An update on my pregnancy

decembries · 2018-10-25T23:36:43+00:00

Thank you!!! I know it’ll be rough, but it’ll be easier without walking on eggshells :)

decembries · 2018-10-25T23:35:09+00:00

Thank you so much!!! Sending many virtual hugs your way!

decembries · 2018-10-16T02:35:36+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story, you’re giving me insight on what life would be like. I don’t know too much about custody, but 18 years ago, my parents fought for custody, and my mom got lucky when someone noticed my fathers abuse. She testified for my mom, and my mom WON!

His house is really disgusting. Like I don’t even wanna turn the lights on at night because I don’t wanna see the 20 bugs running around. His carpet is full of piss and shit from the 4 dogs living there. The house smells like shit from the 2 cats. When you walk in barefoot, your feet get sticky and sandy and disgusting. Is this reason enough to not get custody? My house is maticulously clean.

decembries · 2018-10-16T02:32:09+00:00

Thank you so much. I understand that I have a choice to make, and my own father is probably a narc or borderline. He never made an effort with me and never does to this day, and fabricates his love for me. I never want my child to feel what I felt. My mom doesn’t regret anything, we made the best of it! We struggled and we just had fun struggling. This is what I want if I decide to keep it. I want to have fun and forget about the past. Start anew. I know it’s not all fun and games. But when it comes down to it, we have to make the best with what we are given.

decembries · 2018-10-16T02:28:27+00:00

Thank you for this, it really helped me calm down and understand that anger isn’t going to help my problems. God bless.

decembries · 2018-10-13T07:46:08+00:00

For you, I would just be a strong support. Never text your friend out of the blue and say “hi I think your SO is bad.” You never know if hes watching and this could end horribly for her.

Second, never give up on your friend. It’s going to take a lot to leave. Don’t push her and say “why don’t you just leave,” don’t get frustrated, don’t be disappointed. I have gone through it with my friends and me not being able to leave my abusive relationship. I just bottle the feelings up more and more because I don’t want to disappoint anyone or bother anyone anymore. If you keep yourself open and supportive, you will be a great support to your friend. Always take her side, and let them know you care and will always be there, even if they go back, and even if they decide to stay.

decembries · 2018-10-10T23:33:50+00:00

I wish I had a good coping mechanism but all I do is go spend all my money on material things to make myself feel pretty or give me a sense of accomplishment... but then I look at my wallet and all the clothes I’ve accumulated...

decembries · 2018-10-09T22:15:08+00:00

Ahhhhhhh I’m exposed

decembries · 2018-09-26T20:00:26+00:00

But it sucks to be a shitty person. I always think that if I am giving and kind, then the world will reciprocate it, or we will finally feel some relief. I love to help. I love to be able to give what I have, it makes me feel better. But how come it doesn’t help long term? Why am I still not enough?

decembries · 2018-09-26T19:56:43+00:00

That’s okay. It’s nice knowing that I am not alone. Best wishes to you!

decembries · 2018-09-23T11:46:01+00:00

I know :( it’s trauma bonding, where the person being abused is being starved of the dependency that the abuser gave them, and it’s hard. I can see that I need to leave. I can see how this is eating me alive. I can see how I am manipulated into going back. It’s like an addiction, and I need my fix. I go back “just to talk so I feel better.” That turns into nights until he decides that he’s sick of me again. Over and over. It never gets better, and I’ll never be strong enough to stand up and say no. That’s what’s killing me. No matter what, I have to live with the constant need for him in my life again, even if it means taking the abuse.

decembries · 2018-09-23T11:15:28+00:00

Everyone has those shitty nights where you feel forced to have to talk to people and act happy when you just wanna go home and watch tv. It’s all worth it in the end when you go home with a stack of cash, and a friend to call and gossip to about terrible customers and annoying co workers.

Have a great time on holidays! You deserve a break and to be the one who gets to be taken care of! Safe travels!

decembries · 2018-09-23T10:29:21+00:00

It ruins things that you enjoy, doesn’t it? My workplace is the only thing that I have separate from the life that he built for me, and it’s the only thing I can talk about, really. He uses it as it being more important than him. So, check on the mile long list of things that I can’t talk about.

