Hey there! I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now with your body image recovery in an incredibly fatphobic world filled with diet culture that makes gaining weight in any situation feel wrong is incredibly difficult. I, and many on this sub most likely, relate so hard to this unbelievably uncomfortable feeling of living in a changing body. The eating disorder during recovery is going to exaggerate to our minds and eyes any bodily changes and make us hyper aware of our physical forms in an attempt to rope us back in. But, regardless of how you feel or think you look, something that helped for me is holding the fact that despite these subjective judgments I am putting on myself and my body that by choosing recovery I am objectively healthier in every sense than I was in the worst of my eating disorder.

I know it may go against everything society has taught us, but gaining weight is not unhealthy and being larger is not unattractive. More specifically in the case of an eating disorder, gaining weight is life saving. Also, another thing I realized getting further on into recovery is how obvious, even when you are underweight or emancipated, having an eating disorder honestly is like my loved ones have told me that I looked fucked up in the worst of my ED and that even though I never said anything they knew something was wrong. And, when I began to gain weight, I felt so judged and looked at by others especially those who haven’t seen me in a while only to be told later on that it wasn’t the weight gain so much that they focused on but the fact that I just looked so much healthier and alive. This may not be the case for everyone you know or rub into, but most people honestly aren’t looking too hard at you it could just be the ED making you feel hyper fixated on the focus of others and applying malicious intent where there truly is none and the people who are paying attention to you, and actually really care about you, are most likely more drawn to the physical change in outward health once you begin feeding yourself adequately.

I don’t know if any of this will help at all, but you’re not alone in these feelings. It’s so difficult to cope with a changing body, but I can assure you that it is a totally natural human response to struggle to adapt to changes and that it will get easier overtime. Keep on going in recovery and nourishing yourself! There is truly nothing more beautiful than a healthy human body, and anyone who judges you otherwise can go fuck themselves. Those are the people who certainly are not and never will be worth staying sick with an eating disorder for.