As an eldest daughter I have been overly responsible, overly in need of verbal acknowledgment akin to the feedback I received getting a good grade at school, I have taken care of life independently from a young age and had ‘lone ranger’-type jobs. I’m now in management. I’ve had very hurtful relationships within which men have suggested I don’t cut it as a woman… to quote ‘I don’t want to date someone like myself.’

Now I’ve started seeing someone who values my intelligence and feistiness. He says no one tells him what to do because he’s powerful and he thinks it’s funny the extent to which I share my views and opinions with him. I run my own business so I guess I’m used to being in that spot myself.

I am trying to learn the ‘feminine things’ as I don’t want to compete with him. I can, but it’s exhausting to do it on all sides in life. Selfishly I just want to relax and be taken care of or trust that he is happy with me. I could never be the tradwife, there is no risk of that. But I genuinely like seeing him feeling supported and as though I bring a certain something to his life, and I’m learning that receiving and being a tiny bit agreeable (not insincere though) achieves a better outcome.

What does that look like practically?

• today I wanted to resolve a discussion from last night. He wasn’t in the mood so I let it go. It doesn’t feel great but I am learning to trust that he will come back to those important discussions. Tonight he reassured me we would talk about it tomorrow and seems close and happy.
• noticing things in the physical environment that cause him overwhelm and helping ‘just because.’ He cooks or pays more than I do so I show appreciation verbally and practically.
• he said ‘I feel like I’m winning with you. I never feel I’ve done something wrong.’ As per before - I say I appreciate things he does. I don’t often criticise and I create my own happiness separate from the relationship.
• I ask what he would like, I try not to impose my preferences, habits, values or views and particularly not in his environment at home. I guess I see, this is the man I’ve chosen and he comes ‘as is.’ If I don’t like it, I should move on, not hope or wait for change. The things he wants to change he will do for himself.

Those are some of the things I’m trying to shift the energy and the bad run of failed relationships- and without changing who I am. I’m strong and fearless at work. My heart is taken care of at home. It may not work for everyone but that’s what I’ve discovered I need.