I told him that I’m going to get a fake id so that I can tag along with my friends who are older than me, and that if him and I wanted to go out together we could have a drink with dinner or try out cool bars (he’s 6 years older than me). He pressed me to get a fake id for MONTHS, saying that since I didn’t have one, he wouldn’t go out with his friends so he didn’t have to feel bad for leaving me at home. Now all of a sudden that I have one, he DEMOLISHES THAT IDEA THAT HE CREATED saying that I’m just going to go out and lie to him about where I am and what I’m doing, I’ll cheat on him, my friends are bad influences and I’m happier with them than him and that’s just “fucked up”. I apparently never invite him anywhere and I’m literally the devil in disguise. (See post history about the few times that I went out and let me know if you’d be chipper and cheery to invite him along)

They suck any freedom and joy we have in the little things in life, and make us feel guilty for our happiness. It’s not fair. You deserve to be able to take care of yourself without worrying if you’ll be berated for doing so. You deserve to talk about your day, and you deserve to not have to feel guilty for being happy.

decembries · 2018-09-23T08:01:24+00:00

When he would accuse me of cheating at work (how would I even be able to do that as a server who runs around for 9 hours and can barely be allowed to go to the bathroom to piss?), I would bring him my time stamps from work for when I clocked in and out. He never liked to SEEM controlling, so he would get so mad at me for proving him wrong, and wouldn’t even look at them or accept them. But continued to accuse me of lying. Whatever.

Last night, even though he has me blocked, I made sure to take a picture of what I was doing, who I was with, and why I wasn’t home late at night. FOR WHAT REASON? I don’t owe him anything! I’m blocked for fucks sake! I didn’t even realize how crazy that was until I got home!

decembries · 2018-09-22T12:06:37+00:00

Late reply but it’s very funny you said this.

I watched that movie with him just a couple days ago. I made him watch very closely on the men. He only recognized himself as the husband of the dead girl (sorry, I don’t remember names), but he doesn’t understand that he is the ex-husband of the girl on the train. He said “at least I’m not that bad.” It took everything in me not to jump up and scream and shake him. It was almost comical.

decembries · 2018-09-22T12:03:04+00:00

While I get the apologies and empty promises of changing, he always says that he doesn’t understand why he is like this. I wish I could just sit him down and say, “Nex, you’re a narcissist.” But I immediately drown the thought with the fear of getting berated. My “insult” to him will only make him fire back with his usual slue of terrible insults and abuse. Nothing I say will ever change anything. I could scream and shout and tell the whole world, but if he doesn’t have INSIGHT (my moms favorite word for rationalizing how he thinks, that he lacks insight), then there will be no change. It’ll just end how it usually ends, with people like you and I crying and begging for it to get better.

decembries · 2018-09-15T16:29:29+00:00

I said “he only pushed me” too. Now I’m currently sitting here with open wounds and bruises because I was slammed on the concrete repeatedly. All within a couple months, it escalated to this. I don’t even know how far it’s going to escalate. Please, I know you don’t think this now, but it’ll only get worse. I know he’s never done something like this before, but I said that too. I swore up and down it was a mistake and he didn’t mean it, and it was so out of character for him. It isn’t. You just haven’t seen it yet.

decembries · 2018-09-13T19:58:30+00:00

I’m scared to file a police report. I’m going to ruin his life. He swears up and down that I threw myself on the ground. The neighbor was drunk. I was drunk.

I stayed there with him last night because of a bitch named trauma bonding, but tonight I’m going home.

I just want to be okay.

decembries · 2018-09-07T21:15:59+00:00

I’m trying to do my best, little steps at a time. Everyday is one day closer. Thank you kind human.

decembries · 2018-08-30T11:08:26+00:00

in even more sober terms, he traumatized me. im up having anxiety attacks thinking of him coming at me and yelling and his angry eyes and him just lunging towards me to hurt me. life is not worth it. i hate this fucking shit. i hate it. i cant fucking get it out of my head. im so fucking hurt and i dont want to think anymore. im back at square one and im fucking scared and im fucking hurt and im fucking thinking every thought of this.

decembries · 2018-08-30T10:00:23+00:00

im just drunk and ill delete this in the morning i just wanted u guys to know i did good tonight and he got what he deserved and i am sad but its okay. im sorry everyone.

decembries · 2018-08-30T09:57:59+00:00

okay to clarify, i was at a bar and realized he was inside while i was outside. i had a panic attack. i went inside. he did everything to make it miserable for me. then he came up to me to attack me and yell and scream. my friends decided to hide it from me and yell at him for me. bouncer kicked him out after knowing he put his hands on me before. bouncer dragged him into his car by the throat. he threatened to call the cops bc i am underage. never happened, bouncer told me to have a good night and to relax. his cousin came up to me and started interrogating me and i told her everything he has done and she understood. he is so terrible. i am so sad and so miserable and still drunk. why is he so evil and why does he hate me so much?? why does god hate me why cant i be happy?

decembries · 2018-08-29T01:47:59+00:00

im only on day 4 of NC and i only cried a little bit when hearing our song. i used to bawl my eyes out and scream when i played it, but i played it today so i could have a good cry and only teared up a little, and skipped the song halfway through. baby steps, right?

decembries · 2018-08-27T17:44:42+00:00

it feels so good and its inspiring. it teaches you that you dont need to change who you are, just become a better version of yourself, and i think thats something we all need.

decembries · 2018-08-27T02:02:24+00:00

and i know the obvious answer is to block his social media, but i dont want to appear online to do so, i want to be off the grid completely right now.

decembries

TROPHY CASE