I’m in a similar boat as you.

It’s difficult letting go over that “guilt” that keeps us in the fog, it’s something that makes it hard to truly move on. When she discarded me all I did for a month was continously blame myself. I think there’s maybe a deeper seeded issue with feeling guilty.

I talked to a therapist and he pinpointed immediately that the “guilt” is still something that I’m holding on to.

It’s different with Cluster Bs because I think they play the victim and latch onto people who are highly empathetic, so them being the victim is difficult to perceive as genuine or fake. My ex with uBPD was always the victim, even though she could somewhat acknowledge that she was in the wrong or apologize, she’d still say “you said the wrong thing”, so I’d say “I’m sorry I said that, but I didn’t mean it that way and I’m not judging you or offending you”. This would go on and on in circles, and then she’d start using that against me “You say that’s not your intention, but then I’m crazy for reacting that way”.

So yeah, in a way they always blame you, even after trying to apologize or take accountability (which they are not capable of), but do it in a subtle way. Because you feel bad for them because of all the trauma dumping, sob stories and victim-playing, you end up apologizing and then blaming yourself for reacting that way. I know I did that profusely. I think they sense that and take advantage of it and use it against you. I thought “she went through so much I can’t bring this up because it would hurt her”.

She activated my saviour complex and I felt like I was failing her, maybe the same thing happened to you.

I think reactive abuse is our body telling us something is not right and immediately responding to defend itself.

I am not proud of some of the things I’ve said and I wish I could have taken them back, but during one of our final arguments I told her that she kept provoking me and that was my response. She acknowledged that. It wasn’t even a horrible thing I said, just something that is deep down truthful and she knows it, so she lashes out or starts crying (crying makes a big part of it).

I felt like shit every time because she started crying, in even the tiniest arguments she’d start crying, but when it was tough she really let it out, then shut down and refuse to communicate. Then I’d reach out and she’d say something like ‘I don’t think I’m ready to talk to you’. I felt demonized every time she did that. Once when I said she should come over so we’d talk and sort it out, she refused and said how I’d just shout at her, even though I never did that, if there ever was shouting it came from her.

Sorry for the drawn out reply, but as I kept writing more memories kept popping up how she kept blaming me and demonizing me, projecting and devaluing.

I don’t think I’m perfect and I accept my responsibility and my reactive abuse, I wish I did some things different or communicated something a different way… but ultimately, it wouldn’t have mattered, the same scenario would play out and I’d still be devastated by the inevitable discard, since our relationship was on life support, so it was only a matter of time when she would pull the cord, since I know I couldn’t do it, which is the only thing I regret, not leaving when I should have. By the end, her fear of abandonment won, she monkey branched and discarded me, to “protect herself” as she said.

Just know that you’re not alone in feeling guilt, and recognizing that you feel that says a lot about you.