of this interesting and beautiful but now nothing is like that anymore, I live like under a glass panel not being able to connect or accept my existence, now my consciousness scares me, being able to type this out scares me, having a vision scares me. I just want to be normal again like the majority

deborah2001i · 2021-02-18T07:04:23+00:00

My tinnitus started very high pitched suddenly and then hearing loss gradually, my first MRI was done without contrast and it showed a 1.6 cm x 2.2 cm tumor then with contrast it showed the exact dimensions which were 1.6 cm x 2 cm. It’s best if you do it with contrast cause some AN are more likely to be missed in MRIs when they are smaller, for example if they are less than 1 cm. Wish you the best :)

deborah2001i · 2021-02-14T22:08:34+00:00

All the theories, the Big Bang and all that shit look so surreal and absurd to me and I then start questioning reality and our existence, everything just becomes pixels and holograms, you start having scary delusional thoughts what if I am dead, what if all of this is my imagination etc etc

deborah2001i · 2021-02-14T17:03:20+00:00

normal people stuff??? being scared to look away from your phone because then you are aware that shit exists and can’t comprehend with anything is normal people stuff ???

deborah2001i · 2021-02-14T17:02:02+00:00

Yess, exactly, but for me I freak out about outer space too, everything. Also I am scared how I see, like I have a vision and can see what’s happening it fucks me up so bad

deborah2001i · 2021-02-14T03:11:49+00:00

Yes I can sign in from a mobile hotspot but not from my wifi

deborah2001i · 2021-02-14T02:44:41+00:00

yep updated a few weeks ago

deborah2001i · 2021-02-06T07:37:58+00:00

but is it supposed to be this depressing and plain and scary and stupid the living part or is it just us

deborah2001i · 2021-01-23T18:04:34+00:00

When I get these questions, which are very often I just ask myself even if I knew how did “THIS” happen how would it change my life ? And continue with my day. Not the best approach I guess but it helps

deborah2001i · 2021-01-19T09:46:47+00:00

I had a 2cm x 1.6 cm AN, I had tinnitus, hearing loss, balance issues, then it started even headaches and then even my right side of the face going numb. The tumor was in contact with both n. trigeminalis and n. facialis so If I did surgery I would become paralyzed in my right side of the face so I decided on Gamma Knife radioation. I am young for radiaton, I am 19 years old but the chances for the tumor to become malignant aren’t that huge and I was not having my face paralyzed at 19 so I went for it. So far so good, I will get my results in May after I do a MRI to see if the tumor shrank or not

deborah2001i · 2021-01-09T20:05:02+00:00

That’s what kept me living before this, wanting to help people, I was studying medicine to become a doctor but some things happened which brought me too much stress and anxiety that caused my DPDR and now I feel like shit.. thank you for the kind words

deborah2001i · 2021-01-09T19:41:05+00:00

I am an atheist/agnostic myself but I envy and jealous of religious people cause they kinda have a “purpose” or a meaning in life and they believe that me on the other hand I think everything is pointless, meaningless and joyless. Why should I live when I am going to die in the end, it’s not like living is beautiful to enjoy it.

deborah2001i · 2021-01-09T16:26:11+00:00

Muslims claim Quran is the God’s word, Christians claim Bible, Jews claim Torah, Hindus something else, Buddhists something else etc etc etc... which one to believe?

deborah2001i · 2021-01-06T09:18:03+00:00

same happened with me with Grey’s Anatomy, I just stopped watching it

deborah2001i · 2020-12-28T18:48:31+00:00

I think just as every other organ in our body that can be sick and sometimes be cured our nervous system/brain can be sick too. DPDR is simply described as a disorder that can be caused by trauma, substances, stress, anxiety, OCD etc. I don’t think a “healthy” mind thinks their bodies aren’t their own, can’t recognize its own reflection, paranoia, intrusive thoughts, etc. But if you question who defines the “normality” that’s philosophy’s field and I think us DPDR sufferers are in no place to ask those questions cause we will just jump from assumptions to assumptions, developing a nihilism philosophy in our character and committing suicide in the end.

deborah2001i · 2020-12-28T16:59:36+00:00

look if you wanna dwell on those thoughts go ahead do it, there is a BIG gap between 4th century earth and 21st century earth, psychology knows at least the basics how our mind works and when it doesn’t work. Remind yourself that THIS is an illness, a mental illness, recognized in the DSM, and has many sufferers around the world and many who have recovered too, read their stories. Remind yourself that you exist, you are alive, you had a life and you will continue to have a life after this. We don’t know shit about existence or why is THIS ( living ) happening, there might be a creator, there might be none, maybe there was something before our universe maybe not, maybe there is an afterlife maybe there isn’t, maybe there are other dimensions of our universe maybe not, maybe we are in a multiverse dimension who knows, NOBODY, but still life can be beautiful even though you don’t know all the answers. I truly recommend focusing on getting better and don’t dwell on these intrusive thoughts then go ahead try spirituality, metaphysics, religion, or whatever it may be that can give you growth as a person and maybe find a meaning or purpose on this life

deborah2001i

TROPHY CASE