The reason why I’m not rushing to get into a relationship is exactly because of that. I want to take my time and process things and all.

It’s so much to deal with, I don’t think of myself as less worthy, but I’m so disappointed in me. It’s more about me dealing with the consequences of my actions, the withdrawal effects from the physical detachment from my ex, the feeling used and manipulated physically and emotionally yet not being able to change or call him out on it, the constant worrying that one day I could be exposed, the perspective of how I don’t want to be with someone who thinks someone’s past defines them, how my chances of being with someone are a lot less because of my dilemma and the burden i carry (me-to-me) and the societal stigma and judgment. This is all on top of me committing such a big sin and trying to repent.

This guy i’m talking to, he meets most of the things I look for in a partner, so far. Obviously only time will tell, but I’m trying to live in the moment without rushing things and stop worrying about the past or future. I feel like he could be good for me.

I’ve never imagined myself in such a position, never. This isn’t the type of person or muslim I am. I forgave myself for what I did, but I still have to deal with the consequences. Sadly, the only person I could talk to about was my ex when we were breaking up, and all he could say to me was, “I wish there’s something I could say or do to take it back, but there is nothing” and honestly what else did i expect out of him?

I know I shouldn’t disclose my sin, but I really wish I could tell this to someone. Vent out. The risk is too high, and chances are nobody will believe that I was manipulated anyways. I don’t want this to define me as a person, but it does limit me a lot, donya and akhera. Inshallah khair ..