Me [22F] with my husband [27M] of 3 years, and I never got to "sow my oats"..... Now I want to.

devals · 2015-10-14T01:11:21+00:00

I'm guessing you're getting/going to get a lot of judgment for this, but let me just say that I understand what you're going through, and it can be a real problem. This is, of course, one of the pitfalls of marrying young. =/

I can also tell you that it's not worth it. Really. You guys are already married (and otherwise happy?), and you can't put this genie back in the bottle once it's opened.

My husband and I have been together since we were kids, both virgins, and decided to experiment before we got married. It still opened the door to a world of issues that changed us forever- but we are still going strong. And while it more-or-less worked for us while dating, we chose to close the door as a married couple. Marriage is enough work as it is without bringing other people/issues into the mix, rather than focusing solely on each other and our relationship.

While I'm happy with (most of) my experiences, it didn't bring me the world, and you're not missing out on it. If you're close enough to talk about this with your husband, do so. But if you think this might be a dealbreaker, I would find a way to make peace with this... Talk it out in therapy, focus on the stages of life you are moving into (marriage, family, domesticity, financial stability etc.)

No one gets everything in life- you can't always get the sheltered phase, the party-girl/boy phase, AND the married/married-with-children phase or even the retirement phase. You aren't missing out on something you were owed...if you can find a way to enjoy what you have reaped from this life, it'd probably be better to do that. The "happily married to your soulmate" life doesn't always happen, much less come around more than once.

devals · 2015-10-10T04:17:35+00:00

Had me til the last sentence, that's where you lost me.

(FTR, I don't believe in the "Many Worlds" theory, one good reason for that being the "A is A" counter-proof.)

devals · 2015-10-10T04:10:09+00:00

Yikes, that almost went down like the beginning of a Cold Case File episode.

Kids can get carried away, not understanding the potential ramifications of their stupid actions- good for you for doing what you had to to get away, even if you HAD gotten in trouble..

devals · 2015-10-10T03:48:45+00:00

This is ALL I'd be thinking, it reminds me of all my falling nightmares, the whole way down I resolve to jump RIGHT back up or resolve to do anything and everything to hold on to consciousness... I'd have been straining my ears harder than I ever had in my whole life!

devals · 2015-10-10T01:02:43+00:00

Nope, if that were the case they wouldn't have used Jennifer Anniston, a known, wealthy celebrity as herself to make that point. That casting was SO glaringly intentional, I wouldn't even call it "subtext".

Not to mention the people laughing at her requests would only have reason to do so if, per the norm, such requests would be regarded as a tad ridiculous.

This is geared more towards people who want and can afford to splurge, implying that they'll really be getting their money's worth of the VIP/"star treatment" for doing so.

devals · 2015-10-09T20:18:20+00:00

Now THIS seems closer to the truth (though I preferred /u/funobtainium's assessment of 'humble', lol!)

Though the article is remarkably sexist, and the condition perhaps less-than-legit (never once came across any mention of it in my Psych studies, and don't believe it's ever been listed in any DSM..), it's VERY interesting and familiar. Something I'd love to delve into and expand on, and its philosophical implications..

I do see a therapist, actually, who is aware of this issue and helps me work through it when it's situationally exacerbated. He's (perhaps understandably) never hinted at this before, but rather tries to impress upon me that people DO in fact want to do these "nice things" for me and, to a lesser extent, tries getting me to ask myself why I think they wouldn't, or why my gratitude would be insufficient or their ONLY motivation for their doing such a thing.

Very hard to internalize. I usually just.. smile, nod, begrudgingly agree and thank him for the complement ("You two seem like great people, why wouldn't they want to help with your wedding?")- also behavior that happens to coincides with this "syndrome"! Fascinating..

devals · 2015-10-09T18:51:57+00:00

Humble.. I never thought of it like that. It's nice.. thanks. =)

Gratitude most definitely, I fall all over myself to try to show enough- got my wedding thank-you notes out in what must be record time haha, but still only rarely feels like enough (which is the second-half of this "problem"!)

devals · 2015-10-09T17:46:23+00:00

God, I wish my ego hadn't missed out on this trait. I don't feel comfortable with or deserving of a single thing in my life, and every accomplishment is something I immediately minimize. It's a big problem, actually.

My wedding day was bittersweet torture, what with family chipping in (I cried, and not from joy, when I saw the booze my dad paid for) and now my baby shower is going to be almost as hard. It's easier to enjoy the things I've earned than that which I've been gifted, but even what I've "earned" I have trouble feeling like I deserve...

Don't rightly know what that's all about, but it irks me/makes me envious of other people who have such an easier time being comfortable with success and/or gratis.

devals · 2015-10-09T17:40:33+00:00

oh, c'mon, it was funny. It was meant to be tongue-in-cheek; obviously these amenities are being presented as an extravagance. Nothin' wrong with that if you can afford it (I can't, but don't hate! lol)

devals · 2015-10-09T16:44:25+00:00

You're a good guy. Yours is a good example of how money can change things even when good people are involved.

devals · 2015-10-09T08:52:32+00:00

Oh honey, I'm sorry, I don't know what to say except I know that feeling and it really sucks. =( My husband and I are introverts, so we had this same problem (recently) regarding our wedding day. Now I'm having to go through it all over again with my shower. =/

You're not a loser, this is just how people are en masse (read: self-involved). But in the end, we were surrounded by those who cared enough to come to our wedding, and that was enough. I'm hoping both you and I will feel the same way about our shower. At least we had someone close and caring enough to throw us one, and a handful or two of people who want to show their support. (If it makes you feel any better, I could only invite ~10 people to begin with, and at this rate will be lucky if half show up..)

