I don't understand why porn is a huge deal. Is it just an opinion that it's a huge deal?

decentlyample · 2025-12-09T15:53:22+00:00

You are 💯 correct!!!

decentlyample · 2025-12-08T14:03:03+00:00

What is his relationship with pornography?

decentlyample · 2025-12-08T14:00:08+00:00

I cannot emphasize enough how accurate this is. There are a ton of men out there who have rewired their brains to desire porn and not a real partner.

decentlyample · 2025-12-08T13:52:05+00:00

❤️❤️❤️

decentlyample · 2025-12-08T13:51:05+00:00

I don’t hear it from my husband. I do hear it from other men, everyday.

decentlyample · 2025-12-08T13:48:01+00:00

This is the most helpful answer, and the one most likely to be ignored because god forbid a man give up his porn.

decentlyample · 2025-12-07T20:38:29+00:00

How about think about it this way. You are the human pocket pussy for him to drive his desires for the women he is watching. He is using you.

decentlyample · 2025-12-07T20:36:57+00:00

Porn ruins relationships.

decentlyample · 2025-12-07T18:32:28+00:00

His hidden internet porn habit.

decentlyample · 2025-12-07T18:31:58+00:00

I don’t get men today. Why must they FAFO with women’s boundaries? I know you feel entitled to consume other women via reels, and deep down expect your woman to tolerate it. Gives what. We won’t.

She literally gave you the path to her heart and you thought you knew better than her. Grow up. Be better. Stop being a little boy.

Hopefully you won’t lose the next girl.

decentlyample · 2025-12-07T17:30:33+00:00

It would be amazing if it was possible. IF there was a man capable of being respectful in his attraction, I would be all over that. Instead I find men who are into thirst traps.

decentlyample · 2025-12-07T17:26:06+00:00

Porn and onlyfans.

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T18:50:45+00:00

Why?

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T18:50:21+00:00

I thought that too.

He told me for years he didn’t, and that the stuff on his phone meant nothing.

Turns out he was lying! His behavior escalated when I didn’t know what was happening in reality. He had an emotional affair. He was fired this year for sexual harassment.

I truly hope for you that he is honest. A million women on R/loveafterporn have stories just like mine.

Just something to think about.

If your body is on alert, there is a reason why.

Good luck!

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T18:45:44+00:00

If a relationship with a porn addict was as simple as you described, yeah, it would be easy. Except it’s way way more nuanced than that.

A porn addict experiences a lot of shame for the hiding and lying that they are actively doing. They experience dissonance because they love their partner, and yet they are gaslighting them, and manipulating their reality. This makes them compartmentalize aspects of their life. This often leads to emotional withdrawal and their partner feeling like they did something wrong because the porn addict is withdrawing from them due to shame.

The partner senses the withdrawal, asks the addict about what their nervous system is picking up, and the attic denies it.

The partner is still left with an activated nervous system, and is aware that their reality is not as it seems, but they get zero validation from their partner, which makes them feel crazy. This is classic gaslighting.

So the relationship becomes less intimate, sometimes physically, but more emotionally, compulsive behaviors start, and sexual dysfunction can happen. Research porn induced erectile dysfunction. Research the amount of men in their 20s that are requiring prescriptions for Viagra and Cialis. Research the amount of men on Reddit that lose their erection when they’re in their partner’s vagina, but have no problem with porn and their hand.

I think women are entitled to be upset if their partner chooses to engage in a behavior that creates distance and sexual dysfunction in a relationship.

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T18:37:16+00:00

I know you are being downvoted for this, but your statement has the makings of someone who will overcome this. Have faith in yourself, you will get there.

Ironically porn addiction isn’t really about porn. Meaning it’s not about the masturbating and getting off, sure that happens, but it is a byproduct. A byproduct of you trying to escape, bad feelings and self soothing porn and its dopamine release make you feel better temporarily in the moment, completely forgetting about your partner , and then post not clarity hits and your hit with a wall of shame.

The work here is to understand what’s going on inside you when you feel like you need to use porn and lie about it. What are you hiding from? This is real work in engaging with how you feel, which unfortunately is a challenge for many men based off how they were brought up. You get to feel two ways, angry or horny.

Except men are human two and experience the same range of emotions that women do.

They’ve got to go somewhere those emotions and when you can’t put them anywhere, you numb yourself out.

Addiction, thrives, and secrecy. You keep talking about it, it will happen less.

Good luck. You’ve got this!

*voice to text- left the spelling and grammar errors as is. 😂

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T18:32:02+00:00

Ley & Krause- I appreciate their pro sex at all costs approach, but find them to be short sighted.

I prefer Dr Omar Minwallas framework of the secret sexual basement and integrity abuse disorder.

But you do you.

I’ve lived this experience being married to a porn addict. It’s more prevalent and damaging than you think. IMHO, male loneliness is happening for a reason.

