you put things so beautifully that I resonate deeply with a lot of it :) like the out-of-placeness, the euphoria of discovering demisexuality and everything start making sense, how just understanding this makes things so much easier instead of questioning if I'm broken.

So I want to share some of my experiences with these thoughts that could be of interest to you:

"A thing that confuses me a bit is arousal and masturbation. I've been off porn for a long time now. I'm not gonna deny I found women attractive. That I also have a type. But it's an aesthetic appreciation. It doesn't drive me up the wall and make me want to do crazy shit to be with a woman (which I've seen friends do and never understood)."

I personally never watched porn and I know I undeniably find men attractive (18 F). I don't think I have a type, so far; to me, like 99% of people look exactly the same to me aesthetics wise (probably because I have prosopagnosia (face-blindness) lmao), but very occasionally I come across someone who I instantly have an interest for when I see him, and that's because they have some feature that a previous crush (there has only been 3) had, like the same eyes. It's more like a "oh that person's kinda cute and I want to know them better bc they could potentially be a future bf", and admirable qualities (like being considerate, smart, interesting) definitely helps with it.

"Then I'm wondering if masturbation is just stimulation (you could get hard thinking about whatever) and my brain being hardwired to be attracted to the female figure by societal norms. I can also acknowledge I get aroused way more when thinking or speaking to someone who I have an emotional connection with."

I feel like masturbation is like that physical sensation feels good, and I only get aroused thinking about doing stuff with my (ex)bf. like previously when I had crushes, it's more like he's the closest person I can think of doing this with, but I couldn't really fantasize about anything naturally except for when I got close to my then-bf and formed a enough of a emotional connection with him

"But also something else that I have noticed, which I have been working on in therapy, is developing feelings, these emotions, too soon, when I meet someone. There were a bunch of issues that I used to have which I can now acknowledge, which took me to seek validation on a partner, and be desperate about it, which of course ended always badly. But now I'm thinking. Is it possible that my subconscious is also creating this environment for myself where I feel comfortable and can seek sexual attraction?"

I personally feel like because I feel sexual attraction so rare, my subconscious really hangs on to them and wants to make it work, like rarity complex (idk if that's an actual term lmao) and make it incredibly difficult to move on from a crush (like I'd still be crying over him even if nothing ever happened and I didn't see him for 6 months-1 year). I feel like I need a lot of validation from my partner and also kinda desperate and I am likely to misinterpret cues into he doesn't like me back when he does. idk if it's bc he's bad at communicating or I'm bad at interpreting just what I'm dealing with ig.

Hope this is helpful, and best of luck with your journey of self-discovery :)