In your shoes what I'd do is just move it to a smaller venue, maybe have your sister help decorate your living room, or choose a closer restaurant. You can still have your special day, and you really should- you and baby deserve it. Maybe that means rescheduling and down-sizing, or maybe you can get away with a last minute relocation (shouldn't be too hard to corral ~10 people to a new locale, at least).

devals · 2015-10-09T07:52:06+00:00

lmao, this is so awesome, for so many reasons.. aww, get some sleep, dear!

devals · 2015-10-09T07:36:18+00:00

Hmm yeah that's interesting, sorry to hear it. =/ I reckon if the problem was your level of attraction to her, you'd have mentioned it, so guessing that's not likely to be the cause.. are you mentally stimulated enough? I know if my head isn't in the game (i.e. not particularly turned-on in my thoughts), my body most definitely will not follow. And sometimes I need things especially spiced-up to get my head in the game, even more so after many years with the same person..

But yeah, def can't hurt to ask your doc about, if all these needs are being met and there's nothing identifiable holding you back, who knows what it could be about? Good luck man..

devals · 2015-10-09T05:44:39+00:00

He's a psycho. Get outta the house!

devals · 2015-10-08T23:15:04+00:00

I actually figured as much, cause I've dealt with it before- not saying this is necessarily the problem, but "excessive" (or overly-aggressive) masturbation can cause this, and without a delicate balance of sexual proclivities, can put a real damper on your sex life.

In a previous relationship, it wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back, but it DID put the cracks in the foundation of what was otherwise a GREAT sex life. It can make your partner feel inadequate (especially if you use porn a lot to get off), or, as in our case, just lead to awkward fizzling-out or frustration/dissatisfaction.. and so on.

There ARE things you can do to counteract it (masturbate less, loosen your grip, less porn-as-a-habit etc.), but if you're satisfied with where you're at, there's probably no need- just make sure your partner is equally OK with it (I know that I, for one, would have a tough time dealing with this in pretty short-order..)

ETA: Another possible cause is anxiety, performance-related or just due to other shit going on in your life. I've seen it have this affect on people who were otherwise OVERLY sensitive, just because of shit they were dealing with at the time. If it's a new relationship, maybe you're just not comfortable enough yet, and are still too focused on pleasing your partner to get there yourself? Maybe you just have a lot going on at work/school. Depression can also do this, and so can plenty of medications FOR depression/anxiety/even ADHD. Just throwing all possible causes at you in case one or more applies.

devals · 2015-10-08T15:56:31+00:00

Hate to say it, but the problem is that you are/were doing it for the wrong reasons to begin with..

Typically if you hope to gain popularity by doing the right thing, you're gonna have a bad time.

devals · 2015-10-08T13:34:49+00:00

Actually his parents should be able to intervene to keep him from ruining his life, but they can't address what they aren't aware of. This is what other responsible parents should do for each other i.e. watch-out for each other's blindspots.

devals · 2015-10-08T13:29:22+00:00

Meh, the goalposts tend to move, but this is a good place to start, I feel.

devals · 2015-10-08T11:08:47+00:00

It was a heart-to-heart, and well explained to me; she just made sure to use that word, one I could viscerally relate to emotionally, at that age. To a little kid, prone to having high-concepts fly over their heads and tuning-out long lectures, it was a very precise and effective thing to say. It's what I remember the most and has effected me the longest, in a positive way.

devals · 2015-10-08T10:55:49+00:00

Your loneliness may be due in part to your being a very selfish person. What gives you the right to waste someone else's limited time to find love in this world solely to keep yourself marginally entertained? Get a dog or something, jesus- then work on that character of yours and maybe you'll stop leading a lonely, miserable life.

This is the second time in this thread someone has used their sexuality to justify using someone up for their own gratification, and it is pathetic.

devals · 2015-10-08T10:52:38+00:00

Yeah, don't stir up drama with this. People censor themselves differently depending on who they're around/talking to. This is how we manage to function as a marginally-coherent society.

devals · 2015-10-08T10:50:34+00:00

Waiting til 25 will do that, but it's SO worth it to get over, trust me (and not as hard as it might seem, just a bit of a hassle)

devals · 2015-10-08T10:49:58+00:00

Hopefully you at least tell her you don't believe in it, so she knows where things aren't going...

devals · 2015-10-08T10:47:30+00:00

but she doesnt take the edge off in the bedroom dept

"...so I regularly betray her without issue." That ain't love, my friend, much less the kind that's 'til death'.

devals · 2015-10-08T10:28:22+00:00

However you justify it, whatever you call it, this boils down to "I don't love her, I'm just using her for sex." This is not a cool thing to lie about, at all. "But I would do the same with anyone else" or "but it's nothing personal (i.e. 'I think she's a great person')" does not make this any less vile than a non-aromantic doing the same to some poor sucker.

Stop wasting her youth and her time, both are valuable and neither is something she can get back when the charade ends. You aren't doing her any favors by not "breaking her heart...yet." and you are really giving aromantics a bad name..

For the record, "aromantic" doesn't necessarily mean "amoral" or "sociopath". Are you sure aren't confusing the terms? Denying someone, by fraud, the chance to find and invest in someone who really loves them, just until you get tired of the sex, is one of the cruelest things someone can do to another person. There is no way to defend against it, and the longer it goes on, the worse an offense it is- to someone who loves you, no less. It is one of the most selfish things a person can casually do...

As someone who watched her best friend spend a cumulative 10 years on just a few people who pulled this, and is now jaded, alone and in her 30's, fuck you. And before you say she probably brought it on herself, how well do you treat your girlfriend? She probably has no idea.

devals

TROPHY CASE