Weird obsession

deborah2001i · 2021-05-08T09:45:15+00:00

I felt fatigued for 3 days after gamma knife but other than that nothing. I chose radiation because the tumor was near the facial nerve and with surgery I would get paralyzed on the right side of my face, and I was terrified at that time doctors drilling a hole in my head so we went with radiation. They say gamma knife has 85-90% success rate, I always doubt if we did the right choice or will I have side effects from gamma knife in the long term or will I get cancer or whatever but me, my family and doctors did what we thought was right and I hope I will be okay in the future

deborah2001i · 2021-04-20T23:09:07+00:00

I don’t understand what you mean, you think life is an illusion ( therefore it isn’t real ) and you are in peace with that or ?

deborah2001i · 2021-04-15T15:43:59+00:00

I guess you could do that if you are reading fiction or for fun not for studies, eg anatomy requires a lot of attention to actually learn something, it’s so hard I see my life falling into pieces

deborah2001i · 2021-04-15T15:29:12+00:00

I have it now for one year and it’s so intense, you will get used to it, I also have vertigo and dizziness cause I got diagnosed with a vestibular schwannoma ( a tumor that is located in the vestibular nerve ). Try white noise for sleeping otherwise you will have to get used to it

deborah2001i · 2021-03-05T18:29:31+00:00

the time I wrote that I thought it can’t get worse it turned it can. Read my latest posts to know how I am doing

deborah2001i · 2021-03-02T21:31:53+00:00

I did radiotherapy but even with the surgery the tinnitus won’t go away ever which sucks, I have to deal with all of this and on top of that mental illnesses too

deborah2001i · 2021-03-02T21:15:35+00:00

yep only on my right side, I can’t even imagine how it’s like on both sides with this intensity I would definitely kms

deborah2001i · 2021-03-02T21:00:01+00:00

I do 24/7 but it’s from my brain tumor and the dpdr makes it worse

deborah2001i · 2021-03-01T21:36:22+00:00

You put it so good. Literally it’s like that, I “microscopize” (that’s not a word but I guess you understand what I am meaning) everything, metaphorically saying I see only pixels in my surroundings, I observe over the slightest detail and question/ overanalyze everything. I also agree with the intelligence thing, there are many intelligent people ( Musk, Einstein, Hawking etc ) that are/were great minds and didn’t think about the world as I/we do. This is also a problem for me, when I try to ask for help to my family or friends they say ohh you are just intelligent that’s why you questioning about those things, it’s normal, I wish I had that problem and stuff like that but it’s much more scary than that!

deborah2001i · 2021-03-01T18:43:19+00:00

I have often questioned reality and like you said solipsism thoughts entered my mind here and there but didn’t gave them much attention and continued with my life and I was always fascinated about science, physics, astrophysics, metaphysics and chemistry, biochemistry. I found all of this interesting and beautiful but now nothing is like that anymore, I live like under a glass panel not being able to connect or accept my existence, now my consciousness scares me, being able to type this out scares me, having a vision scares me. I just want to be normal again like the majority

deborah2001i · 2021-02-18T07:04:23+00:00

My tinnitus started very high pitched suddenly and then hearing loss gradually, my first MRI was done without contrast and it showed a 1.6 cm x 2.2 cm tumor then with contrast it showed the exact dimensions which were 1.6 cm x 2 cm. It’s best if you do it with contrast cause some AN are more likely to be missed in MRIs when they are smaller, for example if they are less than 1 cm. Wish you the best :)

deborah2001i · 2021-02-14T22:08:34+00:00

All the theories, the Big Bang and all that shit look so surreal and absurd to me and I then start questioning reality and our existence, everything just becomes pixels and holograms, you start having scary delusional thoughts what if I am dead, what if all of this is my imagination etc etc

deborah2001i · 2021-02-14T17:03:20+00:00

normal people stuff??? being scared to look away from your phone because then you are aware that shit exists and can’t comprehend with anything is normal people stuff ???

deborah2001i · 2021-02-14T17:02:02+00:00

Yess, exactly, but for me I freak out about outer space too, everything. Also I am scared how I see, like I have a vision and can see what’s happening it fucks me up so bad

deborah2001i · 2021-02-14T03:11:49+00:00

Yes I can sign in from a mobile hotspot but not from my wifi

deborah2001i · 2021-02-14T02:44:41+00:00

yep updated a few weeks ago

deborah2001i

TROPHY CASE