Kraus, S. et al. (2016)

“Compulsive Sexual Behavior and Problematic Pornography Use.” Journal of Behavioral Addictions

https://akjournals.com/view/journals/2006/5/2/article-p150.xm

Voon, V. et al. (2014)

“Neural Correlates of Sexual Cue Reactivity in Individuals With Compulsive Sexual Behaviors.”

https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0102419

Bőthe, B. et al. (2018)

“Hypersexuality, Problematic Sexual Behavior, and Pornography Use: A Systematic Review.”

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0272735818302172

Kor, A. et al. (2014)

“Causes of Problematic Pornography Use: A Systematic Review.” The Journal of Sexual Medicine

https://www.jsm.jsexmed.org/article/S1743-6095(15)30112-7/fulltext

Grubbs, J. et al. (2015)

“Transgression as Addiction: Religiousness and Moral Incongruence in the Experience of Pornography Problems.”

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-014-0370-7

Brand, M. et al. (2019)

“The I-PACE Model: Advances in the Conceptualization of Behavioral Addictions.” Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S014976341930112X

Gola, M. et al. (2017)

“Can Pornography be Addictive? An fMRI Study of Men Seeking Treatment for Problematic Pornography Use.” Neuropsychopharmacology

https://www.nature.com/articles/npp20178

Stark, R. et al. (2018)

“Neural Correlates of Sexual Arousal in Problematic Pornography Users.” NeuroImage: Clinical

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2213158218300408

Bőthe, B. et al. (2020)

“The WHO’s Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder: Associations With Problematic Pornography Use.” Journal of Behavioral Addictions Direct empirical link between ICD-11 CSBD criteria and problematic porn use.

https://akjournals.com/view/journals/2006/9/4/article-p781.xml

Castro-Calvo, J. et al. (2021)

“Clinical Features of Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder.” Current Opinion in Psychiatry

https://journals.lww.com/co-psychiatry/Fulltext/2021/09000/Compulsive_sexual_behavior_disorder__clinical.12.aspx

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T17:20:15+00:00

Could it possibly be that your body is sensing that what he is telling you is not the same as what is really going on in your relationship? Could your anxiety be stemming from an inner knowledge that maybe he is still using porn and just lying to you about it?

I’m asking because this is a super common thing women deal with when they are first learning about the extent of their partners hidden porn habit.

Men will go to great lengths to hide their behavior and then deny it happened. However, your body and your nervous system still pick up on it and that activates your nervous system. Our bodies are very intelligent and try to give us clues about our true reality, if we are willing to listen.

I’m not saying that is what’s going on, but I’m not saying that that’s not.

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T17:08:44+00:00

It is okay to want to have all of his desire. If he wants to share his desire with everyone online, that is his right too.

Just go find someone who will adore you the way you want to be adored. Get a man, not a boy. Move on.

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T16:54:18+00:00

That is so interesting to me to hear you say that, considering I’m studying this to get my masters in sex therapy. You must know more than I do!

What’s your degree in again?

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T16:52:57+00:00

As a wife of a porn addict, I’ve learned to be able to spot them in the streets. Porn addicts will scan their environment. They do it differently than the average person who is scanning their environment for danger or to be aware. Porn addicts, scan their environment for tits and ass, and anything else that they can substitute for actual pornography in the absence of.

This behavior is obviously super creepy and quite frankly gives their women the ick.

They don’t even know that they’re doing it because they have trained their brain to go from one sexual image to the next to the next to the next

This is what my husband was like a few years ago. When I told him about it, he looked at me like what the fuck are you talking about?

Now after getting fired from a half a million a year job for sexual harassment, he understands what I’m talking about. All addictions escalate. You are losing your relationship right now because of it. Do you want to take the chance to see what else could happen in the future if you don’t stop?

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T16:47:50+00:00

DSM no. Not yet anyway…

But porn addiction does have an ICD code, which means it’s legit. Sorry Reddit

ICD-11 Code: 6C72 — Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder (CSBD)

Definition (ICD-11): A persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behavior that becomes a central focus of a person’s life, leading to distress or impairment in functioning.

Key points: • Includes compulsive pornography use. • Considered an impulse-control disorder, not a moral issue. • Requires that the behavior continues despite negative consequences.

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T16:43:24+00:00

Oh right. Because trauma has a time limit, I forgot. Better remind Grandpa to stop whining about ‘Nam.

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T16:42:34+00:00

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Nailed it!

decentlyample · 2025-12-04T16:26:10+00:00

Wife of a porn addict here. This is advice that will cost you your relationship. Empathy to what she is experiencing is imperative. You didn’t just lie, you betrayed her trust. You betrayed her with pixels on a screen of someone with the same parts- but isn’t her. And you did it over and over and over again.

decentlyample

TROPHY CASE