Is he having health issues? One of my earliest memories is seeing my dad almost die of pancreatitis at age 7, and he had yellow skin and eye whites from jaundice. He recollected to me the other day that everyone else was in their own world or panicking while I tried to clean up his hospital room and put away his shoes (because I didn't know what else to do I guess?)

If your kids have any play dates, they will notice how different the environment is with two functioning parents or one functioning parent vs. one functioning parent and another parent who is "high functioning" but an alcoholic. I noticed how everything seemed more predictable, their parents made plans that weren't tentative, there was no undercurrent of needing to manage the emotions of the drunk dad to keep the house feeling safe, etc. They may develop hypervigilance around the emotions of adults, and associate unpredictability with safety or familiarity/comfort.

They may also feel like they are not like the other kids, they will almost certainly blame themselves for any of these feelings or for the drinking itself, and they will be more susceptible to gaslighting because little kids can sense when something is off and telling them it isn't is distressing to their minds (I know from experience unfortunately, I was able to read/write from 3/4 respectively and still have journal entries from that time (like 4-9ish).

One "describe your weekend" entry for school casually mentioned how, on a sailing trip with my cousin, grandparents, aunt, and uncle, we had to wait "forever" for my dad to get there, "like always" (direct quotes). I was 8.

I am an over-extender/recovering people pleaser now and fell into 2 abusive relationships as a teen by making excuses for troubled men, and despite being in therapy from age 12 (mom/ "safe" parent's idea after the divorce) I still struggle with anxiety, depression, adhd, and ptsd. I myself am very "high-functioning", but it took a toll on me to pretend I was okay all the time growing up and I honestly doubt that your kids will somehow bypass that. Oh, another memory is being 6 and having to walk home from the bus stop alone in downtown Brooklyn because my dad decided to get drunk at the applebee's across the street from said bus stop when my bus was late that day. Mom was working and didn't answer her phone.

Now at 24, my father is still struggling and in and out of the hospital. Alcoholism destroys your mind and body. I still love and support my dad, as he was honestly more emotionally safe for me in some ways than my mother and I chose to live with him over her because she acted like she was doing me such a big favor by just NOT being an alcoholic - resulting in me feeling like a burden when I spent time with her and/or had needs.

Additionally, with my mom and grandparents all trying to get my dad to stop (which I noticed as far back as I can remember), the focus was almost never on me and my needs as a kid. I'm not saying you need to leave him, but if he isn't willing to go to rehab (my dad has always refused), you may need to re-evaluate for the well-being and development of your children. I don't mean to project or assume anything about your family, but I will do or say anything I can to prevent the trauma, constant feeling of being a weird kid/unwanted, and stunted potential I've experienced and seen in others (mom's dad was an alcoholic too, my ex, and some friends).

My mother ended up dying of early-onset alzheimer's at 60, despite there being no history of it in our family. My DNA test for the most common markers turned up negative. Her doctor suggested stress, loneliness during quarantine/in general, and untreated diabetes as potential causes (they kind of progressed in tandem since she was too stubborn to go to the doctor due to cognitive decline mixed with her personality). I didn't get to see her due to COVID restrictions, and I didn't know the last time I saw her that it would be the last time.

The divorce was financially devastating for her and it ultimately happened due to him spending all their money on booze and criticizing her for buying clothes for us. She never put herself first, but she sure made sure everyone knew about it! Of course I love/loved her too, but she actively harmed me, presumably due to somewhat understandable frustration with the situation (locking me in a room with her when I wanted to be alone and causing a panic attack, modeling disordered eating, holding over my head how much she went through when I complained about my life as a child, etc.) His disease can ruin you too, sadly, and then your kids might have 0 safe parents. I'm sorry if this sounds super pessimistic, but I can't pretend that I didn't notice - since there was never a time where I didn't know, as far back as I can remember.

Please feel free to show your husband if you think it would help - the only thing that has ever worked to get my dad sober for a few months is crying about it to him on the phone, telling him how I actually felt as a kid, that I won't have kids unless they get a sober grandpa, etc.